ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/3/11

Before I get to the power rankings this week, I wanted to say a few things about the Sean and John Show which came to an end last week on 1560 the game. I was listening when they guys broadcasted their very first segment and I was listening when Cade Dear Sistered them to close the final show. In between, they gave us more than three years of very good radio. The show lost something for me when the Dusty Rhodes open was so unceremoniously ripped from our lives. I grew a little weary of some of the guests during college football Wednesday but I never missed a Game 7. If I was in the car with my wife and the Game 7 came on she would stop and say I'll wait til the Game 7 is over. That's a good woman and a good segment.

ApeDonkey has two connections with the Sean and John Show. The first is when Sean screamed down my 11 month old when I emailed in to tell them how he was dancing every time Kyle played the S&J version of Brando's email song. The guys were so frustrated at that point that when I emailed them Sean went off on my poor unsuspecting baby and told me I should just go out and get him some 20 sided dice now because he's going to need them in the future. The second is that the ApeDonkey power rankings are partially inspired by the Seinfeldian Mock Draft. Just as the guys pointed out that you can mock draft anything, I figured you can rank just about anything and so was the power rankings were born.

Thanks again guys for three plus enjoyable years and I wish you much success with your new shows.

Top 5

1. ApeDonkey -I started this blog last April while I was burning through DVD after DVD of Lost seasons. I had been reading Danny's Diatribes for a while and thought "I've heard that dude on the radio, he's not that smart. I can do that." I've been lucky enough to see my blog hits increase each month with December being the biggest month yet with more than 1600 hits. Much of the increase can be attributed to some great readers who have commented, retweeted and recommended the blog to others. I want to thank @heydannyv, @nikvzierlein, @SteveintheKT, @jaydirt1560, @bcstagg, @lancezierlein, @tonyprock and @cockshittington. All are must follows on Twitter. I hope I haven't missed anyone but if I did, Thanks.


Since I started this blog the Texans, Longhorns and 1560 the game have been the most frequent subjects outside of TV and movies. I've reviewed 91 movies, written 6 posts that never saw the light of day and 1 that caused so much trouble in my family I had to take it down. I've been given a laundry list of subjects I'm not to write about by my wife. My wife reads the blog just to make sure I haven't written about her love affair with Olive Garden salad & bread sticks. 

I intend to post more often in the new year and I hope you'll all continue to read.

2. 1560 The Game - Last week I wrote a blog post questioning some of the recent moves by 1560 The Game. A couple of the guys from 1560 contacted me through twitter and the blog to explain the lineup changes. I thought that was really cool and classy of them. Just another example of how much they care about their listeners and the listeners' opinions.

After last week's post, I thought it was my duty to listen to all the shows today and I think overall it was a great success. John & Lance did their thing before giving way to Harris and Raheel who I thought had an excellent debut. I also enjoyed the bleed over between the two shows. The Sean Pendergast Show was a bit of a let down but I think that may have been a result of Jim Ross being the first thing I heard once I got my stream back up and running. Not my favorite guest. The Spencer Tillman, Dan Pastorini interview was very good. After a first segment in which Travis came out of the gate like he'd just done a speed ball with a meth chaser, he settled in and put together a good show.

I don't know if the new lineup is going to be a success but I do feel a lot better about it today than I did last week.

3. Parents everywhere - The second most important day of the year for parents. The first is the first day of school. The second is the day kids go back to school after the holiday break. Kids are great and I have a lot of fun with mine but I'm ready to get them the hell out of here. Thank God buses start running again tomorrow and kids go back to school. This year I came to the realization that kids are off for the holidays roughly a week and a half too long. Hey Pres. Obama how about we get to working on that year round school thing.

4. McDonald's - You won't catch me saying good things about giant corporations like McDonald's often but I'm making an exception today. While other fast food joints are trying to make up for rising food cost by raising drink prices disproportionately to their food prices, McDonald's actually lowered theirs. I have a serious iced tea addiction and being able to get a large for just $1 has been a godsend. Places like Chick-fil-a and the like are charging about $1.80 for a large these days. Way too much. I don't like supporting soulless entities like McDonald's but at that price I'll sell just a bit of my soul.





5. The end of the holidays - I bag on the Christmas holidays a lot and that's mostly because I don't like them. I do find Christmas enjoyable when there are babies around. I am the baby whisperer. No crying baby stands a chance at staying upset if I'm around. I think this is a result of my body being very much like a giant cushy baby recliner combined with the fact that I don't piss them off with ridiculous baby talk. I'd open a daycare for kids under 2 but people tend to distrust a man's ability to handle the job. This year was exceptionally good with a total of 4 kids under the age of 2 at Christmas. I'm pretty sure everyone in my family is done having kids now so this is probably the last great Christmas I'll have for the next 25 years until I become a grandfather.

