ApdeDonkey Power Rankings - 2/28/11

Top 5

1. Stroke Victims - 2011 Year of the Stroke. Remember that as the months roll by. First we had Fox rolling out Dick Clark on New Years Eve to bring in 2011. Sure he was a full three minutes behind the rest of the crowd but it was a triumph. Then we had Kirk Douglas bringing the Oscar broadcast to a screeching halt Sunday night like no one has since Jack Palance was doing one handed push-ups and bench pressing Billy Crystal. Douglas' presenting of the Best Supporting Actress award was merely the primer though. That completely spontaneous tug of war with his cane was brilliant television. The real magic happened as he aimlessly wandered the stage while Melissa Leo as she tried to give her acceptance speech. No wonder she dropped a F-bomb on broadcast. You try concentrating while a corpse circles you looking for a soul to reap. I have know doubt Colin Firth would have lost to Jeff Bridges a second year in a row if the Coen's had been more explicit with the obvious fact that Rooster Cogburn was a stroke survivor. There's no other explanation for why he talked like that right?

2. Charlie Sheen - I did my best to keep Chuck Sheen out of the power rankings but we're seeing a once in a generation type of meltdown. This guy has gone so far off the tracks his girlfriend, goddess, fluid receptacle, porn star Bree Olsen comes off as the sane, rational one in the relationship. The guy has obviously come unhinged but I'm down with some of his ideas. A porn house? I think it's brilliant. In fact, I think he should make it a joint venture with Lindsey Lohan and her rehab clinic. Hell, I think you bring in a doctor specializing in breast augmentation, anal bleaching and vaginal reconstruction. Rename the complex Gomorrah and we can probably contain hepatitis and herpes in one central location. I must admit though I was stunned that Charlie's interview with Piers Morgan ended without him pulling out his rifle from Platoon and sharing a little Magic Charlie with Piers Sgt. Elias style.

3. Tom Hooper - Yaaaaay. Great Job. You didn't ruin The King's Speech so here's a big trophy to remind you of that. Whatever. I don't know what this guy did that made him the "Best Director." I know he made a good movie, maybe even a very good movie but there were probably a hundred other directors who could have done as good a job with that script.  I'm still waiting for the wow moment in the movie. I don't think it's coming though. Fincher and Aronofsky took difficult subjects and made them interesting. Hooper took a historically significant moment and made it OK. Maybe I'm just expecting too much out of a "Best ______" award. They gave Sandra Bullock and the producers of Crash trophies too.

4. Shameless - If you're not watching Shameless then you're missing out on some great television right now. The show got off to a slow start trying to define the characters especially William H. Macy's Frank Gallagher. Now the show is an extra bases machine. The writing in strong, the acting is powerful and the characters interesting. If that's not enough Emmy Rossum or Shanola Hampton are getting nude in every episode. What more do you need?




5. This Kid - He's nearly two now and like most little boys loves cars and trucks. Being only two though he can't really pronounce all his letters. So whenever we're out and he sees a truck he starts excitingly screaming "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" And that Mr. Sheen is Winning.







Bottom 5

1. Oscars - Congratulations to the Academy Awards for hitting the boring broadcast/ predictable results exacta. The James Franco/ Anne Hathaway experiment was a huge miss. There's a reason they normally hire comedians to host shows like that. It was almost as if Bruce Vilanch was writing the jokes. Right. Never mind. The awards themselves provided an equal amount of drama. The best I can remember, I think every single favorite walked away with the award. There probably would have been more buzz over Melissa Leo say "fucking" on the show but I think everyone was either asleep or had been forced to change the channel because they couldn't watch the Kirk Douglas train wreck anymore. Personally, I think if they want to put a little magic back into the broadcast next year, they should let Spartacus and the guy from American Bandstand host the entire thing. It might take 34 hours to get through all the awards but it will definitely be interesting.

2. Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus - A few months ago I blogged about the McTurd and how something that looks like that not only gets produced but featured on a poster. How does the McDonalds dynasty follow up the McTurd with a wrap that is literally one letter away from being named the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Butthole. Either the McDonalds marketing department is now employing thirteen year olds or they know the franchise is indestructible and they've just decided "Fuck it. I can't wait for the McBooger's release in the fall.

3. Son of Crypt Keeper - Wow. I don't know if you've caught Russell Brand's act lately but dude is not looking good. He always had a bit of the black hair goth look going but now he looks like he's purchased a controlling stake in the Oakland Raiders. Al Davis hasn't completely drained him of his life force but you can definitely tell he's supplementing his diet of unicorn blood with a little Brand. You're in LA brother, get some sun, a little vitamin d.

4. Parking Lots - The small number of people who aren't already morons become complete morons as soon as they enter a parking lot. This includes moron families who find it necessary to walk 0.5 mph down the middle of the driveways. Now the people who design parking lots have decided to increase the level of difficulty. It seems like every mall or strip center now has an auto gauntlet you must traverse before you can get a frosty or a new pair of jeans. Maybe the people designing these winding mazes of one way drives, insufficiently sized spots and labyrinth of blind spots don't drive. Maybe they don't understand the average driver can't even figure out a basic grid much less the logic puzzle you're now putting them through. Let me be the first to thank you, Mr. Parking Lot Designer for the hours spent in the body shop and my new insurance rates.

5. The food service industry - I don't know what kind of tax breaks you get for hiring the mentally challenged but the restaurants out here in Cypress are making a killing off of that racket. I can't go out to eat without a completely incompetent human fucking up my meal. I've had a ton of friends who've waited or still wait tables and I know shit gets busy but even the slightest acknowledgment that you're ruining my day would go a long way. Telling me how the waiter wrote my order down doesn't count as fixing it. That's only further confirmation of what a dipshit he is but now I know what an idiot prick you are as well. Mr. Can't Write Shit Down Correctly was slightly higher on my list of dumb shits that the girl who finally ran my check card 30 minutes after I told her to bring the check. Even if me actually say the words "can I get the check?" wasn't enough clue for you, surely my kids going ape shit crazy out of boredom should have clued you in on the urgency. I wouldn't expect you to figure out that the table with empty glasses and no plates in front of them is ready to leave. That would take deductive thinking.