ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/10/11

Top 5

1. Auburn vs. Oregon - I refuse to call it by that other game since that title was assigned and not earned. However, I've been looking forward to this game since mid October. I believe I predicted a 85-81 game back then but I think the layoff will cause some rust so I'm lowering my expectations to a 73-68 game. We've got the best player in CFB going against the best offense in CFB. I can't wait. I don't have a dog in the fight, so I hadn't decided which team to pull for yet. My son's favorite animal is a duck, so my daughter decided she was pulling for Oregon. She then begged me to pull for Oregon too so I guess I'm a Pac-10 guy tonight. Besides no one really wants the SEC to win a 5 straight national title right?

2. Mack Brown - My man Mack broke out his recruiting skills to lure a stellar new coaching staff to Austin. In the long run, Terryl Austin and Paul Chryst balking at committing 100% could be the best thing to happen for the organization. The Longhorns ended up with two of the hottest up & comers as its new coordinator. Brian Harsin comes to Texas fresh off of running Boise St. high powered offense and will now we'll have a chance to see what happens when you combine that system with some of the top recruits in the country. He'll have play calling duties but also a highly respected and similarly up and coming co-offensive coordinator in Major Applewhite. Manny Diaz is a high energy DC who likes to get after the quarterback. He hasn't been through the battle Will Muschamp has but he definitely brings a similar energy. These new young coordinators plus new S&C coach Bennie Wylie should be the link Mack needs to connect with the younger players and get this thing turned around.



3. Seahawks v. Saints - Saturday's games will be remembered for Marshawn Lynch's incredible run in the 4th quarter of the Seahawk's game versus the Saints. The Saints still riding the wave of being America's sweethearts grossly underperformed on defense and couldn't complete the comeback. Like any good champ though they went down swinging in what turned out to be the shootout of the weekend. I personally thought Matt Hasselbeck had died of old age shortly after losing to the Steelers in the Super Bowl a few years ago. Apparently, I was wrong because even at 92 years old he was able to shred the Saints for 4 touchdown passes. So, now we have our first team with a losing record in the divisional round. I'll be pulling against the Seahawks mainly because of Pete Carroll. Personally, I don't have anything against Pete Carroll per se but he looks exactly like a guy who stiffed my wife and I for $10,000 of advertising work. So, until Pete changes his face, he can go fuck himself.

4. Rex Ryan - He finally got past his personal enemy, Peyton Manning. Thank God, the NFL is much more interesting with Rex Ryan still coaching and Peyton eliminated. Peyton will now have the entire off season to get that giant red spot on his forehead to subside. I don't dislike Peyton I've just had enough. Is there an irritating person he hasn't done an ad with yet. Justin Timberlake, check. Jim Nantz, check. Look out Bieber you're next.

5. Californication -That was probably the best way Californication could possibly kick off its fourth season. A little Carla Gugino makes everything better. I appreciate that they've decided to pretend season 3 never happened. The entire season was based on the chance to see Eva Amurri topless. And as great as that was, the internet has rendered that strategy for pulling viewers kind of moot. The premiere set the season up nicely for Hank to struggle legally with statutory rape charges, at home with the revelation that he slept with a 16 year old and professionally as he finds himself back in bed with that old devil, the film industry. BTW Sasha revealed that she really did have outstanding wares.

Bottom 5

1. NFL Playoff Sunday -The NFL could not have followed up a great pair of Saturday games with a less exciting set of games. The early game between was interesting for about a half before the Ravens began imposing their will on the Chiefs. The second game never really had a chance with Joe Buck involved. I don't know why FOX keeps a running a guy out there that is universally despised by everyone. Not only does he not bring anything to the broadcast, he actually detracts from it. He sucks the excitement from every compelling game he's involved with by just being himself. Aikman is a good analyst and is getting completely short changed by being hamstrung by the sports world's wet blanket. Maybe they could add Artie Lange to the booth to spice things up a bit. Better yet, if they could somehow team Buck with Steve Tasker, I could just eliminate that game from my weekend viewing all together. Free Troy Aikman.

2. Bob McNair - From the crappy Houston sports owner department comes this quote from Bob McNair “Generally, when you make any kind of change, you sort of hold your breath. You say, ‘Boy, I hope this works out.’" I know he said some other ridiculous things in that interview but this statement in particular really bothers me. Uncle Bob's quote further exemplifies a huge problem with the Texans organization. From the top down, they are so afraid to make bold moves or shake things up they would rather be content with just not sucking. If you think about it, that goes perfectly with Kubiak's playing not to lose play calling. Ironically Bob, that's exactly why you and your team does suck. So here we are Texans fans, stuck with an owner who holds his breath when he makes changes to his staff. Stuck with a head coach who plays not to lose, holds his breath and can't bear to watch as his team kicks game deciding field goals. Stuck with a GM who's shown no intestinal fortitude to make draft day moves to get the guy he wants or to spend the owners money to get that big time culture changing free agent. Just like Stealers Wheel sang  "clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right, here we are stuck in the middle again."

3. Aggies - If you follow me on twitter and you should because I'm fucking awesome, then you know that I declared the winner of the Cotton Bowl could officially claim the title of "Most Ridiculous Fans on the Planet." For about a quarter it looked like you guys really wanted that title but it really is hard to beat LSU fan when it comes to ridiculousness. Friday, I went out to eat and I'd say 2/3 of the people there were wearing either A&M or LSU gear. At the table next to us was a particularly disturbing family of LSUians. They were putting off a real inbred vibe and when they opened their mouth they did nothing to dispel that. Don't worry though Aggie fan you'll always be the Texas state champ in that department.

4. CFB exhibition season - Of the 35 or so exhibition games college football puts on in December and January, I will have watched three start to finish after tonight. If we do the math, that's about 8.5% And that's on you BCS. You put together a bunch of lackluster games, feature 6-6 teams, cheat the fans, cheat the players and steal from the Universities. I would say I hope you got what you wanted but of course you did. You got a bunch of state funded universities to pay you millions of dollars to allow them the honor to play in a meaningless game. Congrats I guess.

5. My sanity - A little back story. I hate the sound of people eating. When I was a kid, my brother and I would get into a fist fight every single morning before school. I didn't eat breakfast but he had to have a bowl of cereal. Unfortunately, he was unable to eat his cereal without smacking like an old Vietnamese lady. Cue the fight. A couple of decades later I was so proud of my 4 year old daughter when she came home to tell me she couldn't stand eating lunch at school because her friends were gross and couldn't eat with their mouths closed. Awesome. Now two years later, she has completely turned heel and likes to sit about 3 feet from my head and smack like a 12 year old with braces trying to eat taffy. This is getting brutal.

