Californication "And Justice for All" Review

I may have to watch last night's finale again because I'm not sure I "got it." Yes, Hank escaped with just probation, community service and a fine but where does that leave him? Karen has obviously moved on with Ben. He blew it with Abbey because as she put it he's "too fucked up" for her. He took Becca's advice and moved out of the hotel. The last we see of Hank he's speeding down the California highway with all his possessions packed into his Porsche. Is he leaving LA? Can he leave California while on probation? Is he heading to the desert for the Jim Morrison experience to find his destiny? Where is Hank headed? I don't know. What I do know is that I loved about 2/3 of the finale and absolutely hated the other 1/3.

When I saw the previews of Hank passing out in court, I assumed it was him passing out just before the sentencing and waking up to find out he had gotten probation. If the preview didn't clue you in the the episodes title should have been a dead give away. I'm not upset by the verdict and sentencing. I never considered him guilty of statutory rape and there's personal growth that can be gained from Hank's brush with the law. However, if I were the judge I would have told him I intended to sentence him to probation but after his smartass statement he earned 30 days in jail along with probation. I'm vindictive like that though.

The dinner party at Stu's was absolute gold. I could have lived without Eddie Nero and Sasha but I understand their presence. For the sake of every Californication fan, I hope we never have to see Rob Lowe as Eddie Nero ever again. Only slightly less irritating was Charlie's nutball girlfriend. Her little dirty antics grew tiresome faster than Charlie Sheen's. The first time she wanted Charlie to pretend he was her brother while they had sex was funny and wrong but by last night's episode the humor had completely evaporated into fumes of crappy unwelcomed screen time. Minus her stabbing Charlie at dinner. That did make me laugh.

Of course Charlie still loves Marcy. He didn't divorce her, she divorced him despite his constant attempts to win her back. Why was this even a question? No that everyone knows she carrying Charlie's baby, what is their future? Does she stay with Stu? That what it looked like during the long closing montage. I'm cool with that. I found Stu more often than not funny plus lest we forget he's "rich as fuck and hung like a moose."

Even though I thought the dinner party was hilarious, I didn't care for the interaction between Hank and Ben. I get it that Ben is a better person than Hank but I have trouble accepting that he'd just sit there and take jab after jab from Hank. At some point, Hank just looks like a bully and Ben doesn't seem like the kind of guy that allows himself to be bullied. Honestly, I have know idea what the "Black Jesus" was supposed to represent when he save Hank in the pool. Maybe, Ben is the person that not only saves Hank's life but also saves Karen and Becca from Hank's self destruction. Maybe, Ben is the example that saves Hank from Hank's self destruction.

OK now on to the 1/3 I hated. The 7 or so minute montage of Hank on the movie set was terribly executed and overall dumb. I'm not going to question Hank sleeping with the actress playing Karen because that's just Hank doing what Hank do. I will say I couldn't stand the flashes of the real Karen and Becca with the actors playing them. I thought the entire montage was pointless. It didn't add any additional meaning to the lessons of the season or further the relationship between the three in a good or bad way. Like about a third of this season's episodes the montage was just cinematic masturbation. Visuals to stimulate and evoke emotions without actually furthering the characters.

Overall, season 4 was a step in the right direction after a terrible third season but the character of Hank stagnated. His failure to learn from his past and grow as a person has become a detriment not only to his family but to his likability as a character. The fifth season needs to further Hank as a person. Otherwise he faces becoming a caricature of himself and the show following he same precipitous decline that doomed Entourage.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 3/22/11

Top 5

1. Statutory Rape - Is anything hotter right now that statutory rape? Hank Moody was just convicted of statutory rape on Californication. Bill on Big Love faced the same charge before meeting his fate and now this week on Shameless Frank was essentially raped by a minor. In real life LT just got 6 years probation for sleeping with a 16 year old. And let's not forget the king of all statutory rape Roman Polanski. I'm telling you, statutory rape is white hot right now.


2. Jason Isbell - I finally was able to see Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit live this past weekend at Sam's Burger Joint in San Antonio. It was my first chance to catch him live since he left the Drive-By Truckers. Having now seen both Isbell and DBT since the split, I have to say that I think DBT miss Jason more than he misses them. DBT is still a great band and continues to produce terrific albums but they lost a key piece when Jason left. An outsiders perspective is that Patterson writes songs from his brain. Cooley writes from that old rock 'n roll staple the crotch. Jason's music seems to come from his hearth and soul though. He writes beautiful songs about life in the south, family and soul felt love songs.



The 400 Unit is an extremely tight band and Isbell has developed great chemistry with guitarist Browan Lollar. They traded licks and lead duties like partners of 20 years. The band ran through all of Isbell's best with the DBTs even kicking the show off with "Never Gonna Change" and mixing in the Jimi Hendrix classic "Stone Free" in the middle of the song. They didn't have a particularly long set because this was the third of three shows for them that day. Isbell and the band had played two shows at SXSW earlier in the day before heading over to play a nightcap in San Antonio. Even with the shortened show they hit on every song I was hoping for except for "Brand New Kind of Actress." They did a cover The Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer" with Lollar on vocals that rivaled the original. By the end of the show Isbell's throat was obviously trashed. He was having to use a throat spray between songs to keep going. Afterwards the guys stuck around to have drinks and mingle with fans. Great performers and terrific guys all around. I'm hoping Cactus Music can set up an in store performance when they come to Houston for Summerfest in June. You can bet the mortgage I'll be there.

