The ApeDonkey Manifesto: New Laws & Regulations

I huge part of ApeDonkey's mission is to make this country and this world a better place. As a part of that mission we've already given you a list of people you absolutely can't trust and the reasons you should always choose chocolate over vanilla.

Now it's time to address the laws that govern this country. I'm of the opinion there are way too many laws in this country. The bigger problem though is we have the wrong laws. Congress seems much too concerned with making moral choices for adults. How about Congress sticks to building roads and I'll work on making better moral choices.

My point is we waste way too much time and money on the wrong things. So as part of The ApeDonkey Manifesto for a better America, a better World, I've come up with some laws and regulations not created to imprison people but to make us a better society.

• To the mom who "needs" a gigantic, unparkable, gas guzzling Suburban or SUV if that ilk to lug your two kids all over town. Sorry but that's not gonna happen. If you want a bigger vehicle then you need to put in the work and produce a few more kids. Once you get to 3, 4 or 5 kids the ban is lifted and you can then upgrade to a behemoth. Until then it's sedan city.
• There will be and immediate ban on importing music from Canada. Alanis Morissette, Rush and Nickelback among others have done enough damage. Yes we'll have to sacrifice some great acts like Neko Case, AC Newman and The New Pornographers but no one said making America great again wasn't going to be painful.
• I'm a big fat guy but even I can see that we have a huge problem with obesity in the country. From this point on restaurants will now have to charge by the calorie. Fatty wants that chicken fried steak, fries and a piece of chocolate cheese cake then fatty's gonna have to pay dearly for it.
• There will only be three options for disposing of the deceased. 1) Cremation 2) Donated to science 3) If you really must be buried then it will be done out in the Arizona/Nevada/New Mexico desert. We only have so much land let's stop filling it up with dead bodies.
• No more cats as pets. Until someone makes a convincing argument that cats actually have any affection for the person who sustains their life, they're out.
• Gambling will be legalized in all 50 states. I'm an adult. I think I can make the determination if it's morally corrupt to play blackjack.  Mr. Congressman maybe you should think about the morality of getting fat off of the dollars of Nevada, Louisiana and New Jersey lobbyists.
• Only one awards show per industry. That means you can have the Oscars, Grammys and Emmys but no more AMAs, SAG awards, Golden Globes, MTV whatever awards. Your awards show sucks stop cluttering up my television.
• Tyler Perry will be immediately deported to parts unknown. You're at least 7 bad productions over the line pal.
• Douchebaggery will be a 2nd degree felony.
• Everyone will be required to work a blue collar job for a minimum of three years. It humbles you and teaches you how to treat people.
• Gay marriage will be legal. It's completely unfair that a gay couple can spend ten years together and not have to go through the price gouging, soul crushing process of divorce.
• Dallas, LA and Miami will immediately be de-annexed and become thunderdome states.
• "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" will be written into the Bill of Rights. You're not 8, I don't care what someone calls you or says about you. Get over it.
• Education will be funded first. Educate the people and together we'll figure out how to fund everything else.
• One of our new motto's will be "Stupidity is a part of nature. Ignorance is not."
  

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 2/7/11

Top 5

1. Green Bay Packers - You win the Super Bowl, you get the top spot on the power rankings. Aaron Rodgers was just shy of spectacular. Actually, Rodgers was spectacular. His receivers on the other hand did there best to keep the Steelers in the game. James Jones and Jordy Nelson dropped two to three sure touchdowns. On a positive note for the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger didn't sexually assault anyone yesterday, at least not during game time.

2. Timely Errands - I was out grilling burgers so I missed what seems to have been a pretty terrible rendition of the National Anthem by Christina Aguilera complete with leaving out a one stanza. Hey, you guys can't have it both ways though. You can either complain that she sounded terrible or that she forgot part of the song. If she sounded that bad then consider it a blessing she left part of the song out.

Fortunately, I had to run out to the store during halftime and was spared whatever the hell that was the Black Eye Peas were doing. I missed most of the performance, just catching the tail end but I did catch enough of Fergie's act to send me straight to WebMD to check if I needed to get a Valtrex prescription.

