ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 4/4/11

Top 5

1. Nancy Drew - As I wrote last week, my truck was broken in to and my wife's laptop and my ipod were stolen. Since that happened, my wife has been using all there Nancy Drew and Blues Clues skills to track down the perpetrator. The afternoon of the robbery she started scouring craigslist and ebay looking for postings that looked like they could be our stuff. In the meantime we had to buy a new laptop and I wanted to get a new ipod for the car. Last week my wife sent me a posting and said she thought this was my ipod. I completely blew her off but she continued to try to get information on it. Finally she noticed it was listed as a 7th generation ipod and mine was a 6th so she gave up hope that it was mine. However, they were selling it pretty cheap so I made arrangements to buy it from the person. It turns out they lived on my side of town and meeting them was easy. The person selling the ipod arrived and I approached his car to check out the item and make sure it worked. I turned it on and immediately recognized in the cover flow a record that only me and maybe ten others in the city would own. I went to the playlists and sure enough it was my ipod. At this point I wasn't sure what to do. This guy could have easily beaten my ass in an instance. I calmly spoke to him and told him I didn't want to make a big deal out of it but this was my ipod. I repeatedly expressed to him how important it was that I get the laptop back since it had all of our business files on it. As you would expect, he feigned surprise and told me how his girlfriend had found the ipod by stepping on it in a parking lot. Yeah OK. I just continued to calmly impress upon him the importance of getting the laptop back. Then he decided to be a good soul and knock the price down to $50 for my own ipod. Thanks.

I really didn't feel safe so I told him that was fine and paid for my ipod. I expressed to him a few more times that I wanted my ipod back and even if he didn't have it, if he could tell "whoever" did have it that I wanted to get it back, I would appreciate it. We then went our separate ways. A few minutes later I got a call from him telling me he felt bad about taking my money and offered to give it back. Once again I told him I didn't care about the money, I just wanted the laptop back. Anyway, thanks to my wife's detective skills we now have the guy's phone number, address and a picture of his car and plates. Unfortunately, this was over a week ago now and the police still have returned our call. We've spoken to them a couple of times and even had a police officer friend call and try to expedite the process but still nothing. Apparently there are two police officers assigned to work all the auto theft cases in Houston. Two! I'm not blaming the officers for this but the shitty system. We have essentially done the leg work to locate everything and have been completely ignored. On Saturday, we got a notice from the bank that our account had been disabled because someone had tried the wrong password too many times. I wonder who that was? So if either of the officers working auto theft read this please give me a call. I think we can close a case for you. Until then I'm going to go out a rob a few cars myself because auto theft is Houston's version of Hamsterdam.

2. Clank - This past Monday night Clank had a very good and well publicized evening. I don't know if someone thought it would be funny to replace the Final Four rims with some of those carnival game rims but neither team playing in the championship game could hit a shot. I don't know what UConn ended up shooting but it was beaten into my head yesterday that Butler shot an impressive 18%. I lost interest in the game about four minutes into the second half and started reading with the game on in the background. I couldn't tell you how good or bad the production was but I can tell you without pause how distracting the constant barrage of shots clanking off the rim was. At one point I didn't look at the television for a stretch of about 20 minutes and when I did finally look up Butler had the same number of points as they did the last time I looked at the score. It was just a pathetic performance by both teams. It reminded me of the Presidential elections of the last decade. No one deserved to win but they've got to give it to someone, so congrats UConn.

3. The Killing - A handful of new cable shows premiered this week including The Borgias, Camelot and The killing. Of the three new shows, The Killing looked to have something special. @heydannyv commented on Barry's review how much the cinematography, directing and use of music reminded him of Rubicon. I completely agree with that assessment. The previews gave me flashbacks to Twin Peaks but the reality is Twin Peaks was set in a completely different world where the supernatural and paranormal activity weren't out of the norm. The Killing looks to be an extremely well made murder mystery. 