3. Alamo Heights - Man these are my kind of people. They're old, grumpy as hell and have absolutely no patience for anyone. While I was in San Antonio last week, I found myself in this area on several occasions. On one occasion we stopped in Central Market to get a birthday cake for my son. In a normal supermarket situation people will say "excuse me" or something like that when they try to get by you, not these fossils. These old coots will just mow right through you and if they happen to take out one of your toes, well then that's your problem. Damned is the checker who doesn't get someone to the register for a carry out quick enough. Granny in her animal print shawl and heavy jewelry is about to drop some not so nice knowledge on your ass.

The middle aged residents are just as mean but fuck them. They haven't earned their right to let shit fly. I needed to take a different exit out of the parking lot so I decided to go down a one way because it was the only way for me to get where I needed. Just as I was turning out the one way a woman in her chromed out Escalade wanted to turn in and had to back up literally four feet for me to turn. Well holy shit! You would have thought she had to push her car out of the way. She threw it into reverse hammered the accelerator and jammed it back into drive. As I was driving past she rolled down her window to scream at me and call me a moron. Now I can't argue with someone calling me a moron because much of the time that's a good assessment. However, I happened to be in the car with my mother in law and kids and I've tried to shield my offspring from my moronic tendencies. My first instinct was to roll down my window and tell the bitch to go die in a grease fire (a favorite picked up from legendary red ass Stump). But since I didn't want to lose it in front of the kids and mother in law I let is slide.

4. Burnout Pete - I made a new friend at Sam's Burger Joint waiting for the Jason Isbell show to start. We never exchanged names but I've come to call him Burnout Pete. We talked for at least an hour about bands past and present. He's one of those guys who goes to five shows a week and since he lives in the hill country, he hits shows in Austin, San Antonio and Gruene. A conversation with Burnout Pete is kind of like what you'd expect talking to Tommy Chong is like. During our time together he called me "man" no less than 300 times. He still pumped about a Robin Trower show he'd recently been to and said Trower's show was as good now as it was when he saw him in '73. His wife was the spitting image of a blond hippie Angelica Huston. I tried to turn him on to using IConcerCal for keeping up with shows through iTunes but as soon as I said something I realized he probably had a vinyl music library and not a digital one. I hope I run in to Pete again sometime. That guy was cool and fun to talk to plus we still have some unresolved disagreements about The Band.

5. Kid Prophets - I've got nothing for number 5 so I'm going to leave you with my favorite quote by my 6 year old daughter from our trip to San Antonio. On our way to Kiddie Park which is as terrible as it sounds, read below, my kid drops this nugget on us "I'm gonna die on the horizon."


Bottom 5

1. Spring Break - I did a little research to find out who invented spring break. I needed someone to blame. Someone I could heap all my resentment and hatred upon year after year. Unfortunately, the idea isn't attributed to any one person so I have to blame the farmers and Easter for this week of Hell. At least according to wikipedia and google that's who I should blame.  I've learned to deal with summer break. I start getting my mind ready in May. I play loops of screeching noises and loud screaming for a few weeks prior to the end of the school year and I'm set. Spring break always seems to sneak up on me though. And because it's one week of unexpected freedom the kids try to get out all of their horribleness in one nuclear blast of annoyingness. So how bad was this year? Let me see if this gives you any idea. By 10am on Monday morning, one kid have vomited chocolate milk all over my bedroom. While the other kid was in the throws of a monstrous fit because she was bored. It was only two hours in to spring break and she was already bored. If you think your week can possibly go well after a beginning like that then you're wrong.

2. On Court Stupidity - I'm getting the power rankings out so late this week the happenings in the NCAA basketball tournament are a bit out dated but the stupid fouls and plays in the Butler/Pitt and Texas/Arizona games are the things of legend. When Pitt was on the line to what seemed like steal victory from Butler I was writing a tweet that the boneheads on Pitt weren't above doing something stupid like fouling Butler right back. And before I could even hit send, they did it. Why would you even care about that rebound? There wasn't enough time to make any reasonable shot so at worst you were headed to overtime. Then my Longhorns decided they didn't want to be left out of the dumbass conversation. With 12 seconds left, the ball and a 2 point lead Jordan Hamilton called a timeout. The only option Arizona had at that point was to foul Hamilton but he let them off the hook and called a timeout. Hamilton is a good ball handler, a premier scorer and a 78% free throw shooter. Now it seems like he may have been coached to call a timeout and if so then the onus falls on Rick Barnes for blowing that game.

3. Big Love - I said my piece about the Big Love finale in a blog post earlier this week but they still make the bottom 5 for what was a very disappointing finale. So many great characters and story lines created through the years were thrown away with a thud. I've tried to rationalize the way the series ended over the past few days and I still can't find an excuse that makes it the correct ending. Sad way to close an excellent show.


4. Third World Cities - One of the best things about living in Texas is that we can visit third world cities without having to actually go to a third world country.  Like I've already said, We visited family in San Antonio this past week and it's always a culture shock when we go. Everyone appears to be 10-15 years older than their actual age. Even if you don't take in the arts and museums of Houston, there's a level of sophistication and culture that is absent in San Antonio. If your kid happens to get sick while you're there like mine did, you're better off visiting a witch doctor or just taking them out back and giving them the old lame horse treatment than going to a clinic. They claim to have degrees but judging from their analysis and advice I'd rather trust my kid's health to a can of Dr. Pepper than these fruit cakes.