Friday Quick Hitters - 1/7/11

That thud you heard was Big Bang Theory hitting rock bottom last night.

What's going on with all these shootings on Grey's Anatomy? Alice in Chains always made Seattle seem like such a beautiful, happy place to live.

Every other college football program needs to remember this: You're just borrowing your best coordinators until The University of Texas is ready for them.

Dream Team?

What is it about interviews that scares the hell out of Gary Kubiak? This is the third DC he's hired without interviewing any other candidates.

The Larry Sanders Show, The Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show with Bob & David thank you IFC.

I'm 98% sure my 20 month old is rebelling against wearing pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear any.

I'm glad to see McDonald's has finally embraced the quality of their food and introduced the McTurd.

I'm on your side Andrew. I'd stay at Stanford too instead of facing the prospect of being teammates with Jimmy Clausen.

Someone just told me College Football's exhibition season is still going on. Really? I had no idea. When does the game that matters happen?

Yeah I screwed up making Brandon Roy one of my fantasy basketball keepers but I think that first round pick Blake Griffin is going to work out ok.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/3/11

Before I get to the power rankings this week, I wanted to say a few things about the Sean and John Show which came to an end last week on 1560 the game. I was listening when they guys broadcasted their very first segment and I was listening when Cade Dear Sistered them to close the final show. In between, they gave us more than three years of very good radio. The show lost something for me when the Dusty Rhodes open was so unceremoniously ripped from our lives. I grew a little weary of some of the guests during college football Wednesday but I never missed a Game 7. If I was in the car with my wife and the Game 7 came on she would stop and say I'll wait til the Game 7 is over. That's a good woman and a good segment.

ApeDonkey has two connections with the Sean and John Show. The first is when Sean screamed down my 11 month old when I emailed in to tell them how he was dancing every time Kyle played the S&J version of Brando's email song. The guys were so frustrated at that point that when I emailed them Sean went off on my poor unsuspecting baby and told me I should just go out and get him some 20 sided dice now because he's going to need them in the future. The second is that the ApeDonkey power rankings are partially inspired by the Seinfeldian Mock Draft. Just as the guys pointed out that you can mock draft anything, I figured you can rank just about anything and so was the power rankings were born.

Thanks again guys for three plus enjoyable years and I wish you much success with your new shows.

Top 5

1. ApeDonkey -I started this blog last April while I was burning through DVD after DVD of Lost seasons. I had been reading Danny's Diatribes for a while and thought "I've heard that dude on the radio, he's not that smart. I can do that." I've been lucky enough to see my blog hits increase each month with December being the biggest month yet with more than 1600 hits. Much of the increase can be attributed to some great readers who have commented, retweeted and recommended the blog to others. I want to thank @heydannyv, @nikvzierlein, @SteveintheKT, @jaydirt1560, @bcstagg, @lancezierlein, @tonyprock and @cockshittington. All are must follows on Twitter. I hope I haven't missed anyone but if I did, Thanks.


Since I started this blog the Texans, Longhorns and 1560 the game have been the most frequent subjects outside of TV and movies. I've reviewed 91 movies, written 6 posts that never saw the light of day and 1 that caused so much trouble in my family I had to take it down. I've been given a laundry list of subjects I'm not to write about by my wife. My wife reads the blog just to make sure I haven't written about her love affair with Olive Garden salad & bread sticks. 

I intend to post more often in the new year and I hope you'll all continue to read.

2. 1560 The Game - Last week I wrote a blog post questioning some of the recent moves by 1560 The Game. A couple of the guys from 1560 contacted me through twitter and the blog to explain the lineup changes. I thought that was really cool and classy of them. Just another example of how much they care about their listeners and the listeners' opinions.

After last week's post, I thought it was my duty to listen to all the shows today and I think overall it was a great success. John & Lance did their thing before giving way to Harris and Raheel who I thought had an excellent debut. I also enjoyed the bleed over between the two shows. The Sean Pendergast Show was a bit of a let down but I think that may have been a result of Jim Ross being the first thing I heard once I got my stream back up and running. Not my favorite guest. The Spencer Tillman, Dan Pastorini interview was very good. After a first segment in which Travis came out of the gate like he'd just done a speed ball with a meth chaser, he settled in and put together a good show.

I don't know if the new lineup is going to be a success but I do feel a lot better about it today than I did last week.

3. Parents everywhere - The second most important day of the year for parents. The first is the first day of school. The second is the day kids go back to school after the holiday break. Kids are great and I have a lot of fun with mine but I'm ready to get them the hell out of here. Thank God buses start running again tomorrow and kids go back to school. This year I came to the realization that kids are off for the holidays roughly a week and a half too long. Hey Pres. Obama how about we get to working on that year round school thing.

4. McDonald's - You won't catch me saying good things about giant corporations like McDonald's often but I'm making an exception today. While other fast food joints are trying to make up for rising food cost by raising drink prices disproportionately to their food prices, McDonald's actually lowered theirs. I have a serious iced tea addiction and being able to get a large for just $1 has been a godsend. Places like Chick-fil-a and the like are charging about $1.80 for a large these days. Way too much. I don't like supporting soulless entities like McDonald's but at that price I'll sell just a bit of my soul.





5. The end of the holidays - I bag on the Christmas holidays a lot and that's mostly because I don't like them. I do find Christmas enjoyable when there are babies around. I am the baby whisperer. No crying baby stands a chance at staying upset if I'm around. I think this is a result of my body being very much like a giant cushy baby recliner combined with the fact that I don't piss them off with ridiculous baby talk. I'd open a daycare for kids under 2 but people tend to distrust a man's ability to handle the job. This year was exceptionally good with a total of 4 kids under the age of 2 at Christmas. I'm pretty sure everyone in my family is done having kids now so this is probably the last great Christmas I'll have for the next 25 years until I become a grandfather.

Bottom 5

1. Sports in 2010 -The 2010 sports year started in earnest with the Longhorns fifth play from scrimmage. As I watched Colt McCoy on the ground writhing in pain, I had no idea the shit spiral this sports year would take. The Longhorns lost. The Astros sucked. The Rockets sucked. The Longhorns sucked. The Texans sucked. I had to watch evil creatures like Kobe and Saban victoriously raise championship trophies. Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt were traded away. Yao Ming proved that Chinese peanut brittle is not the strongest brittle of all. Ugh, I done with this year. I can't wait for 2011.

