ApeDonkey Power Rankings 3/29/11

Top 5

1. Houston - This is a big week here in Houston. The Final Four is coming along with all the attractions and events attached to it, as is the Shell Houston Open. The weather has been great here all week and should hold up through the weekend. Now don't go looking for me at any of the events around town because the only thing I like less than people is crowds of people. So I encourage everyone to get here spend your money and leave my city in one piece. We may never get another Super Bowl but the Final Four will be back in 5 years. See you then.

2. El Real - The only positive to getting the Power Rankings out so late is that I'm able to include El Real on the list. We've been waiting for this place to open for months. I was hoping to check it out when Southbound Food did their live broadcast from there a couple weeks ago but I left San Antonio too late and was unable to make it. We decided to wait until they started serving lunch so we could go at an off hour. That's always best with young kids. We finally made it over today and the food was a great as advertised. I went basic with cheese enchiladas, queso, rice and beans. The wife had the fajitas that came with a cup of this frothy garlic butter that I could have drank by the glassful. If you're a margarita person definitely get it on the rocks. It's simple, strong and delicious. Minus the two customers who were obviously pissed that I had procreated, it was a great experience.

3. John Harris - It was announced last week that John Harris will be getting his own national show working the overnight 1am - 5am central on Sporting New Radio. I've listened to Johnny since his days as the college football expert all the way through to his show with Raheel. By the way, I was completely wrong about the pairing of John and Harris. They've consistently produced a fun, entertaining show following John and Lance on 1560 The Game. I fully expect Raheel to continue killing it from 10-12p with a rotating list of guest hosts including David Nuno and Richard Justice.

Now back to John and his new show. Barry and I discussed this and thought this was a great move for John. His encyclopedic sports knowledge plays perfectly with the late night national caller. No one is better equipped to take calls about teams coast to coast and be able to talk intelligently about the entire roster. Johnny going national feels like a kid from the old neighborhood making it. He's made so in a sense we've all made it. I wish him all the best and any time I'm up at that hour, I'll be sure to check him out.

4. Shameless - Thank God for Shameless. Of the shows that had season finales the past couple of weeks, Shameless, Californication and Big Love, Shameless was the only one that gave us an excellent satisfying finale. After a little bit of a shaky start, Shameless has come on to be my second favorite new show of the year just behind Terriers and ahead of Rubicon. Of course, it's the only one of those three to get picked up for a second season. William H. Macy was the name going in to the season but Emmy Rossum has been the breakout star. She's given us a powerhouse performance as Fiona, a young woman just trying to keep her family together and raise her five brothers and sisters. It's really been an outstanding first season with strong performances from all the Gallagher kids. If you haven't checked it out try to catch up before season 2 starts next year.

5. Birthday Party - We celebrated my son's 2nd birthday this past weekend and if you weren't part of my immediate family, you weren't invited. That's because I'm a good human being and I know no one wants to be bothered with a kids birthday especially on a big sports weekend. The 2nd birthday is the one time you can get away with a simple "party" like this. Birthday number 2 lacks the milestone factor of the first birthday and the kid still doesn't know what the hell is going on. By the 3rd birthday they are starting to get it and from 4 on you're screwed. Just open up the pocket book and kiss your weekends goodbye because you'll be going to a birthday party every weekend for the next ten years. So happy birthday Cash. I hope you enjoyed your Barry's Pizza and cupcake and we'll do it again next year.


Bottom 5

1. Fucking Thieves - If you follow me on twitter and why wouldn't you be then you probably already know about my truck being broken in to and having my ipod and macbook stolen. My wife and I talked about this and considering all the vital information we had on the laptop like our businesses accounting, art files, tax information, etc. We would have rather they taken the truck and left the computer. Luckily, we do an off site backup for critical client files but what we are learning is that Carbonite apparently is running their servers with 28800 dial up modems. Here we are five days in and we are still restoring files to our new laptop. I could have manually transcribed the missing files by now.