Even though I said I would never go to Kiddie Park again I found myself there on Thursday and they've found a way to up the horribleness by adding road construction to the equation to go along with the crack houses and throngs of pedders. If you didn't read my last review of this place let me reset what this is. Kiddie Park is a San Antonio "institution." Which means it's really old and run down. On our way there my kid asked me if we were close and I told her when she could smell hepatitis and tetanus then she'd know we were close. The only I allowed myself to touch while I was there were the antibacterial dispenser. I'm assuming my 2 year old isn't long for this world since I caught him licking the glass of one of the tchotchke dispensers. It cost ~$11 per kid to go and my 2 year old refused to ride anything so I actually paid them to give him a disease and nothing else. Luckily, the older kid will be too old to ride anything there the next time we come to town so hopefully my days in Hell are done.

5. Longhorn Fans - I went over the dumb time out by Jordan Hamilton at the end of the Arizona game but that's probably not the reason my fellow Longhorn fans gave for the loss. You probably heard about the short 5 second count. It was a short count and the way the ref responded to questions about it makes me hope he's never allowed to ref another NCAA game. And you've probably heard about the uncalled foul after J. Brown's missed final shot. I can't say there wasn't a foul. However, these aren't the reasons the Longhorns lost. All of these "judgement" calls would have been moot if that timeout isn't called and Hamilton doesn't miss both free throws. Or how about the Longhorns put together two good halves of basketball instead of digging themselves such a deep hole they were forced to play mistake free in the second half. Longhorn fans need to let the phantom and missed calls go. Even if the ref came out today and admitted his mistakes, they aren't putting anymore time back on the clock. The Horns are going to have another top 5-10 team again next season and maybe this time they won't implode down the stretch.

Californication "The Last Supper" Review

So what would you do if you were convicted of felony and facing sentencing in a day or so? Well if you're Hank Moody you'd get shit faced, sex your lawyer, visit your daughter, your favorite hooker, you best friend and then spend the evening at a party in your honor with friends and family. Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad day, except for the convicted part of course.

Just as I had predicted, Hank was found guilty of statutory rape. It was obvious throughout the episode that Hank was nervous and off his game. His usual wit was absent and his jokes fell flat. In other words, he was more human than normal. It was an episode for Hank to feel the gravity of his situation. He was finally accepting blame for being his own worst enemy.

Unbelievably, the truest and best scenes of the episode involved Becca. I'm not a big fan of Madeleine Martin's acting but I thought she did quite well tonight. Becca's had to be the adult more often than a child should where Hank is involved and she didn't hold back on letting him know that. Her life is exhibit A of the downside of having the "cool" parent. She expressed to Hank that sometimes all she wishes is that he was a regular dad who came home from work and did normal dad things. As cool as Hank may seem to us, this is one of those moments you are able to see the hidden consequences of being his kid.

Hank's tour of LA is actually kind of sad. Who does he really have to turn to in his time of emotional need? He's alienated Karen. Charlie is little help in this type of situation and everyone else either hates or wants to use him. He's carved out a rather lonely pathetic situation for himself. Who else could he turn to but his hooker with a golden heart? But Hank doesn't need sex from her. He could get laid by any number of women. What he needs is someone who will listen to him. Allow him to be vulnerable and comfort him.

Just as we see Hank thinking about running from his fate, he's called home to a surprise party with Karen, Charlie, Karen and Becca. The show lost something when the split these two couples up and the writers all but admit that through Becca's assessment. The interplay, conversations and chemistry between these two couples was a show highlight waiting to happen. Marcy and Charlie were always better together even with their problems than either has been apart. Hank and Karen are the natural partners for them. Hank a catalyst to take every situation to the next level and Karen is there to ground everyone. If this is the last time we see the two couples together then is was a good last time with dirty stories, drunken confessions and stoned realizations.

Throughout the night you can see Hank trying to sell Karen on the magic of their relationship. Karen isn't buying. She knows their relationship has reached the end of the road and now it's her job to make Hank see that too. She still loves Hank but love isn't enough when it comes to being with a guy like Hank. She's willing to give herself to him one last time. Maybe it's because he could be going away for a long time or maybe it's because she needs a final chapter for her story with Hank but for one more night she's going to be his. In the morning, it will all be over.

So what sentence does Hank get? How does the season end?

Random Thoughts:

• I guess we've seen the last of Ben and Pearl this season?
• Seems like the least Mia could do is throw Hank one last mercy lay. She owes him that much right?
• I really didn't like the way everyone found out about the guilty verdict. There's no way Charlie and Karen wouldn't have been in the courtroom when that came down.
• I could do without Rob Lowe coming back next week.

Californication "The Trial" Review

"The Trial" was a nice little episode to show us how we got here. There was some high comedy, a little "OK I knew that already" and one little bombshell. In the end nothing has been resolved but we are set up to see what fate has in store for Hank Moody.

My biggest complaint with this episode is that I think we deserved an entire episode of Runkle on the witness stand. Hell, I might go for a "Charlie Runkle: Lawyer to the Stars" series. If we never heard mention of the squirter incident again it would have been a crime. Kudos to the writers for that but I think we could have used a flashback to help illustrate.

