ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 3/22/11

Top 5

1. Statutory Rape - Is anything hotter right now that statutory rape? Hank Moody was just convicted of statutory rape on Californication. Bill on Big Love faced the same charge before meeting his fate and now this week on Shameless Frank was essentially raped by a minor. In real life LT just got 6 years probation for sleeping with a 16 year old. And let's not forget the king of all statutory rape Roman Polanski. I'm telling you, statutory rape is white hot right now.


2. Jason Isbell - I finally was able to see Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit live this past weekend at Sam's Burger Joint in San Antonio. It was my first chance to catch him live since he left the Drive-By Truckers. Having now seen both Isbell and DBT since the split, I have to say that I think DBT miss Jason more than he misses them. DBT is still a great band and continues to produce terrific albums but they lost a key piece when Jason left. An outsiders perspective is that Patterson writes songs from his brain. Cooley writes from that old rock 'n roll staple the crotch. Jason's music seems to come from his hearth and soul though. He writes beautiful songs about life in the south, family and soul felt love songs.



The 400 Unit is an extremely tight band and Isbell has developed great chemistry with guitarist Browan Lollar. They traded licks and lead duties like partners of 20 years. The band ran through all of Isbell's best with the DBTs even kicking the show off with "Never Gonna Change" and mixing in the Jimi Hendrix classic "Stone Free" in the middle of the song. They didn't have a particularly long set because this was the third of three shows for them that day. Isbell and the band had played two shows at SXSW earlier in the day before heading over to play a nightcap in San Antonio. Even with the shortened show they hit on every song I was hoping for except for "Brand New Kind of Actress." They did a cover The Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer" with Lollar on vocals that rivaled the original. By the end of the show Isbell's throat was obviously trashed. He was having to use a throat spray between songs to keep going. Afterwards the guys stuck around to have drinks and mingle with fans. Great performers and terrific guys all around. I'm hoping Cactus Music can set up an in store performance when they come to Houston for Summerfest in June. You can bet the mortgage I'll be there.

3. Alamo Heights - Man these are my kind of people. They're old, grumpy as hell and have absolutely no patience for anyone. While I was in San Antonio last week, I found myself in this area on several occasions. On one occasion we stopped in Central Market to get a birthday cake for my son. In a normal supermarket situation people will say "excuse me" or something like that when they try to get by you, not these fossils. These old coots will just mow right through you and if they happen to take out one of your toes, well then that's your problem. Damned is the checker who doesn't get someone to the register for a carry out quick enough. Granny in her animal print shawl and heavy jewelry is about to drop some not so nice knowledge on your ass.

The middle aged residents are just as mean but fuck them. They haven't earned their right to let shit fly. I needed to take a different exit out of the parking lot so I decided to go down a one way because it was the only way for me to get where I needed. Just as I was turning out the one way a woman in her chromed out Escalade wanted to turn in and had to back up literally four feet for me to turn. Well holy shit! You would have thought she had to push her car out of the way. She threw it into reverse hammered the accelerator and jammed it back into drive. As I was driving past she rolled down her window to scream at me and call me a moron. Now I can't argue with someone calling me a moron because much of the time that's a good assessment. However, I happened to be in the car with my mother in law and kids and I've tried to shield my offspring from my moronic tendencies. My first instinct was to roll down my window and tell the bitch to go die in a grease fire (a favorite picked up from legendary red ass Stump). But since I didn't want to lose it in front of the kids and mother in law I let is slide.

4. Burnout Pete - I made a new friend at Sam's Burger Joint waiting for the Jason Isbell show to start. We never exchanged names but I've come to call him Burnout Pete. We talked for at least an hour about bands past and present. He's one of those guys who goes to five shows a week and since he lives in the hill country, he hits shows in Austin, San Antonio and Gruene. A conversation with Burnout Pete is kind of like what you'd expect talking to Tommy Chong is like. During our time together he called me "man" no less than 300 times. He still pumped about a Robin Trower show he'd recently been to and said Trower's show was as good now as it was when he saw him in '73. His wife was the spitting image of a blond hippie Angelica Huston. I tried to turn him on to using IConcerCal for keeping up with shows through iTunes but as soon as I said something I realized he probably had a vinyl music library and not a digital one. I hope I run in to Pete again sometime. That guy was cool and fun to talk to plus we still have some unresolved disagreements about The Band.