Now let me tell you about the top notch security in the shopping center where Grand Luxe and Nordstrom's Rack is locate. First, when we realized what had happened, my wife had to literally chase the sixty-something year old security guard around the parking lot before I was finally able to get his attention by repeatedly honking at him. Once we had his attention and told him what had happened his reaction was priceless "really? I've been patrolling the area." Uh, yeah sure you were.  He tried to write a report but couldn't find a pen among the hundreds of old lollipop wrappers in his very intimidating golf cart. In the end we'll be alright. Home owner's insurance covers items taken from your car in this kind of situation but I could live without the pain and headache of it all and if the person who did it ends up in a burn unit soon, then all the better.

2. Mad Men - Great news coming out of Hollywood this week is that Mad Men season 5 is a go. The bad news is that we won't get to see it until sometime in 2012. The Sopranos think that's a long lay off. Part of the deal to bring the show back for a fifth season is AMC asking for the producers to cut two minutes from the show to open up more ad time and/or cut two regular characters from the cast. I'm fine with either or both of those options. Go ahead and take Betty or Bert or Ken. I can live without any of them. Bert makes the list because I can't stand people who don't wear shoes at work. If you need to cut a couple of minutes, I say go for it. I don't watch commercials anyway so no skin off my back. Just get your shit together and get Mad Men back on the air. Preferably before my kids graduate high school.

3. President Trump - The most shocking thing I heard more than one time this past week is "I'd vote for Donald Trump if he ran for President." The first time I heard this I stopped in mid conversation to verify what I'd just heard. People apparently think he'd have a good shot to fix the economy which that may be true, I don't know. I did remind them that he's gone bankrupt a couple of times but people do learn from mistakes. My biggest issue is that these people are forgetting one important issue. Donald Trump is a buffoon. This is the guy who hosts Celebrity Apprentice. Do you understand the national embarrassment of having state dinners at the gold leafed white house? Air Force One would be renamed The #1 Air Force One. I haven't even mentioned the hair. That is not presidential hair. You have to go all the way back to the early 1800's and Andrew Jackson to find a coif as crazy and unpresidential as Trump's.

4. Movie Reboots - I was reading an article yesterday that after The Dark Knight Rises they are planning to reboot the Batman series. What? I'm not a fan of all the series rebooting or the term rebooting. Teen Wolf as a Twilightesque show on MTV? The Karate Kid learning Kung Fu from Jackie Chan? Completely recasting and starting over with XMen? Ugh here's how a series is supposed to naturally progress. The first one is great and ground breaking. The second isn't quite as good but you add more villains to make up for the quality and by the fourth and fifth installments you've brought in Joel Schumacher to drive it into the ground. That is the life cycle of a movie franchise. It's tried and true and should not be messed with.

5. Elite Eight - Saturday Nicole Zierlein wrote a very touching blog post about her husband and young sons watching the elite eight games and specifically the Butler game together. I highly recommend you read it. If I wasn't a soulless robot, I probably would have been brought to tears. I on the other hand had a much different experience with Saturday's games. I had a little wager on Florida to beat Butler so I was intently watching that game. With a few minutes left, my wife who couldn't give a crap about basketball and is an incurable workaholic didn't know what to do with herself since she was without her laptop and couldn't work. After she complained of being bored and wanting to go out I finally agreed to go when the game ended. Little did I know the game would head to overtime. Being a man of my word though I said we could leave and I'd listen to overtime in the car. Well that was the plan. From the minute we closed the doors on the car my kid decided to be the loudest most irritating human on the planet. She channeled Lloyd Christmas and sang the words "Wipey, Dipey, Dipey" over and over again for a solid half hour until we finally reached the restaurant. After a nice dinner, the wife wanted to return some pants to The Gap and get a different pair. I was fine with that plan. The Gap was in the same parking lot and she rarely takes a long time doing stuff like that. We were in the store maybe 5 minutes when the 2 year old was going so apeshit crazy I decided I'd take him to the car and listen to the Arizona/UConn game while the girls finished up. I don't know exactly how long they were in the store but I ended listening to nearly the entire spectacular second half of the Zona/UConn game in the car with an exhausted, screaming 2 year old. Come to find out, my 6 year old had recently earned $20 from her grandmother and decided she wanted to buy herself something at Gap Kids. The problem is the self proclaimed fashionista had to actually touch, try on and examine every item in the store. And what did she finally emerge from the store with? A fucking pair of sunglasses. That's how I spent an outstanding Saturday of college basketball.

