ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 3/14/11

Here's the power rankings. They're a day late but considering it's spring break, I'm surprised I didn't close the entire site and burn my laptop. I'll be heading to San Antonio this week so I'm sure next week's bottom five will fill up quickly.

Top 5

1. Kemba Walker - I don't watch a ton of college basketball but the conference tournaments were pretty good and Kemba Walker killed it in the Big East tourney. The UConn freshman did his best 2003 Carmelo Anthony impersonation and carried UConn to the Big East Title despite being the ninth seed and needing to win five games in five days. He averaged 26pts - 5 reb - 4 ast over the five day tourney to win Tournament MVP honors. I've got UConn making it to the round on eight in the NCAA tourney before being knocked off by my beloved Longhorns.

2. Buy Buy Buy - It's that time of year to buy as much stock in the makers of Gold Bond as possible. The days are getting warmer getting over 80 degrees here in Houston and with the warm weather comes the scourge of every man. It goes by many names Monkey Butt, Swamp Ass, Crotch Rott but regardless of what you call it, it will soon become a nuisance. Load up on powder fellas, switch to boxers or boxer briefs and prepare to go to battle again. Just at a warning, stay clear of the extra strength medicated powder. It burns in places you don't want burning.

3. Scott Conant - I sent this tweet out while watching an episode of Chopped last week "@LanceZierlein @heydannyv If you guys ever have Scott Conant on Southbound can you ask him where he studied to perfect his dickhead persona?" A few hours later I get a notification that it had been retweeted. By whom you might ask, Scott Conant himself. That right there made me do a 180 on what I thought of they guy. OK maybe a 165 but anyone who can either laugh at themselves or embraces the public perception of his or herself is alright in my book.

Long time readers may recall I made a similar tweet about Chef Michael Symon last year. I was tired of seeing Iron Chef America episodes with him. So I tweeted begging Food Network to please show an episode without him. He like many fringe celebrities obvious searches for mentions of his name and replied to me saying that wasn't cool and to take it easy on him. That is not how you change my perception of you. So if you're keeping score Scott Conant - Cool. Michael Symon - Not Cool.

Pengergast doppelganger Vic Makey

4. The Sean Pendergast Show - I've been a bit of a critic of The Sean Pendergast Show since its inception in January. I'm not a big fan of shows with a single host. I felt like he was spending too much time trying to be Travis Rodgers Now lite instead of crafting his own unique show. More than that though, there seemed to be a real disconnect between Sean's show and the rest of the 1560 station. Last week though it was as if a demon had been cast out and the old Sean that made the Sean & John show so enjoyable had returned. I found myself really enjoying what Sean was doing last week. Then came Thursday and his tournament updates from stringers across the country. It was absolute comic and radio genius. If you haven't hear them yet and have a few minutes to spend here's the links update 1, update 2, update 3, update 4, update 5, update 6, update 7, update 8. Welcome back Sean, I hope you're back to stay.

5. Ark Music Factory - I'm sure by now you've seen the video by Rebecca Black. It was featured on Tosh.0, Yahoo and John and Lance this morning. The bigger story is the company who made the video Ark Music Factory. They've made a ton of these videos and they're all equally awesomely terrible. It's an auto tuned cornucopia of untalented young girls singing ridiculous songs and schmaltzy videos. You can literally get lost for hours in their YouTube catalog. My fear is that the 6 million and counting hits of the Rebecca Black video will somehow alter the way they go about their business and we'll lose the magic touch that is Ark Music Factory.



More Ark Music Magic


Bottom 5

1. Quanell X - I don't comment much on political or racial topics because either I don't care or I don't know enough about the subject to form an opinion. However, as the father of a 6 year old girl the Cleveland, TX gang rape case is one that has grabbed my attention. In a case that involves all kinds of disgusting, horrible things, I thought Quanell X holding a rally for the men and boys accused of raping the 11 year old was one of the more disgusting, attentions seeking, pandering events. Look, I understand if you're the parent of one of the boys who did this, you have to support you child the best you can but this rally held by Quanell X in which he showed Facebook pictures of the girl dressed provocatively was way over the line. The message circulating around this rally was that the girl was either "asking for it" by the way she dressed or she lied about her age. What? She's 11. What did she look 13? does that make it OK? Does dressing inappropriately make it OK for 17 men some as old at 27 to have sex with an 11 year old? Come on. Hell may be a terrible place but it damn sure won't be a lonely place.

2. Gene Smith - Ohio St. AD Gene Smith had an outstanding week. First Yahoo broke the story that OSU head coach Jim Tressel had known about players selling memorabilia eight months before the NCAA found out about the infractions. Then he lied to the NCAA about his knowledge of the situation. So how does Gene Smith and the OSU brain trust punish their coach? They slapped him with a limp wet paper towel. Suspending him two games and $250K. How will OSU ever survive games against perennial powerhouses Akron and Toledo without their sweater vested leader?