Bottom 5

1. Sports in 2010 -The 2010 sports year started in earnest with the Longhorns fifth play from scrimmage. As I watched Colt McCoy on the ground writhing in pain, I had no idea the shit spiral this sports year would take. The Longhorns lost. The Astros sucked. The Rockets sucked. The Longhorns sucked. The Texans sucked. I had to watch evil creatures like Kobe and Saban victoriously raise championship trophies. Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt were traded away. Yao Ming proved that Chinese peanut brittle is not the strongest brittle of all. Ugh, I done with this year. I can't wait for 2011.

2. Dan Graziano - Congrats to Dan Graziano for writing the single most idiotic piece about why he won't vote for Jeff Bagwell in the Hall of Fame. Basically, he says even though Bagwell produced offensive numbers that put him in a select group of baseball players, he won't vote for him just in case years down the line it is revealed that Bagwell did PED's. Well Holy Shit Dan, you might not want to drive to the store, you might get into an accident. Never mind that Bagwell never failed a test, didn't show up on the Mitchell Report nor were their rampant rumors of use during his playing days. I'm not naive enough to think he probably didn't use but I'm also not dumb enough to not think everyone was on PEDs during that era. Jason Grimsley was busted with the stuff for God's sake. If you are going to argue that you can't vote for Bags just in case then you shouldn't vote for anyone who played over the last 20 years.

Razzball had a very good article on Bagwell's HOF credentials.

3. Bowl Games - I am absolutely bored with these exhibition games. The Rose Bowl is the only game I've watched from start to finish. The rest of the bowl lineup was so lackluster that I haven't even tried to get into them. I'm sure I've missed some decent games and apparently some controversial endings but ultimately they're still just exhibition games and don't mean anything. I'm looking forward to the Auburn/Oregon game and will probably watch the Cotton Bowl. By the way, how ridiculous is playing the Cotton Bowl on a Friday night a week after the new year? Playoff people. Playoff.

4. Kobayashi - How the hell are we supposed to go on without the man who represents Keyser Söze? Do yourself a favor and honor Pete Postlethwaite by watching The Usual Suspects and In The Name of the Father today.

5. Houston Texans fans - Remember back in the 90's when we all made fun of the Redskins when they kept bringing Norv Turner back year after year even though it was apparent to everyone he lacked the skills it takes to be a successful head coach? WE ARE THE REDSKINS. Remember last season when we all laughed at the bumbling Cowboys head coach? HE'S THE LEADING CANDIDATE TO BE OUR DC. Your 2011 Houston Texans folks.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/29/10

Top 5



1. Andre Johnson - How great was Dre's day? Let's see. Set an NFL record for being the first receiver to catch 60+ balls in their first 8 seasons. Check. Catch a touchdown to help your team beat one of your biggest rivals. Check. Lay a beat down on the love child of Josh Koscheck and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Check Check.

2. Nevada - God bless Nevada. You blessed creatures have saved us all from a month of Boise St. overload. I actually gave up on Nevada at halftime when the game was at 24-7. Boise was moving the ball at will and Nevada just didn't seem up to the task. Thankfully I was wrong about Nevada and Boise showed they were not above choking away a lead. Thanks again Nevada and thank you Kyle Brotzman.

3. Terriers -If you haven't been watching Terriers this season then you need to fix that. Terriers is my run away choice for drama rookie of the year. I find the story lines better than Boardwalk Empire and the performances better than Justified. I know there have been rumors of it meeting the same fate as that other rookie, Rubicon. I don't want to face losing another of my favorite shows because you people aren't smart enough to watch it.

4. Antidepressants - To say I'm not a Christmas person would be more than a small understatement. I've always been a bit too socially awkward to be comfortable and much to self indulgent to care how that made others feel. Even as a kid I didn't enjoy Christmas. I never seemed to have the right reaction to a gift and couldn't fake small talk well enough to put others at ease. Now, I'm able to get through the Christmas because I have kids and antidepressants. The kids help me enjoy Christmas because it's about them and their happiness makes me happy. The antidepressants help me deal with everyone else who actually enjoys Christmas.

5. Texas high school football playoffs - I went to my first high school football game since 2002 Saturday night and had a great time. I got a chance to see some people I hadn't seen in years. I mostly hung out with some of my brother's old crew and these boys made the game that much better. The mighty Roughnecks were able to overcome a disastrous second half to advance to the class 3A semi finals. As fate would have it, the Roughnecks are playing at the Berry Center again this week. I've already made my plans to be there. I just need to send Mondo a message to save me seat so I can watch it with those nuts again.

Bottom 5

1. Boise St. - Poor, Poor Boise, this was a tough week, wasn't it. First, they see all their hopes and dreams get flushed down the drain when they choked away the Nevada game. Then, just when things couldn't get worse, TCU bolts for the Big East. Remember a few months ago when you left the WAC to join Utah, BYU and TCU in the Mountain West. That didn't quite work out did it. Now, I'm a well documented hater of BSU but not for the reasons you think. I'm all for the little guy rising up to shake the system. I'm just not for Boise being that little guy. Their fans are insufferable. When you watch a Boise game the first thing you notice is the striking similarities between Boise and Utah Jazz fan, white, angry and way too self important. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see them do a pass interference call in unison. I know you want to be a player and as long as Chris Peterson is there you might just be. Just know that most of us hate you. So, stop being angry, stop playing most of your games on weekdays, get yourself into a real conference and most importantly get rid of that stupid blue turf.

