ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 2/7/11

Top 5

1. Green Bay Packers - You win the Super Bowl, you get the top spot on the power rankings. Aaron Rodgers was just shy of spectacular. Actually, Rodgers was spectacular. His receivers on the other hand did there best to keep the Steelers in the game. James Jones and Jordy Nelson dropped two to three sure touchdowns. On a positive note for the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger didn't sexually assault anyone yesterday, at least not during game time.

2. Timely Errands - I was out grilling burgers so I missed what seems to have been a pretty terrible rendition of the National Anthem by Christina Aguilera complete with leaving out a one stanza. Hey, you guys can't have it both ways though. You can either complain that she sounded terrible or that she forgot part of the song. If she sounded that bad then consider it a blessing she left part of the song out.

Fortunately, I had to run out to the store during halftime and was spared whatever the hell that was the Black Eye Peas were doing. I missed most of the performance, just catching the tail end but I did catch enough of Fergie's act to send me straight to WebMD to check if I needed to get a Valtrex prescription.

3. Brooklyn Decker - I guess she has a movie coming out with Adam Sandler. I don't care about that though. Any movie with Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is bound to set a new record for being unwatchable. Brooklyn is also burning up the pages of Esquire this month. She's been the hottest SI model for about five years now. I'm convinced Brooklyn's pick'em videos with Dr. Z is what gave him a stroke. Sampras and Aggasi can sit around polishing their 22 Grand Slam trophies all they want. As long as Roddick gets to polish Brooklyn Decker, advantage Roddick.

4. Justified - Raylan Givens and his itchy trigger finger are back this week. After dealing with Boyd and Bo Crowder last season, these human trafficking, moonshiners shouldn't pose any problem for our favorite US Marshal. Yeah right.

5. The ApeDonkey - Sometime last night the ApeDonkey blog surpassed 10,000 page views. That's just the beginning but I'm pretty proud none the less. That's not bad for a guy who has nothing better to do but watch a ton of TV and movies. Now with Barry helping out with the blog, we're looking to bring you even more TV, movie, sports and general observations in the fucked up world.


Bottom 5

1. Dallas - Thank God it was a good game because the rest of the week completely sucked. I understand you can't control the weather but I like to think that God was trying to tell us that many douche bags shouldn't congregate in one place. Was the snow and ice falling off the stadium on to bystanders something you couldn't control too? How about the 400 fans that didn't get the seats they paid for. I know you'll get another Super Bowl. You've got a billion dollar stadium an owner that stops at nothing to get what he wants and most of all no one dared to give the illusion of showing a nipple on national television. Congratulations Dallas for the 172 year in a row, you suck.

2. Brett Favre - This just hasn't been the Cock Shotter's year. First he throws a dumb interception in overtime that cost the Vikings a trip to the Super Bowl. Then it's revealed he made several calls propositioning Jenn Sterger. The pics of his cock and crocs were released to the public. Everyone finds out he's a dog that will get you fired if a happy ending isn't included with that massage. He finally missed a game for the first time in nearly 20 years. If all that wasn't a big enough kick in the nuts, his former team the Packers won the Super Bowl last night and his memory and legacy in Green Bay faded just a little bit more.

3. Radio Row - The best thing about the Super Bowl being over is no more radio row. Every year those of us who listen to sports talk radio are tortured with a week of terrible interviews involving former players rehashing the same stories they've told 3000 times before then trying to sell us the latest development in foot powder. I can't stand it. Yeah it sounds great when they tell you the guest list includes Joe Montana, John Elway and Jim McMahon. Then the light goes on and you realize why you haven't heard from these guys in 365 days. Please for the love of God make it stop.

4. NFL Hall of Fame - So let me get this straight, the best center of his generation isn't a Hall of Famer. Neither is an 11 time Pro Bowler and 9 time All Pro tackle who was selected to the All Decade team for both the 1990's and the 2000's. I've got huge issues with maximum limits on inductees per year as well as lumping contributors and players together in the same pool. Cris Carter being passed over just makes the voters look foolish but if Dermontti Dawson and Willie Roaf aren't Hall of Famers then I no longer no what a Hall of Famer looks like. Get your shit together voters.