1560 The Game part 1: John & Lance

I've been a 1560 listener since the first minute they started broadcasting. Well kind of, those first few months the signal was pretty sketchy, especially out in Cypress. I've been a long time gamer none the less. In fact, I've been listening to John and Lance since way back when they were The Bench. I suffered with them through the Russ Small experiment and laughed through the J-Fizzle years. I remember when John Harris was just Lance's friend who knew a shit ton about college football. What I'm trying to say is, I've been around and I've got opinions.

I started planning a 1560 blog post 2-3 months ago after Travis Rodgers was fully entrenched in his new position but for whatever reason never got around to writing it. Then a few weeks ago I read a post concerning the John & Lance show and Chris Solis at Houston Media Watch. This post along with the 1560 listener survey finally convinced me that yes I do need to put my thoughts on the station down.

As just a base of where I'm coming from, here's a little about me and my listening habits. I've been a stay at home dad for three years now. I spend an average of 5-8 hours a day listening to 1560. On a typical day I start streaming John and Lance at about 7 am and stop listening to Sean and John somewhere around 6 pm. Life and it's many detours keep me tuning in and out all through the day.

Now that you know my listening experience, how much I listen, what I listen to and why I'm writing this let's get going with the John and Lance Show.

The Hosts

What I like

John and Lance have been the gold standard of morning shows for a decade now. They have tremendous chemistry and through years of experience have learned to play off of each others strengths. You can tell these guys genuinely like each other without feeling compelled to agree on everything. Some of their best segments are when they are on opposites sides of an issue.

John's strengths are in driving the show and his willingness to push the boundaries of appropriateness without being overtly offensive. John is also the only radio personality who you don't want to change the channel during live spots. He has a confidence in his relationships with sponsors that allows him the freedom to go sideways with their live spots. The fact that you never know when that is going to happen keeps me tuned in when I would usually be checking in elsewhere.

Lance continues to be one of the funniest guys on radio. He has an array of characters he's developed through the years along with some very good impersonations. I don't want to be the one to pull the curtain back on the wizard so I won't list the characters but they can be heard on various 1560 shows throughout the day.

Both hosts have good sports acumen, although Lance is generally the go to guy for scheme and player analysis, especially concerning football.

Lance has developed a quality list of contacts he's able to call on for inside information and bring on for analysis.

John has very good local contacts and a well developed pipeline of information.

Lance can also be counted on for quality television and movie recommendations.

Points of Criticism

Years ago I almost had to quit listening to the show because Lance's eating on the show drove me absolutely nuts. He's improved greatly in this area but on occasion that old demon will rear its ugly head.

Anytime there's more than just the two hosts, there's a tendency for everyone to talk over one another.

I want Ketch back during the football season. This may be an issue because of the station he works for in Austin but his past appearances for big Longhorn games were pure radio gold.

Gary Trichter - If I ever get divorced, I'm pretty sure his commercials are going to play a big part in it. My wife was hit by a drunk driver when she was a teenager and we both find driving drunk despicable. Whenever the Gary Trichter spots come on, my wife starts fuming and I'm faced with the choice of changing the station of riding around with a pissed off woman in the car. I think you can figure out what I choose. 