2. Dan Graziano - Congrats to Dan Graziano for writing the single most idiotic piece about why he won't vote for Jeff Bagwell in the Hall of Fame. Basically, he says even though Bagwell produced offensive numbers that put him in a select group of baseball players, he won't vote for him just in case years down the line it is revealed that Bagwell did PED's. Well Holy Shit Dan, you might not want to drive to the store, you might get into an accident. Never mind that Bagwell never failed a test, didn't show up on the Mitchell Report nor were their rampant rumors of use during his playing days. I'm not naive enough to think he probably didn't use but I'm also not dumb enough to not think everyone was on PEDs during that era. Jason Grimsley was busted with the stuff for God's sake. If you are going to argue that you can't vote for Bags just in case then you shouldn't vote for anyone who played over the last 20 years.

Razzball had a very good article on Bagwell's HOF credentials.

3. Bowl Games - I am absolutely bored with these exhibition games. The Rose Bowl is the only game I've watched from start to finish. The rest of the bowl lineup was so lackluster that I haven't even tried to get into them. I'm sure I've missed some decent games and apparently some controversial endings but ultimately they're still just exhibition games and don't mean anything. I'm looking forward to the Auburn/Oregon game and will probably watch the Cotton Bowl. By the way, how ridiculous is playing the Cotton Bowl on a Friday night a week after the new year? Playoff people. Playoff.

4. Kobayashi - How the hell are we supposed to go on without the man who represents Keyser Söze? Do yourself a favor and honor Pete Postlethwaite by watching The Usual Suspects and In The Name of the Father today.

5. Houston Texans fans - Remember back in the 90's when we all made fun of the Redskins when they kept bringing Norv Turner back year after year even though it was apparent to everyone he lacked the skills it takes to be a successful head coach? WE ARE THE REDSKINS. Remember last season when we all laughed at the bumbling Cowboys head coach? HE'S THE LEADING CANDIDATE TO BE OUR DC. Your 2011 Houston Texans folks.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/20/10

Top 5

1. Juliann Faucette - I was fortunate enough to catch the UT women's final four volleyball match vs. Penn St. this weekend. These two teams met in the finals last year in one the best match ups I've ever seen in any sport. Penn St needed a furious comeback to thwart the Lady Horns championship dreams. Once again Penn St. upended the Horns, eliminating them from the tournament. However, the Lady Horns pitched a shutout in the looks department led by their ace Juliann Faucette. Beyond being the best looking player on the court, she was also their best player.  Did I tweet that I'd have her babies during the game? And did I mean it? Yes and Yes. Juliann (yes we're on a first name basis following this weekend) was extra special hot on the court. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her on the beach volleyball circuit soon and perhaps in the 2010 Olympics.

2. Mike Vick - That guy may have killed a bunch of dogs but man can he play football. He put the Giants on the rape stand and choked those bitches out yesterday. Or did they do that to themselves? Either way the Eagles pulled another one out of their asses and Vick had a couple spectacular runs in the fourth quarter.  However, neither of the Vick runs were as remarkable and improbable as DeSean Jackson's punt return for a touchdown on the game's final play. If I were Matt Dodge, I would have gone to the Eagles locker room to avoid facing Tom Coughlin. This is a guy who fines you for being late to a meeting if you're not there 5 minutes early. What do you think he does to guys who kick the ball to the games most dangerous return man, when he has specifically told you to kick it out of bounds. I guess is Matt Dodge will soon find himself a lying next to Jimmy Hoffa on the old Meadowlands site.

Wow. That really happened

3. Rockets Fans - I initially put this in the bottom 5 when the news of Yao Ming's stress fracture was announced. Then I realized this was actually a good thing for the Rockets and their fans. The Rockets can finally leave the Yao/McGrady era behind them and build for the future. Morey has been kind of hamstrung because of having to build a team around "stars" he couldn't count on being on the court. As Rockets fans we may need to come to terms with the the fact that this season isn't going to be successful but I still believe in Daryl Morey's ability to build a team and like every other sport it's better to be really bad or really good than it is to be average or just below average. Being really bad gives you a chance to improve through the draft. Of course this year's draft class may be the weakest in decades. The Rockets will probably be major players on the trade front as well, although maybe not a much as they would like to be with impending labor trouble on the horizon. If the team is willing to admit the days of waiting for Yao to comeback are over then I'm willing to be patient while they put together something new.

4. IFC - IFC is quickly becoming one of my favorite channels. This past summer they began running the entire Freaks & Geeks series on Friday nights. They followed that up with Judd Apatow's other series, Undeclared. Their original series starring David Cross and Will Arnett, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret was outstanding. Oh did I happen to mention they also show reruns of Mr. Show and Arrested Development. Now in preparation for carrying reruns of The Larry Sanders Show in the spring they are having a Larry Sanders marathon all day January 1. Lucky for us the idiots that run college football have made sure there is nothing else compelling on that day so we can all sit back and enjoy some Larry, Artie and Hank Kingsley. Hey Now.

5. Me - I had a great birthday on Sunday. My gift from my daughter was a promise not to whine all day and unbelievably she actually delivered. My talented wife redesigned this blog and created a logo for me. I had the best pancakes in Houston at Harris County Smokehouse. Beyond going to eat I'm not sure I moved 20 steps from my recliner all day. The Texans gave me the gift of comedy. Twitter gave me the gift of a forum to make fun of those Texans. I now am 365 days away from my 40's. That's a scary number for some folks but as an unemployed father of two, it doesn't bother me at all. Regardless, turning 40 has to be better than when I turned 30 and someone thought what I really needed was to go to a Creed concert. Even though I had made it explicitly clear that Creed sucked and deserved to have their tour bus driven off a mountain side. This "friend" said I just needed to see them live to get a proper appreciation for them. They bought me a ticket and they were right. Creed sucked even more live than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for that.

Bottom 5

1. Texans Fans -Did it look like the team quit yesterday? Yeah I think so too. As bad as the team looks though, the scarier thing is that Bob McNair thinks they are on the right track. At least, that's what he's saying publicly. Maybe yesterday's performance changed his view but I doubt it. McNair has always seemed like a guy that was pushed into buying an NFL franchise. He was the richest guy in the best market to add a new NFL team and that's a good business decision. He's never struck me as either an NFL fan nor a super competitive person. He obviously allows his personal feelings to affect his decisions with the Texans. If he didn't, David Carr's option would not have been picked up when it was evident to everyone, he wasn't a starting NFL caliber quarterback. I hope, no pray that his son or someone gets in his ear and convinces him to blow this regime out. He desperately needs to bring in a veteran NFL personnel guy who has had success to completely revamp this organization. Yeah, I know I'm not telling you anything the 4 million other people in the area don't already know. Unfortunately, the only person who doesn't seem to know what needs to be done happens to be the only person who counts.

