The ApeDonkey Manifesto: New Laws & Regulations

I huge part of ApeDonkey's mission is to make this country and this world a better place. As a part of that mission we've already given you a list of people you absolutely can't trust and the reasons you should always choose chocolate over vanilla.

Now it's time to address the laws that govern this country. I'm of the opinion there are way too many laws in this country. The bigger problem though is we have the wrong laws. Congress seems much too concerned with making moral choices for adults. How about Congress sticks to building roads and I'll work on making better moral choices.

My point is we waste way too much time and money on the wrong things. So as part of The ApeDonkey Manifesto for a better America, a better World, I've come up with some laws and regulations not created to imprison people but to make us a better society.

• To the mom who "needs" a gigantic, unparkable, gas guzzling Suburban or SUV if that ilk to lug your two kids all over town. Sorry but that's not gonna happen. If you want a bigger vehicle then you need to put in the work and produce a few more kids. Once you get to 3, 4 or 5 kids the ban is lifted and you can then upgrade to a behemoth. Until then it's sedan city.
• There will be and immediate ban on importing music from Canada. Alanis Morissette, Rush and Nickelback among others have done enough damage. Yes we'll have to sacrifice some great acts like Neko Case, AC Newman and The New Pornographers but no one said making America great again wasn't going to be painful.
• I'm a big fat guy but even I can see that we have a huge problem with obesity in the country. From this point on restaurants will now have to charge by the calorie. Fatty wants that chicken fried steak, fries and a piece of chocolate cheese cake then fatty's gonna have to pay dearly for it.
• There will only be three options for disposing of the deceased. 1) Cremation 2) Donated to science 3) If you really must be buried then it will be done out in the Arizona/Nevada/New Mexico desert. We only have so much land let's stop filling it up with dead bodies.
• No more cats as pets. Until someone makes a convincing argument that cats actually have any affection for the person who sustains their life, they're out.
• Gambling will be legalized in all 50 states. I'm an adult. I think I can make the determination if it's morally corrupt to play blackjack.  Mr. Congressman maybe you should think about the morality of getting fat off of the dollars of Nevada, Louisiana and New Jersey lobbyists.
• Only one awards show per industry. That means you can have the Oscars, Grammys and Emmys but no more AMAs, SAG awards, Golden Globes, MTV whatever awards. Your awards show sucks stop cluttering up my television.
• Tyler Perry will be immediately deported to parts unknown. You're at least 7 bad productions over the line pal.
• Douchebaggery will be a 2nd degree felony.
• Everyone will be required to work a blue collar job for a minimum of three years. It humbles you and teaches you how to treat people.
• Gay marriage will be legal. It's completely unfair that a gay couple can spend ten years together and not have to go through the price gouging, soul crushing process of divorce.
• Dallas, LA and Miami will immediately be de-annexed and become thunderdome states.
• "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" will be written into the Bill of Rights. You're not 8, I don't care what someone calls you or says about you. Get over it.
• Education will be funded first. Educate the people and together we'll figure out how to fund everything else.
• One of our new motto's will be "Stupidity is a part of nature. Ignorance is not."
  

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 2/7/11

Top 5

1. Green Bay Packers - You win the Super Bowl, you get the top spot on the power rankings. Aaron Rodgers was just shy of spectacular. Actually, Rodgers was spectacular. His receivers on the other hand did there best to keep the Steelers in the game. James Jones and Jordy Nelson dropped two to three sure touchdowns. On a positive note for the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger didn't sexually assault anyone yesterday, at least not during game time.

2. Timely Errands - I was out grilling burgers so I missed what seems to have been a pretty terrible rendition of the National Anthem by Christina Aguilera complete with leaving out a one stanza. Hey, you guys can't have it both ways though. You can either complain that she sounded terrible or that she forgot part of the song. If she sounded that bad then consider it a blessing she left part of the song out.

Fortunately, I had to run out to the store during halftime and was spared whatever the hell that was the Black Eye Peas were doing. I missed most of the performance, just catching the tail end but I did catch enough of Fergie's act to send me straight to WebMD to check if I needed to get a Valtrex prescription.

3. Brooklyn Decker - I guess she has a movie coming out with Adam Sandler. I don't care about that though. Any movie with Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is bound to set a new record for being unwatchable. Brooklyn is also burning up the pages of Esquire this month. She's been the hottest SI model for about five years now. I'm convinced Brooklyn's pick'em videos with Dr. Z is what gave him a stroke. Sampras and Aggasi can sit around polishing their 22 Grand Slam trophies all they want. As long as Roddick gets to polish Brooklyn Decker, advantage Roddick.

4. Justified - Raylan Givens and his itchy trigger finger are back this week. After dealing with Boyd and Bo Crowder last season, these human trafficking, moonshiners shouldn't pose any problem for our favorite US Marshal. Yeah right.

5. The ApeDonkey - Sometime last night the ApeDonkey blog surpassed 10,000 page views. That's just the beginning but I'm pretty proud none the less. That's not bad for a guy who has nothing better to do but watch a ton of TV and movies. Now with Barry helping out with the blog, we're looking to bring you even more TV, movie, sports and general observations in the fucked up world.


Bottom 5

1. Dallas - Thank God it was a good game because the rest of the week completely sucked. I understand you can't control the weather but I like to think that God was trying to tell us that many douche bags shouldn't congregate in one place. Was the snow and ice falling off the stadium on to bystanders something you couldn't control too? How about the 400 fans that didn't get the seats they paid for. I know you'll get another Super Bowl. You've got a billion dollar stadium an owner that stops at nothing to get what he wants and most of all no one dared to give the illusion of showing a nipple on national television. Congratulations Dallas for the 172 year in a row, you suck.

