That thud you heard was Big Bang Theory hitting rock bottom last night.
What's going on with all these shootings on Grey's Anatomy? Alice in Chains always made Seattle seem like such a beautiful, happy place to live.
Every other college football program needs to remember this: You're just borrowing your best coordinators until The University of Texas is ready for them.
Dream Team?
What is it about interviews that scares the hell out of Gary Kubiak? This is the third DC he's hired without interviewing any other candidates.
The Larry Sanders Show, The Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show with Bob & David thank you IFC.
I'm 98% sure my 20 month old is rebelling against wearing pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear any.
I'm glad to see McDonald's has finally embraced the quality of their food and introduced the McTurd.
I'm on your side Andrew. I'd stay at Stanford too instead of facing the prospect of being teammates with Jimmy Clausen.
Someone just told me College Football's exhibition season is still going on. Really? I had no idea. When does the game that matters happen?
Yeah I screwed up making Brandon Roy one of my fantasy basketball keepers but I think that first round pick Blake Griffin is going to work out ok.
There are a few things you can absolutely count on during a Texans game. They will play like shit out of the gate. Steve Slaton will suck at kick returns. Matt Schaub will scream like a little girl at the on coming rush. Gary Kubiak will order white toast with his eggs over easy. The team will make a little comeback then crap its collective pants at the worst possible moment.
One other guarantee in life is that Jacoby Jones will drop several passes that hit him in the hands. Then a few seconds later I will see a post by either MigM_, RyanlostinTX or Clintshane (all very good twitter follows) that simply says #HandsLikeFeet. This never fails to amuse me. The imagery and accuracy is perfect. It also got me to thinking about other athletes/celebrities and their appropriate hashtags.
Tracy McGrady #PenisLikeVagina
Tom Brady #ChinLikeButthole
Yao Ming #BonesLikePeanutBrittle
Tom Cruise #MarriageLikeDavidCopperfieldTrick
That 19 Kids and Counting Lady #VaginaLikeClownCar
Shaq #EyesLikeCyclops
Peyton Manning #HeadLikeCylinder
Lance Zierlein #LifeLikeTomBradford
John Harris #RoseBowlLikeBangBus
Bob McNair #BusinessmanLikeKruger
I'll add more as they come to me or from the comments section.
Let's be honest, as Texans fans we love to see Peyton Manning and the baby horses lose. I love a good #FDACOLTS trending Twitter topic. The truth is though, the Colts falling apart is the worst possible scenario for Texans fans.
Let's assume the rest of the season plays out like the first 3/4 has gone. The final AFC South standings end up something like this:
Jags 9-7
Colts 8-8
Texans 7-9
Titans 6-10
Even if you flip flop the Jags and Colts, this gives Bob McNair exactly what he's looking for, a reason to believe Kubiak/Smith are just a couple plays away. Good Bob "Mr. Krueger" McNair can go to bed easy thinking if it wasn't for a fluking interception off of Dre's leg, a one in a million Hail Mary and a blown coverage in the Jets game, we would have won the division. Wrong. What he should be thinking is, we played in a crappy division and the Colts had their worst season in a decade and we still couldn't win. We need a change.
Texans fans deserve a change. We deserve an organization that truly holds people accountable, not just the lip service Kubiak offers at his press conferences. Aside from Jacoby and Slaton can you think of another player that has been held accountable for poor play on the field under this regime? Yeah me neither.
I don't care what the new coaches offensive or defensive philosophy is, 3-4, 4-3, power running or throw it around. We've now seen every kind of offense and defense win a championship. What I want is a coach that not only likes to win but a coach that hates to lose. I want someone that doesn't tolerate subpar performance. If you aren't getting the job done then someone else will.
We need this Texans fans. We need McNair to see through the final standings and see what is at the core of the current regime.
1. Tron - You win. Tron has every male in their 30's and 40's completely geeked. Based on the twitter excitement out there, I expect the new Tron movie to make about $4 trillion dollars. As for me, I didn't really care for the first Tron when I was 11 or 12 and I absolutely hated the Tron video games. So sorry Mr. Tron unless you send one of your bike guys out to the Visa computer and hack my account, you won't be getting any of my money.
2. The Hold Steady - I made it out to Warehouse Live this past Saturday to catch The Hold Steady show. The band was even better live than I had expected. Singer/songwriter Craig Finn brings it live. His voice replaces a bit of the baritone with more nasal but he and the rest of the band sounded great. Live Craig Finn turns into an epileptic St. Bernard with a large collection of books and a raging cocaine habit. Not addiction mind you but habit.