2. - Uncircumsised Houston Texans Players - I don't know if you've heard but The Tebow is starting for the Texans next opponent, the Denver Broncos and he hates foreskin. Among the many miracles The Tebow has performed, circumcising underpriviledged kids is one he likes to get his hands dirty and do manually. But there is hope. There is a group called Intact America or Sat(b)an's Army as Tebowists refer to them, that are putting up billboards and trying to unite the rest of the world against this ghastly tradition of cutting the foreskin from the penises of baby boys. There's a war coming and we'll all have to pick a side. Will you be on the side of The Tebow or will you choose the foreskin?

3. Fantasy Football - Let me start with this, Fuck You Ray Rice. You sucked all year long. You were by far the biggest bust on any of my 7 fantasy football teams. Then after 13 weeks of being a giant turd you have a game like that, 233 yards and 2 Tds. I could even handle you have a good game except because you were such a lousy pick I missed the playoffs in my main league then you explode this week to knock me out of the playoffs in another league. If you want to know how I really feel about you see Ruxin v. Gates on The League. And yes I did wish mouth cancer on you yesterday.




4. UCLA Dynasty - In case you hadn't heard, the UConn womens basketball team equaled the UCLA 88 game win streak. Except, they didn't. There is no way to intelligently compare the UCLA streak and the UConn streak. Yes, they are both winning streaks involving games played with a hoop, a ball and involving humans. And that is where the similarities stop. I'm not saying the UConn streak isn't impressive because it is. If you win 88 games in a row at anything it's impressive but just because you win three Super Bowls on Madden '11 doesn't mean you can start comparing yourself to Bill Belichick. Hell, Edwin Moses won 122 races in a row. I guess ESPN will have to get stable of goons ready to compare a women's basketball team to a hurdler as they approach that streak. Someone needs to tell Geno, no one is saying his girls don't deserve recognition but just don't disrespect those great John Wooden teams by comparing yourself and your sport to what they accomplished.

5. Tron Legacy - Wow sorry Tron maybe I was wrong. That $43 million you pulled in this weekend was a little less than the $4 trillion or so I predicted for you. Worse still it's significantly less than the $200 million it cost to make the movie. I know it's just the opening weekend but with a low buzz/marketing ratio and lukewarm reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a bit skeptical it has the traction to be called a success.

#HandsLikeFeet

There are a few things you can absolutely count on during a Texans game. They will play like shit out of the gate. Steve Slaton will suck at kick returns. Matt Schaub will scream like a little girl at the on coming rush. Gary Kubiak will order white toast with his eggs over easy. The team will make a little comeback then crap its collective pants at the worst possible moment.

One other guarantee in life is that Jacoby Jones will drop several passes that hit him in the hands. Then a few seconds later I will see a post by either MigM_, RyanlostinTX or Clintshane (all very good twitter follows) that simply says #HandsLikeFeet. This never fails to amuse me. The imagery and accuracy is perfect. It also got me to thinking about other athletes/celebrities and their appropriate hashtags.

• Tracy McGrady #PenisLikeVagina
• Tom Brady #ChinLikeButthole
• Yao Ming #BonesLikePeanutBrittle
• Tom Cruise #MarriageLikeDavidCopperfieldTrick
• That 19 Kids and Counting Lady #VaginaLikeClownCar
• Shaq #EyesLikeCyclops
• Peyton Manning #HeadLikeCylinder
• Lance Zierlein #LifeLikeTomBradford
• John Harris #RoseBowlLikeBangBus
• Bob McNair #BusinessmanLikeKruger

I'll add more as they come to me or from the comments section.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/14/10

Top 5

It's been a pretty shitty week so I'm discontinuing the top 5 this week. If I was going to have one GSP's destruction of Josh Koscheck would definitely be at the top. However, my six year old crawled in bed with us last night and then pissed the bed. So, I'm not in the mood to celebrate anything.

Bottom 5

1. Girl working the window at Chick-fil-a - This chick made the list. On my way to get my kid from school, I decided I really needed an iced tea and brownie from Chick-fil-la. Like any other time I waited in the drive thru for 15 minutes to get my order. When I took the bag it felt kind of heavy and even though my instinct told me to check it, my brain knowing what time it was told me I had no time and sped away. Plus, the girl said "here's your brownie" when she handed me the bag. Once up on the freeway I reached in to enjoy my chocolaty goodness only to find a fucking fruit bowl instead of a brownie. I'm a fat guy and us fat guys don't take kindly to someone replacing our desserts with fruit. I don't know how I'm going to get this person back yet, but I am. Maybe, give her a "stink Lincoln." If you don't know what that is it's probably because I just made it up but it involves a $5 bill and a very stinky part of my anatomy.

2. Texas Longhorns - I thought I was done writing about this crappy Longhorn season and then this weekend happened. Thanks for the cherry on my shit sundae Will. Mack Brown already had an offensive coordinator, quarterbacks coach and offensive line coach to replace and then Florida came a calling for Will Muschamp. Now Mack has to completely rebuild both his offensive and defensive staffs along with keeping a nervous recruiting class on board. My hope is that Mack heeds the lessons of his past and allows himself to step outside his comfort zone to hire the best guys for the job but I'm starting to get the feeling he may want someone he's familiar with. I would have no issue with him promoting Major Applewhite to OC. Major was OC at Rice and Alabama before returning home to Texas. From all accounts, he would be an aggressive play caller and with Muschamp now gone he looks to have the inside track to the top spot once Mack leaves. I'm not exactly excited about Mack's desire to return to a power running game. I think the college game has evolved and a more innovated style is required to attracted a higher level of player. On the defensive side, I'd like to see Randy Shannon hired as DC. Shannon had a solid track record as DC for Miami finishing 7th or better 5 out his 6 years nationally and is a top notch recruiter. He understands coaching speed and developing NFL quality players.

3. Metrodome - You're in Minneapolis right? You've had snow before right? I thought the video of the roof collapsing was shocking then I read that this was the fourth time the roof has collapsed because of snow. What? Look, I think it's time you guys upgraded. I can get you a deal on a slightly used domed stadium. Just send your guys down to Fannin here in Houston and we'll find a way to get the "8th Wonder of the World" sent your way.