5. Kid Prophets - I've got nothing for number 5 so I'm going to leave you with my favorite quote by my 6 year old daughter from our trip to San Antonio. On our way to Kiddie Park which is as terrible as it sounds, read below, my kid drops this nugget on us "I'm gonna die on the horizon."


Bottom 5

1. Spring Break - I did a little research to find out who invented spring break. I needed someone to blame. Someone I could heap all my resentment and hatred upon year after year. Unfortunately, the idea isn't attributed to any one person so I have to blame the farmers and Easter for this week of Hell. At least according to wikipedia and google that's who I should blame.  I've learned to deal with summer break. I start getting my mind ready in May. I play loops of screeching noises and loud screaming for a few weeks prior to the end of the school year and I'm set. Spring break always seems to sneak up on me though. And because it's one week of unexpected freedom the kids try to get out all of their horribleness in one nuclear blast of annoyingness. So how bad was this year? Let me see if this gives you any idea. By 10am on Monday morning, one kid have vomited chocolate milk all over my bedroom. While the other kid was in the throws of a monstrous fit because she was bored. It was only two hours in to spring break and she was already bored. If you think your week can possibly go well after a beginning like that then you're wrong.

2. On Court Stupidity - I'm getting the power rankings out so late this week the happenings in the NCAA basketball tournament are a bit out dated but the stupid fouls and plays in the Butler/Pitt and Texas/Arizona games are the things of legend. When Pitt was on the line to what seemed like steal victory from Butler I was writing a tweet that the boneheads on Pitt weren't above doing something stupid like fouling Butler right back. And before I could even hit send, they did it. Why would you even care about that rebound? There wasn't enough time to make any reasonable shot so at worst you were headed to overtime. Then my Longhorns decided they didn't want to be left out of the dumbass conversation. With 12 seconds left, the ball and a 2 point lead Jordan Hamilton called a timeout. The only option Arizona had at that point was to foul Hamilton but he let them off the hook and called a timeout. Hamilton is a good ball handler, a premier scorer and a 78% free throw shooter. Now it seems like he may have been coached to call a timeout and if so then the onus falls on Rick Barnes for blowing that game.

3. Big Love - I said my piece about the Big Love finale in a blog post earlier this week but they still make the bottom 5 for what was a very disappointing finale. So many great characters and story lines created through the years were thrown away with a thud. I've tried to rationalize the way the series ended over the past few days and I still can't find an excuse that makes it the correct ending. Sad way to close an excellent show.


4. Third World Cities - One of the best things about living in Texas is that we can visit third world cities without having to actually go to a third world country.  Like I've already said, We visited family in San Antonio this past week and it's always a culture shock when we go. Everyone appears to be 10-15 years older than their actual age. Even if you don't take in the arts and museums of Houston, there's a level of sophistication and culture that is absent in San Antonio. If your kid happens to get sick while you're there like mine did, you're better off visiting a witch doctor or just taking them out back and giving them the old lame horse treatment than going to a clinic. They claim to have degrees but judging from their analysis and advice I'd rather trust my kid's health to a can of Dr. Pepper than these fruit cakes.

Even though I said I would never go to Kiddie Park again I found myself there on Thursday and they've found a way to up the horribleness by adding road construction to the equation to go along with the crack houses and throngs of pedders. If you didn't read my last review of this place let me reset what this is. Kiddie Park is a San Antonio "institution." Which means it's really old and run down. On our way there my kid asked me if we were close and I told her when she could smell hepatitis and tetanus then she'd know we were close. The only I allowed myself to touch while I was there were the antibacterial dispenser. I'm assuming my 2 year old isn't long for this world since I caught him licking the glass of one of the tchotchke dispensers. It cost ~$11 per kid to go and my 2 year old refused to ride anything so I actually paid them to give him a disease and nothing else. Luckily, the older kid will be too old to ride anything there the next time we come to town so hopefully my days in Hell are done.

