I Kroger. Do you?

I have a question for all the married guys out there. Do you do the grocery shopping? If not why?

I've been the primary grocery shopper for our family since D and I have been married. Early in our marriage she tried the "let's go shopping together" move and I had to quickly squash that. This should be a lesson for everyone, grocery shopping is not a team sport. Anyone that has worked in the corporate world can tell you the best way to inefficiently do anything is to assign it to a committee. Whenever I breeze by a couple shopping together, I always get the same jealous/kill me stare back at me from the husband.

I find that the hour or so I spend in the grocery store is some of the most peaceful time I'll have all week. I put in my headphones, call up a good shopping playlist (last week was The White Stripes) and go to work. I can generally drown out the whole world this way. There was one instance where one of the bus stop moms was standing 6 feet from me waving, her mouth agape like a retarded kid on the bus. Of course, then she went and reported to D that she saw me in the grocery store listening to my ipod as if she'd seen me checking into a hotel with the neighbor. Alas, that's a story for another time.

Aside from the hour of peace let me share some of the other benefits of being the grocery shopper:

• Remember before you had kids, when you could take something to read and spend some good quality time in the bathroom without a 4 year old standing in front of you whining? This is that time again.
• You now own the power of the statement "if you don't like what I got then you do the shopping"
• You can now pick the brands you like, the cut of meat you want, that ice cream your wife never buys.
• You never again have to deal with your wife coming home with the groceries during the 4th quarter of a 3 point football game and wanting your help bringing them in. You now set the shopping schedule.
  
• When your wife's friends find out you do the shopping, they'll think you're a better husband than you really are.
• You get to enjoy all that music your Justin Bieber addicted 8 year old never let's you listen to.
• You get to enjoy those Tupac songs your wife won't let you listen to around the kids.
• There's always at least a few attractive women doing their shopping.
• Samples.

Maybe I'm different but these things are more than enough reasons to get me to the grocery store. But whether you're a man or a woman, I just ask that we all follow three simple rules that will make the shopping experience more enjoyable for us all.

1. Only one person at a time - No couples clogging up the lanes, please.
2. No kids allowed - There should be a law that kids too big to ride in the cart or too young to drive are banned from grocery stores. I'll campaign for any candidate that gets behind this.
3. No cell phones - if you need to talk on your phone, go find a space park and get out of the way. I don't want to hear what Madison did at cheer camp and stop swerving back and forth making it impossible to pass.