4. Dexter - ***SPOILERS AHEAD*** What the fuck was that. Just terrible. The whole season had been just blah but that finale was a total crap sandwich. Oh great you got your bad guy on the table but every thing else was way too mushy Hallmark cardish. From Rita's kids asking to spend the summer with Dex to Batista giving Laguerta some anniversary gift it was all too much. At least Masuka had the decency to bring a hooker to Harrison's birthday party. Everything came a little too easy in the finale. Jordan took himself to a secluded place to be killed. There was a convenient plastic sheet up so Deb couldn't see her brother holding a bloody knife. Quinn and Dexter creating some weird unspoken truce. My hope was that Dexter would go the way of SOA and bring the show back to its basics with a dark singularly focused Dexter and redeem themselves for a mostly forgettable season. That was your mulligan Dex. Time to go back to work.

5. Ketchup Bottles - The Texans are wearing those terrible ketchup bottle uniforms tonight. As if the defense hadn't been bloodied enough now they're going to look the part too. I love the battle red jerseys. They're one of the best in the league but the red pants are hideous. I hate monochromatic unis to begin with so I was against the very idea of these uniforms but the reality of them is even worse. At least with black or blue the horribleness doesn't stand out quite as much. Please Texans, next season when you've blown out the old regime and are ready to start anew, lets go back to wearing the white pants with the red jerseys.

Texans Reality Check

Let's be honest, as Texans fans we love to see Peyton Manning and the baby horses lose. I love a good #FDACOLTS trending Twitter topic. The truth is though, the Colts falling apart is the worst possible scenario for Texans fans.

 Let's assume the rest of the season plays out like the first 3/4 has gone. The final AFC South standings end up something like this:

1. Jags 9-7
2. Colts 8-8
3. Texans 7-9
4. Titans 6-10

 Even if you flip flop the Jags and Colts, this gives Bob McNair exactly what he's looking for, a reason to believe Kubiak/Smith are just a couple plays away. Good Bob "Mr. Krueger" McNair can go to bed easy thinking if it wasn't for a fluking interception off of Dre's leg, a one in a million Hail Mary and a blown coverage in the Jets game, we would have won the division. Wrong. What he should be thinking is, we played in a crappy division and the Colts had their worst season in a decade and we still couldn't win. We need a change.

Texans fans deserve a change. We deserve an organization that truly holds people accountable, not just the lip service Kubiak offers at his press conferences. Aside from Jacoby and Slaton can you think of another player that has been held accountable for poor play on the field under this regime? Yeah me neither.

I don't care what the new coaches offensive or defensive philosophy is, 3-4, 4-3, power running or throw it around. We've now seen every kind of offense and defense win a championship. What I want is a coach that not only likes to win but a coach that hates to lose. I want someone that doesn't tolerate subpar performance. If you aren't getting the job done then someone else will.

We need this Texans fans. We need McNair to see through the final standings and see what is at the core of the current regime.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/29/10

Top 5



1. Andre Johnson - How great was Dre's day? Let's see. Set an NFL record for being the first receiver to catch 60+ balls in their first 8 seasons. Check. Catch a touchdown to help your team beat one of your biggest rivals. Check. Lay a beat down on the love child of Josh Koscheck and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Check Check.

2. Nevada - God bless Nevada. You blessed creatures have saved us all from a month of Boise St. overload. I actually gave up on Nevada at halftime when the game was at 24-7. Boise was moving the ball at will and Nevada just didn't seem up to the task. Thankfully I was wrong about Nevada and Boise showed they were not above choking away a lead. Thanks again Nevada and thank you Kyle Brotzman.

3. Terriers -If you haven't been watching Terriers this season then you need to fix that. Terriers is my run away choice for drama rookie of the year. I find the story lines better than Boardwalk Empire and the performances better than Justified. I know there have been rumors of it meeting the same fate as that other rookie, Rubicon. I don't want to face losing another of my favorite shows because you people aren't smart enough to watch it.

4. Antidepressants - To say I'm not a Christmas person would be more than a small understatement. I've always been a bit too socially awkward to be comfortable and much to self indulgent to care how that made others feel. Even as a kid I didn't enjoy Christmas. I never seemed to have the right reaction to a gift and couldn't fake small talk well enough to put others at ease. Now, I'm able to get through the Christmas because I have kids and antidepressants. The kids help me enjoy Christmas because it's about them and their happiness makes me happy. The antidepressants help me deal with everyone else who actually enjoys Christmas.

5. Texas high school football playoffs - I went to my first high school football game since 2002 Saturday night and had a great time. I got a chance to see some people I hadn't seen in years. I mostly hung out with some of my brother's old crew and these boys made the game that much better. The mighty Roughnecks were able to overcome a disastrous second half to advance to the class 3A semi finals. As fate would have it, the Roughnecks are playing at the Berry Center again this week. I've already made my plans to be there. I just need to send Mondo a message to save me seat so I can watch it with those nuts again.

Bottom 5

1. Boise St. - Poor, Poor Boise, this was a tough week, wasn't it. First, they see all their hopes and dreams get flushed down the drain when they choked away the Nevada game. Then, just when things couldn't get worse, TCU bolts for the Big East. Remember a few months ago when you left the WAC to join Utah, BYU and TCU in the Mountain West. That didn't quite work out did it. Now, I'm a well documented hater of BSU but not for the reasons you think. I'm all for the little guy rising up to shake the system. I'm just not for Boise being that little guy. Their fans are insufferable. When you watch a Boise game the first thing you notice is the striking similarities between Boise and Utah Jazz fan, white, angry and way too self important. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see them do a pass interference call in unison. I know you want to be a player and as long as Chris Peterson is there you might just be. Just know that most of us hate you. So, stop being angry, stop playing most of your games on weekdays, get yourself into a real conference and most importantly get rid of that stupid blue turf.

2. College Voters - I'm probably the last person you'll hear defending Texas A&M but even I find it completely ridiculous that they fell in every single poll this week. They have been on a six game winning streak that included beating Oklahoma, Nebraska and finally arch rival Texas. Yes, Texas sucked this season but I was at that game and from the second half kick on the outcome was never in doubt. Still their victory over UT was so unimpressive that AP voters actually dropped them two spots from 17 to 19. As a result, they will have to watch two of the teams they beat over that past month play for the Big 12 Championship. Just another feather in the cap for college football legitimacy.


3. Kiddie Park - So I was told this was a San Antonio icon. Now if you follow me on twitter, you are well aware of my disdain for the city of San Antonio. I find it to be one of the saddest places on earth. Anyway, this is about Kiddie Park. So let me set the scene. If you grew up in Houston picture Peppermint Park but outside. If not just imagine a scaled down version of a traveling carnival with rides only for kids 1-10 years old. Now, age that carnival 100 years. Place it between a row of crack houses and a ravine to dump any dead bodies. Then hire the inhabitants of said crack houses to run and maintain the rides. Now, before you let your kids ride anything, cover everything with a nice glaze of tetanus and communicable disease. That is Kiddie Park, San Antonio icon.

