Friday Night Lights Series Review w/ Guest Blogger Tony Prock

The Tim Riggins mantra "Texas Forever" fits guest blogger Tony Prock to a T. As a displaced Texan in California and Hawaii these days, Tony's heart and soul never stray from the Lone Star State. I'm sure the story of small town Texas football made Tony both look back fondly on youth and long for home. Friday Night Lights is the perfect remedy for a guy stuck out in the land of wine, cheese and poi. Tony writes a great blog at Pigskin n' Politics and you can follow Tony on twitter at @Tony_Five_O



How would you rank the 5 seasons of Friday Night Lights?

1, 3, 4, 5, 2

Season 1: Simply the best. As soon as Street got hurt, you knew...and I mean, KNEW that Riggs and Lyla were going to hook up. The entire rehab of Street was so spot on. He had to give hope to countless paraplegics who saw the show. Similar to "Remember the Titans (will watch it anytime, anywhere), his re-channeled energy to excel at wheelchair rugby is infectious. His departure requires Matt Saracen to take on the role of QB1. Saracen's awkwardness is so realistic it is compelling. Zach Gilford offers up some of the very best and appropriate acting of the entire cast. This season is just chock full of real life incidents (Buddy Garrity's infidelity, Rigg's alcoholism, Tyra's broken home, Lyla's forced independence) which captivate the viewer and pull you in. You want to be a part of Dillon, TX. They make you long for their simple lives, which offer all of the complexities of the lives of our own.

Season 3: This season could be known at the power struggle season. There is a QB power struggle between Saracen and JD McCoy, the young 5 star prospect. There is a coaching power struggle between Coach Taylor and Coach Aikman, fostered and fueled by Joe McCoy, the typical wealthy "I get what I want" overbearing father. These issues are presented in real life format, as all of us have to deal with political pressures. The controversy and power struggle takes center stage between Coach Taylor and Tami as the boosters, led by Buddy Garrity, are looking to install a "Jumbo-tron" at the school's football stadium. Tami, who is now principal of the school, wants to allocate the funds for what she deems as more appropriate academic issues. This causes strife between their professional and personal lives. What I love about this season is how the writers planted the seeds for the show to turn in its direction. Because the Panthers did not win the state title the year prior, there are seeds of doubt surrounding the capability of Coach Taylor, and his replacement with Coach Aikman is all but a foregone conclusion. You can see Tami's unhappiness with losing in her bid to utilize the funds in a more appropriate manner. Changes are on the horizon and all but a guarantee.

Season 4: The new characters introduced this season bring a very real persona to the screen. Vince Howard and Luke Cafferty energize a team which starts the season quite slow and seemingly crappy at football. Coach Taylor is facing a polar opposite in East Dillon. No budget, no facilities, no fan-base, and a no-talent football team aside from Howard. In a typical storyline, the writers use football to turn Howard's life around and Coach Taylor is a paramount influence in this capacity. Let's jump back to Cafferty for a moment. The brilliance here of Cafferty being exposed as the player who is using a fake address (perpetrated by the Dillon Panthers, not Cafferty) to attend Dillon is used not to undermine Dillon or the Cafferty family. No, it is used to show the true allegiance of Buddy Garrity. It is Garrity who, in the end, realized his true colors were aligned with Coach Taylor, not the Dillon Panthers, as they appeared to be all along. I cannot stress enough how impacting this element was to this season. With Cafferty officially zoned to go to East Dillon, the Lions now have their one-two punch to thwart the Dillon Panthers playoff hopes, and that is exactly what they do. The one aspect of this season I wish would not have occurred is the prison sentence of Tim Riggins. You knew all along it was going to happen. He and his brother, Billy, running a chop shop out of their auto repair shop, was destined for a messy ending. The season ending with Riggs being led away to jail left a sour taste in my mouth. I suppose it was bound to happen, but it was very cliche to say the least.

Season 5: The season where everyone gets what they want. Don't get me wrong, I loved this season. It could have easily been my second favorite to Season one. But, let's get real for one second: Tami wins out over Coach Taylor and his five year contract to coach the "Super Team," which will be the one created from the merging of the best players from the now defunct East Dillon Lions with those already in place at Dillon. But, put this aside for now and the subsequent college offers which would be waiting for Coach Taylor as this contract played out. Just how did she get selected to go to Pennsylvania in the first place? Let me get this straight: A counselor to principal back to counselor lands a gig as a Dean at a university in the northeast? Come on. No really. Come on. That just would not happen. Sorry, I digress. So, Tami gets her way for the first time in a long time when it comes to the professional careers of the Taylor family. Julie ends up with Matt in Chicago but we cannot tell if they are married. Quick side note: Coach Taylor's stares are legendary. One Matt Saracen asking Coach Taylor for his daughter's hand in marriage (after he proposed no less) produces one of the greatest GTFO stare moments in the history of this show. You would think Saracen told Coach that he and Jules were expecting based on his stoic reaction. Continuing on: Riggs gets his plot of land and is building his dream home in Texas (forever). The Lions won the state championship based on the ring on the finger of Vince Howard. I have to ask here, what happened to JD McCoy? Wouldn't he be challenging Howard for QB1 at this juncture? Anyhow, that is a minor complaint. I would have appreciated an update from Smash Williams, Jason Street, and Lyla Garrity to close out the series. These characters participating once again at this juncture would have made this finale that much better. I am sure Hollywood politics prevented this from happening to a certain extent. Whatever. In the world of @tony_five_o, I would have appreciated closure here. That being said, I would be thrilled at a movie picking up with Coach Taylor yelling at his latest gaggle of misfits on that Pennsylvania field. Ahhh, who am I kidding. Pennsylvania forever? Nope, just doesn't sound right.