Regular Contributors

Richard Justice - I'm one of the four people that really liked Richard Justice's original show on 1560. He always had a great lineup of both local and national guests. He was at his best when having a casual conversation with the likes of Peter Gammons or Kirk Bohls. However, Richard is more in his element the way he's being used now. Justice is plugged in to all the local teams including UT and A&M. He's not afraid to give his opinion on the state of the franchises although that opinion is prone to change on a dime. The dynamic he has on each show is a little different which keeps his appearances fresh. My biggest complaint with Justice would be that he tends to offer up the same anecdotes from show to show.


Chris Solis - Solis is a sniper. That is what he's there for and he's really good at that job. Anyone looking for analysis on the Texans running game would do well to look elsewhere. But if you want someone to offer a biting quip on Drayton McLane's apparent cheapness, then Solis is your man.

Adam Caplan - Caplan offers very good NFL information with his own unique opinions. His laid back delivery is very reminiscent of Mike Leach. Caplan isn't quite as dynamic or staunchly opinionated as Mike Lombardi but he is very good and a quality Twitter follow.

Joel Dreesen - I'm not a fan of player shows in general. Steve McKinney was about the only player show I found worth listening to and that was only when he wasn't talking football. Players aren't going to offer honest insight into the teams problems so I'm not sure what the point of having them on is. I usually spend this hour listening to my ipod.

Kevin Sumlin, Les Miles - The only thing worse than player shows is a segment of coach speak. No insight has ever been gained by speaking to a coach in season unless that coach is named Jeff Van Gundy. I'm a Texas fan and I wouldn't even listen to a Mack Brown segment if 1560 had one. Now Mack Brown on a mobile is a completely different story.

Del - I didn't care for Del's contribution to the show at first even though he was a breath of fresh air following the Raheel era. However, Del has grown on me over the past couple of months. The little snuggie of hate definitely has his own on air persona. I'm still not big on everything being a racial issue but maybe that's just played up for effect.

Listener Interaction

I am so glad the morning show isn't caller driven. There are a few good callers to the show like Lesbian Craig, Jose and Mouton but quality callers like this are few and far between. Longhorn Scott is very entertaining and his ability to get listeners riled up is high comedy at the expense of the lowest common denominator. Most of the rest of the show callers I can do without. Brad is Spring Branch is good for a laugh in small doses. PD is barely coherent and every time he calls I just start hearing the DBT song "The Company I Keep" playing in my head. Once guy, Kirby I think it was, called the other day to tell a freaking joke. Yeah, a joke like you'd read in a "The 1001 Dirtiest Jokes" book. Worse still, it was a bad joke. Let's leave the comedy to the professionals fellas.

Gilbert? Next.

We don't need calls about how great your pee wee football team is or your hitting instructions for Hunter Pence because you coached Little League for 6 years. We don't need you you play Rockets GM even though you've devised a way to get Kobe and Carmelo if only you could get Daryl Morey to listen. If you have a legitimate opinion to offer and you absolutely must share it then, fine call. But don't subject the rest of us to your scripted routine you've already delivered on 790, complete with fake anger and yelling. We didn't care for it the first time and don't want to hear it again.


Around the Dial


610 - I don't fall into their 55-85 year old target demographic so I don't listen to them, ever.

97.5 - Mike & Mike is actually worse than the name would suggest. ESPN hasn't had a decent national show since Tony Kornheiser and Dan Patrick left the network. Don't waste your time.

790 - Matt and Adam are my alternative of choice. Wexler was terribly underused for years at 610. He offers smart well developed analysis on the Houston sports scene. Matt Jackson, I can take or leave as a host. I think Jackson is better when simply talking sports and offering opinions. Whenever, he consciously tries to do comedy, he misses the mark, badly. My biggest issue with Matt and Adam is their tendency to lift bits from other shows. If you hear a good bit or segment on another show, there's a good chance you're going to hear something very similar on their show very soon. They have a good show overall though.