Warehouse Live is intimate enough to really enjoy a show like this. The opening acts batted .500 for the night. The first band, The American Heist was somewhere between bad and terrible. The second act, Company of Thieves, who I still think should rename their band "A Conspiracy of Thieve" because it sounds better, was really good. By the middle of their opening song I was starting to dance with the crowd and I'm a guy that dances like Chris Penn in Footloose. I could have done without the masses of hipsters but the show made up for the dip shit factor. I did have the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erin Nicks (@erinnicks) and The Driver at the show. They are now my favorite Canadians, your move Steve in the KT.
3. Addicts - Lindsey Lohan wants to open her own rehab center. This is good for anyone who is being legally forced to go to rehab. Now if you are making the decision about getting clean and you are serious about your sobriety then the LiLo Clinic probably isn't the best place. However, if you're one of the unfortunate that is being forced into rehab by that "asshole" judge, then I can't think of a better place to be. Who better to teach you how to take control of your disease than Lindsey. This would be like Jeff Skilling teaching a business ethics class at UH. Do you think for a second the LiLo Clinic won't be the most posh crack house on the block. Lindsey will have her "therapists" remove all drugs from your person as you enter the clinic and instantly upgrade you to a better brand of narcotic. I love this idea and hope she decides Houston would be the best place for her clinic. Being an addict is about to get a lot more fun.
4. Dallas Cowboys - Congratulations Cowboys fans you finally ran Bum's Son out of town. Now scroll down to the bottom five for the rest of the story.
5. Cake in the city of Houston - Do any of you remember the show "Amish in the City"? It was a Real World type reality show that put a group of Amish kids together in a house with non Amish kids in Los Angeles. The Amish kids were going through what they call Rumspringa. This is a time in which Amish kids leave and experience life outside the community. At the end of this period they have to decide whether they want to return to the community and join the Amish Church or permanently leave to become a member of the outside world.
Well as you may remember, I started the Quick Weight Loss Center program a few months ago and lost nearly 40 pounds in the process. I still had a lot of weight to lose but I too went on rumspringa. Instead of experiencing electricity, motorized cars and formal education, I was experiencing great walls of chocolate, brownie bottom pecan pie, Lil Big's crack laced fries. Ultimately, I gained about 10 of those lost pounds back.
Just like the estimated 90% of Amish kids that ultimately return to their faith, I too have returned to QWLC. I started back yesterday with little trouble. It helps that I know the program works and when I'm on it and eating better my wife and kids are also eating better. The goal I set back in July was to lose 120 lbs. As I get back to the program, I'm a quarter of the way there. If I can keep my mind right and off of a brownie a la mode from Barry's Pizza, I know I'll get there.
Bottom 5
1. Texan fans - Is there anything left to say? This team is going no where and I don't see that changing with Kubiak and Rick Smith at the helm. I did not hear a single "expert" that thought drafting Kareem Jackson in the first round was a good pick. I don't remember anyone who thought he should have been drafted ahead of Kyle Wilson. Amobi has been a huge failure. We don't know how Cushing is going to turn out. After he fired Richard Smith, Kubiak refused to interview anyone for the defensive coordinator position and instead promoted Frank Bush who had no coordinator experience coming in. Even following a complete disaster of a game for rookie Kareem Jackson, Kubiak refuses to even entertain the idea of benching the guy. Ugh, I would keep going but I'm starting to dry heave.
Kubiak can somehow turn this franchise around and make them one of the better teams in the league but at this point, I just don't see it.
2. The person next to the doofus hipster -That was me on Saturday night. The Hold Steady concert was packed full of doofus hipster guy. I was fortunate enough to be standing next to the one who wanted everyone to know that even though we all thought Third Eye Blind's self titled was a brilliant album, Eve 6 was the real unsung genius of the 90's. What??? First of all dickhead, Third Eye Blind doesn't even think their music is brilliant. In fact, if you put them and Matchbox 20 in a room together I'm not sure they could tell you which band play which songs. These bands were the specific reason ipods and Internet radio was invented. So we no longer had to suffer being ear raped by their putrid music. If I had known that the rise of Kurt Cobain was going to destroy the hair bands but then spawn bands like these, I would have gone back in time and killed him when he was a baby. Oh and by the way, I'd like to send out a big thanks to the hipster that burped directly in to my nostrils. That was pleasant.