I'm a proponent of more screen time for Mia but I thought her performance on the witness stand was a little hard to believe at best. The last we saw of her she was getting Hank loaded, trying to have a threesome with him and Sasha and causing him more trouble by posing for pictures with her hand down his pants. I don't dispute that she feels guilty about what is happening to him but her testimony on her relationship with Karen was way too hokey.

Lets get to the point of the episode. Hank's going to jail. The whole point of the flashback to a blitz Hank talking to Mia with the sun in his eyes was to give the jury the evidence to convict him but the views the inside knowledge that Hank really didn't knowingly sleep with a 16 year old. Hank's going to prison probably for 6 months to a year. Next season will pick up with his release. My assumption is Hank trying to put his life back together after prison will be the basis for season 5. Maybe I'm wrong but doesn't it seem like the Hank Moody character needs a life altering event like this to grow and move forward?

I would welcome Karen finally breaking ties with Hank but I'm not a fan of her reaction to learning that Hank and Mia had met before the bookstore encounter. Hank is a lot of things bad but a liar has never been one. If anyone besides Runkle is going to believe Hank isn't lying about not knowing Mia it should be Karen. She should know that if anything Hank is truthful to a fault. His inability to lie or smooth over the truth gets him into as much trouble as anything else.

What does the road ahead look like? Like I stated before, I think Hank will be found guilty. The rest of this season will involve Hank coming to terms with his childish behavior and the damage he's done by refusing to take anything seriously. He'll have to get his affairs in order before he goes away for a while. Those affairs, I assume will include mending his relationship with Becca and hopefully resolving to let Karen go her own way. We still have the issue of Marcy being pregnant. Runkle has to find out it's his kid, right? It'll be an emotional ride either way with Hank getting enough sex on to last his extended stay at the Hotel State Penitentiary.

Random Notes:

• That was a much needed break from the Stu saga.
• I haven't mentioned this before but casting deserves a lot of credit for finding an actor and actress with matching butt chins to play Bill and Mia.
• I'm still waiting to see some great lawyering out of Abbey.

Californication "Another Perfect Day" Review

So here we are the weekend before Hank goes on trial and he's sleeping in his car because he owes the hotel $25k.

Most of this week's episode frustrated the shit out of me. Make that most of this season has frustrated the shit out of me. At least where Hank is concerned. Remember way back in episode two when Hand drank too much and took too many pills then wrote a beautiful letter to his daughter? It seemed as though Hank had had an epiphany. He had finally realized the damage he was doing not only to himself but to his kid. We didn't need to see a complete 180 in Hank's behavior but even a minor attempt to change would have been a welcomed reprieve. At some point watching Hank go from girl to girl, making witty comments and pining over Karen gets boring without a hint of personal growth. You could have completely removed episode two from this season and nothing would have changed. That is either a wasted opportunity or writing masturbation.

After an episode of pure debauchery we're back to seeing Hank spending time with Karen and Becca. I hate the scenes where Hank is making jokes, being dad and Karen and Becca are laughing and eating it all up. The jokes aren't that funny. I'd rather see Hank struggling with those jokes and being obviously humored by Karen and Becca. Aside from these few minutes it's obvious they've lost all remaining respect for him. Why fake it then? Hank seems to have accepted Karen's new relationship though a few barbs here and there still fee good. We did get one a touching story about how Hank was jealous because he used to be that guy anxiously waiting for Karen to come to the door and now it's Ben.

Following the girls wrecking Hank's car we finally get a poignant conversation between Hank and Karen. Hank obviously wants things to return to his idealized version of normal. The three of them living together as a family. Karen is quick to point out that they can't return to that place because Monday morning they'll wake up, take Becca to school and then drive Hank to his trial for raping a teenaged girl. Now I liked this conversation because Hank doesn't get enough "real talk" in his life. He surrounds himself with sycophants and you women who couldn't spell sycophant. My issue is Karen's emphasis on Hank "raping" a teenager. The show has gone a long way to point out that Karen is both book smart and street smart. She might hound him for having sex with Mia but I she would undoubtedly find his relationship with Mia being defined as rape as ridiculous. Yet she seemed fixed on the term last night. That really bugged me especially with he knowledge of the kind of person Mia is.

So next week we finally get to the trial. Looks like Bill returns to testify against Hank and we get the obligatory Karen freak out over the whole thing. I assume we'll see Marcy and Runkle inch closer to resolving their feelings towards one another. Runkle was visibly upset by Marcy's news of being pregnant with Stu's baby. Marcy at the same time didn't want to tell Runkle because, well it's Runkle's kid and she's got unresolved feelings for him as well. The stuff with Charlie and the real estate agent isn't working for me so hopefully that relationship hits the skids soon. I'm excited to finally get more Abbey. She's been terribly underused this season but the trial should be her time to shine.

Californication "Lights, Camera, A**hole" Review

I'm gonna make this short. There was almost nothing redeeming about tonight's episode whatsoever. It's Californication though, so you have to expect that from time to time.

Hank spent 80% of the episode fucking either Sasha or her mother. This should not surprise you. That's just how Hank Moody rolls. What should surprise everyone is his reaction to discovering Becca's burgeoning problem with drugs and alcohol. He appeared to be saddened but what bothered me is that his concern was far greater when Mia was getting strung out on drugs than he is for Becca. You know his kid that he claims is his only reason for living. I'm not going to tell you Hank's ever been a respectable character but he was at least partially grounded by Becca.