4. Friday Night Lights Season 5 - FNL comes out on DVD today. We here at ApeDonkey have dedicate a ton of time to praising the series, season and actors of this outstanding show. One thing that hasn't been discussed enough it how stupid NBC is. NBC was set to cancel the series after the second season. Instead Direct TV stepped in to pick up some of the production cost and to broadcast the series on their channel 101 six months ahead of NBC's broadcast. This agreement has allowed me to see the entire series without ever watching a single episode on NBC. I was a late comer to FNL, becoming a fan during its season 3 run, so I saw the first two seasons on Netflix then watched the rest through uploaded episodes on the Internet. Anyway, like I said season 5 comes out today on DVD. If you have Direct TV you could have already watched season 5 on The 101 but NBC still won't be start showing it for another couple weeks. Genius. I'm a bit surprised they didn't cancel Community and Parks & Rec while they were making these brilliant programming decisions.

5. It was a tough week so just pour a little out for #5 this week.

Bottom 5

1. My Wallet - A couple weeks ago my six year old vomited in my Prius. Now I cleaned it up the puke but there's still that lingering barf smell in the car. I need to get it detailed to see if they can freshen it up. In the mean time I've been driving my truck instead. Nothing shocks the wallet quite like going from a car that gets 50mpg to a truck getting 15mpg. Especially when gas is nearly $4/gal. Since I've been driving the truck I've been going through $20-$30 of gas a day. That would last me at least a week in the Prius. If nothing else this week has reminded me why my 2+ yr old truck has less than 15k miles on it.

2. Catholicism - I'm not catholic, in truth I'm about as WASPY as a person can get. However, I did graduate from a catholic university and had to take catholic studies courses as part of the curriculum. So I do know a little something about Catholicism. I find the history of Catholicism fascinating and I tried to convince my wife to let me name our son John Paul so I could call him Pope. That idea didn't fly but I had to try. I do have quite a few friends and people I respect who are catholic. I don't know how they are going to feel about The Borgias but I can't imagine The Vatican being very big fans of the show.

The new Showtime series is based on the 15th century Papal family that was rife with controversy and scandal. In the series Pope Alexander VI has several kids with one of his mistresses. His son who he appoints as a Cardinal is uncomfortably interested in his 14 year old sister. One of his other sons is the head of the Papal army and may as well be based on Uday Hussein. I thought the first two episodes were pretty good but not great. Jeremy Irons as the Pope is his normal terrific self and the show's stand out has been Fancois Arnaud as Cesare Borgia.

The catholic church has a long rich history filled with both incredibly charitable and despicable act. This story happens to be one of the dark times in the Vatican. Showtime has proven they can produce an excellent series and this one has all the elements to be their next one I just wonder how well it will be received by the followers of the worlds largest religion.

3. Toyota Service - I've only had to take my Prius in to the dealer twice for service. Once was for a recall on the brakes and the second time was to have the back seat belts replaced. Both times the service department at Joe Myers Toyota has sucked giant balls. When I bought they car I was given two free oil changes. I used the first free oil change when I had the brakes fixed. At that time the guy told me to skip a few changes before I used the second one because I couldn't use them within a certain amount of time of each other. What? OK. So I tried to use the second one this last time. The guy before never said anything about having to use them before 36k miles. Fucking Dickhead. On top of that the shit heads didn't wash my car like they're supposed. I'm almost glad my car is now out of warranty because I won't be tempted to take it to the retarded monkeys at the dealership. I have a place down the road that does good work and I trust them. For the first time in my life I'm actually looking forward to doing one of those service surveys for a dealership.

4. Brandon Lyon - This is where I was going to talk about Brandon Lyon blowing a 4-2 lead to the Phillies on opening day but the Astros have much bigger issues than Lyon and he's only had one save opportunity so far this season. The Astros are going to suck all season. The best gambling decision I've made this year is not betting the over on the Astros win total. I think they'll compete for the worst record in the majors this year. Thank God for fantasy baseball to make other games interesting to me.

