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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Forget it, Donkey, it's Netflixtown

Private Investigator must have been the most bad ass job during the 30's, 40's and 50's. The guys were constantly nailing the jilted client or the dysfunctional target. They moved seamlessly amongst lawmen and the leaders of the underworld alike. They had the freedom to capitalize on play both sides against the middle and always found a way to get paid. Even in the 80's you had Thomas Magnum driving around in a Ferrari and slaying everything that moved in Hawaii. Before he was a movie star Bruce Willis as David Addison was able to charm his way into every random pair of panties that walked through the office doors while still working Maddie

So what happened over the past two decades? I have a friend who is a PI and from the stories he tells, the life isn't all that exciting. You apparently work crazy hours, spend your nights waiting for guilty couples to come out of hotel rooms and getting to break the news to women that their husband can't keep it in his pants. As far as I can tell, the jilted spouse never wants a revenge bang from the PI.


I can only assume PIs coast to coast spend those long hours in strip club parking lots dreaming about the good old days.

Chinatown - See -The latest installment of my 70's classics series was Chinatown. A beautiful film noir directed by Roman Polanski and starring Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway. The story twists and turns like a lonely road in the Hollywood Hills. Private investigator JJ Gettis (Nicholson) seemingly ends up working for everyone before the movie is over. Every time he thinks he knows what he's looking for or who's to blame the case takes a hard right turn. This is a great film.

The Runaways - Don't See - About 20 minutes into The Runaways I sent out a tweet stating I was watching it. A friend asked me what it was so I sent him a link with the description. His response "that looks like the worst movie ever." He wasn't far off. If you know anything about the band The Runaways, who's members included Joan Jett and Lita Ford, you know there is a great story behind the band's success. This movie failed to capture any of the compelling parts of their story. Pile on terrible performances by Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning and you have one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

Happiness - Don't See - I read the reviews and saw where the cast won numerous awards at Sundance and other film festivals but once I put the DVD in and started watching, it failed to deliver. I badly wanted to like this movie. You have Jane Adams when she still resembled someone attractive, opposed to Tanya on Hung and Phillip Seymour Hoffman jerking off while calling a random person in the phone book (Jane Adams). What more could you want? However, if I fall asleep twice in the first hour of your movie, then it probably isn't for me. I ended up turning it off after the second time I dozed off. Unfortunately, the last scene I saw was the pedophile character offering to teach his nine year old son how to masturbate. I wish I had turned it off five minutes earlier.

The Cool School - See - Good not great documentary about a group of modern artists in the LA area during the 50's and 60's. They were the artists who basically created the art scene in LA. If you don't have any interest in art itself then you probably won't care much for the movie. However, if art is a point of interest then it's very engaging. Interviews with the artists' friends, Dennis Hopper and Dean Stockwell, only add to the cool factor. 

The Thin Blue Line - See - This is a very good crime documentary by esteemed documentary film maker Errol Morris.  Morris uses his film to shoot holes in the Dallas Police's case against Randall Adams for the murder of a Dallas area police officer Robert Woods. Morris interviews several material witnesses from Adams trial along with individuals who disputed the credibility of the witnesses. As you watch the movie unfold, you find it hard to believe an investigation could be botched this badly. The graphics and style seem a bit dated now but those are the only issues I have with this movie.

Date Night - Don't See - Two very funny actors making one very unfunny movie. Steve Carell in a bad movie is no surprise. Since becoming famous on The Office, it should be obvious to everyone, he has given up on trying to make a decent movie. Maybe, after he leaves the show next year, he'll start to give a crap again about the type of project he lends his name to. I had much higher hopes for Tina Fey. I though Baby Mama was a decent movie and since she was head writer on SNL, she seemed to still care about the quality of her films. Either she really misjudged this script or the director butchered the writers vision. Regardless, the final result was a less than entertaining movie.

The Staircase - See - I challenge anyone to watch this documentary series originally aired on the Sundance Channel and not change your mind twelve times every episode on whether or not you think Michael Peterson is guilty. By the end I had a pretty good idea of his guilt but had I been on a jury I don't think I could convict beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's amazing the documentary crew was able to begin capturing the story within a couple of weeks of Kathleen Peterson's death. The director Jean-Xavier de Lestrade delivers a tremendous story with so many twists and plot points, you'll find it hard to believe it's all real.

