Television at the All Star Break

All Stars

Terriers - Terriers is an example of why I love and hate television. It was my favorite show of the 2010 fall season. Excellently cast, written and directed. Donal Logue brought the right balance of dry sarcasm and recovering burn out to the role of Hank Dolworth. Even though I couldn't stand Michael Raymond-James during his run as Rene on True Blood, I thought he was excellent as Hank's partner Britt on Terriers. The writers did a great job creating an updated version of Chinatown without obviously ripping off the Jack Nicholson classic.  Of course, since this was my favorite show of the season FX saw fit to cancel it a week after the season finale. Thanks.

The League & It's always sunny in Philadelphia - Both of these shows started the season slowly with lackluster premieres. Sunny continued a slow run as it wound down the Dennis get married arc but by mid season the shows were producing the funniest hour on television. Taco and Rafi were the the break out stars of the season going away. Taco treated us to modern classics like My Naginata, I'm inside of me and Ghost Monkey. The League added the fear boner, the murder boner and white knuckler to our lexicon this year.  Sunny focused outside the bar this season as we got to see the gang buy a boat, Charlie become a school janitor and Sweet Dee teach a high school Drama class. Mr. Shue could learn a thing or two from her. The highlight of Sunny's season was the premier of the gangs version of Lethal Weapon 5 if you haven't seen it, you need to fix that. Mac's turn as Sgt. Murtaugh is worth the price of admission.


Community - The writers finally figured out what to do with Britta and the show was all the better for it. I could have done without the Betty White cameo but Professor Chang's continued mission of becoming a part of the study group has delivered terrific comedic moments. If there is one thing Community does better than any other show, it's a theme episode. Starting with last season's Modern Warfare episode Community has produced a handful of well crafted clever theme episodes spoofing zombie movies, conspiracy theories and animated Christmas specials.

OK Maybe I have a thing for Lexie

Grey's Anatomy - Yeah, I'm shocked too but this has been the best Grey's season in years. Seems as though the loose gunman in last season's finale opened a wealth of potential character story lines. Dr. Webber is back in his rightful position of Chief. The story lines based around the love lives of the doctors is far less soap opera like since writing off both Izzy and George. The show has been able to get back to the core cast of doctors struggling with the decisions of a demanding career.

30 for 30 - I didn't watch all the 30 for 30 episodes just the ones who's subject interested me. In no particular order my favorite episodes were Run Ricky Run, Pony Excess, Who Killed the USFL?, The U, The Two Escobars, Into the Wind and The Best That Never Was.

Good but not Great

Sons of Anarchy - The season was very uneven and even silly at times. The whole Belfast saga bordered on ridiculous but a great season finale made up of a lot of the disappointments and set things up nicely for next season.


Walking Dead - WD had a great season premier but it's shortened six episode season failed to deliver. The show focused on too many characters we don't care about and really let everyone down with a dud of a finale. Hopefully, a longer run and nearly a year to develop will produce a better season next year.

Modern Family - Season 2 has been a small step back for Modern Family. More Phil and Cameron and less Haley and Alex will go a long way to fixing that.

Todd Margaret- Running Wilde was supposed to be 2010's hit sitcom starring Will Arnett and David Cross but that show has already been canceled. However, over on IFC there is a much better comedy starring David Cross and Will Arnett called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Since it's on IFC and not under the constraints of network television, David Cross is free to let go and do David Cross things.

30 Rock - Another good but not spectacular season from 30 Rock. Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan have basically carried this show for a while now. They need to return to featuring the writers like Judah Friedlander more and less Kenneth. I have to wonder what effect Tracy Morgan's kidney transplant will have on the show but if that means more Jenna then 30 Rock could quickly slide off the DVR roster. This season's Reaganing is one of my all time favorites.

Rubicon - Rubicon's season was the complete opposite of Sons of Anarchy. Rubicon had a great season exposing a little bit more of the mystery and conspiracy with every episode. The story evolved at a measured pace but fans of the show expected this. Then they crapped the bed with a hurried, disorganized finale. Ultimately, the bad finale didn't matter since AMC canceled the show after just one season. I would like the creators get another shot to entertain us though.