3. Brooklyn Decker - I guess she has a movie coming out with Adam Sandler. I don't care about that though. Any movie with Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is bound to set a new record for being unwatchable. Brooklyn is also burning up the pages of Esquire this month. She's been the hottest SI model for about five years now. I'm convinced Brooklyn's pick'em videos with Dr. Z is what gave him a stroke. Sampras and Aggasi can sit around polishing their 22 Grand Slam trophies all they want. As long as Roddick gets to polish Brooklyn Decker, advantage Roddick.

4. Justified - Raylan Givens and his itchy trigger finger are back this week. After dealing with Boyd and Bo Crowder last season, these human trafficking, moonshiners shouldn't pose any problem for our favorite US Marshal. Yeah right.

5. The ApeDonkey - Sometime last night the ApeDonkey blog surpassed 10,000 page views. That's just the beginning but I'm pretty proud none the less. That's not bad for a guy who has nothing better to do but watch a ton of TV and movies. Now with Barry helping out with the blog, we're looking to bring you even more TV, movie, sports and general observations in the fucked up world.


Bottom 5

1. Dallas - Thank God it was a good game because the rest of the week completely sucked. I understand you can't control the weather but I like to think that God was trying to tell us that many douche bags shouldn't congregate in one place. Was the snow and ice falling off the stadium on to bystanders something you couldn't control too? How about the 400 fans that didn't get the seats they paid for. I know you'll get another Super Bowl. You've got a billion dollar stadium an owner that stops at nothing to get what he wants and most of all no one dared to give the illusion of showing a nipple on national television. Congratulations Dallas for the 172 year in a row, you suck.

2. Brett Favre - This just hasn't been the Cock Shotter's year. First he throws a dumb interception in overtime that cost the Vikings a trip to the Super Bowl. Then it's revealed he made several calls propositioning Jenn Sterger. The pics of his cock and crocs were released to the public. Everyone finds out he's a dog that will get you fired if a happy ending isn't included with that massage. He finally missed a game for the first time in nearly 20 years. If all that wasn't a big enough kick in the nuts, his former team the Packers won the Super Bowl last night and his memory and legacy in Green Bay faded just a little bit more.

3. Radio Row - The best thing about the Super Bowl being over is no more radio row. Every year those of us who listen to sports talk radio are tortured with a week of terrible interviews involving former players rehashing the same stories they've told 3000 times before then trying to sell us the latest development in foot powder. I can't stand it. Yeah it sounds great when they tell you the guest list includes Joe Montana, John Elway and Jim McMahon. Then the light goes on and you realize why you haven't heard from these guys in 365 days. Please for the love of God make it stop.

4. NFL Hall of Fame - So let me get this straight, the best center of his generation isn't a Hall of Famer. Neither is an 11 time Pro Bowler and 9 time All Pro tackle who was selected to the All Decade team for both the 1990's and the 2000's. I've got huge issues with maximum limits on inductees per year as well as lumping contributors and players together in the same pool. Cris Carter being passed over just makes the voters look foolish but if Dermontti Dawson and Willie Roaf aren't Hall of Famers then I no longer no what a Hall of Famer looks like. Get your shit together voters.

5. Super Bowl Sunday Me - Sunday's game was the last football game of my gambling hiatus. So since I had no dog in the fight and no number to root for Sunday was 100% about gluttony. I kicked off my day with my usual Sunday morning trip to Harris County Smokehouse for a couple pancakes. That was followed up with a bowl of queso for lunch, a burger and homemade fries for dinner and I celebrated the 4th quarter with another bowl of queso. Along the way, I had the more than occasional cookie and peanut butter M&M. By midnight I was laying in bed feeling like John Hurt in Alien. I was praying to God that the sharp toothed bastard residing in my gut would just eat his way out and put me out of my misery. That vengeful son of a bitch never did escape so I spent most of the night tossing and turning. As if turned out fate wasn't done with me. I needed a new pair of jeans so I headed out to accomplish something today. Never again will I put myself through the torture of trying on pants the day after the Super Bowl. I ended up leaving without a new pair of jeans not because I couldn't find a pair that fit but because I never got comfortable with how big the number by the W on the tag was. Maybe I'll head out tomorrow to try again or maybe I'll just finally make that muumuu transition I've been staring in the face.

Weightloss Wednesday - 8/11

This was not a good week for me. I held true to my word and started walking and wouldn't you know it by Monday's weigh in I had gained a pound. In the spirit of full disclosure I will admit that Monday for lunch I went to Barry's Pizza for my niece's birthday. Yeah, I could have had just a side salad and some chicken but I WAS AT BARRY'S PIZZA. So I had a side salad and one slice of pizza. Do I feel guilty about this? Not really. I've only cheated a couple times on the plan so far and each time it wasn't a total pig out but a cheat in moderation (if there is such a thing).

