ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 4/4/11

Top 5

1. Nancy Drew - As I wrote last week, my truck was broken in to and my wife's laptop and my ipod were stolen. Since that happened, my wife has been using all there Nancy Drew and Blues Clues skills to track down the perpetrator. The afternoon of the robbery she started scouring craigslist and ebay looking for postings that looked like they could be our stuff. In the meantime we had to buy a new laptop and I wanted to get a new ipod for the car. Last week my wife sent me a posting and said she thought this was my ipod. I completely blew her off but she continued to try to get information on it. Finally she noticed it was listed as a 7th generation ipod and mine was a 6th so she gave up hope that it was mine. However, they were selling it pretty cheap so I made arrangements to buy it from the person. It turns out they lived on my side of town and meeting them was easy. The person selling the ipod arrived and I approached his car to check out the item and make sure it worked. I turned it on and immediately recognized in the cover flow a record that only me and maybe ten others in the city would own. I went to the playlists and sure enough it was my ipod. At this point I wasn't sure what to do. This guy could have easily beaten my ass in an instance. I calmly spoke to him and told him I didn't want to make a big deal out of it but this was my ipod. I repeatedly expressed to him how important it was that I get the laptop back since it had all of our business files on it. As you would expect, he feigned surprise and told me how his girlfriend had found the ipod by stepping on it in a parking lot. Yeah OK. I just continued to calmly impress upon him the importance of getting the laptop back. Then he decided to be a good soul and knock the price down to $50 for my own ipod. Thanks.

I really didn't feel safe so I told him that was fine and paid for my ipod. I expressed to him a few more times that I wanted my ipod back and even if he didn't have it, if he could tell "whoever" did have it that I wanted to get it back, I would appreciate it. We then went our separate ways. A few minutes later I got a call from him telling me he felt bad about taking my money and offered to give it back. Once again I told him I didn't care about the money, I just wanted the laptop back. Anyway, thanks to my wife's detective skills we now have the guy's phone number, address and a picture of his car and plates. Unfortunately, this was over a week ago now and the police still have returned our call. We've spoken to them a couple of times and even had a police officer friend call and try to expedite the process but still nothing. Apparently there are two police officers assigned to work all the auto theft cases in Houston. Two! I'm not blaming the officers for this but the shitty system. We have essentially done the leg work to locate everything and have been completely ignored. On Saturday, we got a notice from the bank that our account had been disabled because someone had tried the wrong password too many times. I wonder who that was? So if either of the officers working auto theft read this please give me a call. I think we can close a case for you. Until then I'm going to go out a rob a few cars myself because auto theft is Houston's version of Hamsterdam.

2. Clank - This past Monday night Clank had a very good and well publicized evening. I don't know if someone thought it would be funny to replace the Final Four rims with some of those carnival game rims but neither team playing in the championship game could hit a shot. I don't know what UConn ended up shooting but it was beaten into my head yesterday that Butler shot an impressive 18%. I lost interest in the game about four minutes into the second half and started reading with the game on in the background. I couldn't tell you how good or bad the production was but I can tell you without pause how distracting the constant barrage of shots clanking off the rim was. At one point I didn't look at the television for a stretch of about 20 minutes and when I did finally look up Butler had the same number of points as they did the last time I looked at the score. It was just a pathetic performance by both teams. It reminded me of the Presidential elections of the last decade. No one deserved to win but they've got to give it to someone, so congrats UConn.

3. The Killing - A handful of new cable shows premiered this week including The Borgias, Camelot and The killing. Of the three new shows, The Killing looked to have something special. @heydannyv commented on Barry's review how much the cinematography, directing and use of music reminded him of Rubicon. I completely agree with that assessment. The previews gave me flashbacks to Twin Peaks but the reality is Twin Peaks was set in a completely different world where the supernatural and paranormal activity weren't out of the norm. The Killing looks to be an extremely well made murder mystery. 

4. Friday Night Lights Season 5 - FNL comes out on DVD today. We here at ApeDonkey have dedicate a ton of time to praising the series, season and actors of this outstanding show. One thing that hasn't been discussed enough it how stupid NBC is. NBC was set to cancel the series after the second season. Instead Direct TV stepped in to pick up some of the production cost and to broadcast the series on their channel 101 six months ahead of NBC's broadcast. This agreement has allowed me to see the entire series without ever watching a single episode on NBC. I was a late comer to FNL, becoming a fan during its season 3 run, so I saw the first two seasons on Netflix then watched the rest through uploaded episodes on the Internet. Anyway, like I said season 5 comes out today on DVD. If you have Direct TV you could have already watched season 5 on The 101 but NBC still won't be start showing it for another couple weeks. Genius. I'm a bit surprised they didn't cancel Community and Parks & Rec while they were making these brilliant programming decisions.