5. Super Bowl Sunday Me - Sunday's game was the last football game of my gambling hiatus. So since I had no dog in the fight and no number to root for Sunday was 100% about gluttony. I kicked off my day with my usual Sunday morning trip to Harris County Smokehouse for a couple pancakes. That was followed up with a bowl of queso for lunch, a burger and homemade fries for dinner and I celebrated the 4th quarter with another bowl of queso. Along the way, I had the more than occasional cookie and peanut butter M&M. By midnight I was laying in bed feeling like John Hurt in Alien. I was praying to God that the sharp toothed bastard residing in my gut would just eat his way out and put me out of my misery. That vengeful son of a bitch never did escape so I spent most of the night tossing and turning. As if turned out fate wasn't done with me. I needed a new pair of jeans so I headed out to accomplish something today. Never again will I put myself through the torture of trying on pants the day after the Super Bowl. I ended up leaving without a new pair of jeans not because I couldn't find a pair that fit but because I never got comfortable with how big the number by the W on the tag was. Maybe I'll head out tomorrow to try again or maybe I'll just finally make that muumuu transition I've been staring in the face.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/24/11

Top 5

1. The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness - Parks and Recreation returned last week and I know if you're smart enough to read this blog then you already watch P&R. If for some unfathomable reason you don't watch then you need to fix that. Immediately. This week the worlds greatest government employee, Ron Swanson revealed the foundation on which every life should be built, The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. There is so much good and victory in here I almost feel unworthy to receive it. Go ahead, take a look, print it out and hang it on your wall. You'll be better for it.

2. Twitter - If you're reading this, I assume you're already on twitter. But if not, you really should be and this past Sunday is a perfect example why. Twitter was made for events like NFL playoff games. You find you some good follows and your Sunday football tradition just improved seven fold. Between Cutler quitting, gambling degenerates gripping and Rashard Mendenhall Rapisbergering Big Ben twitter was exploding with comedic genius. If comedy isn't your thing but you just want to get more insight into the game, Adam Caplan, John Harris and Rob Rang do a great job of breaking down the game and players. If you want opinions not necessarily on the X's & O's but rather the circumstances surrounding the game then Gregg Doyle, Dan Wetzel and Jason Whitlock are your guys. Or if you're nearsighted and can't see all the way to the television but you want to know what is going on in the Texans game then John McClain will be there to regurgitate the play that just happened. If you're lucky he'll also drop a little Texans propaganda in your lap as well. What I'm trying to say is no matter your situation twitter makes watching football better.

3. Nose Pickers - Look I'm not going disparage anyone for nose picking. When it come to rhino digging I'm world class. I'm a big fat guy but I have these tiny narrow nostrils. So, I have to spend a great deal of time clearing the air passages. However, I bow in respect to the guy I saw in Shipley's donuts the other day. In fact, I slow clap in respect to his brazenness. There he was in the middle of the busy donut shop taking nose picking to a new level. As he stood there cork screwing a napkin in to one nostril then the next and then back again, I knew there was a higher plain of picking I had yet to achieve. I salute you my friend. I only hope to inspire others the way you have inspired me. God Bless.

4. Aaron Rodgers - This time last week the guy was getting killed for snubbing a cancer patient and now he is one victory away from winning the greatest championship in the world. And yes World Series the Lombardi trophy trumps you. We now know the perceived snubbing of a cancer survivor was blown way out of proportion. Hell I had a little fun with this perception myself on twitter. The truth is Rodgers does a lot of charitable work for cancer patients and is widely considered a good guy. He stepped into the very difficult role of replacing a legend like the old dongslinger but he's improved every year and is now considered one of the premier quarterbacks in the league. I'll be pulling for the Pack when they play the Steelers in two weeks because I've liked the Packers since the Lynn Dickey/James Lofton days and if given a choice I prefer to not root for a person accused of sexual assault.

5. Perseverance of the Human Spirit -Some where in Houston there's a woman whose husband has left her alone with five kids this week. She is in a constant battle with raging hormones, sleep deprivation and poor grammar by her kids. She prays daily that she's able to hold it together until her valiant husband is able to make his way back to her. Though her nerves may be frayed she perseveres. Because she knows some where out there, there's a rock star that dedicates songs to her and she will make her husband take her to see that rock star a couple months from now. Keep it together Nicole.


Bottom 5

1. Jay Cutler - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Jay Cutler didn't have a very good day yesterday. His play was bad, not Jake Delhomme bad but bad none the less. Sonny Liston thought his "injury" seemed kind of fishy. And now he's got Bears fans burning his jersey. Someone could really use a reset button. I think Bears fans might want to slow down though. Yeah Cutler likes to pout and through pity parties on the sidelines but have you already forgotten the list of QBs you guys have had since McMahon and Ditka were patrolling the sidelines? I'll give you a partial list just off the top of my head. Stop me when I get to the QB you like better than Cutler: Erik Kramer, Rex Grossman, Peter Tom Willis, Jim Harbaugh (the QB version not the coach), Doug Flutie, Mike Tomczak, Jim Miller, Cade McNown. Is that enough or do I need to keep going? What I'm trying to say is you finally have a guy with some talent. Yeah he's got issues between the ears but he also made strides this year. I'd cut him a little slack. You've got the rest of your lives to hold this game against him.