3. Cam Newton - SEC fans love the SEC. They love their schools but they LOVE the SEC. Ask anyone who was at the BCS championship game last year. As the clock was running out on the Longhorns hopes, did the Bama faithful start a "Roll Tide" chant or even a simple "BAMA" chant? No. They went with the classic "S-E-C" chant. You know what SEC schools love almost as much as their conference? Ratting out other SEC schools and dragging them down into the mud. If you're old enough then you remember the 80's and 90's when nearly SEC school was on probation at one time or another.
Cam Newton is amazing and I love watching him play but this stuff isn't going to stop coming out. The people you've pissed off are going to dig up any and every piece of dirt you've left in your wake. I'm not about to tell you this stuff isn't true because I assume everyone is cheating. I hope all this stuff isn't true, Auburn is one of the few schools I don't hold a grudge against and they've been nice enough to send the Longhorns a couple of really good defensive coordinators. I think the other schools in the SEC need to just get over the fact that a black quarterback is running roughshod over the rest of the conference and let the guy play. I'm going to open up a giant can of hate if these other programs continue to besmirch Cam's good name and ruin my chance to see an Oregon/Auburn title game. FREE CAM.
4. Dallas Cowboys -You had a great week by getting rid of Wade but unfortunately, you're still stuck with Jerry Jones and his band of clowns. Jerry's refusal to let anyone else be the GM and evaluate talent will continue to doom this franchise for the foreseeable future. The only period in which he did finally relinquish control was during the Parcell years. According to those who covered the team Jerry hated every minute of it. Hey, I'm not upset by this. I absolutely hate the Cowboys. I'm kind of bummed that Romo is hurt because I miss seeing that dumb look on his face every time he throws and interception. Don't worry though, I'm sure Jason Garrett and John Kitna will get this thing turned around.
5. Parents during time change - If you have young kids, the whole fall back, gain an hour of sleep is a myth. Kids don't run their life by a clock, they run by crazy internal kid time. If you have a kid that was waking up at 6 o'clock last week then they're probably waking up at 5 o'clock this week. In other words, unless you had a 1 year old trying to pull your nose off your face at 5 am, you probably made your own decision to give up that extra hour.
1. Halloween - I hate Halloween. I'm not a fan of strangers knocking on my door. I loathe the grown idiots who think it's either ironic or cool to still trick or treat. I don't support our national day of taking our kids out to work on their pan handling skills. However, I do love the costumes my wife comes up with. Except for the year she was pregnant with Cash, she always makes the kid's costumes and this year was no different. Last year the kids went as the Hiphopopotamus and Rhymenoceros but there just weren't enough Flight of the Conchords fans in our neighborhood to get it. This year Audrey went as the Tooth Fairy and Cash was her Quarter. They looked great and had a lot of fun but I still don't like the day.
2. Peter Pan - I took Audrey to see Peter Pan at the Alley on Saturday. It was an excellent production and I think they won over a new theater fan in Audrey. Big thanks to Barry Stagg (@bcstagg) for the tickets and back stage tour. Audrey was a little anxious to leave during the first act but once I let he know we weren't leaving, she settled in and loved it. She spent the rest of the day telling her mom everything about the play and especially about getting to meet the actor that played Peter.
3. Thursday Night TV - This past Thursday was the best day of television so far this season. The League and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia have been killing it for five weeks now. The Office finally produced an episode that reminded us why we continue to watch every week. Even Grey's Anatomy has been pretty good this season. I'm just eagerly waiting the penultimate Christina and Meredith murder/suicide episode we all so desperately want.
4. Walking Dead - Great, Great premiere episode. There's only six episodes in season one so get on this while it's still fresh.
5. Election Day - I hope everyone eligible got out and exercised their right to vote. I don't know how this is going to go and I'm neither a Democrat nor Republican but I'm all for anything that means I don't have to see Nancy Pelosi's disgusting face on my television.
Bottom 5
1. Longhorn Football - I would ask "what was that?" but unfortunately I know what that was. That was a Greg Davis special. The Longhorn offense has been pathetic all season but they keep finding ways to knock out the barrel's false bottom and find a new low. Of course, the past few games have been complete team meltdowns including muffed punts, missed tackles, dropped passes and overall poor game planning. I've never been a "Fire Greg Davis" guy up until this year but it is becoming painfully obvious a change is desperately needed. Then again I was Chris Simms over Major Applewhite guy so what the hell do I know. This is the last time the Horns will be in the power rankings. You can't be a failure or disappointment if there is no expectation of success.