Season 2: My least favorite simply due to the writers going down a very worn path from previous shows. The stalker/rapist of Tyra and subsequent manslaughter "heroism" of Landry Clark seemed quite Melrose Place-ish, as did many of the other elements this season. One of my biggest complaints from this season is the writers and how they make fun of Christianity. As if Lyla going through all of the pitfalls in Season 1 would not provide a platform and possible catapult from some personal soul searching, it is compounded by the typical negative Hollywood slant on the situation. She is deemed weird for doing so and I find that offensive. We are talking about a small Texas town, the epitome of a Christian stronghold. This is typical Hollywood and it is getting old. Christians are not the problem, writer dolts. Your intolerance, however, is. And if one is offended by my politics in this review, take it up with the writers as they opened the door. Moreover, Lyla would not be ostracized over this, but more than likely heralded in some fashion. Ever notice in these shows that no other religion is ridiculed? All of this being said, man can she sport a pair of William Rast jeans. You are welcome J. Timberlake.




Did you think Friday Night Lights made the correct decision by bringing in new cast members after graduating their first group? Were they successful in this transition?

I loved the fact that they brought in new cast members. I felt the transition was cool...especially after season 3.


What’s one story line you wish the show would have focused more on?

I wished they could have kept the viewer in the loop on the professional career of Jason Street.


What’s one story line you wished the show would have spent less on or left out altogether?

The murder of the stalker/attacker of Tyra


Who was your favorite character not named Eric or Tami Taylor?

Once we get past the hottie factor of Lyla Garrity and Tyra Colette, I'd go with Matt Saracen. The character is played spot on and developed brilliantly over the course of the series. Everything he dealt with from his dad to his dementia suffering grandma seemed quite realistic. A close second is Riggs, Buddy Garrity, and Landry Clark. Each portrayed brilliantly. Coach Taylor made me wish I was a football coach. That is how good Kyle Chandler was at his job.


Did you have any pet peeves when it came to the show?

My only pet peeve was all of these kids, aside from the McCoy's and the Garrity's (pre divorce), seemed quite poor...yet they all sported designer denim...from Diesel to William Rast. Just a curious observation of possibly failing to keep it as real as possible.

Enemies of the Republic

In case you missed it college football had their biggest non game day of the year on Wednesday with National Letter of Intent Signing Day. As per usual names like Alabama, Texas, USC, Florida St. and LSU were all at the top of the recruiting services rankings. Just as predictable is the fact that a ton of kids from the state of Texas were signed to play at schools from coast to coast. Texas along with Florida and California routinely produces the more NCAA talent than the rest of the nation.

Personally, I think all these kids should want to play for the Horns in Austin but I can understand if the depth of the talent pool scares some of them away to other schools. What I can't understand is why any athlete would want to commit a traitorous act like leaving the state to play at a school like Oklahoma, LSU or Miami. OK maybe you're misguided and you don't want to attend school at the 40 acres, well there's plenty of other schools to choose from in The Republic of Texas.

If for whatever reason Austin isn't your kind of town, I've got a few suggestions for you. My first recommendation would be to go play for Kevin Sumlin at UH. I've got no affiliation with UH outside of the 3 days I attended classes before it sprinkled and I had to wade through waist deep water to get to class. I decided then the Coogs weren't for me. That was a long time ago and I'm sure they've fixed the drainage on campus by now. Plus I've got a man crush on Sumlin. If I wasn't a fig fat guy without an inkling of athletic talent, that's the guy I would want to play for.

Maybe, Houston's too big a city for your country sensibilities. Why not give Tech a shot? Tubberville seems like a damn fine coach and I'm sure he brought the student athlete stipend system with him over from the SEC.

Perhaps you really love animals and girls with camel toes, coach Sherman has got you covered.

Hate booze and sex? Baylor's there for ya.

Got a 12th level Fighter/Mage you can't bear to part with? Rice.

Want to spend your nights in the company of Ed Hardy wearing douche bags? SMU or TCU puts you right in the heart of DFW.

What I'm trying to say is Texas has a place for everyone. I can only think of two reasons why any player should leave to play outside the state. 1) No other school in the state recruits you 2) Your last name is O'Reilly and your dad is going to die from melancholy if you don't play for the Irish.

Davey Crockett did give his life at the Alamo to give you the opportunity to help the Pelini brothers win the Big 10. Be honorable. Be true. Be loyal to the Republic of Texas.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/20/10

Top 5

1. Juliann Faucette - I was fortunate enough to catch the UT women's final four volleyball match vs. Penn St. this weekend. These two teams met in the finals last year in one the best match ups I've ever seen in any sport. Penn St needed a furious comeback to thwart the Lady Horns championship dreams. Once again Penn St. upended the Horns, eliminating them from the tournament. However, the Lady Horns pitched a shutout in the looks department led by their ace Juliann Faucette. Beyond being the best looking player on the court, she was also their best player.  Did I tweet that I'd have her babies during the game? And did I mean it? Yes and Yes. Juliann (yes we're on a first name basis following this weekend) was extra special hot on the court. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her on the beach volleyball circuit soon and perhaps in the 2010 Olympics.