5. Kavorka - I'm not a particularly handsome guy. I probably trend somewhere in the middle of the looks scale but for whatever reason women in the service industry just dig me. I'm a happily married man and don't invite this kind of attention at all. In fact, nearly everything I do should deflect it. I shave maybe once every other month or so. I sustain myself on donuts so that I'm as fat as I can possibly be. I rate closer to the Unabomber on the anti social scale than most. In person, aloof is the best I can do. Mean and flat out ignoring people is more of the norm though. I've adopted a French sensibility to hygiene. Yet, these women and some men still want me. I thought this curse had left me when I moved out to the burbs but then one of the women at the local McDonald's started giving me that extra little smile and wanting look. A few weeks ago though she turned on me and now has started a strict regime of giving me the cold shoulder. I figured out her issue the other day. She finally gave up on me leaving the wife and kids and got engaged to what I assume was at best her second choice. Sorry but I've got a good thing here at home. Now I'm getting those same uncomfortable looks and the eyes undressing me from the girl who delivers pizza. I've tried to tell my wife not to send me to pick up the pizza by myself. You never know when the Kavorka is going to send this poor woman over the edge with desire. My wife seems to be willing to take the chance of my shirt being ripped off but I have to admit I'm a little frightened every time we order pizza.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/22/10

Top 5


1. Orange - There are very few things that can get me behind the Aggies but Bo Pelini is one. Wow, I've written this paragraph several times now and I just can't seem to muster the proper hate. Thanks, Longhorns that's what you and your crappy play has done to me this season. Not only have you sucked the enjoyment of UT games out of me but you've also killed my personal hate machine. I'm sure I'll find my hate before we get to DKR on Thursday night though.  We're also celebrating the orange of Oklahoma St. as they try to save us from having to see OU and their lip less coach in another Big 12 title game. Go Pokes. 


2. Astros Fans - Christmas came early for Astros fans. Last week Drayton McLane announced he was putting the Astros on the market. Maybe he got tired of seeing the guys he runs out of town in the World Series, Bob Watson (Yankees), Gerry Hunsicker (Rays), Nolan Ryan (Rangers). Maybe even he finally got tired of his whole fake "who wants to be a champion" act. I know the fans have been tired of it for years now. Uncle D did do some good things though so in the spirit of Thanksgiving, thanks for the World Series appearance, thanks for the playoff runs, thanks for the great stadium, thanks for letting us celebrate Biggio's career 77 times, also thanks for Carlos Lee's contract, thanks for $9 nachos, thanks for running the Oilers out of town, thanks for Tim Purpura, thanks for taking the farm system from #1 to #30. Mostly, we'd like to thank you for waiting two years to put the team on the market because we would have hated for a local icon like Nolan Ryan to buy the team.

3. The Eagles - They're no Don Henley, Glen Frey and Joe Walsh but Mike Vick, DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy are the most exciting team in the NFL right now. I don't know if they have the defense or the football IQ on offense to win the Super Bowl but they definitely have enough to challenge in the NFC. As a Texans fan, I fully expect the Eagles to put up at least 60 points on the Texans pathetic pass defense. DeSean Jackson getting 15-20 yards of separation on Kareem Jackson isn't a possibility, it's a probability. The biggest issue I foresee is if both the Eagles and the Steelers  make it to the Super Bowl, who do you root for? The dog executioner or the sexual assaulter? As a dog owner and lover I find it very hard to root for Vick but the thought of pulling for Rapelisberger just makes my skin crawl.

4. Boardwalk Empire - Man, this weeks episode had it all. Arnold Rothstein coolly putting the Philly boys in their place. Al Capone having a moment of clarity during a bar mitzvah. Eddie really feeling it after saving Nucky's life. Van Alden hitting the sauce then hitting a very saucy Lucy. And the coup de grace was Chalky choking a bitch out after finding out he was the person responsible for the lynching of one of his men. Excellent episode.