I have been fighting this nasty plateau for the past week though. Gain a pound, lose a pound. Finally, they started me on a plateau buster this morning. Maybe by this time next week I'll really be out of the Tub of Goo level.

The QWL "advisers" and I have been in a bit of a struggle of late though. I've been trying to convince them they have me on the wrong plan. Since I've had lap-band surgery before, I believe the QWL plan 4 isn't restrictive enough for me. I don't get hungry and actually have difficult time eating all the food on the plan because of the banding. Half the staff has agreed with me and told me they would talk to their supervisor about moving me while the other half has stuck to their manual and won't listen to such nonsense until I'm under 300lbs. At this point, I guess I'm just going to have to wait out getting down under 300 because that call from the "supervisor" doesn't seem to be coming.

Then yesterday, one of the staff was out sick so someone from the Willowbrook store was filling in for her. As luck would have it I drew her. I had lost a pound from Monday to Tuesday but that's not she wanted to talk about. She saw that I had had grilled catfish for lunch. Holy S*#@ you would have thought I had eaten a Texas sized chicken fried steak. She continued to remind me that catfish was not one of the approved types of fish according to the plan.  I thought I had done pretty well by eating a fish fillet and side salad and not touching the free biscuits and butter on the table. If I'd known I was going to be admonished anyway, I would've just ordered a stack of pancakes and extra butter. Needless to say I won't be weighing in at the Willowbrook store anytime soon.


Starting weight: 333
Current weight: 309
pounds lost: 24
weeks: 5

Two Weeks Down

Today is the end of my second week with Quick Weight Loss. I breezed through the first week but then hit a plateau in week two. I'm on day two of what they call a plateau buster. Which is basically an all protein diet. Based on my weight today the plateau buster seems to have worked. Here's the score card so far broken down into What's Easy and What's Difficult.

What's Easy

• No soft drinks, this is easy because I haven't had a soft drink in nearly 5 yeas anyway. Although, I do get the occasional craving for an ice cold Dr. Pepper.
• No Beer, another easy one for me because, well, I don't drink beer. I took a drink of one beer when I was 21. It tasted like shit so I never tried it again.
• Eating 3 servings of fruit/day. Fruit is one of those things that I never think about how much I like it unless I'm actively eating it. Late at night, I never think "an apple would really hit the spot" instead I'd always grab the keys and head to Wendy's for a frosty. Now I look forward to a nice tart Granny Smith.
• Mostly eating chicken, this is easy because first,I've never been that big of a beef eater anyway. Now a steak or some pot roast is a nice change of pace. Secondly, I don't really get tired of eating the same thing. I once spent an entire year eating a Chick-fil-A sandwich for lunch and a Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich for dinner everyday and I never tired of it.
• The protein snack bars are pretty good. They satisfy my chocolate craving and that's a good thing.
• Mrs. Dash, this lady will save your life. You can't use real salt or marinate what you're cooking so Mrs. Dash has become my best friend. I don't really miss salt because I never used that much anyway but not being able to marinate or cook in olive oil are on the What's Difficult list.

What's Difficult

• Milk, I hate milk. All milk tastes and smells sour to me. I'm not allergic to it or lactose intolerant. I just can't stand milk. I won't drink a milk shake because I can taste the milk through it. Now I'm supposed to drink 6-8 oz daily. I've tried to overcome this by mixing my protein drink with it. Which brings me to....
• Protein drinks, the flavor choices suck. So far I've tried pineapple-orange and wild berry and both suck. I try to just down them as fast as possible but it's a struggle, especially when made with milk. They're a little more tolerable with water but not much.
• Vegetables, I like very few vegetables cooked but will eat almost any raw. Right now I eat a lot of salads with lettuce, cabbage and broccoli. If I want a hot vegetable I pretty much have to eat green beans. I was really disappointed to find that onions, corn and carrots weren't allowed on the plan. I love onions and not being able to cook with them is killing me.

I know along the way I'm gonna run into many more difficulties but so far, I can' complain.

Starting weight: 333
Current weight: 318
pounds lost: 15
weeks: 2