5. Longhorn Fans - I went over the dumb time out by Jordan Hamilton at the end of the Arizona game but that's probably not the reason my fellow Longhorn fans gave for the loss. You probably heard about the short 5 second count. It was a short count and the way the ref responded to questions about it makes me hope he's never allowed to ref another NCAA game. And you've probably heard about the uncalled foul after J. Brown's missed final shot. I can't say there wasn't a foul. However, these aren't the reasons the Longhorns lost. All of these "judgement" calls would have been moot if that timeout isn't called and Hamilton doesn't miss both free throws. Or how about the Longhorns put together two good halves of basketball instead of digging themselves such a deep hole they were forced to play mistake free in the second half. Longhorn fans need to let the phantom and missed calls go. Even if the ref came out today and admitted his mistakes, they aren't putting anymore time back on the clock. The Horns are going to have another top 5-10 team again next season and maybe this time they won't implode down the stretch.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/10/11

Top 5

1. Auburn vs. Oregon - I refuse to call it by that other game since that title was assigned and not earned. However, I've been looking forward to this game since mid October. I believe I predicted a 85-81 game back then but I think the layoff will cause some rust so I'm lowering my expectations to a 73-68 game. We've got the best player in CFB going against the best offense in CFB. I can't wait. I don't have a dog in the fight, so I hadn't decided which team to pull for yet. My son's favorite animal is a duck, so my daughter decided she was pulling for Oregon. She then begged me to pull for Oregon too so I guess I'm a Pac-10 guy tonight. Besides no one really wants the SEC to win a 5 straight national title right?

2. Mack Brown - My man Mack broke out his recruiting skills to lure a stellar new coaching staff to Austin. In the long run, Terryl Austin and Paul Chryst balking at committing 100% could be the best thing to happen for the organization. The Longhorns ended up with two of the hottest up & comers as its new coordinator. Brian Harsin comes to Texas fresh off of running Boise St. high powered offense and will now we'll have a chance to see what happens when you combine that system with some of the top recruits in the country. He'll have play calling duties but also a highly respected and similarly up and coming co-offensive coordinator in Major Applewhite. Manny Diaz is a high energy DC who likes to get after the quarterback. He hasn't been through the battle Will Muschamp has but he definitely brings a similar energy. These new young coordinators plus new S&C coach Bennie Wylie should be the link Mack needs to connect with the younger players and get this thing turned around.



3. Seahawks v. Saints - Saturday's games will be remembered for Marshawn Lynch's incredible run in the 4th quarter of the Seahawk's game versus the Saints. The Saints still riding the wave of being America's sweethearts grossly underperformed on defense and couldn't complete the comeback. Like any good champ though they went down swinging in what turned out to be the shootout of the weekend. I personally thought Matt Hasselbeck had died of old age shortly after losing to the Steelers in the Super Bowl a few years ago. Apparently, I was wrong because even at 92 years old he was able to shred the Saints for 4 touchdown passes. So, now we have our first team with a losing record in the divisional round. I'll be pulling against the Seahawks mainly because of Pete Carroll. Personally, I don't have anything against Pete Carroll per se but he looks exactly like a guy who stiffed my wife and I for $10,000 of advertising work. So, until Pete changes his face, he can go fuck himself.

4. Rex Ryan - He finally got past his personal enemy, Peyton Manning. Thank God, the NFL is much more interesting with Rex Ryan still coaching and Peyton eliminated. Peyton will now have the entire off season to get that giant red spot on his forehead to subside. I don't dislike Peyton I've just had enough. Is there an irritating person he hasn't done an ad with yet. Justin Timberlake, check. Jim Nantz, check. Look out Bieber you're next.

5. Californication -That was probably the best way Californication could possibly kick off its fourth season. A little Carla Gugino makes everything better. I appreciate that they've decided to pretend season 3 never happened. The entire season was based on the chance to see Eva Amurri topless. And as great as that was, the internet has rendered that strategy for pulling viewers kind of moot. The premiere set the season up nicely for Hank to struggle legally with statutory rape charges, at home with the revelation that he slept with a 16 year old and professionally as he finds himself back in bed with that old devil, the film industry. BTW Sasha revealed that she really did have outstanding wares.

Bottom 5

1. NFL Playoff Sunday -The NFL could not have followed up a great pair of Saturday games with a less exciting set of games. The early game between was interesting for about a half before the Ravens began imposing their will on the Chiefs. The second game never really had a chance with Joe Buck involved. I don't know why FOX keeps a running a guy out there that is universally despised by everyone. Not only does he not bring anything to the broadcast, he actually detracts from it. He sucks the excitement from every compelling game he's involved with by just being himself. Aikman is a good analyst and is getting completely short changed by being hamstrung by the sports world's wet blanket. Maybe they could add Artie Lange to the booth to spice things up a bit. Better yet, if they could somehow team Buck with Steve Tasker, I could just eliminate that game from my weekend viewing all together. Free Troy Aikman.