Mad Men - Weird season for Don Draper and we all know Mad Men goes as Don Draper goes. I think this will turn out to be just transition season as we saw Peggy and Pete step into more important roles with the firm. The most intriguing item from this past season was Sterling's Gold.

Boardwalk Empire -  I think I'm more excited for next season than I was happy with this first season. Michael Pitt delivered gold as Jimmy and Stephen Graham was magnificent as Al Capone. Eli, Jimmy and the Commodore plotting Nucky's downfall has me excited about next season but I think I'd be much more excited to learn of a spin off based on Al Capone and the Chicago crew. Make it happen. BTW I think I finally figured out what it is about Lucy that has always bothered me.

Top Chef- The fact that I had to look up who won this last season should tell you all you need to know about last season. Angelo, Tiffany and Ed provided some nice moments but DC was a failure as a location and Eric Rippert was a dud as a regular judge. The All Stars season has already been better than last season even though I haven't agreed with the judges more often than not.

Down Season

Dexter - Oh how you let me down this season Dex. You took up with a terribly uninteresting woman in Lumen. You and Quinn have struck a very strange truce and for whatever reason you let the most heinous killer on the show, Batista and LaGuerta's relationship continue to ruin our lives. The writers turned the most interesting story line, the

Weeds - I have no idea why I haven't cut this show yet. Andy, Doug and Silas are basically the only reasons I keep coming back. Nancy got to whore it up with Zack Morris for a couple of episodes and the traveling evangelical pot show was fun while it lasted but this show has the focus of a High Times staff meeting.

Survivor - Once they voted off Jimmy Johnson and the guy who looked like Moose Johnston the season was exceptionally boring. The positive was I able to watch entire episodes in less than 20 minutes. More conniving, back stabbing players always makes for a more interesting season. Let's try to get it right next time.

Big Bang Theory - The joke has worn thin. We get it. Smart guys living across the hall from hot girl. Sheldon is difficult to live with. Leonard is romantically tortured and they're all big dorks. The addition of Blossom as the female version of Sheldon hasn't added much to the equation. It may be time to wrap this one up.

The Office - I guess we shouldn't call it a down season once it becomes a trend. The Office has been slipping for years and so far this season if appears Michael Scott is going to go out with a whimper. The first half of the season has produced three good episodes. I think most hardcore Office fans wish the producers had decided to end the shows run at the end this season with the departure of Michael. At least we did get to vicariously exercise some of our anger towards Jim's character through Dwight's snowball demolishing of his manhood.

East Bound & Down - The season in Mexico failed on many levels. Mostly it failed by trying to tell the same joke over and over. Don Johnson's stint at Kenny's dad was unnecessary and not particularly funny. They took way to long to get the highlight of the season, Stevie down to Mexico. I'm interested to see if there's anywhere they can take Kenny that will keep us entertained with new comedic situations.

Project Runway - Generally boring cast + unexplained bad judging = bad season.



Cut from the DVR roster

The Big C - This show proved that it takes more than Oliver Platt to keep me interested in a show. Laura Linney was able to create the most unlikeable cancer patient in the history of television. Even Kevin Garnett would agree with me on that.

Glee - Wow. You guys were able to take a fun, interesting show and turn it into a terrible weekly hatefest in record time. Last season, the Glee kids were worth rooting for as the school underdogs. This season I wanted to see them all drown in a giant Slurpee. Want a lesson on doing theme shows? See Community.

No Ordinary Family - Never really got off the ground for me. I hated the kids and wanted more Conrad and Vick Mackey from Romany Malco and Michael Chiklis. I'm not sure crime fighting super heroes can successfully work as a family show. Super heroes inherently require dark sides to balance their powers.

S#*! My Dad Says - The opening credits rolled and the show immediately went from 0 to terrible. I lasted one episode and just barely. A sitcom without a single funny moment might not work.

How I Met Your Mother - Much like Big Bang Theory, HIMYM seems to have run it's course. Get to the part where you meet their mother already. We get it. You have a womanizing friend who wears suits and is played by Doogie Howser. You're friends with a kookie married couple and a struggling news anchor and you really like architecture. Now how did you meet these never aging super patient kid's mother?