5. It was a tough week so just pour a little out for #5 this week.

Bottom 5

1. My Wallet - A couple weeks ago my six year old vomited in my Prius. Now I cleaned it up the puke but there's still that lingering barf smell in the car. I need to get it detailed to see if they can freshen it up. In the mean time I've been driving my truck instead. Nothing shocks the wallet quite like going from a car that gets 50mpg to a truck getting 15mpg. Especially when gas is nearly $4/gal. Since I've been driving the truck I've been going through $20-$30 of gas a day. That would last me at least a week in the Prius. If nothing else this week has reminded me why my 2+ yr old truck has less than 15k miles on it.

2. Catholicism - I'm not catholic, in truth I'm about as WASPY as a person can get. However, I did graduate from a catholic university and had to take catholic studies courses as part of the curriculum. So I do know a little something about Catholicism. I find the history of Catholicism fascinating and I tried to convince my wife to let me name our son John Paul so I could call him Pope. That idea didn't fly but I had to try. I do have quite a few friends and people I respect who are catholic. I don't know how they are going to feel about The Borgias but I can't imagine The Vatican being very big fans of the show.

The new Showtime series is based on the 15th century Papal family that was rife with controversy and scandal. In the series Pope Alexander VI has several kids with one of his mistresses. His son who he appoints as a Cardinal is uncomfortably interested in his 14 year old sister. One of his other sons is the head of the Papal army and may as well be based on Uday Hussein. I thought the first two episodes were pretty good but not great. Jeremy Irons as the Pope is his normal terrific self and the show's stand out has been Fancois Arnaud as Cesare Borgia.

The catholic church has a long rich history filled with both incredibly charitable and despicable act. This story happens to be one of the dark times in the Vatican. Showtime has proven they can produce an excellent series and this one has all the elements to be their next one I just wonder how well it will be received by the followers of the worlds largest religion.

3. Toyota Service - I've only had to take my Prius in to the dealer twice for service. Once was for a recall on the brakes and the second time was to have the back seat belts replaced. Both times the service department at Joe Myers Toyota has sucked giant balls. When I bought they car I was given two free oil changes. I used the first free oil change when I had the brakes fixed. At that time the guy told me to skip a few changes before I used the second one because I couldn't use them within a certain amount of time of each other. What? OK. So I tried to use the second one this last time. The guy before never said anything about having to use them before 36k miles. Fucking Dickhead. On top of that the shit heads didn't wash my car like they're supposed. I'm almost glad my car is now out of warranty because I won't be tempted to take it to the retarded monkeys at the dealership. I have a place down the road that does good work and I trust them. For the first time in my life I'm actually looking forward to doing one of those service surveys for a dealership.

4. Brandon Lyon - This is where I was going to talk about Brandon Lyon blowing a 4-2 lead to the Phillies on opening day but the Astros have much bigger issues than Lyon and he's only had one save opportunity so far this season. The Astros are going to suck all season. The best gambling decision I've made this year is not betting the over on the Astros win total. I think they'll compete for the worst record in the majors this year. Thank God for fantasy baseball to make other games interesting to me.

5. Kavorka - I'm not a particularly handsome guy. I probably trend somewhere in the middle of the looks scale but for whatever reason women in the service industry just dig me. I'm a happily married man and don't invite this kind of attention at all. In fact, nearly everything I do should deflect it. I shave maybe once every other month or so. I sustain myself on donuts so that I'm as fat as I can possibly be. I rate closer to the Unabomber on the anti social scale than most. In person, aloof is the best I can do. Mean and flat out ignoring people is more of the norm though. I've adopted a French sensibility to hygiene. Yet, these women and some men still want me. I thought this curse had left me when I moved out to the burbs but then one of the women at the local McDonald's started giving me that extra little smile and wanting look. A few weeks ago though she turned on me and now has started a strict regime of giving me the cold shoulder. I figured out her issue the other day. She finally gave up on me leaving the wife and kids and got engaged to what I assume was at best her second choice. Sorry but I've got a good thing here at home. Now I'm getting those same uncomfortable looks and the eyes undressing me from the girl who delivers pizza. I've tried to tell my wife not to send me to pick up the pizza by myself. You never know when the Kavorka is going to send this poor woman over the edge with desire. My wife seems to be willing to take the chance of my shirt being ripped off but I have to admit I'm a little frightened every time we order pizza.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 3/22/11

Top 5

1. Statutory Rape - Is anything hotter right now that statutory rape? Hank Moody was just convicted of statutory rape on Californication. Bill on Big Love faced the same charge before meeting his fate and now this week on Shameless Frank was essentially raped by a minor. In real life LT just got 6 years probation for sleeping with a 16 year old. And let's not forget the king of all statutory rape Roman Polanski. I'm telling you, statutory rape is white hot right now.