5. Kids & Art -My wife and I like to expose our kids to as much art and culture as possible. Our daughter, Audrey loves art. She loves looking at, learning about and creating art. She's pretty good too. So last week we a had a pretty successful week when her class went on a field trip to the MFAH to see the German Impressionists and the African Ife exhibits. Then on Saturday we took Audrey and Cash to Via Colori. The Via Colori street paintings were pretty incredible and there was plenty food and activities to keep the kids happy. For a $10 donation you could get your kid a 2ft square and pastels for them to paint themselves. Audrey promptly made a mess of herself in the process of painting her square. In hindsight maybe doing that first wasn't the best idea. Ultimately, we had a great day out and didn't have to spend a lot of money to have a great time.

Audrey got a tattoo of the logo her mama created for Via Colori

 









Bottom 5

1. Bo Pelini - It did not take long for his act to grow tired did it? We get it you're intense. You wear sweatshirts and you're intense. You chomp gum and you're intense. Your brother attacks cameramen and you're intense. You bitch about refs and you're intense. Yeah, so there were some calls that went against you but superior teams find a way to get past the calls. Disciplined teams don't make those penalties in the first place. You think Saturday was bad? Wait until you're playing a night game at the Horseshoe. Listen Bo, just do us a favor stop crying, stop embarrassing your players on national television, stop letting your brother act like an a-hole and stop losing to teams from Texas. Oh never mind that last part, Dr. Tom and the Big 10 already took care of that.

2. Saturday Breakfast - As I've stated before, we go out for Saturday breakfast every week at Harris County Smokehouse. Seriously, they have the best buttermilk pancakes in town. We've got a problem though. For years I could count on them playing some sweet old cowboy music. The restaurant was always full of Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins and all those great old country songs. A few weeks ago someone decided they needed to start playing top 40 country. This is a huge problem. That music sucks and is sucking the fluff and flavor out of my pancakes. I need my weekly dose of family breakfast and I need someone with the skill and magic of HCS to make it but I can't possibly tolerate being sonically tortured for an hour during the process. Please bring back the man in black.

3. VY - Let's get this straight, I love Vince Young. I'll never forget 4th & 5. I'll never forget the best college football player I've ever seen. Unfortunately, it appears for as talented as he is, he's equally immature. There have long been rumors of his lack of work ethic and of course the infamous six on the Wonderlic test. I doubt even Mack Brown believes Vince will win two Super Bowls or come anywhere near the Hall of Fame. At 27, he's a man not a kid. Jeff Fisher is doing the right thing by not coddling him anymore. He's been pampered and told he was great enough for three lifetimes. We'll see if Bud Adams allows Jeff Fisher to give Vince the ass kicking he needs and deserves. If so, hopefully losing his job and possibly team will knock some sense into him much like being run out of Carolina did for Kerry Collins. Vince you were great and every UT fan appreciates what you did while in Austin but your act is tired and you're quickly becoming the worst kind of joke.

4. Reality Show Finales - I rarely watch any shows live. It's much easier to fast forward past commercials or terrible story lines, yeah I'm looking at you Buatista and La Guerta. However, my wife does watch live television while she's working at night and this is where we run into a problem. Just as it had with the Project Runway finale, I happened to be walking through the bedroom at the exact moment they announced the winner for Next Iron Chef. Unfortunately for me, I was just starting the show and still a good 50 minutes behind. Yeah that's right, two shows, two finales and two huge fails on my part. The only consolation was that I had lost a little interest in the Next Iron Chef a couple weeks ago when Bryan Caswell was eliminated. At least my mistake with finding out the ending wasn't nearly as big as Iron Chef cutting Caswell.

5. Thursday Night Football - I want to go on record as not being a fan of a weekly Thursday night game. I'm all for the occasional game and Thanksgiving games but a weekly game unnecesarialy mucks up my Thursday night viewing. One college game mixed with my normal Thursday night television is plenty. On top of that, the announcing team for the NFL network is left of terrible. Bob Papa is fine as a play by play guy but the rest of the team isn't doing him any favors. Didn't we kill Joe Theismann off a few years ago when Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? For the life of me I can't remember anyone clamoring to have him back on their TV. The best thing I can say for Matt Millen is that he's a better television analyst than he was a GM but then again he did GM a team to a 0-16 record.