2. Mike Vick - That guy may have killed a bunch of dogs but man can he play football. He put the Giants on the rape stand and choked those bitches out yesterday. Or did they do that to themselves? Either way the Eagles pulled another one out of their asses and Vick had a couple spectacular runs in the fourth quarter.  However, neither of the Vick runs were as remarkable and improbable as DeSean Jackson's punt return for a touchdown on the game's final play. If I were Matt Dodge, I would have gone to the Eagles locker room to avoid facing Tom Coughlin. This is a guy who fines you for being late to a meeting if you're not there 5 minutes early. What do you think he does to guys who kick the ball to the games most dangerous return man, when he has specifically told you to kick it out of bounds. I guess is Matt Dodge will soon find himself a lying next to Jimmy Hoffa on the old Meadowlands site.

Wow. That really happened

3. Rockets Fans - I initially put this in the bottom 5 when the news of Yao Ming's stress fracture was announced. Then I realized this was actually a good thing for the Rockets and their fans. The Rockets can finally leave the Yao/McGrady era behind them and build for the future. Morey has been kind of hamstrung because of having to build a team around "stars" he couldn't count on being on the court. As Rockets fans we may need to come to terms with the the fact that this season isn't going to be successful but I still believe in Daryl Morey's ability to build a team and like every other sport it's better to be really bad or really good than it is to be average or just below average. Being really bad gives you a chance to improve through the draft. Of course this year's draft class may be the weakest in decades. The Rockets will probably be major players on the trade front as well, although maybe not a much as they would like to be with impending labor trouble on the horizon. If the team is willing to admit the days of waiting for Yao to comeback are over then I'm willing to be patient while they put together something new.

4. IFC - IFC is quickly becoming one of my favorite channels. This past summer they began running the entire Freaks & Geeks series on Friday nights. They followed that up with Judd Apatow's other series, Undeclared. Their original series starring David Cross and Will Arnett, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret was outstanding. Oh did I happen to mention they also show reruns of Mr. Show and Arrested Development. Now in preparation for carrying reruns of The Larry Sanders Show in the spring they are having a Larry Sanders marathon all day January 1. Lucky for us the idiots that run college football have made sure there is nothing else compelling on that day so we can all sit back and enjoy some Larry, Artie and Hank Kingsley. Hey Now.

5. Me - I had a great birthday on Sunday. My gift from my daughter was a promise not to whine all day and unbelievably she actually delivered. My talented wife redesigned this blog and created a logo for me. I had the best pancakes in Houston at Harris County Smokehouse. Beyond going to eat I'm not sure I moved 20 steps from my recliner all day. The Texans gave me the gift of comedy. Twitter gave me the gift of a forum to make fun of those Texans. I now am 365 days away from my 40's. That's a scary number for some folks but as an unemployed father of two, it doesn't bother me at all. Regardless, turning 40 has to be better than when I turned 30 and someone thought what I really needed was to go to a Creed concert. Even though I had made it explicitly clear that Creed sucked and deserved to have their tour bus driven off a mountain side. This "friend" said I just needed to see them live to get a proper appreciation for them. They bought me a ticket and they were right. Creed sucked even more live than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for that.

Bottom 5

1. Texans Fans -Did it look like the team quit yesterday? Yeah I think so too. As bad as the team looks though, the scarier thing is that Bob McNair thinks they are on the right track. At least, that's what he's saying publicly. Maybe yesterday's performance changed his view but I doubt it. McNair has always seemed like a guy that was pushed into buying an NFL franchise. He was the richest guy in the best market to add a new NFL team and that's a good business decision. He's never struck me as either an NFL fan nor a super competitive person. He obviously allows his personal feelings to affect his decisions with the Texans. If he didn't, David Carr's option would not have been picked up when it was evident to everyone, he wasn't a starting NFL caliber quarterback. I hope, no pray that his son or someone gets in his ear and convinces him to blow this regime out. He desperately needs to bring in a veteran NFL personnel guy who has had success to completely revamp this organization. Yeah, I know I'm not telling you anything the 4 million other people in the area don't already know. Unfortunately, the only person who doesn't seem to know what needs to be done happens to be the only person who counts.

2. - Uncircumsised Houston Texans Players - I don't know if you've heard but The Tebow is starting for the Texans next opponent, the Denver Broncos and he hates foreskin. Among the many miracles The Tebow has performed, circumcising underpriviledged kids is one he likes to get his hands dirty and do manually. But there is hope. There is a group called Intact America or Sat(b)an's Army as Tebowists refer to them, that are putting up billboards and trying to unite the rest of the world against this ghastly tradition of cutting the foreskin from the penises of baby boys. There's a war coming and we'll all have to pick a side. Will you be on the side of The Tebow or will you choose the foreskin?

3. Fantasy Football - Let me start with this, Fuck You Ray Rice. You sucked all year long. You were by far the biggest bust on any of my 7 fantasy football teams. Then after 13 weeks of being a giant turd you have a game like that, 233 yards and 2 Tds. I could even handle you have a good game except because you were such a lousy pick I missed the playoffs in my main league then you explode this week to knock me out of the playoffs in another league. If you want to know how I really feel about you see Ruxin v. Gates on The League. And yes I did wish mouth cancer on you yesterday.