2. Bob McNair - From the crappy Houston sports owner department comes this quote from Bob McNair “Generally, when you make any kind of change, you sort of hold your breath. You say, ‘Boy, I hope this works out.’" I know he said some other ridiculous things in that interview but this statement in particular really bothers me. Uncle Bob's quote further exemplifies a huge problem with the Texans organization. From the top down, they are so afraid to make bold moves or shake things up they would rather be content with just not sucking. If you think about it, that goes perfectly with Kubiak's playing not to lose play calling. Ironically Bob, that's exactly why you and your team does suck. So here we are Texans fans, stuck with an owner who holds his breath when he makes changes to his staff. Stuck with a head coach who plays not to lose, holds his breath and can't bear to watch as his team kicks game deciding field goals. Stuck with a GM who's shown no intestinal fortitude to make draft day moves to get the guy he wants or to spend the owners money to get that big time culture changing free agent. Just like Stealers Wheel sang  "clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right, here we are stuck in the middle again."

3. Aggies - If you follow me on twitter and you should because I'm fucking awesome, then you know that I declared the winner of the Cotton Bowl could officially claim the title of "Most Ridiculous Fans on the Planet." For about a quarter it looked like you guys really wanted that title but it really is hard to beat LSU fan when it comes to ridiculousness. Friday, I went out to eat and I'd say 2/3 of the people there were wearing either A&M or LSU gear. At the table next to us was a particularly disturbing family of LSUians. They were putting off a real inbred vibe and when they opened their mouth they did nothing to dispel that. Don't worry though Aggie fan you'll always be the Texas state champ in that department.

4. CFB exhibition season - Of the 35 or so exhibition games college football puts on in December and January, I will have watched three start to finish after tonight. If we do the math, that's about 8.5% And that's on you BCS. You put together a bunch of lackluster games, feature 6-6 teams, cheat the fans, cheat the players and steal from the Universities. I would say I hope you got what you wanted but of course you did. You got a bunch of state funded universities to pay you millions of dollars to allow them the honor to play in a meaningless game. Congrats I guess.

5. My sanity - A little back story. I hate the sound of people eating. When I was a kid, my brother and I would get into a fist fight every single morning before school. I didn't eat breakfast but he had to have a bowl of cereal. Unfortunately, he was unable to eat his cereal without smacking like an old Vietnamese lady. Cue the fight. A couple of decades later I was so proud of my 4 year old daughter when she came home to tell me she couldn't stand eating lunch at school because her friends were gross and couldn't eat with their mouths closed. Awesome. Now two years later, she has completely turned heel and likes to sit about 3 feet from my head and smack like a 12 year old with braces trying to eat taffy. This is getting brutal.

Friday Quick Hitters - 1/7/11

That thud you heard was Big Bang Theory hitting rock bottom last night.

What's going on with all these shootings on Grey's Anatomy? Alice in Chains always made Seattle seem like such a beautiful, happy place to live.

Every other college football program needs to remember this: You're just borrowing your best coordinators until The University of Texas is ready for them.

Dream Team?

What is it about interviews that scares the hell out of Gary Kubiak? This is the third DC he's hired without interviewing any other candidates.

The Larry Sanders Show, The Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show with Bob & David thank you IFC.

I'm 98% sure my 20 month old is rebelling against wearing pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear any.

I'm glad to see McDonald's has finally embraced the quality of their food and introduced the McTurd.

I'm on your side Andrew. I'd stay at Stanford too instead of facing the prospect of being teammates with Jimmy Clausen.

Someone just told me College Football's exhibition season is still going on. Really? I had no idea. When does the game that matters happen?

Yeah I screwed up making Brandon Roy one of my fantasy basketball keepers but I think that first round pick Blake Griffin is going to work out ok.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/20/10

Top 5

1. Juliann Faucette - I was fortunate enough to catch the UT women's final four volleyball match vs. Penn St. this weekend. These two teams met in the finals last year in one the best match ups I've ever seen in any sport. Penn St needed a furious comeback to thwart the Lady Horns championship dreams. Once again Penn St. upended the Horns, eliminating them from the tournament. However, the Lady Horns pitched a shutout in the looks department led by their ace Juliann Faucette. Beyond being the best looking player on the court, she was also their best player.  Did I tweet that I'd have her babies during the game? And did I mean it? Yes and Yes. Juliann (yes we're on a first name basis following this weekend) was extra special hot on the court. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her on the beach volleyball circuit soon and perhaps in the 2010 Olympics.