If the Tressel punishment wasn't a big enough joke, Gene Smith was the chairman of the NCAA tournament selection committee. You know the committee that got everything but the four number 1 seeds wrong. He then went on national television to defend the committee selection process. This was a big mistake. Unless confusion and contradiction was the committees PR strategy. If that's the case then awesome job Mr. Smith. My friend and fellow blogger Tony Prock had a thing or two to say about Mr. Smith and his selection committee.

3. Rolling Stone - When I bought my tickets for the Old 97's I received a free subscription to Rolling Stone. I haven't bought the magazine in probably a decade and within a couple of issues I was reminded why. On the cover of the latest issue was none other that Snookie. Yeah that Snookie. The magazine that used to cover people like John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Neil Young and The Clash is now trying to sell me with a nasty four foot tall skank. No thanks. The worst part of all is that now that magazine is sitting in my bathroom ruining my most treasured time of all. Every time I take a trip to the throne to do a little reading or play some Words with Friends, there I am stuck looking at that disgusting saddle bag with hair. Thanks for the free issue RS but I think I'll be passing or continuing my subscription. Who knows maybe Playboy will offer me a free subscription with Courtney Love on the cover.

4. The NFL - We all know the NFL entered a lockout of the players last week. Now the PR barrage from both sides is coming in full force through the press, twitter and any other media outlet the NFL and NFLPA can get to tell their side of the story. Well let me tell my side. I don't give a shit what either of you have to say. Get to the damn table and hammer it out. The fans don't care who gets how much money as long as the ball gets kicked off in September. 50/50, 60/40 who cares, with $9 billion to divvy up there's plenty to go around. Hell what you ought to be doing it figuring out a way to give the season ticket holders and tax payers some of our money back.

5. Harbingers of Death - My distaste for Christmas and Halloween is well documented but now there's a new contender for my most hated time of year, Daylight savings time/spring break week. Lets talk about daylight savings first. Kids have no concept of time change so they keep trucking along on their own whacked out biological clocks when the time changes. So what you end up with is your 2 year old running around like a crazed jackal at 10:30 pm. Then your 6 year old is up at 5:30 waking everyone else up. I understand why they created DST to help farmers and the such but the last time I checked we're an urban nation now. Not many of us have kids who need to plow a field when they get home from school. How about we just pick one standard time and stick with it year round. I'd even be willing to split the difference with you and adjust the clocks 30 minutes if we can just leave it there.

Now spring break. How much am I hating spring break? Let me cover day 1. By 9am the 6 year old was already throwing a fit because she was bored. The 2 year old got into a bottle of stool softener, ate one of the capsules and then proceeded to vomit chocolate milk all over the house. There are no ruins left of the clean house the maid left me on Friday. While I was out of the room the 2 year old decided the 50" plasma was his gigantic coloring book and took a crayon to the screen. The 6 year old tried to balance her lunch plate on a 1" pipe and spilled it all over the play room. There is no less than 6,000 toys scattered between me and the front door. The 2 year old has bumped his enormous head no less than 1200 times. Worst of all, the wife and I spent March 14, Steak and BJ day eating peanut butter sandwiches and sleeping with the kids in separate bedrooms. Fuck you Mr. inventor of spring break.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/22/10

Top 5


1. Orange - There are very few things that can get me behind the Aggies but Bo Pelini is one. Wow, I've written this paragraph several times now and I just can't seem to muster the proper hate. Thanks, Longhorns that's what you and your crappy play has done to me this season. Not only have you sucked the enjoyment of UT games out of me but you've also killed my personal hate machine. I'm sure I'll find my hate before we get to DKR on Thursday night though.  We're also celebrating the orange of Oklahoma St. as they try to save us from having to see OU and their lip less coach in another Big 12 title game. Go Pokes. 


2. Astros Fans - Christmas came early for Astros fans. Last week Drayton McLane announced he was putting the Astros on the market. Maybe he got tired of seeing the guys he runs out of town in the World Series, Bob Watson (Yankees), Gerry Hunsicker (Rays), Nolan Ryan (Rangers). Maybe even he finally got tired of his whole fake "who wants to be a champion" act. I know the fans have been tired of it for years now. Uncle D did do some good things though so in the spirit of Thanksgiving, thanks for the World Series appearance, thanks for the playoff runs, thanks for the great stadium, thanks for letting us celebrate Biggio's career 77 times, also thanks for Carlos Lee's contract, thanks for $9 nachos, thanks for running the Oilers out of town, thanks for Tim Purpura, thanks for taking the farm system from #1 to #30. Mostly, we'd like to thank you for waiting two years to put the team on the market because we would have hated for a local icon like Nolan Ryan to buy the team.

3. The Eagles - They're no Don Henley, Glen Frey and Joe Walsh but Mike Vick, DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy are the most exciting team in the NFL right now. I don't know if they have the defense or the football IQ on offense to win the Super Bowl but they definitely have enough to challenge in the NFC. As a Texans fan, I fully expect the Eagles to put up at least 60 points on the Texans pathetic pass defense. DeSean Jackson getting 15-20 yards of separation on Kareem Jackson isn't a possibility, it's a probability. The biggest issue I foresee is if both the Eagles and the Steelers  make it to the Super Bowl, who do you root for? The dog executioner or the sexual assaulter? As a dog owner and lover I find it very hard to root for Vick but the thought of pulling for Rapelisberger just makes my skin crawl.