Conspiracy - See - Conspiracy is a HBO movie from 2001. It stars not what I would call an All-Star cast but a cast made up of very good actors, including Kenneth Branaugh, Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci. It tells the story of the Wannsee Conference. This was a secret meeting of Nazi power brokers including Adolf Eichmann, to discuss the final solution to the Jewish question. Eichmann had strictly instructed everyone to destroy their copy of the conference minutes once they had read them. Fortunately, German politician Martin Luther failed to follow these instructions and the only known copy of the conference's minutes were uncovered and another window into Nazi scumbaggery was opened.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Eat A D*ck and Chocolate Bars

Every week someone or something pisses you off to the point of wanting to pound it to dust. At the very least you want to tell it to Eat A Dick. You need a place to vent. Hell, I need more than one place to vent. I need an entire planet to vent. Let this be your place. Feel free to leave a comment telling me all the people, places and things you want to Eat A Dick. You may even want to tell me to Eat A Dick. Good. I promise I deserve it.

Well, I can't think of a better time to do that than on a Monday. In Fact, let's get this started by telling Monday to Eat A Dick.

Monday can Eat A Dick.  It's Monday nuff said.

Brett Favre can Eat A Dick. I would like to blame myself for waiting until the later rounds to take a quarterback but I've seen you play. Yes, you do need training camp. You do need to run drills with your receivers. No losing Sidney Rice is not an excuse. Yes you are ruining my fantasy football team. No you aren't bigger than the game or the franchise. Yes your coach looks and acts like Mr. Noodle. No this does not give you an excuse for being a giant suck hole.

Lowes and any other store that already has Christmas crap out can Eat A Dick. Really? You do realize it's September. Can you at least wait until the temperature drops below 90 before you want me to buy a wreath for my door?

Gary Kubiak's vagina can Eat A Dick. I'm thrilled the Texans beat the Redskins but Kubiak has shown on more than one occasion a penchant for clinching the old sphincter in critical moments. More than once we've all seen him play it safe and Sunday was no different. I know a 52 yard field goal is no gimme but on the road you have to go for the win when it's there. The end result does not excuse you for not kicking it in the first place.

The Dallas Cowboys and all their fans can Eat A Dick. This is Dallas hate week. Now don't get me wrong, every week is Dallas hate week but this one has a special significance. The Cowpokes are coming to town and the Texans are going to stomp a mudhole in them.

I don't want this to be all negative though. Let's hand out some chocolate bars to those people and things that have filled our hearts with joy over the past week.

Andre Johnson. You can have as many chocolate bars as you want. You sir are a stud.

Gary Kubiak. You get a chocolate bar for your genius icing the kicker timeout. It saved your ass.

Rubicon. You and your entire staff get chocolate bars. This show is getting better with every episode. Kale is becoming a television favorite of mine to the point that I'm becoming a little gay for him. I sincerely hope all you dip shits who've yet to get up on this show, correct that problem soon. If this gets canceled because you're not watching, I'm gonna hate you for a very long time.

Iron & Wine. Chocolate bar to you for finally scheduling a show in Houston. Sam Beam and company will be making an appearance at Fitzgerald's in November.


That is all for this week. Now everyone go out and show a Cowboys fan just how much you hate them.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Back on the wagon

It was a bad, bad, bad week on the weight loss front. Two Fridays ago, I took the kid to school and on the way home decided I'd have a donut. It's just one donut. It won't hurt. I got two buttermilk glazed donuts and ate them in about 45 seconds. From there I fell completely off the wagon. By Monday, I was blowing guys in a Buc-ees bathroom for a Snickers bar. Tuesday, I passed out after scoring a giant chicken fried steak with cream gravy. The rest of the week is just a blur of cupcakes and Ben & Jerrry's ice cream.

Saturday afternoon I realized I needed to get back in the program. Tuesday morning I crawled back into the QWLC and was honest about my transgressions. Over the course of the week I had gained 4 pounds but felt much worse emotionally for my backslide.