2. What's left of Al Davis - This is one of those situations where a picture is worth a thousand words. It may also be worth a thousand winces too.

3. Winter Sports Doldrums - Everyone talks about the dog days of summer after the NBA has ended their season and before football is ready to start over again but I find the winter sports doldrums to be much worse. Two weeks from today the football season will officially be in our rear view and all that will be on the table is basketball. Baseball will still be nearly two months away and March Madness more than six weeks. I'm sure it depends on your preference between baseball and basketball as to which down time leaves you more wanting but at least in the summer you can get out and find things to do. The dreary winter weather is far less accommodating. Maybe I'll turn my attention to something other than sports. Is there something other than sports? I'll have to get back to you on that.

4. Modern Family -The writing on Modern Family has been pretty disappointing this season and this past week's episode was the lowest point yet. It was as if the writers discovered Three's Company while watching Nick at Nite and just adapted one of those scripts to fit MF. You know the one where there's a misunderstanding between Jack, Chrissy and the Ropers. If anyone read all the hype from last season and decided to start watching Community and Modern Family this season, they'd think we were all crazy for putting these two shows on the same level. Community has actually managed to improve this season while MF has taken a step back.

5. The End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Fine) - On March 8, 2011 R.E.M. will release their new album (that's an old school term for a collection of songs for all you youngins) Collapse into Now and I won't be heading to the store to buy it. This marks the end of a very long and enjoyable relationship between the boys from Athens, Georgia and myself. I have everything the band has ever released and many things they haven't. I've read several books on the band and a chronicling of the making of their first album but this relationship just isn't working for me anymore. It all started to fall apart when Bill Berry left the band in 1997 and the release of their last great album, New Adventures in Hi-Fi the previous year. The subsequent releases have failed to live up to the quality I expect from R.E.M. and rarely get played anymore. There are a few songs like Imitation of Life that make it into the rotation but not many.  I still plan to see them live whenever they come to town because they continue to be an outstanding live act. I just have lost my desire to hear new music from the guys. I have a retrospective review of all their releases in the works. In preparation for that post and to mark this sad occasion I've spent the past couple of days listening exclusively to their catalog. If I can ever finish this 80's movie post I'll get to working on my R.E.M. love fest.

The Secret to a Happy Netflix - 12/14/10

Best Worst Movie - See it - Anyone who loves cult classics should see this movie. Anyone loves being a little odd should see this movie. Anyone who had their 15 minutes of fame and lived every second to the fullest should see this movie. Best Worst Movie is a documentary that follows the cult rising of the movie Troll 2. The 1986 movie is widely considered the worst movie ever made. Even though it's called Troll 2 it actually has nothing to do with Troll. Over the 20 or so years since its release Troll 2 has gained a notable cult following through word of mouth and the efforts of fans. Troll 2's child star, Michael Stephenson, now an adult decided to explore why this movie has become a cult classic and make a documentary of his journey. Along the way he recruits dentist George Hardy who played his father in Troll 2. The two of them spend the next few months reconnecting with other cast members, organizing screenings and convention appearances, along with fans of the movie. No one has more fun with this than George Hardy. The only person who doesn't seem to enjoy their new found cult status is Troll 2's director, Claudio Fragasso. Fragasso never seems to embrace the humor of being a cult classic and is uneasy when people laugh at the serious parts of his film. Best Worst Movie is an engrossing look at how we accept the absurdities of our past. Some in this movie have learned to embrace their notoriety while others continue to hide from what they consider a blemish.