4. Boardwalk Empire - Man, this weeks episode had it all. Arnold Rothstein coolly putting the Philly boys in their place. Al Capone having a moment of clarity during a bar mitzvah. Eddie really feeling it after saving Nucky's life. Van Alden hitting the sauce then hitting a very saucy Lucy. And the coup de grace was Chalky choking a bitch out after finding out he was the person responsible for the lynching of one of his men. Excellent episode.



5. Kids & Art -My wife and I like to expose our kids to as much art and culture as possible. Our daughter, Audrey loves art. She loves looking at, learning about and creating art. She's pretty good too. So last week we a had a pretty successful week when her class went on a field trip to the MFAH to see the German Impressionists and the African Ife exhibits. Then on Saturday we took Audrey and Cash to Via Colori. The Via Colori street paintings were pretty incredible and there was plenty food and activities to keep the kids happy. For a $10 donation you could get your kid a 2ft square and pastels for them to paint themselves. Audrey promptly made a mess of herself in the process of painting her square. In hindsight maybe doing that first wasn't the best idea. Ultimately, we had a great day out and didn't have to spend a lot of money to have a great time.

Audrey got a tattoo of the logo her mama created for Via Colori

 









Bottom 5

1. Bo Pelini - It did not take long for his act to grow tired did it? We get it you're intense. You wear sweatshirts and you're intense. You chomp gum and you're intense. Your brother attacks cameramen and you're intense. You bitch about refs and you're intense. Yeah, so there were some calls that went against you but superior teams find a way to get past the calls. Disciplined teams don't make those penalties in the first place. You think Saturday was bad? Wait until you're playing a night game at the Horseshoe. Listen Bo, just do us a favor stop crying, stop embarrassing your players on national television, stop letting your brother act like an a-hole and stop losing to teams from Texas. Oh never mind that last part, Dr. Tom and the Big 10 already took care of that.

2. Saturday Breakfast - As I've stated before, we go out for Saturday breakfast every week at Harris County Smokehouse. Seriously, they have the best buttermilk pancakes in town. We've got a problem though. For years I could count on them playing some sweet old cowboy music. The restaurant was always full of Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins and all those great old country songs. A few weeks ago someone decided they needed to start playing top 40 country. This is a huge problem. That music sucks and is sucking the fluff and flavor out of my pancakes. I need my weekly dose of family breakfast and I need someone with the skill and magic of HCS to make it but I can't possibly tolerate being sonically tortured for an hour during the process. Please bring back the man in black.

3. VY - Let's get this straight, I love Vince Young. I'll never forget 4th & 5. I'll never forget the best college football player I've ever seen. Unfortunately, it appears for as talented as he is, he's equally immature. There have long been rumors of his lack of work ethic and of course the infamous six on the Wonderlic test. I doubt even Mack Brown believes Vince will win two Super Bowls or come anywhere near the Hall of Fame. At 27, he's a man not a kid. Jeff Fisher is doing the right thing by not coddling him anymore. He's been pampered and told he was great enough for three lifetimes. We'll see if Bud Adams allows Jeff Fisher to give Vince the ass kicking he needs and deserves. If so, hopefully losing his job and possibly team will knock some sense into him much like being run out of Carolina did for Kerry Collins. Vince you were great and every UT fan appreciates what you did while in Austin but your act is tired and you're quickly becoming the worst kind of joke.

4. Reality Show Finales - I rarely watch any shows live. It's much easier to fast forward past commercials or terrible story lines, yeah I'm looking at you Buatista and La Guerta. However, my wife does watch live television while she's working at night and this is where we run into a problem. Just as it had with the Project Runway finale, I happened to be walking through the bedroom at the exact moment they announced the winner for Next Iron Chef. Unfortunately for me, I was just starting the show and still a good 50 minutes behind. Yeah that's right, two shows, two finales and two huge fails on my part. The only consolation was that I had lost a little interest in the Next Iron Chef a couple weeks ago when Bryan Caswell was eliminated. At least my mistake with finding out the ending wasn't nearly as big as Iron Chef cutting Caswell.

5. Thursday Night Football - I want to go on record as not being a fan of a weekly Thursday night game. I'm all for the occasional game and Thanksgiving games but a weekly game unnecesarialy mucks up my Thursday night viewing. One college game mixed with my normal Thursday night television is plenty. On top of that, the announcing team for the NFL network is left of terrible. Bob Papa is fine as a play by play guy but the rest of the team isn't doing him any favors. Didn't we kill Joe Theismann off a few years ago when Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? For the life of me I can't remember anyone clamoring to have him back on their TV. The best thing I can say for Matt Millen is that he's a better television analyst than he was a GM but then again he did GM a team to a 0-16 record.