Are we seeing the season in which Hank completely breaks loose of his tether? Maybe the writers want to take Hank into the Charlie Sheen stratosphere of debauchery and selfishness. I can't argue against it being entertaining. I do wonder if they don't start reeling Hank in a bit if viewers will begin to lose the last bits of connection to Hank as he loses the his last tattered shreds of humanity.

Other thoughts:

• I believe I called Stu thinking Marcy's baby is his weeks ago. Very predictable.
• The only humor in the episode was Runkle's sex scene with the realtor. 
• I still haven't figured out why that scene was even written into the script.
• I didn't miss Karen at all.
• I did miss Zoe Kravitz.

Californication "The Recused" Review

Hank Moody's worst days are when he's not getting in trouble. But "The Recused" wasn't about Hank Moody. Well OK, it was about Hank but Marcy that little foul mouthed power pack stole tonight's episode from Hank and rode it for all it was worth.

As bad and boring as Karen is in every episode, Marcy is conversely that great in every episode and tonight was her apex. How can you not love a woman who says stuff like "don't blame me because you were born with a clit for a cock and a tiny little bean bag for what passes for balls." Her Benjamin Button reference was just as strong later in the episode. If Marcy getting a deal with Showtime to create a show about her waxing the nethers of stars we get more of her on Californication then I'm all for it.

Hank though didn't do anything nearly as exciting as pitching a show to Showtime. Unless, you count Abby. His day started off shitty when he showed up at Karen's to find her at home with her new man, Ben. I liked the way Hank reacted to a new man in Karen's life that he couldn't find a reason to hate. He just got childish and mocking. Bill was an easy target for Hank but Ben is a much bigger challenge. An legitimate artist in a field Hank actually respects and the father of a the talented lead singer in Becca's band. It's bad times for Hank's eternal love for Karen. But at least his eternal love didn't have to go golfing with Abby's boss, Lloyd and his anal fissure.

A humorless corporate stiff attorney isn't like trying to stick a square peg in a round hole. It's like trying to stick a square peg where there is no hole. The worst part of it all is Hank had to just take it minus a few passive aggressive jabs because he's Abby's boss. Probably a small price to pay for sleeping with Abby though. She recused herself earlier in the episode after her and Hank started sleeping together. Don't worry though Hank, all it took was pissing in the sand trap on the 15th hole then wrestling with Lloyd to lure Abby back as your Lawyer. I think it was pretty obvious her job was in much greater jeopardy with Lloyd representing Hank that it is with her representing him with a conflict of interest.

Anyone remember how Lisa Bonet made you reconsider what you though about Peter Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Ways?" Well now her daughter, Zoe Kravitz has done the same with Skid Row's "I'll Remember You." Now I never really hated the Skid Row song but I definitely would rather hear Zoe's acoustic version now.

The episode closes with Karen sitting between Ben and Hank. Both of them reaching over to hold her hand while the girls play their show. At that moment, it seems as though she realizes "oh shit, what am I going to do?" Come on though, it's been three years now and we all know Karen and Hank will never work out. It's time to let Karen move on with Ben. Personally, I'm kind of tired of the whole thing.

Californication "Lawyers, Guns and Money" Review

Here is what Californication is about. It's about Hank, Becca, Charlie and Marcy and if we must include her Karen. It's not about Eddie Nero, Dean Koons, Lew Ashby or even Mia. Too often the writers get caught up in these ancillary characters they've created, fallen in love with on paper and end up wasting entire episodes because they really want us to see how great these characters are. This was one of those episodes.

"Lawyers, Guns and Money" spent way too much time on that wild and crazy guy Eddie Nero. First of all, Rob Lowe is terrible in the role. So terrible that he even did the finger point thing his character Chris does on Parks and Recreation. Beyond how Lowe's awful acting as Eddie, the fake beard is so poorly done it has become distracting. I thankfully missed quite a few of Eddie's lines because I just kept thinking "that is the worst fake beard and mustache I've ever seen." Worst of all, he's not even funny. The whole story about taking a man in his mouth fell completely flat on both Hank and the audience.

OK so you get past how horrid Rob Lowe is and his even more awful beard. You can't get past his revelation that Hank's book is really about "a man trying to keep it together while falling apart." Here's why. We already knew what Californication was really about. We didn't need a forced epiphany by a fictional actor to reaffirm it. I don't ask much but I would like for the writers to give me credit for being smart enough to figure that much out.

Very little else that happened in the episode really matters. Not that the Eddie stuff mattered either. I don't know what they're doing with the Stu and Marcy stuff. I think they just needed to fill six minutes of screen time.

Hank and Abby sleeping together was an inevitability. There are freight trains with more stealth coming down the tracks. Although if the episode had focused on their relationship and Hank trying to convince her to take him back as a client, it would have been a whole hell of a lot more interesting.

As a side note, I'm pretty sure the only reason Sasha was in tonight's episode at all was so that we could see Addison Timlin's tits one last time. I'm not complaining. Just making an observation. That's how Californication rolls.

Basically, at the end of the episode we were right back where we started. Just a little more irritated.

Californication "Freeze-Frame" Review

Sometimes sports and fiction kind of collide to form a magical rainbow. Right after tonight's Super Bowl feature Ben Roethlisberger I turn on Californication with an opening exchange that included this gem.