4. UCLA Dynasty - In case you hadn't heard, the UConn womens basketball team equaled the UCLA 88 game win streak. Except, they didn't. There is no way to intelligently compare the UCLA streak and the UConn streak. Yes, they are both winning streaks involving games played with a hoop, a ball and involving humans. And that is where the similarities stop. I'm not saying the UConn streak isn't impressive because it is. If you win 88 games in a row at anything it's impressive but just because you win three Super Bowls on Madden '11 doesn't mean you can start comparing yourself to Bill Belichick. Hell, Edwin Moses won 122 races in a row. I guess ESPN will have to get stable of goons ready to compare a women's basketball team to a hurdler as they approach that streak. Someone needs to tell Geno, no one is saying his girls don't deserve recognition but just don't disrespect those great John Wooden teams by comparing yourself and your sport to what they accomplished.

5. Tron Legacy - Wow sorry Tron maybe I was wrong. That $43 million you pulled in this weekend was a little less than the $4 trillion or so I predicted for you. Worse still it's significantly less than the $200 million it cost to make the movie. I know it's just the opening weekend but with a low buzz/marketing ratio and lukewarm reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a bit skeptical it has the traction to be called a success.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/14/10

Top 5

It's been a pretty shitty week so I'm discontinuing the top 5 this week. If I was going to have one GSP's destruction of Josh Koscheck would definitely be at the top. However, my six year old crawled in bed with us last night and then pissed the bed. So, I'm not in the mood to celebrate anything.

Bottom 5

1. Girl working the window at Chick-fil-a - This chick made the list. On my way to get my kid from school, I decided I really needed an iced tea and brownie from Chick-fil-la. Like any other time I waited in the drive thru for 15 minutes to get my order. When I took the bag it felt kind of heavy and even though my instinct told me to check it, my brain knowing what time it was told me I had no time and sped away. Plus, the girl said "here's your brownie" when she handed me the bag. Once up on the freeway I reached in to enjoy my chocolaty goodness only to find a fucking fruit bowl instead of a brownie. I'm a fat guy and us fat guys don't take kindly to someone replacing our desserts with fruit. I don't know how I'm going to get this person back yet, but I am. Maybe, give her a "stink Lincoln." If you don't know what that is it's probably because I just made it up but it involves a $5 bill and a very stinky part of my anatomy.

2. Texas Longhorns - I thought I was done writing about this crappy Longhorn season and then this weekend happened. Thanks for the cherry on my shit sundae Will. Mack Brown already had an offensive coordinator, quarterbacks coach and offensive line coach to replace and then Florida came a calling for Will Muschamp. Now Mack has to completely rebuild both his offensive and defensive staffs along with keeping a nervous recruiting class on board. My hope is that Mack heeds the lessons of his past and allows himself to step outside his comfort zone to hire the best guys for the job but I'm starting to get the feeling he may want someone he's familiar with. I would have no issue with him promoting Major Applewhite to OC. Major was OC at Rice and Alabama before returning home to Texas. From all accounts, he would be an aggressive play caller and with Muschamp now gone he looks to have the inside track to the top spot once Mack leaves. I'm not exactly excited about Mack's desire to return to a power running game. I think the college game has evolved and a more innovated style is required to attracted a higher level of player. On the defensive side, I'd like to see Randy Shannon hired as DC. Shannon had a solid track record as DC for Miami finishing 7th or better 5 out his 6 years nationally and is a top notch recruiter. He understands coaching speed and developing NFL quality players.

3. Metrodome - You're in Minneapolis right? You've had snow before right? I thought the video of the roof collapsing was shocking then I read that this was the fourth time the roof has collapsed because of snow. What? Look, I think it's time you guys upgraded. I can get you a deal on a slightly used domed stadium. Just send your guys down to Fannin here in Houston and we'll find a way to get the "8th Wonder of the World" sent your way.

4. Dexter - ***SPOILERS AHEAD*** What the fuck was that. Just terrible. The whole season had been just blah but that finale was a total crap sandwich. Oh great you got your bad guy on the table but every thing else was way too mushy Hallmark cardish. From Rita's kids asking to spend the summer with Dex to Batista giving Laguerta some anniversary gift it was all too much. At least Masuka had the decency to bring a hooker to Harrison's birthday party. Everything came a little too easy in the finale. Jordan took himself to a secluded place to be killed. There was a convenient plastic sheet up so Deb couldn't see her brother holding a bloody knife. Quinn and Dexter creating some weird unspoken truce. My hope was that Dexter would go the way of SOA and bring the show back to its basics with a dark singularly focused Dexter and redeem themselves for a mostly forgettable season. That was your mulligan Dex. Time to go back to work.