4. Sgt. Malarkey & Agent Sebso - Poor Sgt. Malarkey we barely got to know you. You came into our lives and let Jordan Chase tell you what to do. Then the next thing you know, you wake up shrink wrapped to a table in a meticulously built kill room with the woman you raped and tortured ready to jam a very large knife in to your heart. Goodbye. You, Agent Sebso we knew a little longer but it was a bad day for you as well. You mistake was not following your instincts to transfer out of Jersey. Instead, you follow that lunatic Van Alden down to the river and beyond all reason let him baptize you. Huh? I know this won't help you now but if a crazy person asks to let him dunk you under water, don't.

5. Green Lantern - We have a new candidate for worst movie ever made. I saw the trailer the other day and Wow. That movie looks terrible. I mean like Dare Devil terrible, Ashton Kutcher movie terrible. I've got an idea for Hollywood. How about you try casting a good actor in one of these parts? Ryan Reynolds? Really? You do realize he was once the star of something called Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Parlor.

Friday Foresight 11/19/10

What are we looking forward to this weekend?

• I was looking forward to Northwestern & Illinois players body checking one another into the Wrigley outfield wall but now I guess I'll look forward to the inevitable "you didn't get both feet past the 50 yard line before you headed for the endzone" argument. Half court basketball much? 
• I'm looking forward to taking the wife and kids to Via Colori.  
• I'm looking forward to the Aggies stomping a mud hole in Nebraska and their cry baby head coach.
• I'm looking forward to the one great half of football the Texans will have against the Jets.
• I'm looking forward to settling down Sunday afternoon with the dogs at my side to watch some NFL games.
• I'm looking forward to not looking forward to Thanksgiving. 
• I'm looking forward to the 12-23 minutes of peace I will get this weekend.
• I'm looking forward to not watching the NBA.

What are you looking forward to?

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/15/10

Top 5

1. Manny Pacquiao - I don't know if he's the baddest man on the planet but he's damn sure the best pound for pound boxer. I can't remember another fight with such a disparity in size. Margarito towered over Pacman and out weighed him by at least 20lbs and Manny just surgically dismantled him. How bad was it? Margarito is on the short list of worst people in sports and people watching the fight were essentially begging the referee to stop it. Like the other four boxing fans, I'd love to see Manny get a shot at Floyd Mayweather but He'd made it pretty clear he doesn't want any real opponents.

2. Dexter - I've been slow to warm to this season of Dexter but I have to admit I'm really enjoying the budding relationship between Lumen and Dexter. I am bothered by how many people have now known what Dexter does in his spare time and he's never been in any real danger of being exposed. Those worries are far less a concern than getting rid of any story line involving La Guerta. Thankfully, I DVR the show and can FF through most of her scenes.

3. Lethal Weapon 5 - Sunny killed from start to finish this week. Lethal Weapon 5? Yes please. I pray there is a longer form of this included with the Blu Ray version of this season. Has there ever been another show in which a Jugalo, a man in black face, soft core porn, a high school field trip and Dave Nelson of WNYX have all come together in one beautiful story. I think not.

4. The Ol' Ball Coach - Congrats to Steve Spurrier. It took several years but it looks like he's finally earning that membership to Augusta National he reportedly got when he agreed to coach South Carolina. College football is better when Spurrier is winning. No body is more arrogant and funny at the same time than Spurrier as king of the mountain. I'm sure beating Florida and that smarmy slime bag Urban Meyer to clinch the SEC east probably tasted pretty good too. An SEC Championship game featuring the two best players in the conference, Lattimore and Newton, should be great. Too bad Chizik has no chance of measuring up to the ol' ball coach.

5. 30 for 30 - I finally got around to watching the 30 for 30 documentary on Marcus Dupree. It was another excellent doc. The best parts of the film were the interviews with Fred Akers, Barry Switzer, Tommy Reaux and Luscious Selmon. It's was sad to see how he was used by Maverick Carter, uh I mean Ken Fairley. Then again anyone who follows the advice of Billy Sims instead of Earl Campbell is kind of asking for bad shit to happen to them anyway.

Bottom 5

1. Football - This I was witness to a personal football apocalyptic superfecta. That would be the Losses by the Longhorns and Texans combined with victories by OU, A&M and Dallas. I'm starting to think the football gods are punishing me for taking this season off from gambling. My goal was to see if my enjoyment diminished when I didn't have money riding on games. In fact, I find it much easier to get engrossed in one game without worrying about what is going on in every other game on the slate. I fully expect to be back to my degenerate ways next season but so far this year it's been nice to just sit back and take a deep breath.

2. Poorly timed epidemics - This past Saturday was my 20 year high school reunion. Wow that reminds me, when I was 20 and my boss was going to his 20 year reunion and all I could think was "this dude is old." Anyway, We had plans to take the kids to the BBQ during the day then drop them off with my parents so we could go to the dinner party that evening. However, fate had another plan. On Thursday Denise came down with a sinus infection, both kids already had colds and then Friday night I was hit with a stomach bug. You know the kind, you're up all night spending a lot of intimate time with your best friend Johnny. My stomach bug lasted well into the next day so I wasn't nearly brave enough to travel, let alone with kids. So, I missed the reunion and a chance to catch up with a bunch of folks I've known since preK but haven't seen in a decade. Thanks to Facebook, it looks like everyone had a great time and I can definitively say I am aging much better than the rest of my classmates. Here's to the 40th reunion when I still look 35 and you all look like Al Davis.

3. Guys in pajama pants - A few years ago I noticed more and more teenage girls wearing pajama pants out in public. I gave this little attention because I assume all teenagers are stupid and these girls probably just didn't realize they hadn't changed clothes yet. Then grown women started to follow suit. Again, I let this slide because women are generally soft and sometimes make me feel special and funny. On Sunday, we went for our traditional weekend breakfast at Harris County Smokehouse (best buttermilk pancakes in Houston) and I see a man in his 30's wearing a t-shirt, flip-flops and pajama pants. My first thought was to figure out the odds of the cops at the next table arresting me if I threw the pot of hot gravy on this guy. I figured 50/50 at best but considering my issues from the previous day I didn't want to spend any time in a dirty jail cell. Even though I had to let this guy walk after committing this atrocity, I want to make it abundantly clear this is never acceptable. I have a long recorded record of my hatred for guys wearing flip flops but to add the pajama pants makes me assume you are either mentally challenged or you want to be hit by a car. I'm all for comfort but keep it classy guys. No body wants to catch an unfortunate encounter with you and a loose piss flap.