2. Mike Vick - That guy may have killed a bunch of dogs but man can he play football. He put the Giants on the rape stand and choked those bitches out yesterday. Or did they do that to themselves? Either way the Eagles pulled another one out of their asses and Vick had a couple spectacular runs in the fourth quarter.  However, neither of the Vick runs were as remarkable and improbable as DeSean Jackson's punt return for a touchdown on the game's final play. If I were Matt Dodge, I would have gone to the Eagles locker room to avoid facing Tom Coughlin. This is a guy who fines you for being late to a meeting if you're not there 5 minutes early. What do you think he does to guys who kick the ball to the games most dangerous return man, when he has specifically told you to kick it out of bounds. I guess is Matt Dodge will soon find himself a lying next to Jimmy Hoffa on the old Meadowlands site.

Wow. That really happened

3. Rockets Fans - I initially put this in the bottom 5 when the news of Yao Ming's stress fracture was announced. Then I realized this was actually a good thing for the Rockets and their fans. The Rockets can finally leave the Yao/McGrady era behind them and build for the future. Morey has been kind of hamstrung because of having to build a team around "stars" he couldn't count on being on the court. As Rockets fans we may need to come to terms with the the fact that this season isn't going to be successful but I still believe in Daryl Morey's ability to build a team and like every other sport it's better to be really bad or really good than it is to be average or just below average. Being really bad gives you a chance to improve through the draft. Of course this year's draft class may be the weakest in decades. The Rockets will probably be major players on the trade front as well, although maybe not a much as they would like to be with impending labor trouble on the horizon. If the team is willing to admit the days of waiting for Yao to comeback are over then I'm willing to be patient while they put together something new.

4. IFC - IFC is quickly becoming one of my favorite channels. This past summer they began running the entire Freaks & Geeks series on Friday nights. They followed that up with Judd Apatow's other series, Undeclared. Their original series starring David Cross and Will Arnett, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret was outstanding. Oh did I happen to mention they also show reruns of Mr. Show and Arrested Development. Now in preparation for carrying reruns of The Larry Sanders Show in the spring they are having a Larry Sanders marathon all day January 1. Lucky for us the idiots that run college football have made sure there is nothing else compelling on that day so we can all sit back and enjoy some Larry, Artie and Hank Kingsley. Hey Now.

5. Me - I had a great birthday on Sunday. My gift from my daughter was a promise not to whine all day and unbelievably she actually delivered. My talented wife redesigned this blog and created a logo for me. I had the best pancakes in Houston at Harris County Smokehouse. Beyond going to eat I'm not sure I moved 20 steps from my recliner all day. The Texans gave me the gift of comedy. Twitter gave me the gift of a forum to make fun of those Texans. I now am 365 days away from my 40's. That's a scary number for some folks but as an unemployed father of two, it doesn't bother me at all. Regardless, turning 40 has to be better than when I turned 30 and someone thought what I really needed was to go to a Creed concert. Even though I had made it explicitly clear that Creed sucked and deserved to have their tour bus driven off a mountain side. This "friend" said I just needed to see them live to get a proper appreciation for them. They bought me a ticket and they were right. Creed sucked even more live than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for that.

Bottom 5

1. Texans Fans -Did it look like the team quit yesterday? Yeah I think so too. As bad as the team looks though, the scarier thing is that Bob McNair thinks they are on the right track. At least, that's what he's saying publicly. Maybe yesterday's performance changed his view but I doubt it. McNair has always seemed like a guy that was pushed into buying an NFL franchise. He was the richest guy in the best market to add a new NFL team and that's a good business decision. He's never struck me as either an NFL fan nor a super competitive person. He obviously allows his personal feelings to affect his decisions with the Texans. If he didn't, David Carr's option would not have been picked up when it was evident to everyone, he wasn't a starting NFL caliber quarterback. I hope, no pray that his son or someone gets in his ear and convinces him to blow this regime out. He desperately needs to bring in a veteran NFL personnel guy who has had success to completely revamp this organization. Yeah, I know I'm not telling you anything the 4 million other people in the area don't already know. Unfortunately, the only person who doesn't seem to know what needs to be done happens to be the only person who counts.