5. Ketchup Bottles - The Texans are wearing those terrible ketchup bottle uniforms tonight. As if the defense hadn't been bloodied enough now they're going to look the part too. I love the battle red jerseys. They're one of the best in the league but the red pants are hideous. I hate monochromatic unis to begin with so I was against the very idea of these uniforms but the reality of them is even worse. At least with black or blue the horribleness doesn't stand out quite as much. Please Texans, next season when you've blown out the old regime and are ready to start anew, lets go back to wearing the white pants with the red jerseys.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/22/10

Top 5


1. Orange - There are very few things that can get me behind the Aggies but Bo Pelini is one. Wow, I've written this paragraph several times now and I just can't seem to muster the proper hate. Thanks, Longhorns that's what you and your crappy play has done to me this season. Not only have you sucked the enjoyment of UT games out of me but you've also killed my personal hate machine. I'm sure I'll find my hate before we get to DKR on Thursday night though.  We're also celebrating the orange of Oklahoma St. as they try to save us from having to see OU and their lip less coach in another Big 12 title game. Go Pokes. 


2. Astros Fans - Christmas came early for Astros fans. Last week Drayton McLane announced he was putting the Astros on the market. Maybe he got tired of seeing the guys he runs out of town in the World Series, Bob Watson (Yankees), Gerry Hunsicker (Rays), Nolan Ryan (Rangers). Maybe even he finally got tired of his whole fake "who wants to be a champion" act. I know the fans have been tired of it for years now. Uncle D did do some good things though so in the spirit of Thanksgiving, thanks for the World Series appearance, thanks for the playoff runs, thanks for the great stadium, thanks for letting us celebrate Biggio's career 77 times, also thanks for Carlos Lee's contract, thanks for $9 nachos, thanks for running the Oilers out of town, thanks for Tim Purpura, thanks for taking the farm system from #1 to #30. Mostly, we'd like to thank you for waiting two years to put the team on the market because we would have hated for a local icon like Nolan Ryan to buy the team.

3. The Eagles - They're no Don Henley, Glen Frey and Joe Walsh but Mike Vick, DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy are the most exciting team in the NFL right now. I don't know if they have the defense or the football IQ on offense to win the Super Bowl but they definitely have enough to challenge in the NFC. As a Texans fan, I fully expect the Eagles to put up at least 60 points on the Texans pathetic pass defense. DeSean Jackson getting 15-20 yards of separation on Kareem Jackson isn't a possibility, it's a probability. The biggest issue I foresee is if both the Eagles and the Steelers  make it to the Super Bowl, who do you root for? The dog executioner or the sexual assaulter? As a dog owner and lover I find it very hard to root for Vick but the thought of pulling for Rapelisberger just makes my skin crawl.

4. Boardwalk Empire - Man, this weeks episode had it all. Arnold Rothstein coolly putting the Philly boys in their place. Al Capone having a moment of clarity during a bar mitzvah. Eddie really feeling it after saving Nucky's life. Van Alden hitting the sauce then hitting a very saucy Lucy. And the coup de grace was Chalky choking a bitch out after finding out he was the person responsible for the lynching of one of his men. Excellent episode.



5. Kids & Art -My wife and I like to expose our kids to as much art and culture as possible. Our daughter, Audrey loves art. She loves looking at, learning about and creating art. She's pretty good too. So last week we a had a pretty successful week when her class went on a field trip to the MFAH to see the German Impressionists and the African Ife exhibits. Then on Saturday we took Audrey and Cash to Via Colori. The Via Colori street paintings were pretty incredible and there was plenty food and activities to keep the kids happy. For a $10 donation you could get your kid a 2ft square and pastels for them to paint themselves. Audrey promptly made a mess of herself in the process of painting her square. In hindsight maybe doing that first wasn't the best idea. Ultimately, we had a great day out and didn't have to spend a lot of money to have a great time.

Audrey got a tattoo of the logo her mama created for Via Colori

 









Bottom 5

1. Bo Pelini - It did not take long for his act to grow tired did it? We get it you're intense. You wear sweatshirts and you're intense. You chomp gum and you're intense. Your brother attacks cameramen and you're intense. You bitch about refs and you're intense. Yeah, so there were some calls that went against you but superior teams find a way to get past the calls. Disciplined teams don't make those penalties in the first place. You think Saturday was bad? Wait until you're playing a night game at the Horseshoe. Listen Bo, just do us a favor stop crying, stop embarrassing your players on national television, stop letting your brother act like an a-hole and stop losing to teams from Texas. Oh never mind that last part, Dr. Tom and the Big 10 already took care of that.

2. Saturday Breakfast - As I've stated before, we go out for Saturday breakfast every week at Harris County Smokehouse. Seriously, they have the best buttermilk pancakes in town. We've got a problem though. For years I could count on them playing some sweet old cowboy music. The restaurant was always full of Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins and all those great old country songs. A few weeks ago someone decided they needed to start playing top 40 country. This is a huge problem. That music sucks and is sucking the fluff and flavor out of my pancakes. I need my weekly dose of family breakfast and I need someone with the skill and magic of HCS to make it but I can't possibly tolerate being sonically tortured for an hour during the process. Please bring back the man in black.

3. VY - Let's get this straight, I love Vince Young. I'll never forget 4th & 5. I'll never forget the best college football player I've ever seen. Unfortunately, it appears for as talented as he is, he's equally immature. There have long been rumors of his lack of work ethic and of course the infamous six on the Wonderlic test. I doubt even Mack Brown believes Vince will win two Super Bowls or come anywhere near the Hall of Fame. At 27, he's a man not a kid. Jeff Fisher is doing the right thing by not coddling him anymore. He's been pampered and told he was great enough for three lifetimes. We'll see if Bud Adams allows Jeff Fisher to give Vince the ass kicking he needs and deserves. If so, hopefully losing his job and possibly team will knock some sense into him much like being run out of Carolina did for Kerry Collins. Vince you were great and every UT fan appreciates what you did while in Austin but your act is tired and you're quickly becoming the worst kind of joke.