Wordplay - See it - I learned three things while watching this nicely done documentary. 1. People who do crosswords are way smarter than me. 2. This is where those spelling bee dorks ultimately end up. 3. Jewish people love to do crosswords.  The doc revolves around two central subjects the New York Times crossword puzzle and American Crossword Puzzle Tournament both of which are led by Will Shortz editor of the New York Times crossword puzzle. In the movie, Shortz details what goes into creating the NYT crossword, from clue submissions to puzzle construction as well as the genesis of the NYT puzzle. Through out celebrity interviews are cut in with their personal connections or obsessions with the NYT puzzle. The other half of the doc is the crossword puzzle tournament where the worlds best puzzle solvers convene every year to crown a champion. The viewer is given a glimpse at the lives of some of the top competitors which adds to the drama as the tournament climaxes on stage at the Stamford, CT Marriott.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - See it - After seeing Youth in Revolt, I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for seeing Scott Pilgrim. I thought, well I've seen all the typical Michael Cera character has to offer. I was wrong. Scott Pilgrim is the natural progression of the Michael Cera character. All his awkward, quirkiness is finally channeled into a focused goal of defeating evil and getting the girl. I haven't read the graphic novels so I can only judge the film on its own merits. The film was beautifully shot and perfectly cast. Kieran Culkin, Aubrey Plaza and Allison Pill provide great supporting performances. The score and songs are pitch perfect for the film's style and subject matter. 


Last Cup: Road to the World Series of Beer Pong - Skip it - I actually gave this documentary a positive rating on Netflix after I initially watched it. After a day or so passed I started to sour on that opinion. Not because the movie was worse than I thought but my view on the subject matter began to change. I'm all for making documentaries about unimportant subjects but I think the more frivolous the subject matter the more well made the doc needs to be. In other words, either have something important to say and/or do it very well. This movie misses on both accounts. There is nothing particularly compelling about the competitors or organizers and the editing is much too clunky to create real drama. There are better movies to spend 90 min with.

Non Netflix Movies

The Secret to a Happy Ending - See it - Over the past few years some of Houston's best small artsy theaters have closed their doors. The Angelika and Landmark Greenway have both gone away and with them went opportunities for Houstonians to see some of the better small independent movies at the theater. The Landmark River Oaks continues to hold on despite repeated threats to its survival. This past week I was able to catch a screening of the new documentary on the band The Drive-By Truckers, The Secret to a Happy Ending at Studio Movie Grill City Centre. My wife couldn't go so I invited fellow documentary enthusiast @SeanInCypress who runs a website dedicated to the enjoyment of the documentaries, docdaddies.com.

I loved the movie but then again I'm a huge DBT fan. The director did a nice job of telling the story of the band while presenting the obvious connection between their music and northern Alabama community they come from. The common theme among all members of the band is that music is the only thing they could ever do. Each member readily admits to being terrible at everything else. But when they do what they are good at they do it in outstanding fashion. DBT writes songs about the south and the people who characterize it. They don't apologize for our shortcomings but rather celebrate what makes us unique while sympathizing with our plight. Technically, the film has it's shortcomings. I would have liked to see more of the bands internal struggles highlighted including the disintegrating marriage between two of its members. The record making process especially during the A Blessing and a Curse sessions. The graphics were terrible and the chapters poorly conceived but the stories behind the songs were priceless and the on stage footage made it all worth it.

30 for 30: Pony Excess - See it - I was fortunate that as a kid my parents took me and some friends to see Eric Dickerson and the Pony Express play at Rice Stadium against the Owls. We got to meet some of the players and get autographs after the game. I will go to my grave with the opinion that the 1982 10-0-1 Mustangs were jobbed out of a national title. Of course, they probably wouldn't still have that title because of the litany of NCAA infractions during the era. Pony Excess spotlights the late 70's early 80's SMU program and its outlandish policy of buying players. The old footage from signing day at Craig James' house and Eric Dickerson driving around in his gold Trans AM is outstanding. Ron Meyer is almost a caricature of the extravagance of Dallas and college football in the 70's. I was 11 during the last year of the Pony Express and Eric Dickerson was my favorite player between the Earl Campbell and Barry Sanders eras. I was a teenager and can remember being at a Houston Oilers charity basketball game when the news of SMU's death penalty came down. We were young and naive but even then we knew this was a terrible thing for SMU. However, I don't think we or the NCAA knew just how terrible the death penalty would be.

Lombardi - See it - As good as Pony Excess was Lombardi may have been better. As a football fan, I've always known who Coach Lombardi was but this exceptional documentary by HBO films enlightened me as to who Vince Lombardi was. The doc does a great job of explaining how his need to coach, to teach and to succeed is what drove him to be great, to be a champion. It was also the same thing that made him a miserable person and ultimately made him work himself to death. The obvious collateral damage of his obsession was his family. His passion for football left him with an alcoholic wife and strained relationships with his son and daughter. The most moving moments though are by those people who worked for or were coached by him. Even nearly 40 years after his death, Lombardi left such an indelible impact on their lives most are moved to tears when speaking of the coach's last days. If the greatness of a man is judged by the imprint he leaves on those he touches then Lombardi was truly one of the greatest among us.