They put me on a restart program to get me back to losing. I've lost 6 pounds since the restart so I'm actually lower than before I went on my binge.

Gotta stay focused. Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can't Lose.

Starting weight: 333
Current weight: 294
pounds lost: 39
weeks: 10

Monday, September 6, 2010

Texas vs. Rice

My wife and I got a chance to go to the Rice/UT game Saturday at Reliant Stadium thanks to a pair of swell grandparents and a friend who bought good tickets and scheduled a vacation on the same weekend. The outcome of the game was predictable but at an event like this the game itself is only part of the experience. Since this was the opening weekend of the college football season, I wanted to check out how the Longhorns transition from the spread offense they ran with VY and Colt McCoy to a pro style offense under Garrett Gilbert was going.  Of course and possibly most importantly, people watching is always on the agenda.

The Fans
I love the University of Texas. I hope one day my kids feel the same and graduate from UT. That's assuming they are still accepting WASPS then. My wife and I are football season ticket holders. Any games I can't attend in person I watch on television. However, there is a one certain element I could live without. Yeah, I'm talking about you penny loafer, popped collar, country club guy. I know, I know, you give lots of money to the university and maybe it's because if you they continue to build beautiful facilities but you're also the reason everyone hates UT. I'm sure the Aggies feel the same about their fans who drive maroon cars and have sex with animals. Just like the Sooners don't like to talk about their fans who live in trailers and cook meth.  You just learn to deal with it.

I started to feel sorry for the women at the game who were attractive but not smoking hot. There were so many smoking hot females along with so many complete train wrecks at the game, the women who fell in between just kind of got lost. Of course the first girl I saw in Rice gear had what can only be described as "leg acne." Rice shouldn't fret though, I did see three attractive Rice fans around the stadium. Still, even when you play a school like Rice that is no excuse for you, Mrs. Fiftysomething to wear a see through burn out t-shirt, inside out. Unless, you really believe it's The University of Texas SNROHGNOL. Shameful. 

The Experience
I was a Texans season ticket holder for the first four years of their existence. As a yellow lot resident, I had the previledge of walking from Main, past the practice fields, across Kirby then finally to the stadium each home game. There was a 32% chance of dying in the parking lot after a September game and taking a piss in a Reliant stadium Port-o-Johns is the ninth biggest killer in Houston. For this game, We decided to use the South Fannin park & ride and ride the rail to the stadium. This was the best decision we could have made. There was plenty of parking at the Metro lot and a short walk to the platform. We only had to wait a few minutes for the next train to arrive then the ride itself took just a couple of minutes. The walk from the Metro platform to the stadium is much shorter than from the yellow lot. Especially, if you want to go in at the North gate. When we left, we once again only had to wait a few minutes for the next train to arrive and we were able to quickly exit the Metro parking lot without having to deal with any of the stadium traffic. I encourage you all to continue using the stadium parking lots and keep the ease of the Metro lots a secret between just us.

In the eight years it's been open, I've sat all over the stadium. We had 6th row field level seats on the 20 yard line for this game. These seats are great for getting to see all the action on the sideline and for getting a sense of how fast the game really is. They were also great if you wanted to know when Bevo took a dump. About 45 seconds after said dump the wonderful cow patty aroma would engulf you. Overall, I still prefer the club level. You can see plays develop better from the club level than the field seats but because the seating at Reliant is very vertical, you're still close to the action.

It's obvious to me and it should be to Bob McNair, the reason the Texans haven't made the playoffs yet is that they serve Breyer's instead of Blue Bell ice cream at Reliant Stadium. Come on Texans. I mean you're called The Texans for God's sake. Get with the program and serve the best ice cream in all the land. 

The Team
The defense had a rough first drive especially the secondary but they settled down in the second quarter and pretty much dominated the rest of the game. That doesn't count a 47 yard brain fart with 16 seconds left in the half. I've got a huge man crush on this year's defensive line. Kheeston Randall and Sam Acho had their names called all night and even freshman Jackson Jeffcoat got into the act.