"How do I look?"

"Like a statutory rapist in a suit."

See what happened there?

Tonight's "Freeze-Frame" episode was truest in a long time and possibly the season. Hank was back to his charming silver tongue ways as he continues to pound away trying to break through Abby's fortress walls. I'm starting to think that Hank is way too reckless and the match with Abby is way too obvious for it to ever happen. What we learned about her tonight is that she digs writers and silver tongue devils. See what I mean? Way too obvious.

Everything falls apart for Hank in the final 10 minutes of the episode. He has to let Karen move on with a new man. Then he puts jeopardizes his own freedom by getting himself photographed in bed with Mia and Sasha. I guess this statutory rape case may not go away as easily as it appeared it would at the beginning of the episode. One day Hank probably should realize only bad shit happens to him when Mia's around and just get the hell away from her.

On the Runkle front we learned that Charlie is kind of a pussy when it comes to blood, but we already knew that. We also found out he's a cheap bastard who probably didn't get a successful vasectomy. Which leads us to the realization we've all seen coming for weeks that Runkle is going to be Marcy's baby's daddy. How else do they keep the stellar Pamela Adlon relevant in the show? We also were reminded that Stu is "rich as fuck and hung like a moose."

One question for you though, is Madeleine Martin (Becca) the worst kid actor since Shane Botwin or is she the best? I can't tell if she's that bad an actress or just playing a bizarrely odd kid. You tell me.

Californication "Monkey Business" - 1/30/11 *spoilers*

I've always been of the opinion anytime you can add Fisher Stevens to your show, you do it. If you can add Fisher Stevens and his first diamond hard erection since the first Clinton term, you do it twice. Well, looks the Californication producers don't agree with the second part of that philosophy but at least we got him tonight. And he was outstanding as eccentric billionaire Zig, who apparently lives a very similar life as the Direct TV Russian billionaire, minus the mini giraffe.

Mean while the ladies were hosting band practice for Becca's new band. The band led by Pearl, whose poppa looks to be the new love interest for Karen. Here's to her finding her new true love and moving far away. It turns out all the signs were correctly pointing to Marcy being pregnant. That storyline doesn't interest me at all but Pamela Aldon will make me care only because she brings it every week.

The show as a whole is can go one of two ways. Either they get back to the core of Hank is a writer with demons and shit happens because he can't control his dick. Or they continue down the path they've started down where ridiculous but occasionally funny shit happens but for the most part it's completely out of the realm of believability. Honestly, I'm willing to go either way at this point. I just want more Fisher Stevens.

Sunday Night TV - 1/23/11

Big Love

The lesson this week is more Barb, Nikki and Margene and less of Bill is a good thing. The relationships between the sister wives has always been the more compelling that whatever scheme Bill is working on. Bill gets to run around and stir up a hornets nest but it's his wives that have to suffer the stings. Barb's walk on the wild side, well the wild side for a Mormon housewife, has been refreshing and a much needed turn for her character. As viewers we've been deprived her story. The story of how Bill re-embracing the principle after many years of marriage has affected her as a woman and her relationships with her family. We knew her family disapproved and relationships were strained but the scars never seemed to be revealed.

Equally refreshing is the maturation of Nikki. She was always too much of a two dimensional character, petulant and predictable in her stubbornness. Now that she is raising her teenage daughter and has turned her back on Juniper Creek, she is evolving into a more complete character ready to reveal the damage growing up on a polygamist compound has done.

I'm of the opinion that Margene should take Bill up on his offer to let her leave the family. One thing the last two seasons have revealed is that She is not going to be happy long term kept in her cage raising kids and waiting for Bill to come home. Her personality is too big for that life and this seemed like the perfect opportunity for her to go on a self realization journey with Ana.

One more item, we need more Alby. No one brings the creepy like him and we need that.


Californication

This weeks episode had two highlights. First we found out producer Stu Beggs is "rich as fuck and hung like a moose." Then the episode closes with Hank finally getting around to writing the "Fucking & Punching" screenplay. In between was a collection of disjointed, out of character scenes that really took us no where.

There is no denying Hank is a poon chasing dog but he does possess a certain integrity that makes him using an assumed suicide attempt to get back into Karen's good graces unbelievable. I think Karen has become a huge problem for the writers. She should have been written off the show after season two but for whatever reason continues to hang around LA. I understand the convenience having a plot tool of you're lead character hung up on his "sole mate" is, but has Karen ever done anything to show us why Hank would be obsessed with her? And having a child together isn't enough. There's very little chemistry between the two. She has yet to reveal a quality about her character that would draw a dynamic person like Hank to her. And worst of all, she's just boring. With the series being picked up for a fifth season, I'm hoping season four finds a way to finally put the death knell in the Hank/Karen relationship.


Episodes

The good news is that each episode has improved on the one before it. The bad news is that Episodes still isn't a good show. I haven't checked my "all holidays" calendar but Sunday must have been Big Dick Day on Showtime. Not only did we find out about Stu Beggs moose like qualities on Californication but much of this week's Episodes revolved around what the Lord has blessed Matt LeBlanc with in penis department. I do know it's going to take more than LeBlanc's giant cock to keep me tuning in past next week. I've been more patient with Episodes than I probably should have but the show is looking like a lost cause at this point. Tune in next week for the funeral.