2. My Netflix account - I need to apologize to my netflix account. I've had the same movies at home for six weeks now. I may consider canceling my account at the start of the football/fall tv seasons next year.
3. Youth soccer coaches - This is my daughter's second season playing soccer and we've been pretty lucky as far as coaches go. Her coaches so far have been very nice upbeat people that truly care about the kids having fun. Unfortunately, not all the coaches are like this. This week they played a team coached by That Guy. You know the guy. Under Armour pants, hat turned backwards, John Kreese type. He never actually said it but he came awfully close to screaming "finish him" at one point. Before the game he was out there bragging to the coach of our team how he had "one of those Indian kids and he can turn the ball real well. And I have two Spanish kids. They're my powerhouses." Nice dip shit. This is freaking FFPS. They don't even keep score and the kids are six. I'm sure there's a Dynamo call in show that's had a call or forty from this guy offering his "experienced coaching" advice to the Dynamo staff.
4. Gary Kubiak - You had two weeks and that's what you came up with? You decided the best way to attack a team with two of the best pass rushers in the league was to drop back snap after snap. I'm not a coach. Hell, I haven't even played football since junior high but I do know that strategy reeked of stupidity. You have the best receiver in the league and one of the best running games so of course you decide to eliminate them from the game. Go look at the schedule the rest of the way. This is an 8-8 team.
5. The World Series - I can not remember a World Series with less buzz that this one had. They played 45 innings and I think I watched 8 of them. I like baseball. I don't love baseball like I do football but I do enjoy watching the game. The FOX broadcast, extended commercial breaks and overall presentation has rendered the product unwatchable for me.
Every week someone or something pisses you off to the point of wanting to pound it to dust. At the very least you want to tell it to Eat A Dick. You need a place to vent. Hell, I need more than one place to vent. I need an entire planet to vent. Let this be your place. Feel free to leave a comment telling me all the people, places and things you want to Eat A Dick. You may even want to tell me to Eat A Dick. Good. I promise I deserve it.
Well, I can't think of a better time to do that than on a Monday. In Fact, let's get this started by telling Monday to Eat A Dick.
Monday can Eat A Dick. It's Monday nuff said.
Brett Favre can Eat A Dick. I would like to blame myself for waiting until the later rounds to take a quarterback but I've seen you play. Yes, you do need training camp. You do need to run drills with your receivers. No losing Sidney Rice is not an excuse. Yes you are ruining my fantasy football team. No you aren't bigger than the game or the franchise. Yes your coach looks and acts like Mr. Noodle. No this does not give you an excuse for being a giant suck hole.
Lowes and any other store that already has Christmas crap out can Eat A Dick. Really? You do realize it's September. Can you at least wait until the temperature drops below 90 before you want me to buy a wreath for my door?
Gary Kubiak's vagina can Eat A Dick. I'm thrilled the Texans beat the Redskins but Kubiak has shown on more than one occasion a penchant for clinching the old sphincter in critical moments. More than once we've all seen him play it safe and Sunday was no different. I know a 52 yard field goal is no gimme but on the road you have to go for the win when it's there. The end result does not excuse you for not kicking it in the first place.
The Dallas Cowboys and all their fans can Eat A Dick. This is Dallas hate week. Now don't get me wrong, every week is Dallas hate week but this one has a special significance. The Cowpokes are coming to town and the Texans are going to stomp a mudhole in them.
I don't want this to be all negative though. Let's hand out some chocolate bars to those people and things that have filled our hearts with joy over the past week.
Andre Johnson. You can have as many chocolate bars as you want. You sir are a stud.
Gary Kubiak. You get a chocolate bar for your genius icing the kicker timeout. It saved your ass.
Rubicon. You and your entire staff get chocolate bars. This show is getting better with every episode. Kale is becoming a television favorite of mine to the point that I'm becoming a little gay for him. I sincerely hope all you dip shits who've yet to get up on this show, correct that problem soon. If this gets canceled because you're not watching, I'm gonna hate you for a very long time.
Iron & Wine. Chocolate bar to you for finally scheduling a show in Houston. Sam Beam and company will be making an appearance at Fitzgerald's in November.
That is all for this week. Now everyone go out and show a Cowboys fan just how much you hate them.