2. - Uncircumsised Houston Texans Players - I don't know if you've heard but The Tebow is starting for the Texans next opponent, the Denver Broncos and he hates foreskin. Among the many miracles The Tebow has performed, circumcising underpriviledged kids is one he likes to get his hands dirty and do manually. But there is hope. There is a group called Intact America or Sat(b)an's Army as Tebowists refer to them, that are putting up billboards and trying to unite the rest of the world against this ghastly tradition of cutting the foreskin from the penises of baby boys. There's a war coming and we'll all have to pick a side. Will you be on the side of The Tebow or will you choose the foreskin?

3. Fantasy Football - Let me start with this, Fuck You Ray Rice. You sucked all year long. You were by far the biggest bust on any of my 7 fantasy football teams. Then after 13 weeks of being a giant turd you have a game like that, 233 yards and 2 Tds. I could even handle you have a good game except because you were such a lousy pick I missed the playoffs in my main league then you explode this week to knock me out of the playoffs in another league. If you want to know how I really feel about you see Ruxin v. Gates on The League. And yes I did wish mouth cancer on you yesterday.




4. UCLA Dynasty - In case you hadn't heard, the UConn womens basketball team equaled the UCLA 88 game win streak. Except, they didn't. There is no way to intelligently compare the UCLA streak and the UConn streak. Yes, they are both winning streaks involving games played with a hoop, a ball and involving humans. And that is where the similarities stop. I'm not saying the UConn streak isn't impressive because it is. If you win 88 games in a row at anything it's impressive but just because you win three Super Bowls on Madden '11 doesn't mean you can start comparing yourself to Bill Belichick. Hell, Edwin Moses won 122 races in a row. I guess ESPN will have to get stable of goons ready to compare a women's basketball team to a hurdler as they approach that streak. Someone needs to tell Geno, no one is saying his girls don't deserve recognition but just don't disrespect those great John Wooden teams by comparing yourself and your sport to what they accomplished.

5. Tron Legacy - Wow sorry Tron maybe I was wrong. That $43 million you pulled in this weekend was a little less than the $4 trillion or so I predicted for you. Worse still it's significantly less than the $200 million it cost to make the movie. I know it's just the opening weekend but with a low buzz/marketing ratio and lukewarm reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a bit skeptical it has the traction to be called a success.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/14/10

Top 5

It's been a pretty shitty week so I'm discontinuing the top 5 this week. If I was going to have one GSP's destruction of Josh Koscheck would definitely be at the top. However, my six year old crawled in bed with us last night and then pissed the bed. So, I'm not in the mood to celebrate anything.

Bottom 5

1. Girl working the window at Chick-fil-a - This chick made the list. On my way to get my kid from school, I decided I really needed an iced tea and brownie from Chick-fil-la. Like any other time I waited in the drive thru for 15 minutes to get my order. When I took the bag it felt kind of heavy and even though my instinct told me to check it, my brain knowing what time it was told me I had no time and sped away. Plus, the girl said "here's your brownie" when she handed me the bag. Once up on the freeway I reached in to enjoy my chocolaty goodness only to find a fucking fruit bowl instead of a brownie. I'm a fat guy and us fat guys don't take kindly to someone replacing our desserts with fruit. I don't know how I'm going to get this person back yet, but I am. Maybe, give her a "stink Lincoln." If you don't know what that is it's probably because I just made it up but it involves a $5 bill and a very stinky part of my anatomy.

2. Texas Longhorns - I thought I was done writing about this crappy Longhorn season and then this weekend happened. Thanks for the cherry on my shit sundae Will. Mack Brown already had an offensive coordinator, quarterbacks coach and offensive line coach to replace and then Florida came a calling for Will Muschamp. Now Mack has to completely rebuild both his offensive and defensive staffs along with keeping a nervous recruiting class on board. My hope is that Mack heeds the lessons of his past and allows himself to step outside his comfort zone to hire the best guys for the job but I'm starting to get the feeling he may want someone he's familiar with. I would have no issue with him promoting Major Applewhite to OC. Major was OC at Rice and Alabama before returning home to Texas. From all accounts, he would be an aggressive play caller and with Muschamp now gone he looks to have the inside track to the top spot once Mack leaves. I'm not exactly excited about Mack's desire to return to a power running game. I think the college game has evolved and a more innovated style is required to attracted a higher level of player. On the defensive side, I'd like to see Randy Shannon hired as DC. Shannon had a solid track record as DC for Miami finishing 7th or better 5 out his 6 years nationally and is a top notch recruiter. He understands coaching speed and developing NFL quality players.