4. Restaurants with smoking sections - One of Audrey's classmates had a birthday party on Friday night out in Katy. The party was girls only so we had a few hours to kill before we picked her up. Driving 45 minutes home seemed pointless so we decided to grab a bite to eat in Katy. Since I failed to get a recommendation from a local I decided to support my favorite radio station, 1560 The Game, by eating at one of their sponsors. We settled on Wild Wing Cafe since neither of us had been there before. I can confidently say I won't be going back. The food was your typical fried fare, neither terrible nor spectacular. The problem though was that as soon as you walked through the door you were overwhelmed by smoke. I thought we had settled this long ago. If you have a smoking and non smoking section, what you really have is a smoking and a slightly less smokey area. Thankfully, I noticed just a few people on the patio and none of them smoking. About 15 minutes into our meal a group of guys all dressed like Quin from Dexter sat down at the table next to us and proceeded to chain smoke. I have both a wife and daughter who suffer with asthma as well as 19 month old toddler, so my tolerance for smoking is somewhere between stealing from the elderly and strangling puppies. If I'd known they were a smoking establishment, I never would have gone there in the first place but as anyone with kids will tell you, once the kids are out of the car you've made your decision.

5. Antonio Margarito's Eye - As I previously stated, Margarito is a bad guy. I was glad to see him get pummeled Saturday night. Hell, I would have been fine with a mid fight rule change to extend the beating to 15 rounds. He deserves every bit of that ass whooping but for those who didn't see it, take a look at that eye. The slab of meat they glued to Rocky's face at the end of Rocky I didn't look that gnarly. Manny pounded that eye round after round and Margarito was too slow and too blind to do anything about it.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/8/10

Top 5

1. Tron - You win. Tron has every male in their 30's and 40's completely geeked. Based on the twitter excitement out there, I expect the new Tron movie to make about $4 trillion dollars. As for me, I didn't really care for the first Tron when I was 11 or 12 and I absolutely hated the Tron video games. So sorry Mr. Tron unless you send one of your bike guys out to the Visa computer and hack my account, you won't be getting any of my money.


2. The Hold Steady - I made it out to Warehouse Live this past Saturday to catch The Hold Steady show. The band was even better live than I had expected. Singer/songwriter Craig Finn brings it live. His voice replaces a bit of the baritone with more nasal but he and the rest of the band sounded great. Live Craig Finn turns into an epileptic St. Bernard with a large collection of books and a raging cocaine habit. Not addiction mind you but habit.


Warehouse Live is intimate enough to really enjoy a show like this. The opening acts batted .500 for the night. The first band, The American Heist was somewhere between bad and terrible. The second act, Company of Thieves, who I still think should rename their band "A Conspiracy of Thieve" because it sounds better, was really good. By the middle of their opening song I was starting to dance with the crowd and I'm a guy that dances like Chris Penn in Footloose. I could have done without the masses of hipsters but the show made up for the dip shit factor. I did have the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erin Nicks (@erinnicks) and The Driver at the show. They are now my favorite Canadians, your move Steve in the KT.



3. Addicts - Lindsey Lohan wants to open her own rehab center. This is good for anyone who is being legally forced to go to rehab. Now if you are making the decision about getting clean and you are serious about your sobriety then the LiLo Clinic probably isn't the best place. However, if you're one of the unfortunate that is being forced into rehab by that "asshole" judge, then I can't think of a better place to be. Who better to teach you how to take control of your disease than Lindsey.  This would be like Jeff Skilling teaching a business ethics class at UH. Do you think for a second the LiLo Clinic won't be the most posh crack house on the block. Lindsey will have her "therapists" remove all drugs from your person as you enter the clinic and instantly upgrade you to a better brand of narcotic. I love this idea and hope she decides Houston would be the best place for her clinic. Being an addict is about to get a lot more fun.


4. Dallas Cowboys - Congratulations Cowboys fans you finally ran Bum's Son out of town. Now scroll down to the bottom five for the rest of the story.


5. Cake in the city of Houston - Do any of you remember the show "Amish in the City"? It was a Real World type reality show that put a group of Amish kids together in a house with non Amish kids in Los Angeles. The Amish kids were going through what they call Rumspringa. This is a time in which Amish kids leave and experience life outside the community. At the end of this period they have to decide whether they want to return to the community and join the Amish Church or permanently leave to become a member of the outside world.


Well as you may remember, I started the Quick Weight Loss Center program a few months ago and lost nearly 40 pounds in the process. I still had a lot of weight to lose but I too went on rumspringa. Instead of experiencing electricity, motorized cars and formal education, I was experiencing great walls of chocolate, brownie bottom pecan pie, Lil Big's crack laced fries. Ultimately, I gained about 10 of those lost pounds back.

Just like the estimated 90% of Amish kids that ultimately return to their faith, I too have returned to QWLC. I started back yesterday with little trouble. It helps that I know the program works and when I'm on it and eating better my wife and kids are also eating better. The goal I set back in July was to lose 120 lbs. As I get back to the program, I'm a quarter of the way there. If I can keep my mind right and off of a brownie a la mode from Barry's Pizza, I know I'll get there.





Bottom 5

1. Texan fans - Is there anything left to say? This team is going no where and I don't see that changing with Kubiak and Rick Smith at the helm. I did not hear a single "expert" that thought drafting Kareem Jackson in the first round was a good pick. I don't remember anyone who thought he should have been drafted ahead of Kyle Wilson. Amobi has been a huge failure. We don't know how Cushing is going to turn out. After he fired Richard Smith, Kubiak refused to interview anyone for the defensive coordinator position and instead promoted Frank Bush who had no coordinator experience coming in. Even following a complete disaster of a game for rookie Kareem Jackson, Kubiak refuses to even entertain the idea of benching the guy. Ugh, I would keep going but I'm starting to dry heave.


Kubiak can somehow turn this franchise around and make them one of the better teams in the league but at this point, I just don't see it.