The Offense was a different story. I still don't really understand why Mack Brown feels like they need to change the offense to a more pro style system when they've had so much success running the spread option the past 5-6 years. The running game has a long way to go to even be average. Starter Cody Johnson struggled to get anything going and was completely stoned in goal line situations. Tre Newton wasn't much better but ended up scoring three goal line touchdowns. Fozzy Whitaker showed the most explosiveness but was limited to 9 carries. Maybe we've just been spoiled by Colt McCoy's crazy accuracy but Gilbert was unimpressive at best He short armed several passes and missed on a couple deep opportunities. He definitely has the arm and I was very impressed with his ability to throw while on the run but I never got the feeling he was the leader on the field.  I'm willing to be patient and give him time to develop into that leadership role but this team needs to improve in several areas before the OU, Nebraska back to backs.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Quick Hitters

I'm gonna fire out a few thoughts I've had this week. They're pretty football centric but I've got a little something for everyone.

Holy Shit! that fish talks
- My daughter was watching the Style network the other day and I was absolutely floored when I saw not only had they taught this fish to talk but it could also host its own show.

- I barely care about preseason football. They haven't invented instruments to measure the level of care I have for the last preseason game. Let's just say it's hanging out with preseason basketball and someone else's ingrown toenail.

- I just read a story on Jennifer Grey finding cancerous lump because of her DWTS physical check up. The most shocking part of the story was finding out the she is 50 years old. Holy Shit! How old am I?

- The college football season started tonight. God we live in a great country.

- Further proof that I'm morphing into a girl, I actually debated with myself whether or not to turn on Project Runway during the Pitt/Utah game.  I will now go remove my tampon.


- Shouldn't Bristol Palin be going to college or something? Isn't that what young republicans are supposed to do? Go to college, drink a ton, do lots of cocaine and manipulate their classmates into do their homework.









- I'm trying to not gamble on football this season. It's not a moral decision or a financial one. Just an experiment to test my level of enjoyment I get from football alone.




- I love Jenn Brown.

- I hate Dr. Lou.

- I've had 5 fantasy football drafts so far and somehow I've only overlapped 3 players.

- If you love football then do yourself a favor and send an email to sidelineview@gmail.com. Lance Zierlein and John Harris put out one of the best football (pro and college) newsletters around. There's a nominal fee for the year but it's worth it. They're sending out a free 230 page College and NFL Preview magazine.

- My national champion pick this year: Texas. Of course, the Longhorns have been my pick to win it all 30 years running.

- Eff You Top Chef. Tiffany has been the most consistent contestant this season and she gets the boot the episode before Singapore. FU.

- Busy fall concert season coming up. I had to decide which shows I want to get out to see. Looks like I've got it down to 4. Drive by Truckers in Sept, Chris Isaak in Oct, Bob Schneider in Nov, Social Distortion in Nov. I wanted to add the Old 97's in Oct but I've seen them a ton of times and just couldn't fit them in. If you've never seen them though you should definitely check them out.

    Wednesday, September 1, 2010

    Weightloss Wednesday - 9/1

    Ok, I haven't written about my weight loss in a couple weeks but if you follow me on twitter, and you should (@fidoz), you already know that I'm under 300lbs. I've used the last 2 weeks to consider what exactly that means.

    Well, what that means depends on who you are.
    • To my cardiologist, whom I saw the other day, it means that I'm finally taking their advice and getting the weight off. 
    • To my home, it means I've got more energy and have been keeping a much better house. Minus the destruction brought on by a nutty six year old.
    • To my yard, it means I just bought a lawn mower and will begin mowing my yard myself for the first time in about 15 years. As a side note, if you see a story about a fat Cypress man dying in his front yard, that's me.
    • To my kids, it means I'm a better playmate. 
    • To my wife, well it means all of the above plus I can better take the pressures of day to day home life off of her. She's been working long days every day lately and I want to do anything I can to make life easier on her. 
    • To me, it just means I've reached one milestone in a series of milestones to come. 
    • To you, it means bad news. Once I reach my goal of 200 lbs, I'm going to take a bunch of pictures of me in my undies and spam them out everywhere. You won't be able to hide from my sexiness. You'll open an email from work and there I'll be, You'll see a retweet and there I'll be. You'll open up facebook and there I'll be in all my sexy glory.  Get Ready.
    Starting weight: 333
    Current weight: 296
    pounds lost: 37
    weeks: 8

    Free Netflix Reviews

    When You're Strange - See - I'm not the biggest Doors fan but I am a sucker for a rockumentary. I liked the style in which this was done. It uses all old footage, no interviews (old or new), just Johnny Depp narrating the story of Jim Morrison and The Doors. Maybe it's his involvement with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but there's something about Depp's voice that is perfect for the late 60's early 70's sex, drugs and rock and roll.