More Lenore please

The United States of Tara - Maybe I just hate female lead characters or maybe Tara's multiple personalities wore on me almost as much as her ultra liberal hip family. Do television writers have kids? Based on the kids in these shows I would say no, terrible, terrible characters.

Nurse Jackie -I've been re-watching The Sopranos lately and I find that I have to fast forward through all Melfi and most Carmella scenes because I can't stand Edie Falco's voice and face. A hatred for some one's voice and face make it very difficult to enjoy a show centered on that person.

Hung - It's gonna take a lot more full frontal scenes of Lenore and far fewer scenes of Tanya and Ray's kids to get me to watch again.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/14/10

Top 5

It's been a pretty shitty week so I'm discontinuing the top 5 this week. If I was going to have one GSP's destruction of Josh Koscheck would definitely be at the top. However, my six year old crawled in bed with us last night and then pissed the bed. So, I'm not in the mood to celebrate anything.

Bottom 5

1. Girl working the window at Chick-fil-a - This chick made the list. On my way to get my kid from school, I decided I really needed an iced tea and brownie from Chick-fil-la. Like any other time I waited in the drive thru for 15 minutes to get my order. When I took the bag it felt kind of heavy and even though my instinct told me to check it, my brain knowing what time it was told me I had no time and sped away. Plus, the girl said "here's your brownie" when she handed me the bag. Once up on the freeway I reached in to enjoy my chocolaty goodness only to find a fucking fruit bowl instead of a brownie. I'm a fat guy and us fat guys don't take kindly to someone replacing our desserts with fruit. I don't know how I'm going to get this person back yet, but I am. Maybe, give her a "stink Lincoln." If you don't know what that is it's probably because I just made it up but it involves a $5 bill and a very stinky part of my anatomy.

2. Texas Longhorns - I thought I was done writing about this crappy Longhorn season and then this weekend happened. Thanks for the cherry on my shit sundae Will. Mack Brown already had an offensive coordinator, quarterbacks coach and offensive line coach to replace and then Florida came a calling for Will Muschamp. Now Mack has to completely rebuild both his offensive and defensive staffs along with keeping a nervous recruiting class on board. My hope is that Mack heeds the lessons of his past and allows himself to step outside his comfort zone to hire the best guys for the job but I'm starting to get the feeling he may want someone he's familiar with. I would have no issue with him promoting Major Applewhite to OC. Major was OC at Rice and Alabama before returning home to Texas. From all accounts, he would be an aggressive play caller and with Muschamp now gone he looks to have the inside track to the top spot once Mack leaves. I'm not exactly excited about Mack's desire to return to a power running game. I think the college game has evolved and a more innovated style is required to attracted a higher level of player. On the defensive side, I'd like to see Randy Shannon hired as DC. Shannon had a solid track record as DC for Miami finishing 7th or better 5 out his 6 years nationally and is a top notch recruiter. He understands coaching speed and developing NFL quality players.

3. Metrodome - You're in Minneapolis right? You've had snow before right? I thought the video of the roof collapsing was shocking then I read that this was the fourth time the roof has collapsed because of snow. What? Look, I think it's time you guys upgraded. I can get you a deal on a slightly used domed stadium. Just send your guys down to Fannin here in Houston and we'll find a way to get the "8th Wonder of the World" sent your way.

4. Dexter - ***SPOILERS AHEAD*** What the fuck was that. Just terrible. The whole season had been just blah but that finale was a total crap sandwich. Oh great you got your bad guy on the table but every thing else was way too mushy Hallmark cardish. From Rita's kids asking to spend the summer with Dex to Batista giving Laguerta some anniversary gift it was all too much. At least Masuka had the decency to bring a hooker to Harrison's birthday party. Everything came a little too easy in the finale. Jordan took himself to a secluded place to be killed. There was a convenient plastic sheet up so Deb couldn't see her brother holding a bloody knife. Quinn and Dexter creating some weird unspoken truce. My hope was that Dexter would go the way of SOA and bring the show back to its basics with a dark singularly focused Dexter and redeem themselves for a mostly forgettable season. That was your mulligan Dex. Time to go back to work.