Shameless 

Hey a really enjoyable episode. That's different. Frank still doesn't offer much more than a catalyst to start fires for Fiona to put out but if that's what the character is, I'm OK with that. I just wish they weren't wasting a talent like William H. Macy to fill that role. Lip and Ian continue to be the most interesting on all the Gallagher clan with Ian revealing to a girl at school he's gay. Unfortunately for Lip that revelation came too late to save him a beating at the hands of the Milkovich brothers.


The Aunt Ginger stuff brought a nice bit of levity to a sometimes depressing household and gave Debbie a place in the episode. It was important to get to know Debbie a little before next week's episode when she apparently steals a baby from somewhere.


This was the first week there weren't lulls where I was bored with what I was watching. Hopefully, things will continue looking up in the weeks to come.

Sunday Night TV - 1/17/11

Shameless

So episode 2 is our real introduction to Frank. He likes to drink. He doesn't like his sons. He's OK with his daughters and he really hates Canada. What we also learn is that even though he's a giant dirtbag, his kids still love their father and even though he makes their lives exponentially harder, they turn west Chicago upside down trying to make sure he's OK. Most of all what we learned is the lengths Frank will go to be taken care of and to continue his plush disability check to disability check lifestyle. He moved in with Sheila (Joan Cusack) and that length appeared to be about 9 inches in a most uncomfortable place. Steve was taught a lesson about coming between Fiona and her family and sorry douche but stealing a minivan for her doesn't make up for kidnapping her dad and dumping him in Toronto. I personally would have been happy to see Fiona give Steve the boot all together but I suppose he'll make his way back into her life and we'll all have to put up with him in the weeks to come. Hey maybe that cop friend of Fiona's can take care of that problem for us.

Californication

Not much really happened this week besides some pill and alcohol induced reflection by Hank and we met Rob Lowe's character Eddie Nero who's slated to play Hank in the movie version of Fucking & Punching. So, what did we learn from this week's episode? Not much. Hank is still ruled by his dick, Runkle is up to fifteen women and Rob Lowe likes to dress up as Brad Pitt. We did finally see Hank feel some remorse for the disappointment and embarrassment he's brought his daughter. I thought Hank's line about wanting Harvey Keitel to play him because Harvey likes to show his dong on screen was fantastic since David Duchovny is a notorious on screen dong swinger.

Big Love

So I decided to stick it out with Big Love because this is the last season and I've made it this far. Fortunately, it looks like I may be rewarded for my loyalty. There's no questioning last season was bad. It was more than bad it was god awful. The whole Bill going down to Mexico and rescuing his family in a blaze of glory nearly forced me to cancel my season pass. In their final season it looks like the show is going back to its core principles by focusing on the family and Bill's fight to live the principle. Gone is the casino, JJ's weird gyno son and just about all remnants of last season's bizzaro world. In comes Barb trying new things like drinking, in comes Nicki bullying ten year old boys and a new group of other polygamists who have been living the principle in secret just like the Hendricksons. We finally saw Bill hit with a bit of humility when he realized the pain and feelings of betrayal he's brought upon the people in his life. Even with this bit of humble pie Bill's still the biggest self righteous gas bag on television but it seems at the state house he may no longer be the biggest fish in his pond.

Episodes

I have to say ep. 2 was much better than the first but still not good enough to inspire me to set a season pass yet. Matt LeBlanc played a very capable TV star Matt LeBlanc with all the typical over sexed, pampered star cliches. Hopefully we've seen just about the last of Myra and Andy. The characters are horribly done and continue to clog up the screen with stale unfunny quips. The bit with Merc's blind wife could have been funny if it had been a bit more subtle but I don't think subtlety is in the plans for this show. The seeds of what will undoubtedly be the main tension of the show were planted this week. Sean is obviously embracing the LA lifestyle and willing to make the necessary sacrifices to get their show on the air. While Beverly will continue to fight against LA, the network, body image issues and Matt. At the current pace Episodes probably has two more chances to build momentum and sell me on it. With as crowded as Sunday night is you've got to better than this to crack the DVR lineup.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/10/11

Top 5

1. Auburn vs. Oregon - I refuse to call it by that other game since that title was assigned and not earned. However, I've been looking forward to this game since mid October. I believe I predicted a 85-81 game back then but I think the layoff will cause some rust so I'm lowering my expectations to a 73-68 game. We've got the best player in CFB going against the best offense in CFB. I can't wait. I don't have a dog in the fight, so I hadn't decided which team to pull for yet. My son's favorite animal is a duck, so my daughter decided she was pulling for Oregon. She then begged me to pull for Oregon too so I guess I'm a Pac-10 guy tonight. Besides no one really wants the SEC to win a 5 straight national title right?

2. Mack Brown - My man Mack broke out his recruiting skills to lure a stellar new coaching staff to Austin. In the long run, Terryl Austin and Paul Chryst balking at committing 100% could be the best thing to happen for the organization. The Longhorns ended up with two of the hottest up & comers as its new coordinator. Brian Harsin comes to Texas fresh off of running Boise St. high powered offense and will now we'll have a chance to see what happens when you combine that system with some of the top recruits in the country. He'll have play calling duties but also a highly respected and similarly up and coming co-offensive coordinator in Major Applewhite. Manny Diaz is a high energy DC who likes to get after the quarterback. He hasn't been through the battle Will Muschamp has but he definitely brings a similar energy. These new young coordinators plus new S&C coach Bennie Wylie should be the link Mack needs to connect with the younger players and get this thing turned around.