2. Jason Isbell - I finally was able to see Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit live this past weekend at Sam's Burger Joint in San Antonio. It was my first chance to catch him live since he left the Drive-By Truckers. Having now seen both Isbell and DBT since the split, I have to say that I think DBT miss Jason more than he misses them. DBT is still a great band and continues to produce terrific albums but they lost a key piece when Jason left. An outsiders perspective is that Patterson writes songs from his brain. Cooley writes from that old rock 'n roll staple the crotch. Jason's music seems to come from his hearth and soul though. He writes beautiful songs about life in the south, family and soul felt love songs.



The 400 Unit is an extremely tight band and Isbell has developed great chemistry with guitarist Browan Lollar. They traded licks and lead duties like partners of 20 years. The band ran through all of Isbell's best with the DBTs even kicking the show off with "Never Gonna Change" and mixing in the Jimi Hendrix classic "Stone Free" in the middle of the song. They didn't have a particularly long set because this was the third of three shows for them that day. Isbell and the band had played two shows at SXSW earlier in the day before heading over to play a nightcap in San Antonio. Even with the shortened show they hit on every song I was hoping for except for "Brand New Kind of Actress." They did a cover The Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer" with Lollar on vocals that rivaled the original. By the end of the show Isbell's throat was obviously trashed. He was having to use a throat spray between songs to keep going. Afterwards the guys stuck around to have drinks and mingle with fans. Great performers and terrific guys all around. I'm hoping Cactus Music can set up an in store performance when they come to Houston for Summerfest in June. You can bet the mortgage I'll be there.

3. Alamo Heights - Man these are my kind of people. They're old, grumpy as hell and have absolutely no patience for anyone. While I was in San Antonio last week, I found myself in this area on several occasions. On one occasion we stopped in Central Market to get a birthday cake for my son. In a normal supermarket situation people will say "excuse me" or something like that when they try to get by you, not these fossils. These old coots will just mow right through you and if they happen to take out one of your toes, well then that's your problem. Damned is the checker who doesn't get someone to the register for a carry out quick enough. Granny in her animal print shawl and heavy jewelry is about to drop some not so nice knowledge on your ass.

The middle aged residents are just as mean but fuck them. They haven't earned their right to let shit fly. I needed to take a different exit out of the parking lot so I decided to go down a one way because it was the only way for me to get where I needed. Just as I was turning out the one way a woman in her chromed out Escalade wanted to turn in and had to back up literally four feet for me to turn. Well holy shit! You would have thought she had to push her car out of the way. She threw it into reverse hammered the accelerator and jammed it back into drive. As I was driving past she rolled down her window to scream at me and call me a moron. Now I can't argue with someone calling me a moron because much of the time that's a good assessment. However, I happened to be in the car with my mother in law and kids and I've tried to shield my offspring from my moronic tendencies. My first instinct was to roll down my window and tell the bitch to go die in a grease fire (a favorite picked up from legendary red ass Stump). But since I didn't want to lose it in front of the kids and mother in law I let is slide.

4. Burnout Pete - I made a new friend at Sam's Burger Joint waiting for the Jason Isbell show to start. We never exchanged names but I've come to call him Burnout Pete. We talked for at least an hour about bands past and present. He's one of those guys who goes to five shows a week and since he lives in the hill country, he hits shows in Austin, San Antonio and Gruene. A conversation with Burnout Pete is kind of like what you'd expect talking to Tommy Chong is like. During our time together he called me "man" no less than 300 times. He still pumped about a Robin Trower show he'd recently been to and said Trower's show was as good now as it was when he saw him in '73. His wife was the spitting image of a blond hippie Angelica Huston. I tried to turn him on to using IConcerCal for keeping up with shows through iTunes but as soon as I said something I realized he probably had a vinyl music library and not a digital one. I hope I run in to Pete again sometime. That guy was cool and fun to talk to plus we still have some unresolved disagreements about The Band.

5. Kid Prophets - I've got nothing for number 5 so I'm going to leave you with my favorite quote by my 6 year old daughter from our trip to San Antonio. On our way to Kiddie Park which is as terrible as it sounds, read below, my kid drops this nugget on us "I'm gonna die on the horizon."