4. Reality Show Finales - I rarely watch any shows live. It's much easier to fast forward past commercials or terrible story lines, yeah I'm looking at you Buatista and La Guerta. However, my wife does watch live television while she's working at night and this is where we run into a problem. Just as it had with the Project Runway finale, I happened to be walking through the bedroom at the exact moment they announced the winner for Next Iron Chef. Unfortunately for me, I was just starting the show and still a good 50 minutes behind. Yeah that's right, two shows, two finales and two huge fails on my part. The only consolation was that I had lost a little interest in the Next Iron Chef a couple weeks ago when Bryan Caswell was eliminated. At least my mistake with finding out the ending wasn't nearly as big as Iron Chef cutting Caswell.

5. Thursday Night Football - I want to go on record as not being a fan of a weekly Thursday night game. I'm all for the occasional game and Thanksgiving games but a weekly game unnecesarialy mucks up my Thursday night viewing. One college game mixed with my normal Thursday night television is plenty. On top of that, the announcing team for the NFL network is left of terrible. Bob Papa is fine as a play by play guy but the rest of the team isn't doing him any favors. Didn't we kill Joe Theismann off a few years ago when Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? For the life of me I can't remember anyone clamoring to have him back on their TV. The best thing I can say for Matt Millen is that he's a better television analyst than he was a GM but then again he did GM a team to a 0-16 record.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/18/10

Top 5

1. FX - This past week's Sons of Anarchy not withstanding, no one has been on a hotter streak than FX. SOA, Terriers, Sunny and The League have all been hitting it on the screws for a solid month now. Donal Logue is one of those actors I've always liked but wished he was on better show (The Knights of Prosperity the lone exception) and it appears he's finally found it with Terriers. Following a slow two week start, both Sunny and The League are in mid season form as the funniest shows on TV. SOA is well SOA. They came out of the gate blasting and have kept it going all season. If you're not up on original FX programming then you hate entertainment.

2. Death to the BCS - If you're a college football fan or just someone who hates fat cat corruption, I can't recommend this book more. The authors Dan Wetzel, Josh Peter and Jeff Passan expose the BCS for the self serving, corrupt and borderline illegal cartel it is. The hypocrisy and obvious double talk coming from the BCS is astounding. Read this book and you'll find yourself pissed every time a new college football poll comes out.

3. Sunday Night Television - While Boardwalk Empire and Dexter continue to do their thing, Mad Men and Rubicon both wrapped up their seasons this week. Mad Men once again delivered as the best drama on television. It was a strange transition season for Don Draper. Of course he continued to plow through women like Rex Ryan through a family size bag of M&Ms but we also got to see him become more introspective and looking for more than just the next great line or lay. Peggy finally shed the little girl in a man's world act and really came into her own. By mid season she was clearly Drapers right hand and second in command of the creative department.

Rubicon had a solid if not spectacular rookie season. As long as you had the patience to let things develop, you were paid off by the writing and acting by season's end. The finale moved at a pace inconsistent with the rest of the season and was sorely lacking in Kale. The whole episode seemed to speed along trying to tie loose ends just in case they don't get a second season. I have no idea if AMC is going to bring it back but I'm all in if they do.

4. MLB Playoffs - Slow down before you start pumping your fist and waxing poetic about the beauty and pageantry of the baseball playoffs, I've watched maybe three innings total. I mean come on it's football season. I'm just so happy that since the MLB playoffs are here Joe Buck won't be fucking up any football games for 3 weeks or so. There are only two types of people who enjoy Joe Buck. People who watch a game with a score book on their lap and people who hate football.

5. Travis Rodgers Now - Travis has been on the air for a couple months now and is easily the best mid day show in the Houston market. It will take you about five minutes to realize where the best parts of the Jim Rome Show came from. Here's a hint, you can hear him from1-3 on 1560am. The truth is 1560 now has the three best sports radio shows on the air. The one anomaly is between 10-1 when some guy name Rogers Hampton laughs for three straight hours at some Rush Limbaugh impersonator. Back to Travis, unless you're one of those strange people who have a job during the day and can't listen to the radio, Travis Rodgers Now is better than anything else on the radio or television at that time. Believe me, I know.

Bottom 5

1. :01 - Maybe Nebraska should have worried less about the :01 of last year's game and more about the 60:00 of this season's. Bo Pelini had his cry baby act in full effect on Saturday so Will Muschamp and the Texas defense gave him plenty to cry about. And yes an Omaha steak taste much better when seasoned with the salty tears of a Pelini brother. The UT defense completely shut down "Heisman candidate" Taylor Martinez, to the point he was pulled from the game in the second half. Yeah, the Nebraska hopes and dreams were dashed Saturday but at least they have classy fans. You know, the classy fans that booed when Curtis Brown went down with an injury. Is Lincoln a popular retirement destination for Philly residents?