2. Brett Favre - This just hasn't been the Cock Shotter's year. First he throws a dumb interception in overtime that cost the Vikings a trip to the Super Bowl. Then it's revealed he made several calls propositioning Jenn Sterger. The pics of his cock and crocs were released to the public. Everyone finds out he's a dog that will get you fired if a happy ending isn't included with that massage. He finally missed a game for the first time in nearly 20 years. If all that wasn't a big enough kick in the nuts, his former team the Packers won the Super Bowl last night and his memory and legacy in Green Bay faded just a little bit more.

3. Radio Row - The best thing about the Super Bowl being over is no more radio row. Every year those of us who listen to sports talk radio are tortured with a week of terrible interviews involving former players rehashing the same stories they've told 3000 times before then trying to sell us the latest development in foot powder. I can't stand it. Yeah it sounds great when they tell you the guest list includes Joe Montana, John Elway and Jim McMahon. Then the light goes on and you realize why you haven't heard from these guys in 365 days. Please for the love of God make it stop.

4. NFL Hall of Fame - So let me get this straight, the best center of his generation isn't a Hall of Famer. Neither is an 11 time Pro Bowler and 9 time All Pro tackle who was selected to the All Decade team for both the 1990's and the 2000's. I've got huge issues with maximum limits on inductees per year as well as lumping contributors and players together in the same pool. Cris Carter being passed over just makes the voters look foolish but if Dermontti Dawson and Willie Roaf aren't Hall of Famers then I no longer no what a Hall of Famer looks like. Get your shit together voters.

5. Super Bowl Sunday Me - Sunday's game was the last football game of my gambling hiatus. So since I had no dog in the fight and no number to root for Sunday was 100% about gluttony. I kicked off my day with my usual Sunday morning trip to Harris County Smokehouse for a couple pancakes. That was followed up with a bowl of queso for lunch, a burger and homemade fries for dinner and I celebrated the 4th quarter with another bowl of queso. Along the way, I had the more than occasional cookie and peanut butter M&M. By midnight I was laying in bed feeling like John Hurt in Alien. I was praying to God that the sharp toothed bastard residing in my gut would just eat his way out and put me out of my misery. That vengeful son of a bitch never did escape so I spent most of the night tossing and turning. As if turned out fate wasn't done with me. I needed a new pair of jeans so I headed out to accomplish something today. Never again will I put myself through the torture of trying on pants the day after the Super Bowl. I ended up leaving without a new pair of jeans not because I couldn't find a pair that fit but because I never got comfortable with how big the number by the W on the tag was. Maybe I'll head out tomorrow to try again or maybe I'll just finally make that muumuu transition I've been staring in the face.

Eat A D*ck and Chocolate Bars

Every week someone or something pisses you off to the point of wanting to pound it to dust. At the very least you want to tell it to Eat A Dick. You need a place to vent. Hell, I need more than one place to vent. I need an entire planet to vent. Let this be your place. Feel free to leave a comment telling me all the people, places and things you want to Eat A Dick. You may even want to tell me to Eat A Dick. Good. I promise I deserve it.

Well, I can't think of a better time to do that than on a Monday. In Fact, let's get this started by telling Monday to Eat A Dick.

Monday can Eat A Dick.  It's Monday nuff said.

Brett Favre can Eat A Dick. I would like to blame myself for waiting until the later rounds to take a quarterback but I've seen you play. Yes, you do need training camp. You do need to run drills with your receivers. No losing Sidney Rice is not an excuse. Yes you are ruining my fantasy football team. No you aren't bigger than the game or the franchise. Yes your coach looks and acts like Mr. Noodle. No this does not give you an excuse for being a giant suck hole.

Lowes and any other store that already has Christmas crap out can Eat A Dick. Really? You do realize it's September. Can you at least wait until the temperature drops below 90 before you want me to buy a wreath for my door?

Gary Kubiak's vagina can Eat A Dick. I'm thrilled the Texans beat the Redskins but Kubiak has shown on more than one occasion a penchant for clinching the old sphincter in critical moments. More than once we've all seen him play it safe and Sunday was no different. I know a 52 yard field goal is no gimme but on the road you have to go for the win when it's there. The end result does not excuse you for not kicking it in the first place.

The Dallas Cowboys and all their fans can Eat A Dick. This is Dallas hate week. Now don't get me wrong, every week is Dallas hate week but this one has a special significance. The Cowpokes are coming to town and the Texans are going to stomp a mudhole in them.

I don't want this to be all negative though. Let's hand out some chocolate bars to those people and things that have filled our hearts with joy over the past week.

Andre Johnson. You can have as many chocolate bars as you want. You sir are a stud.

Gary Kubiak. You get a chocolate bar for your genius icing the kicker timeout. It saved your ass.

Rubicon. You and your entire staff get chocolate bars. This show is getting better with every episode. Kale is becoming a television favorite of mine to the point that I'm becoming a little gay for him. I sincerely hope all you dip shits who've yet to get up on this show, correct that problem soon. If this gets canceled because you're not watching, I'm gonna hate you for a very long time.

Iron & Wine. Chocolate bar to you for finally scheduling a show in Houston. Sam Beam and company will be making an appearance at Fitzgerald's in November.


That is all for this week. Now everyone go out and show a Cowboys fan just how much you hate them.