Bottom 5

1. Spring Break - I did a little research to find out who invented spring break. I needed someone to blame. Someone I could heap all my resentment and hatred upon year after year. Unfortunately, the idea isn't attributed to any one person so I have to blame the farmers and Easter for this week of Hell. At least according to wikipedia and google that's who I should blame.  I've learned to deal with summer break. I start getting my mind ready in May. I play loops of screeching noises and loud screaming for a few weeks prior to the end of the school year and I'm set. Spring break always seems to sneak up on me though. And because it's one week of unexpected freedom the kids try to get out all of their horribleness in one nuclear blast of annoyingness. So how bad was this year? Let me see if this gives you any idea. By 10am on Monday morning, one kid have vomited chocolate milk all over my bedroom. While the other kid was in the throws of a monstrous fit because she was bored. It was only two hours in to spring break and she was already bored. If you think your week can possibly go well after a beginning like that then you're wrong.

2. On Court Stupidity - I'm getting the power rankings out so late this week the happenings in the NCAA basketball tournament are a bit out dated but the stupid fouls and plays in the Butler/Pitt and Texas/Arizona games are the things of legend. When Pitt was on the line to what seemed like steal victory from Butler I was writing a tweet that the boneheads on Pitt weren't above doing something stupid like fouling Butler right back. And before I could even hit send, they did it. Why would you even care about that rebound? There wasn't enough time to make any reasonable shot so at worst you were headed to overtime. Then my Longhorns decided they didn't want to be left out of the dumbass conversation. With 12 seconds left, the ball and a 2 point lead Jordan Hamilton called a timeout. The only option Arizona had at that point was to foul Hamilton but he let them off the hook and called a timeout. Hamilton is a good ball handler, a premier scorer and a 78% free throw shooter. Now it seems like he may have been coached to call a timeout and if so then the onus falls on Rick Barnes for blowing that game.

3. Big Love - I said my piece about the Big Love finale in a blog post earlier this week but they still make the bottom 5 for what was a very disappointing finale. So many great characters and story lines created through the years were thrown away with a thud. I've tried to rationalize the way the series ended over the past few days and I still can't find an excuse that makes it the correct ending. Sad way to close an excellent show.


4. Third World Cities - One of the best things about living in Texas is that we can visit third world cities without having to actually go to a third world country.  Like I've already said, We visited family in San Antonio this past week and it's always a culture shock when we go. Everyone appears to be 10-15 years older than their actual age. Even if you don't take in the arts and museums of Houston, there's a level of sophistication and culture that is absent in San Antonio. If your kid happens to get sick while you're there like mine did, you're better off visiting a witch doctor or just taking them out back and giving them the old lame horse treatment than going to a clinic. They claim to have degrees but judging from their analysis and advice I'd rather trust my kid's health to a can of Dr. Pepper than these fruit cakes.

Even though I said I would never go to Kiddie Park again I found myself there on Thursday and they've found a way to up the horribleness by adding road construction to the equation to go along with the crack houses and throngs of pedders. If you didn't read my last review of this place let me reset what this is. Kiddie Park is a San Antonio "institution." Which means it's really old and run down. On our way there my kid asked me if we were close and I told her when she could smell hepatitis and tetanus then she'd know we were close. The only I allowed myself to touch while I was there were the antibacterial dispenser. I'm assuming my 2 year old isn't long for this world since I caught him licking the glass of one of the tchotchke dispensers. It cost ~$11 per kid to go and my 2 year old refused to ride anything so I actually paid them to give him a disease and nothing else. Luckily, the older kid will be too old to ride anything there the next time we come to town so hopefully my days in Hell are done.

5. Longhorn Fans - I went over the dumb time out by Jordan Hamilton at the end of the Arizona game but that's probably not the reason my fellow Longhorn fans gave for the loss. You probably heard about the short 5 second count. It was a short count and the way the ref responded to questions about it makes me hope he's never allowed to ref another NCAA game. And you've probably heard about the uncalled foul after J. Brown's missed final shot. I can't say there wasn't a foul. However, these aren't the reasons the Longhorns lost. All of these "judgement" calls would have been moot if that timeout isn't called and Hamilton doesn't miss both free throws. Or how about the Longhorns put together two good halves of basketball instead of digging themselves such a deep hole they were forced to play mistake free in the second half. Longhorn fans need to let the phantom and missed calls go. Even if the ref came out today and admitted his mistakes, they aren't putting anymore time back on the clock. The Horns are going to have another top 5-10 team again next season and maybe this time they won't implode down the stretch.