2. College Voters - I'm probably the last person you'll hear defending Texas A&M but even I find it completely ridiculous that they fell in every single poll this week. They have been on a six game winning streak that included beating Oklahoma, Nebraska and finally arch rival Texas. Yes, Texas sucked this season but I was at that game and from the second half kick on the outcome was never in doubt. Still their victory over UT was so unimpressive that AP voters actually dropped them two spots from 17 to 19. As a result, they will have to watch two of the teams they beat over that past month play for the Big 12 Championship. Just another feather in the cap for college football legitimacy.


3. Kiddie Park - So I was told this was a San Antonio icon. Now if you follow me on twitter, you are well aware of my disdain for the city of San Antonio. I find it to be one of the saddest places on earth. Anyway, this is about Kiddie Park. So let me set the scene. If you grew up in Houston picture Peppermint Park but outside. If not just imagine a scaled down version of a traveling carnival with rides only for kids 1-10 years old. Now, age that carnival 100 years. Place it between a row of crack houses and a ravine to dump any dead bodies. Then hire the inhabitants of said crack houses to run and maintain the rides. Now, before you let your kids ride anything, cover everything with a nice glaze of tetanus and communicable disease. That is Kiddie Park, San Antonio icon.

4. Sgt. Malarkey & Agent Sebso - Poor Sgt. Malarkey we barely got to know you. You came into our lives and let Jordan Chase tell you what to do. Then the next thing you know, you wake up shrink wrapped to a table in a meticulously built kill room with the woman you raped and tortured ready to jam a very large knife in to your heart. Goodbye. You, Agent Sebso we knew a little longer but it was a bad day for you as well. You mistake was not following your instincts to transfer out of Jersey. Instead, you follow that lunatic Van Alden down to the river and beyond all reason let him baptize you. Huh? I know this won't help you now but if a crazy person asks to let him dunk you under water, don't.

5. Green Lantern - We have a new candidate for worst movie ever made. I saw the trailer the other day and Wow. That movie looks terrible. I mean like Dare Devil terrible, Ashton Kutcher movie terrible. I've got an idea for Hollywood. How about you try casting a good actor in one of these parts? Ryan Reynolds? Really? You do realize he was once the star of something called Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Parlor.

Eat A D*ck and Chocolate Bars

Every week someone or something pisses you off to the point of wanting to pound it to dust. At the very least you want to tell it to Eat A Dick. You need a place to vent. Hell, I need more than one place to vent. I need an entire planet to vent. Let this be your place. Feel free to leave a comment telling me all the people, places and things you want to Eat A Dick. You may even want to tell me to Eat A Dick. Good. I promise I deserve it.

Well, I can't think of a better time to do that than on a Monday. In Fact, let's get this started by telling Monday to Eat A Dick.

Monday can Eat A Dick.  It's Monday nuff said.

Brett Favre can Eat A Dick. I would like to blame myself for waiting until the later rounds to take a quarterback but I've seen you play. Yes, you do need training camp. You do need to run drills with your receivers. No losing Sidney Rice is not an excuse. Yes you are ruining my fantasy football team. No you aren't bigger than the game or the franchise. Yes your coach looks and acts like Mr. Noodle. No this does not give you an excuse for being a giant suck hole.

Lowes and any other store that already has Christmas crap out can Eat A Dick. Really? You do realize it's September. Can you at least wait until the temperature drops below 90 before you want me to buy a wreath for my door?

Gary Kubiak's vagina can Eat A Dick. I'm thrilled the Texans beat the Redskins but Kubiak has shown on more than one occasion a penchant for clinching the old sphincter in critical moments. More than once we've all seen him play it safe and Sunday was no different. I know a 52 yard field goal is no gimme but on the road you have to go for the win when it's there. The end result does not excuse you for not kicking it in the first place.

The Dallas Cowboys and all their fans can Eat A Dick. This is Dallas hate week. Now don't get me wrong, every week is Dallas hate week but this one has a special significance. The Cowpokes are coming to town and the Texans are going to stomp a mudhole in them.

I don't want this to be all negative though. Let's hand out some chocolate bars to those people and things that have filled our hearts with joy over the past week.

Andre Johnson. You can have as many chocolate bars as you want. You sir are a stud.

Gary Kubiak. You get a chocolate bar for your genius icing the kicker timeout. It saved your ass.

Rubicon. You and your entire staff get chocolate bars. This show is getting better with every episode. Kale is becoming a television favorite of mine to the point that I'm becoming a little gay for him. I sincerely hope all you dip shits who've yet to get up on this show, correct that problem soon. If this gets canceled because you're not watching, I'm gonna hate you for a very long time.

Iron & Wine. Chocolate bar to you for finally scheduling a show in Houston. Sam Beam and company will be making an appearance at Fitzgerald's in November.


That is all for this week. Now everyone go out and show a Cowboys fan just how much you hate them.