5. Ketchup Bottles - The Texans are wearing those terrible ketchup bottle uniforms tonight. As if the defense hadn't been bloodied enough now they're going to look the part too. I love the battle red jerseys. They're one of the best in the league but the red pants are hideous. I hate monochromatic unis to begin with so I was against the very idea of these uniforms but the reality of them is even worse. At least with black or blue the horribleness doesn't stand out quite as much. Please Texans, next season when you've blown out the old regime and are ready to start anew, lets go back to wearing the white pants with the red jerseys.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/29/10

Top 5



1. Andre Johnson - How great was Dre's day? Let's see. Set an NFL record for being the first receiver to catch 60+ balls in their first 8 seasons. Check. Catch a touchdown to help your team beat one of your biggest rivals. Check. Lay a beat down on the love child of Josh Koscheck and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Check Check.

2. Nevada - God bless Nevada. You blessed creatures have saved us all from a month of Boise St. overload. I actually gave up on Nevada at halftime when the game was at 24-7. Boise was moving the ball at will and Nevada just didn't seem up to the task. Thankfully I was wrong about Nevada and Boise showed they were not above choking away a lead. Thanks again Nevada and thank you Kyle Brotzman.

3. Terriers -If you haven't been watching Terriers this season then you need to fix that. Terriers is my run away choice for drama rookie of the year. I find the story lines better than Boardwalk Empire and the performances better than Justified. I know there have been rumors of it meeting the same fate as that other rookie, Rubicon. I don't want to face losing another of my favorite shows because you people aren't smart enough to watch it.

4. Antidepressants - To say I'm not a Christmas person would be more than a small understatement. I've always been a bit too socially awkward to be comfortable and much to self indulgent to care how that made others feel. Even as a kid I didn't enjoy Christmas. I never seemed to have the right reaction to a gift and couldn't fake small talk well enough to put others at ease. Now, I'm able to get through the Christmas because I have kids and antidepressants. The kids help me enjoy Christmas because it's about them and their happiness makes me happy. The antidepressants help me deal with everyone else who actually enjoys Christmas.

5. Texas high school football playoffs - I went to my first high school football game since 2002 Saturday night and had a great time. I got a chance to see some people I hadn't seen in years. I mostly hung out with some of my brother's old crew and these boys made the game that much better. The mighty Roughnecks were able to overcome a disastrous second half to advance to the class 3A semi finals. As fate would have it, the Roughnecks are playing at the Berry Center again this week. I've already made my plans to be there. I just need to send Mondo a message to save me seat so I can watch it with those nuts again.

Bottom 5

1. Boise St. - Poor, Poor Boise, this was a tough week, wasn't it. First, they see all their hopes and dreams get flushed down the drain when they choked away the Nevada game. Then, just when things couldn't get worse, TCU bolts for the Big East. Remember a few months ago when you left the WAC to join Utah, BYU and TCU in the Mountain West. That didn't quite work out did it. Now, I'm a well documented hater of BSU but not for the reasons you think. I'm all for the little guy rising up to shake the system. I'm just not for Boise being that little guy. Their fans are insufferable. When you watch a Boise game the first thing you notice is the striking similarities between Boise and Utah Jazz fan, white, angry and way too self important. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see them do a pass interference call in unison. I know you want to be a player and as long as Chris Peterson is there you might just be. Just know that most of us hate you. So, stop being angry, stop playing most of your games on weekdays, get yourself into a real conference and most importantly get rid of that stupid blue turf.

2. College Voters - I'm probably the last person you'll hear defending Texas A&M but even I find it completely ridiculous that they fell in every single poll this week. They have been on a six game winning streak that included beating Oklahoma, Nebraska and finally arch rival Texas. Yes, Texas sucked this season but I was at that game and from the second half kick on the outcome was never in doubt. Still their victory over UT was so unimpressive that AP voters actually dropped them two spots from 17 to 19. As a result, they will have to watch two of the teams they beat over that past month play for the Big 12 Championship. Just another feather in the cap for college football legitimacy.