3. Seahawks v. Saints - Saturday's games will be remembered for Marshawn Lynch's incredible run in the 4th quarter of the Seahawk's game versus the Saints. The Saints still riding the wave of being America's sweethearts grossly underperformed on defense and couldn't complete the comeback. Like any good champ though they went down swinging in what turned out to be the shootout of the weekend. I personally thought Matt Hasselbeck had died of old age shortly after losing to the Steelers in the Super Bowl a few years ago. Apparently, I was wrong because even at 92 years old he was able to shred the Saints for 4 touchdown passes. So, now we have our first team with a losing record in the divisional round. I'll be pulling against the Seahawks mainly because of Pete Carroll. Personally, I don't have anything against Pete Carroll per se but he looks exactly like a guy who stiffed my wife and I for $10,000 of advertising work. So, until Pete changes his face, he can go fuck himself.

4. Rex Ryan - He finally got past his personal enemy, Peyton Manning. Thank God, the NFL is much more interesting with Rex Ryan still coaching and Peyton eliminated. Peyton will now have the entire off season to get that giant red spot on his forehead to subside. I don't dislike Peyton I've just had enough. Is there an irritating person he hasn't done an ad with yet. Justin Timberlake, check. Jim Nantz, check. Look out Bieber you're next.

5. Californication -That was probably the best way Californication could possibly kick off its fourth season. A little Carla Gugino makes everything better. I appreciate that they've decided to pretend season 3 never happened. The entire season was based on the chance to see Eva Amurri topless. And as great as that was, the internet has rendered that strategy for pulling viewers kind of moot. The premiere set the season up nicely for Hank to struggle legally with statutory rape charges, at home with the revelation that he slept with a 16 year old and professionally as he finds himself back in bed with that old devil, the film industry. BTW Sasha revealed that she really did have outstanding wares.

Bottom 5

1. NFL Playoff Sunday -The NFL could not have followed up a great pair of Saturday games with a less exciting set of games. The early game between was interesting for about a half before the Ravens began imposing their will on the Chiefs. The second game never really had a chance with Joe Buck involved. I don't know why FOX keeps a running a guy out there that is universally despised by everyone. Not only does he not bring anything to the broadcast, he actually detracts from it. He sucks the excitement from every compelling game he's involved with by just being himself. Aikman is a good analyst and is getting completely short changed by being hamstrung by the sports world's wet blanket. Maybe they could add Artie Lange to the booth to spice things up a bit. Better yet, if they could somehow team Buck with Steve Tasker, I could just eliminate that game from my weekend viewing all together. Free Troy Aikman.

2. Bob McNair - From the crappy Houston sports owner department comes this quote from Bob McNair “Generally, when you make any kind of change, you sort of hold your breath. You say, ‘Boy, I hope this works out.’" I know he said some other ridiculous things in that interview but this statement in particular really bothers me. Uncle Bob's quote further exemplifies a huge problem with the Texans organization. From the top down, they are so afraid to make bold moves or shake things up they would rather be content with just not sucking. If you think about it, that goes perfectly with Kubiak's playing not to lose play calling. Ironically Bob, that's exactly why you and your team does suck. So here we are Texans fans, stuck with an owner who holds his breath when he makes changes to his staff. Stuck with a head coach who plays not to lose, holds his breath and can't bear to watch as his team kicks game deciding field goals. Stuck with a GM who's shown no intestinal fortitude to make draft day moves to get the guy he wants or to spend the owners money to get that big time culture changing free agent. Just like Stealers Wheel sang  "clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right, here we are stuck in the middle again."

3. Aggies - If you follow me on twitter and you should because I'm fucking awesome, then you know that I declared the winner of the Cotton Bowl could officially claim the title of "Most Ridiculous Fans on the Planet." For about a quarter it looked like you guys really wanted that title but it really is hard to beat LSU fan when it comes to ridiculousness. Friday, I went out to eat and I'd say 2/3 of the people there were wearing either A&M or LSU gear. At the table next to us was a particularly disturbing family of LSUians. They were putting off a real inbred vibe and when they opened their mouth they did nothing to dispel that. Don't worry though Aggie fan you'll always be the Texas state champ in that department.

4. CFB exhibition season - Of the 35 or so exhibition games college football puts on in December and January, I will have watched three start to finish after tonight. If we do the math, that's about 8.5% And that's on you BCS. You put together a bunch of lackluster games, feature 6-6 teams, cheat the fans, cheat the players and steal from the Universities. I would say I hope you got what you wanted but of course you did. You got a bunch of state funded universities to pay you millions of dollars to allow them the honor to play in a meaningless game. Congrats I guess.

5. My sanity - A little back story. I hate the sound of people eating. When I was a kid, my brother and I would get into a fist fight every single morning before school. I didn't eat breakfast but he had to have a bowl of cereal. Unfortunately, he was unable to eat his cereal without smacking like an old Vietnamese lady. Cue the fight. A couple of decades later I was so proud of my 4 year old daughter when she came home to tell me she couldn't stand eating lunch at school because her friends were gross and couldn't eat with their mouths closed. Awesome. Now two years later, she has completely turned heel and likes to sit about 3 feet from my head and smack like a 12 year old with braces trying to eat taffy. This is getting brutal.