3. Metrodome - You're in Minneapolis right? You've had snow before right? I thought the video of the roof collapsing was shocking then I read that this was the fourth time the roof has collapsed because of snow. What? Look, I think it's time you guys upgraded. I can get you a deal on a slightly used domed stadium. Just send your guys down to Fannin here in Houston and we'll find a way to get the "8th Wonder of the World" sent your way.

4. Dexter - ***SPOILERS AHEAD*** What the fuck was that. Just terrible. The whole season had been just blah but that finale was a total crap sandwich. Oh great you got your bad guy on the table but every thing else was way too mushy Hallmark cardish. From Rita's kids asking to spend the summer with Dex to Batista giving Laguerta some anniversary gift it was all too much. At least Masuka had the decency to bring a hooker to Harrison's birthday party. Everything came a little too easy in the finale. Jordan took himself to a secluded place to be killed. There was a convenient plastic sheet up so Deb couldn't see her brother holding a bloody knife. Quinn and Dexter creating some weird unspoken truce. My hope was that Dexter would go the way of SOA and bring the show back to its basics with a dark singularly focused Dexter and redeem themselves for a mostly forgettable season. That was your mulligan Dex. Time to go back to work.

5. Ketchup Bottles - The Texans are wearing those terrible ketchup bottle uniforms tonight. As if the defense hadn't been bloodied enough now they're going to look the part too. I love the battle red jerseys. They're one of the best in the league but the red pants are hideous. I hate monochromatic unis to begin with so I was against the very idea of these uniforms but the reality of them is even worse. At least with black or blue the horribleness doesn't stand out quite as much. Please Texans, next season when you've blown out the old regime and are ready to start anew, lets go back to wearing the white pants with the red jerseys.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/22/10

Top 5


1. Orange - There are very few things that can get me behind the Aggies but Bo Pelini is one. Wow, I've written this paragraph several times now and I just can't seem to muster the proper hate. Thanks, Longhorns that's what you and your crappy play has done to me this season. Not only have you sucked the enjoyment of UT games out of me but you've also killed my personal hate machine. I'm sure I'll find my hate before we get to DKR on Thursday night though.  We're also celebrating the orange of Oklahoma St. as they try to save us from having to see OU and their lip less coach in another Big 12 title game. Go Pokes. 


2. Astros Fans - Christmas came early for Astros fans. Last week Drayton McLane announced he was putting the Astros on the market. Maybe he got tired of seeing the guys he runs out of town in the World Series, Bob Watson (Yankees), Gerry Hunsicker (Rays), Nolan Ryan (Rangers). Maybe even he finally got tired of his whole fake "who wants to be a champion" act. I know the fans have been tired of it for years now. Uncle D did do some good things though so in the spirit of Thanksgiving, thanks for the World Series appearance, thanks for the playoff runs, thanks for the great stadium, thanks for letting us celebrate Biggio's career 77 times, also thanks for Carlos Lee's contract, thanks for $9 nachos, thanks for running the Oilers out of town, thanks for Tim Purpura, thanks for taking the farm system from #1 to #30. Mostly, we'd like to thank you for waiting two years to put the team on the market because we would have hated for a local icon like Nolan Ryan to buy the team.

3. The Eagles - They're no Don Henley, Glen Frey and Joe Walsh but Mike Vick, DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy are the most exciting team in the NFL right now. I don't know if they have the defense or the football IQ on offense to win the Super Bowl but they definitely have enough to challenge in the NFC. As a Texans fan, I fully expect the Eagles to put up at least 60 points on the Texans pathetic pass defense. DeSean Jackson getting 15-20 yards of separation on Kareem Jackson isn't a possibility, it's a probability. The biggest issue I foresee is if both the Eagles and the Steelers  make it to the Super Bowl, who do you root for? The dog executioner or the sexual assaulter? As a dog owner and lover I find it very hard to root for Vick but the thought of pulling for Rapelisberger just makes my skin crawl.

4. Boardwalk Empire - Man, this weeks episode had it all. Arnold Rothstein coolly putting the Philly boys in their place. Al Capone having a moment of clarity during a bar mitzvah. Eddie really feeling it after saving Nucky's life. Van Alden hitting the sauce then hitting a very saucy Lucy. And the coup de grace was Chalky choking a bitch out after finding out he was the person responsible for the lynching of one of his men. Excellent episode.