    Hell on Wheels - See - I think it's time to face facts. I have a roller derby problem. I'll watch just about anything that involves tattoos and women on skates. This documentary chronicles the beginnings of the roller derby revival in Austin. This fledgling league would eventually become the TXRD which is the league featured in A&E's series Roller Girls. I found it interesting to see where this all started and the power struggle that ensued. I was equally glad to see some of the girls from Roller Girls when they were a bit younger and not necessarily playing "characters" on a tv show.




    Rolling Stones: Stones in Exile - See - This was the documentary that was made for the release of the remastered Exile on Main Street CD. I've always held the opinion that it was no coincidence the Rolling Stones made their best album after the break up of The Beatles. Throughout the 60's The Stones always seemed to be following in the wake of their big brothers The Beatles. Changing music styles one step behind them. Then when they were the biggest band left standing, they went out and made the album that best expressed the aesthetic they had been culturing throughout the 60's. I think the most amazing thing about Exile is The Stones made their most American album while living as English tax exiles in the south of France. Who said nothing good ever came out of France?


    Shane McGowan: If I Should Fall from Grace - See - There's a really interesting internal tug of war that happens to you as you watch this movie. The instant you hear the Pogues music start you have an overwhelming desire to break out the Irish whiskey and drink until you pass out. Then you see the state Shane McGowan is in and you never want to touch alcohol again. Here's a fun game I played while watching. Count how many words McGowan says that you can actually understand then compare that to the number of teeth he still has. It's closer than you think.


    Shine - See - I'm a little embarrassed that it took me 14 years to see Shine. I really don't have any excuse. It's a movie I always wanted to see but for what ever reason it continued to fall through the cracks. Thankfully, we now have Netflix. I'm glad I finally got see it. It's a pretty amazing and inspiring story about a piano prodigy that has a mental break down. Though I loved the movie overall, I was pretty disappointed with the way the movie kind of limps to its climax and then just ends. The performances of Noah Taylor and Geoffrey Rush are worth the price of admission by themselves.




    On the Waterfront - See -  This is young Brando at his absolute best. One of the things I love about Netflix instant watch is the ability to go back and watch some of the best movies ever made. On the Waterfront is definitely on that list. Brando and Karl Malden both deliver beautiful performances. This is a movie for anyone that loves great acting or wants to stick it to their boss.


    Youth in Revolt - See - Before you even push play you can pretty much guess how this is going to go. Let's face it.  It stars Michael Cera which means it will be about a socially uncomfortable teenager who really likes a girl and his struggle to get said girl. Does that cover it? Yeah, no one's breaking new ground here but there are enough laughs to make this a See. Plus, Zach Galifianakis, enough said.






    Marathon Man - See - This week's 70's classic is another good one. Spies, check. Nazis, check. Dustin Hoffman, check. Torture with a dental tools, check. Yep, sounds like a great 70's movie.

    Roller Girls: Season 1 - See - I finally finished season 1 of Roller Girls. Unfortunately, there wasn't ever a season 2. I enjoyed this series quite a bit. Tattooed chicks on skates getting drunk and beating the crap out of each other. What's not to like? I've really got to make it out to a Houston Roller Derby bout one of these days.




    Clash of the Titans - See - I was pleasantly surprised here. I went in to this expecting to hate every minute. I didn't and actually enjoyed quite a bit of it. The movie is far from great and fails to leave a lasting impression but as a way to spend ninety minutes, it wasn't bad. If given the choice I'd always pick over the remake but that is probably true of most people that see a movie as a kid then it's remake as an adult. Long live Burgess Meredith! What?....Oh never mind.