3. Kiddie Park - So I was told this was a San Antonio icon. Now if you follow me on twitter, you are well aware of my disdain for the city of San Antonio. I find it to be one of the saddest places on earth. Anyway, this is about Kiddie Park. So let me set the scene. If you grew up in Houston picture Peppermint Park but outside. If not just imagine a scaled down version of a traveling carnival with rides only for kids 1-10 years old. Now, age that carnival 100 years. Place it between a row of crack houses and a ravine to dump any dead bodies. Then hire the inhabitants of said crack houses to run and maintain the rides. Now, before you let your kids ride anything, cover everything with a nice glaze of tetanus and communicable disease. That is Kiddie Park, San Antonio icon.

4. Sgt. Malarkey & Agent Sebso - Poor Sgt. Malarkey we barely got to know you. You came into our lives and let Jordan Chase tell you what to do. Then the next thing you know, you wake up shrink wrapped to a table in a meticulously built kill room with the woman you raped and tortured ready to jam a very large knife in to your heart. Goodbye. You, Agent Sebso we knew a little longer but it was a bad day for you as well. You mistake was not following your instincts to transfer out of Jersey. Instead, you follow that lunatic Van Alden down to the river and beyond all reason let him baptize you. Huh? I know this won't help you now but if a crazy person asks to let him dunk you under water, don't.

5. Green Lantern - We have a new candidate for worst movie ever made. I saw the trailer the other day and Wow. That movie looks terrible. I mean like Dare Devil terrible, Ashton Kutcher movie terrible. I've got an idea for Hollywood. How about you try casting a good actor in one of these parts? Ryan Reynolds? Really? You do realize he was once the star of something called Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Parlor.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/15/10

Top 5

1. Manny Pacquiao - I don't know if he's the baddest man on the planet but he's damn sure the best pound for pound boxer. I can't remember another fight with such a disparity in size. Margarito towered over Pacman and out weighed him by at least 20lbs and Manny just surgically dismantled him. How bad was it? Margarito is on the short list of worst people in sports and people watching the fight were essentially begging the referee to stop it. Like the other four boxing fans, I'd love to see Manny get a shot at Floyd Mayweather but He'd made it pretty clear he doesn't want any real opponents.

2. Dexter - I've been slow to warm to this season of Dexter but I have to admit I'm really enjoying the budding relationship between Lumen and Dexter. I am bothered by how many people have now known what Dexter does in his spare time and he's never been in any real danger of being exposed. Those worries are far less a concern than getting rid of any story line involving La Guerta. Thankfully, I DVR the show and can FF through most of her scenes.

3. Lethal Weapon 5 - Sunny killed from start to finish this week. Lethal Weapon 5? Yes please. I pray there is a longer form of this included with the Blu Ray version of this season. Has there ever been another show in which a Jugalo, a man in black face, soft core porn, a high school field trip and Dave Nelson of WNYX have all come together in one beautiful story. I think not.

4. The Ol' Ball Coach - Congrats to Steve Spurrier. It took several years but it looks like he's finally earning that membership to Augusta National he reportedly got when he agreed to coach South Carolina. College football is better when Spurrier is winning. No body is more arrogant and funny at the same time than Spurrier as king of the mountain. I'm sure beating Florida and that smarmy slime bag Urban Meyer to clinch the SEC east probably tasted pretty good too. An SEC Championship game featuring the two best players in the conference, Lattimore and Newton, should be great. Too bad Chizik has no chance of measuring up to the ol' ball coach.

5. 30 for 30 - I finally got around to watching the 30 for 30 documentary on Marcus Dupree. It was another excellent doc. The best parts of the film were the interviews with Fred Akers, Barry Switzer, Tommy Reaux and Luscious Selmon. It's was sad to see how he was used by Maverick Carter, uh I mean Ken Fairley. Then again anyone who follows the advice of Billy Sims instead of Earl Campbell is kind of asking for bad shit to happen to them anyway.