2. The person next to the doofus hipster -That was me on Saturday night. The Hold Steady concert was packed full of doofus hipster guy. I was fortunate enough to be standing next to the one who wanted everyone to know that even though we all thought Third Eye Blind's self titled was a brilliant album, Eve 6 was the real unsung genius of the 90's. What??? First of all dickhead, Third Eye Blind doesn't even think their music is brilliant. In fact, if you put them and Matchbox 20 in a room together I'm not sure they could tell you which band play which songs. These bands were the specific reason ipods and Internet radio was invented. So we no longer had to suffer being ear raped by their putrid music.  If I had known that the rise of Kurt Cobain was going to destroy the hair bands but then spawn bands like these, I would have gone back in time and killed him when he was a baby. Oh and by the way, I'd like to send out a big thanks to the hipster that burped directly in to my nostrils. That was pleasant.



3. Cam Newton - SEC fans love the SEC. They love their schools but they LOVE the SEC. Ask anyone who was at the BCS championship game last year. As the clock was running out on the Longhorns hopes, did the Bama faithful start a "Roll Tide" chant or even a simple "BAMA" chant? No. They went with the classic "S-E-C" chant. You know what SEC schools love almost as much as their conference? Ratting out other SEC schools and dragging them down into the mud. If you're old enough then you remember the 80's and 90's when nearly SEC school was on probation at one time or another.


Cam Newton is amazing and I love watching him play but this stuff isn't going to stop coming out. The people you've pissed off are going to dig up any and every piece of dirt you've left in your wake. I'm not about to tell you this stuff isn't true because I assume everyone is cheating. I hope all this stuff isn't true, Auburn is one of the few schools I don't hold a grudge against and they've been nice enough to send the Longhorns a couple of really good defensive coordinators. I think the other schools in the SEC need to just get over the fact that a black quarterback is running roughshod over the rest of the conference and let the guy play. I'm going to open up a giant can of hate if these other programs continue to besmirch Cam's good name and ruin my chance to see an Oregon/Auburn title game. FREE CAM.



4. Dallas Cowboys -You had a great week by getting rid of Wade but unfortunately, you're still stuck with Jerry Jones and his band of clowns. Jerry's refusal to let anyone else be the GM and evaluate talent will continue to doom this franchise for the foreseeable future. The only period in which he did finally relinquish control was during the Parcell years. According to those who covered the team Jerry hated every minute of it. Hey, I'm not upset by this. I absolutely hate the Cowboys. I'm kind of bummed that Romo is hurt because I miss seeing that dumb look on his face every time he throws and interception. Don't worry though, I'm sure Jason Garrett and John Kitna will get this thing turned around.



5. Parents during time change - If you have young kids, the whole fall back, gain an hour of sleep is a myth. Kids don't run their life by a clock, they run by crazy internal kid time. If you have a kid that was waking up at 6 o'clock last week then they're probably waking up at 5 o'clock this week. In other words, unless you had a 1 year old trying to pull your nose off your face at 5 am, you probably made your own decision to give up that extra hour.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/1/10

Top 5

1. Halloween - I hate Halloween. I'm not a fan of strangers knocking on my door. I loathe the grown idiots who think it's either ironic or cool to still trick or treat. I don't support our national day of taking our kids out to work on their pan handling skills. However, I do love the costumes my wife comes up with. Except for the year she was pregnant with Cash, she always makes the kid's costumes and this year was no different. Last year the kids went as the Hiphopopotamus and Rhymenoceros but there just weren't enough Flight of the Conchords fans in our neighborhood to get it. This year Audrey went as the Tooth Fairy and Cash was her Quarter. They looked great and had a lot of fun but I still don't like the day.
 

2. Peter Pan - I took Audrey to see Peter Pan at the Alley on Saturday. It was an excellent production and I think they won over a new theater fan in Audrey. Big thanks to Barry Stagg (@bcstagg) for the tickets and back stage tour. Audrey was a little anxious to leave during the first act but once I let he know we weren't leaving, she settled in and loved it. She spent the rest of the day telling her mom everything about the play and especially about getting to meet the actor that played Peter.

3. Thursday Night TV - This past Thursday was the best day of television so far this season. The League and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia have been killing it for five weeks now. The Office finally produced an episode that reminded us why we continue to watch every week. Even Grey's Anatomy has been pretty good this season. I'm just eagerly waiting the penultimate Christina and Meredith murder/suicide episode we all so desperately want.

4. Walking Dead - Great, Great premiere episode. There's only six episodes in season one so get on this while it's still fresh.

5. Election Day - I hope everyone eligible got out and exercised their right to vote. I don't know how this is going to go and I'm neither a Democrat nor Republican but I'm all for anything that means I don't have to see Nancy Pelosi's disgusting face on my television.


Bottom 5

1. Longhorn Football - I would ask "what was that?" but unfortunately I know what that was. That was a Greg Davis special. The Longhorn offense has been pathetic all season but they keep finding ways to knock out the barrel's false bottom and find a new low. Of course, the past few games have been complete team meltdowns including muffed punts, missed tackles, dropped passes and overall poor game planning. I've never been a "Fire Greg Davis" guy up until this year but it is becoming painfully obvious a change is desperately needed. Then again I was Chris Simms over Major Applewhite guy so what the hell do I know. This is the last time the Horns will be in the power rankings. You can't be a failure or disappointment if there is no expectation of success.

2. My Netflix account - I need to apologize to my netflix account. I've had the same movies at home for six weeks now. I may consider canceling my account at the start of the football/fall tv seasons next year.

3. Youth soccer coaches - This is my daughter's second season playing soccer and we've been pretty lucky as far as coaches go. Her coaches so far have been very nice upbeat people that truly care about the kids having fun. Unfortunately, not all the coaches are like this. This week they played a team coached by That Guy. You know the guy. Under Armour pants, hat turned backwards, John Kreese type. He never actually said it but he came awfully close to screaming "finish him" at one point. Before the game he was out there bragging to the coach of our team how he had "one of those Indian kids and he can turn the ball real well. And I have two Spanish kids. They're my powerhouses." Nice dip shit. This is freaking FFPS. They don't even keep score and the kids are six. I'm sure there's a Dynamo call in show that's had a call or forty from this guy offering his "experienced coaching" advice to the Dynamo staff.

4. Gary Kubiak - You had two weeks and that's what you came up with? You decided the best way to attack a team with two of the best pass rushers in the league was to drop back snap after snap. I'm not a coach. Hell, I haven't even played football since junior high but I do know that strategy reeked of stupidity. You have the best receiver in the league and one of the best running games so of course you decide to eliminate them from the game. Go look at the schedule the rest of the way. This is an 8-8 team.

5. The World Series - I can not remember a World Series with less buzz that this one had. They played 45 innings and I think I watched 8 of them. I like baseball. I don't love baseball like I do football but I do enjoy watching the game. The FOX broadcast, extended commercial breaks and overall presentation has rendered the product unwatchable for me.