5. Kids & Art -My wife and I like to expose our kids to as much art and culture as possible. Our daughter, Audrey loves art. She loves looking at, learning about and creating art. She's pretty good too. So last week we a had a pretty successful week when her class went on a field trip to the MFAH to see the German Impressionists and the African Ife exhibits. Then on Saturday we took Audrey and Cash to Via Colori. The Via Colori street paintings were pretty incredible and there was plenty food and activities to keep the kids happy. For a $10 donation you could get your kid a 2ft square and pastels for them to paint themselves. Audrey promptly made a mess of herself in the process of painting her square. In hindsight maybe doing that first wasn't the best idea. Ultimately, we had a great day out and didn't have to spend a lot of money to have a great time.

Audrey got a tattoo of the logo her mama created for Via Colori

 









Bottom 5

1. Bo Pelini - It did not take long for his act to grow tired did it? We get it you're intense. You wear sweatshirts and you're intense. You chomp gum and you're intense. Your brother attacks cameramen and you're intense. You bitch about refs and you're intense. Yeah, so there were some calls that went against you but superior teams find a way to get past the calls. Disciplined teams don't make those penalties in the first place. You think Saturday was bad? Wait until you're playing a night game at the Horseshoe. Listen Bo, just do us a favor stop crying, stop embarrassing your players on national television, stop letting your brother act like an a-hole and stop losing to teams from Texas. Oh never mind that last part, Dr. Tom and the Big 10 already took care of that.

2. Saturday Breakfast - As I've stated before, we go out for Saturday breakfast every week at Harris County Smokehouse. Seriously, they have the best buttermilk pancakes in town. We've got a problem though. For years I could count on them playing some sweet old cowboy music. The restaurant was always full of Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins and all those great old country songs. A few weeks ago someone decided they needed to start playing top 40 country. This is a huge problem. That music sucks and is sucking the fluff and flavor out of my pancakes. I need my weekly dose of family breakfast and I need someone with the skill and magic of HCS to make it but I can't possibly tolerate being sonically tortured for an hour during the process. Please bring back the man in black.

3. VY - Let's get this straight, I love Vince Young. I'll never forget 4th & 5. I'll never forget the best college football player I've ever seen. Unfortunately, it appears for as talented as he is, he's equally immature. There have long been rumors of his lack of work ethic and of course the infamous six on the Wonderlic test. I doubt even Mack Brown believes Vince will win two Super Bowls or come anywhere near the Hall of Fame. At 27, he's a man not a kid. Jeff Fisher is doing the right thing by not coddling him anymore. He's been pampered and told he was great enough for three lifetimes. We'll see if Bud Adams allows Jeff Fisher to give Vince the ass kicking he needs and deserves. If so, hopefully losing his job and possibly team will knock some sense into him much like being run out of Carolina did for Kerry Collins. Vince you were great and every UT fan appreciates what you did while in Austin but your act is tired and you're quickly becoming the worst kind of joke.

4. Reality Show Finales - I rarely watch any shows live. It's much easier to fast forward past commercials or terrible story lines, yeah I'm looking at you Buatista and La Guerta. However, my wife does watch live television while she's working at night and this is where we run into a problem. Just as it had with the Project Runway finale, I happened to be walking through the bedroom at the exact moment they announced the winner for Next Iron Chef. Unfortunately for me, I was just starting the show and still a good 50 minutes behind. Yeah that's right, two shows, two finales and two huge fails on my part. The only consolation was that I had lost a little interest in the Next Iron Chef a couple weeks ago when Bryan Caswell was eliminated. At least my mistake with finding out the ending wasn't nearly as big as Iron Chef cutting Caswell.

5. Thursday Night Football - I want to go on record as not being a fan of a weekly Thursday night game. I'm all for the occasional game and Thanksgiving games but a weekly game unnecesarialy mucks up my Thursday night viewing. One college game mixed with my normal Thursday night television is plenty. On top of that, the announcing team for the NFL network is left of terrible. Bob Papa is fine as a play by play guy but the rest of the team isn't doing him any favors. Didn't we kill Joe Theismann off a few years ago when Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? For the life of me I can't remember anyone clamoring to have him back on their TV. The best thing I can say for Matt Millen is that he's a better television analyst than he was a GM but then again he did GM a team to a 0-16 record.