Bottom 5

1. Football - This I was witness to a personal football apocalyptic superfecta. That would be the Losses by the Longhorns and Texans combined with victories by OU, A&M and Dallas. I'm starting to think the football gods are punishing me for taking this season off from gambling. My goal was to see if my enjoyment diminished when I didn't have money riding on games. In fact, I find it much easier to get engrossed in one game without worrying about what is going on in every other game on the slate. I fully expect to be back to my degenerate ways next season but so far this year it's been nice to just sit back and take a deep breath.

2. Poorly timed epidemics - This past Saturday was my 20 year high school reunion. Wow that reminds me, when I was 20 and my boss was going to his 20 year reunion and all I could think was "this dude is old." Anyway, We had plans to take the kids to the BBQ during the day then drop them off with my parents so we could go to the dinner party that evening. However, fate had another plan. On Thursday Denise came down with a sinus infection, both kids already had colds and then Friday night I was hit with a stomach bug. You know the kind, you're up all night spending a lot of intimate time with your best friend Johnny. My stomach bug lasted well into the next day so I wasn't nearly brave enough to travel, let alone with kids. So, I missed the reunion and a chance to catch up with a bunch of folks I've known since preK but haven't seen in a decade. Thanks to Facebook, it looks like everyone had a great time and I can definitively say I am aging much better than the rest of my classmates. Here's to the 40th reunion when I still look 35 and you all look like Al Davis.

3. Guys in pajama pants - A few years ago I noticed more and more teenage girls wearing pajama pants out in public. I gave this little attention because I assume all teenagers are stupid and these girls probably just didn't realize they hadn't changed clothes yet. Then grown women started to follow suit. Again, I let this slide because women are generally soft and sometimes make me feel special and funny. On Sunday, we went for our traditional weekend breakfast at Harris County Smokehouse (best buttermilk pancakes in Houston) and I see a man in his 30's wearing a t-shirt, flip-flops and pajama pants. My first thought was to figure out the odds of the cops at the next table arresting me if I threw the pot of hot gravy on this guy. I figured 50/50 at best but considering my issues from the previous day I didn't want to spend any time in a dirty jail cell. Even though I had to let this guy walk after committing this atrocity, I want to make it abundantly clear this is never acceptable. I have a long recorded record of my hatred for guys wearing flip flops but to add the pajama pants makes me assume you are either mentally challenged or you want to be hit by a car. I'm all for comfort but keep it classy guys. No body wants to catch an unfortunate encounter with you and a loose piss flap.

4. Restaurants with smoking sections - One of Audrey's classmates had a birthday party on Friday night out in Katy. The party was girls only so we had a few hours to kill before we picked her up. Driving 45 minutes home seemed pointless so we decided to grab a bite to eat in Katy. Since I failed to get a recommendation from a local I decided to support my favorite radio station, 1560 The Game, by eating at one of their sponsors. We settled on Wild Wing Cafe since neither of us had been there before. I can confidently say I won't be going back. The food was your typical fried fare, neither terrible nor spectacular. The problem though was that as soon as you walked through the door you were overwhelmed by smoke. I thought we had settled this long ago. If you have a smoking and non smoking section, what you really have is a smoking and a slightly less smokey area. Thankfully, I noticed just a few people on the patio and none of them smoking. About 15 minutes into our meal a group of guys all dressed like Quin from Dexter sat down at the table next to us and proceeded to chain smoke. I have both a wife and daughter who suffer with asthma as well as 19 month old toddler, so my tolerance for smoking is somewhere between stealing from the elderly and strangling puppies. If I'd known they were a smoking establishment, I never would have gone there in the first place but as anyone with kids will tell you, once the kids are out of the car you've made your decision.

5. Antonio Margarito's Eye - As I previously stated, Margarito is a bad guy. I was glad to see him get pummeled Saturday night. Hell, I would have been fine with a mid fight rule change to extend the beating to 15 rounds. He deserves every bit of that ass whooping but for those who didn't see it, take a look at that eye. The slab of meat they glued to Rocky's face at the end of Rocky I didn't look that gnarly. Manny pounded that eye round after round and Margarito was too slow and too blind to do anything about it.