2. Women - This was a bad week for women and sports. Florida Gators head coach Urban Meyer allowed Chris "Time to Die" Rainy to rejoin the team. Coincidentally, the Gators were in the midst of a two game (now three) losing streak. Baylor's basketball coach Scott Drew has decided that punching women and breaking their jaw is no longer an egregious enough offense to keep LaceDarius Dunn off the team. Finally, The original fifteen second man Rick Pitino has decided that being 6'10" is penance enough for punching the mother of your one year old son and fracturing her spine. Wake Forest transfer Tony Woods is looking to join Louisville. Way to set an example you makers of men.

3. Texans defense - Terrible. They can't cover. They no longer can stop the run. I've got an idea. How about Bob McNair take a break from trying to break the players union. Rick Smith take a break from looking slick and trying to win every negotiation and Gary Kubiak take a break from hiring defensive coordinators without interviewing candidates and calling grown men kids. How about these guys get together and figure out how to fix this defense. Look, I know it's outside the box to make trades during the season, but aren't you doing your franchise and your fans a disservice if you don't at least call the crypt keeper to see how many souls Nnamdi Asomugha or Richard Seymour will cost. A baby soul like Amobi's has to fetch a decent price doesn't it?

4. Steve Tasker - Tasker is completely over matched being paired with Gus Johnson. In fact, Tasker is completely over matched being asked to offer analysis on football. Once you've caught his act it becomes perfectly clear that he was a special teams guy mainly because grasping an offense was well beyond his mental capacity.

5. Me - Last week I moved Nebraska up to #2. Down they go. I put Antonio Gates in the power rankings top 5. Down he goes. I put Rubicon in the power rankings top 5. Disappointing finale. Old 97's make the power rankings top 5. I can't get a ticket to the sold out show. I also lost 6 of 7 fantasy football games, stubbed my toe in the bath and had a large section of fence torn down by one of my dogs. This week's gotta be better.

Can't Trust'em

There are things in this world you just can't trust. Some of them are common sense. Some you learn from personal experience and others still are well kept secrets. Now there's no substitute for life experience when it comes to recognizing trap doors but being the generous person I am, I feel it's my duty to give you a good base of 25 people, places and things that cannot be trusted.

Never Trust...

1. a red headed quarterback.
2. a left footed kicker.
3. a skinny chef (submitted by Heath Parker. Although anyone who's eaten Jaime Zelko's food will disagree.)
4. a white yard guy.
5. anyone who likes to sit in the last row of the movie theater.
6. a man with bedazzled jean pockets.
7. anyone that doesn't like dogs. They're trying to hide something.
8. anyone you play fantasy football with.
9. a Conference USA team to pull over a 4 team parlay for you.
10. the football knowledge of a Cowboys "fan".
11. the 45 year old guy all by himself at Dave & Busters.
12. your order is correct in lane B at Whataburger.
13. a car salesman that doesn't smoke.
14. a guy who doesn't have a favorite team.
15. cat guy.
16. anyone who votes straight ticket.
17. anyone that doesn't know the difference between a Texas and Tennessee accent. Most of Hollywood.
18. anyone on television.
19. anything a kid gives you.
20. anything a teenager tells you.
21. a front runner. Yeah, I'm sure the Lakers, Yankees and Cowboys were always your favorite teams.
22. the guy that can't work a grill.
23. anyone who hasn't held a blue collar job.
24. the guy who wants to go to the mall.
25. bloggers.

OK so who else should not be trusted?

Texas vs. Rice

My wife and I got a chance to go to the Rice/UT game Saturday at Reliant Stadium thanks to a pair of swell grandparents and a friend who bought good tickets and scheduled a vacation on the same weekend. The outcome of the game was predictable but at an event like this the game itself is only part of the experience. Since this was the opening weekend of the college football season, I wanted to check out how the Longhorns transition from the spread offense they ran with VY and Colt McCoy to a pro style offense under Garrett Gilbert was going.  Of course and possibly most importantly, people watching is always on the agenda.

The Fans
I love the University of Texas. I hope one day my kids feel the same and graduate from UT. That's assuming they are still accepting WASPS then. My wife and I are football season ticket holders. Any games I can't attend in person I watch on television. However, there is a one certain element I could live without. Yeah, I'm talking about you penny loafer, popped collar, country club guy. I know, I know, you give lots of money to the university and maybe it's because if you they continue to build beautiful facilities but you're also the reason everyone hates UT. I'm sure the Aggies feel the same about their fans who drive maroon cars and have sex with animals. Just like the Sooners don't like to talk about their fans who live in trailers and cook meth.  You just learn to deal with it.

I started to feel sorry for the women at the game who were attractive but not smoking hot. There were so many smoking hot females along with so many complete train wrecks at the game, the women who fell in between just kind of got lost. Of course the first girl I saw in Rice gear had what can only be described as "leg acne." Rice shouldn't fret though, I did see three attractive Rice fans around the stadium. Still, even when you play a school like Rice that is no excuse for you, Mrs. Fiftysomething to wear a see through burn out t-shirt, inside out. Unless, you really believe it's The University of Texas SNROHGNOL. Shameful. 

The Experience
I was a Texans season ticket holder for the first four years of their existence. As a yellow lot resident, I had the previledge of walking from Main, past the practice fields, across Kirby then finally to the stadium each home game. There was a 32% chance of dying in the parking lot after a September game and taking a piss in a Reliant stadium Port-o-Johns is the ninth biggest killer in Houston. For this game, We decided to use the South Fannin park & ride and ride the rail to the stadium. This was the best decision we could have made. There was plenty of parking at the Metro lot and a short walk to the platform. We only had to wait a few minutes for the next train to arrive then the ride itself took just a couple of minutes. The walk from the Metro platform to the stadium is much shorter than from the yellow lot. Especially, if you want to go in at the North gate. When we left, we once again only had to wait a few minutes for the next train to arrive and we were able to quickly exit the Metro parking lot without having to deal with any of the stadium traffic. I encourage you all to continue using the stadium parking lots and keep the ease of the Metro lots a secret between just us.

In the eight years it's been open, I've sat all over the stadium. We had 6th row field level seats on the 20 yard line for this game. These seats are great for getting to see all the action on the sideline and for getting a sense of how fast the game really is. They were also great if you wanted to know when Bevo took a dump. About 45 seconds after said dump the wonderful cow patty aroma would engulf you. Overall, I still prefer the club level. You can see plays develop better from the club level than the field seats but because the seating at Reliant is very vertical, you're still close to the action.

It's obvious to me and it should be to Bob McNair, the reason the Texans haven't made the playoffs yet is that they serve Breyer's instead of Blue Bell ice cream at Reliant Stadium. Come on Texans. I mean you're called The Texans for God's sake. Get with the program and serve the best ice cream in all the land. 

The Team
The defense had a rough first drive especially the secondary but they settled down in the second quarter and pretty much dominated the rest of the game. That doesn't count a 47 yard brain fart with 16 seconds left in the half. I've got a huge man crush on this year's defensive line. Kheeston Randall and Sam Acho had their names called all night and even freshman Jackson Jeffcoat got into the act.

The Offense was a different story. I still don't really understand why Mack Brown feels like they need to change the offense to a more pro style system when they've had so much success running the spread option the past 5-6 years. The running game has a long way to go to even be average. Starter Cody Johnson struggled to get anything going and was completely stoned in goal line situations. Tre Newton wasn't much better but ended up scoring three goal line touchdowns. Fozzy Whitaker showed the most explosiveness but was limited to 9 carries. Maybe we've just been spoiled by Colt McCoy's crazy accuracy but Gilbert was unimpressive at best He short armed several passes and missed on a couple deep opportunities. He definitely has the arm and I was very impressed with his ability to throw while on the run but I never got the feeling he was the leader on the field.  I'm willing to be patient and give him time to develop into that leadership role but this team needs to improve in several areas before the OU, Nebraska back to backs.

I love Texas but not HEB

Recently I decided that I wanted my grocery dollars to stay in the state of Texas rather than go to a company based in Ohio like Kroger. With this in mind, I decided to give HEB a chance. Central Market down on Westheimer is a great place to shop and the few times I've been to our new HEB out here in the sticks, they seemed to have excellent selection in the produce and seafood departments. The latter being an important factor to a person on a pretty strict diet plan. The following is the GOOD and BAD of my HEB experience.

The Good

• You won't ever have to worry about finding a cart. There are about 12,000 on hand.
• Produce is the first stop upon entering. Makes sense to me.
• I don't have to use a customer card to get the lowest possible price.
• Everything I've had from their On the Go cafe has been quite good.
• Large selection of seafood and butcher items.
• Very nice cheese selection.

The Bad

•  Off the top of my head, I don't know what I pay for apples at Kroger but $14 for 10 apples seemed a bit out of whack.
• Placing the butcher and seafood counters as the second places in the store is ridiculous. Who wants to pick up their flounder fillet and carry it around in a shopping cart for an hour. Personally, I don't like giving salmonella a head start on me.
• The self weigh & label stations are a fine idea unless only a third of them are operational to speeding up the shopping experience. Plus any decent, well trained checker can ring this stuff up much faster than I can.
• Why can't I buy fresh non packaged chicken in your butcher shop? Do you mean to tell me I can buy some nice veal and a bison steak but can't buy some fresh chicken breast?
• As I made my way past the butcher and in to the main aisles, my first thought was "this place was organized by a drunk chimp." I'm sure he used a scientific customer study in making his decisions but a drunk chimp none the less.
• I'm sure if I needed one, I would appreciate the 15 shopping larks but when I'm stuck in a shopping traffic jam. Not so much.
• Bread in the middle aisle? I blame the chimp.
• So after going up and down each aisle three times I determined that HEB doesn't sell tomato paste or Melba Toast. At this point, I'm not sure whether to blame the chimp again or if this is HEB's way to telling the Brits and Italians to F@#$ Off. 
• My checker Boris was simply a delight. Remember my comment about a decent and well trained checker? He didn't meet either qualification. He was quite adept at playing grab ass with the sacker Brittany though. 
• Ah Brittany, what can I say about Brittany? Not only did she appear to not want to be there sacking groceries, she said it and then proved it. Between rounds of grab ass with Boris, Brittany liked to spend her time opening my bottles of baby shampoo, smelling them and then shoving them in Boris' face so he could smell them too. Once Boris finished ringing me up and our transaction complete, I then got to stand there a full three minutes while Brittany found the will to finish sacking my groceries. 

 The final score, I love Texas and I want to do my part to keep my local economy and that of my state growing and strong. What I don't love is an inefficient, unpleasant shopping experience and that's what I had at HEB. Looks like I'll be putting the Kroger shopping card back in wallet.