ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/8/10

Top 5

1. Tron - You win. Tron has every male in their 30's and 40's completely geeked. Based on the twitter excitement out there, I expect the new Tron movie to make about $4 trillion dollars. As for me, I didn't really care for the first Tron when I was 11 or 12 and I absolutely hated the Tron video games. So sorry Mr. Tron unless you send one of your bike guys out to the Visa computer and hack my account, you won't be getting any of my money.


2. The Hold Steady - I made it out to Warehouse Live this past Saturday to catch The Hold Steady show. The band was even better live than I had expected. Singer/songwriter Craig Finn brings it live. His voice replaces a bit of the baritone with more nasal but he and the rest of the band sounded great. Live Craig Finn turns into an epileptic St. Bernard with a large collection of books and a raging cocaine habit. Not addiction mind you but habit.


Warehouse Live is intimate enough to really enjoy a show like this. The opening acts batted .500 for the night. The first band, The American Heist was somewhere between bad and terrible. The second act, Company of Thieves, who I still think should rename their band "A Conspiracy of Thieve" because it sounds better, was really good. By the middle of their opening song I was starting to dance with the crowd and I'm a guy that dances like Chris Penn in Footloose. I could have done without the masses of hipsters but the show made up for the dip shit factor. I did have the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erin Nicks (@erinnicks) and The Driver at the show. They are now my favorite Canadians, your move Steve in the KT.



3. Addicts - Lindsey Lohan wants to open her own rehab center. This is good for anyone who is being legally forced to go to rehab. Now if you are making the decision about getting clean and you are serious about your sobriety then the LiLo Clinic probably isn't the best place. However, if you're one of the unfortunate that is being forced into rehab by that "asshole" judge, then I can't think of a better place to be. Who better to teach you how to take control of your disease than Lindsey.  This would be like Jeff Skilling teaching a business ethics class at UH. Do you think for a second the LiLo Clinic won't be the most posh crack house on the block. Lindsey will have her "therapists" remove all drugs from your person as you enter the clinic and instantly upgrade you to a better brand of narcotic. I love this idea and hope she decides Houston would be the best place for her clinic. Being an addict is about to get a lot more fun.


4. Dallas Cowboys - Congratulations Cowboys fans you finally ran Bum's Son out of town. Now scroll down to the bottom five for the rest of the story.


5. Cake in the city of Houston - Do any of you remember the show "Amish in the City"? It was a Real World type reality show that put a group of Amish kids together in a house with non Amish kids in Los Angeles. The Amish kids were going through what they call Rumspringa. This is a time in which Amish kids leave and experience life outside the community. At the end of this period they have to decide whether they want to return to the community and join the Amish Church or permanently leave to become a member of the outside world.


Well as you may remember, I started the Quick Weight Loss Center program a few months ago and lost nearly 40 pounds in the process. I still had a lot of weight to lose but I too went on rumspringa. Instead of experiencing electricity, motorized cars and formal education, I was experiencing great walls of chocolate, brownie bottom pecan pie, Lil Big's crack laced fries. Ultimately, I gained about 10 of those lost pounds back.

Just like the estimated 90% of Amish kids that ultimately return to their faith, I too have returned to QWLC. I started back yesterday with little trouble. It helps that I know the program works and when I'm on it and eating better my wife and kids are also eating better. The goal I set back in July was to lose 120 lbs. As I get back to the program, I'm a quarter of the way there. If I can keep my mind right and off of a brownie a la mode from Barry's Pizza, I know I'll get there.





Bottom 5

1. Texan fans - Is there anything left to say? This team is going no where and I don't see that changing with Kubiak and Rick Smith at the helm. I did not hear a single "expert" that thought drafting Kareem Jackson in the first round was a good pick. I don't remember anyone who thought he should have been drafted ahead of Kyle Wilson. Amobi has been a huge failure. We don't know how Cushing is going to turn out. After he fired Richard Smith, Kubiak refused to interview anyone for the defensive coordinator position and instead promoted Frank Bush who had no coordinator experience coming in. Even following a complete disaster of a game for rookie Kareem Jackson, Kubiak refuses to even entertain the idea of benching the guy. Ugh, I would keep going but I'm starting to dry heave.


Kubiak can somehow turn this franchise around and make them one of the better teams in the league but at this point, I just don't see it.



2. The person next to the doofus hipster -That was me on Saturday night. The Hold Steady concert was packed full of doofus hipster guy. I was fortunate enough to be standing next to the one who wanted everyone to know that even though we all thought Third Eye Blind's self titled was a brilliant album, Eve 6 was the real unsung genius of the 90's. What??? First of all dickhead, Third Eye Blind doesn't even think their music is brilliant. In fact, if you put them and Matchbox 20 in a room together I'm not sure they could tell you which band play which songs. These bands were the specific reason ipods and Internet radio was invented. So we no longer had to suffer being ear raped by their putrid music.  If I had known that the rise of Kurt Cobain was going to destroy the hair bands but then spawn bands like these, I would have gone back in time and killed him when he was a baby. Oh and by the way, I'd like to send out a big thanks to the hipster that burped directly in to my nostrils. That was pleasant.



3. Cam Newton - SEC fans love the SEC. They love their schools but they LOVE the SEC. Ask anyone who was at the BCS championship game last year. As the clock was running out on the Longhorns hopes, did the Bama faithful start a "Roll Tide" chant or even a simple "BAMA" chant? No. They went with the classic "S-E-C" chant. You know what SEC schools love almost as much as their conference? Ratting out other SEC schools and dragging them down into the mud. If you're old enough then you remember the 80's and 90's when nearly SEC school was on probation at one time or another.


Cam Newton is amazing and I love watching him play but this stuff isn't going to stop coming out. The people you've pissed off are going to dig up any and every piece of dirt you've left in your wake. I'm not about to tell you this stuff isn't true because I assume everyone is cheating. I hope all this stuff isn't true, Auburn is one of the few schools I don't hold a grudge against and they've been nice enough to send the Longhorns a couple of really good defensive coordinators. I think the other schools in the SEC need to just get over the fact that a black quarterback is running roughshod over the rest of the conference and let the guy play. I'm going to open up a giant can of hate if these other programs continue to besmirch Cam's good name and ruin my chance to see an Oregon/Auburn title game. FREE CAM.



4. Dallas Cowboys -You had a great week by getting rid of Wade but unfortunately, you're still stuck with Jerry Jones and his band of clowns. Jerry's refusal to let anyone else be the GM and evaluate talent will continue to doom this franchise for the foreseeable future. The only period in which he did finally relinquish control was during the Parcell years. According to those who covered the team Jerry hated every minute of it. Hey, I'm not upset by this. I absolutely hate the Cowboys. I'm kind of bummed that Romo is hurt because I miss seeing that dumb look on his face every time he throws and interception. Don't worry though, I'm sure Jason Garrett and John Kitna will get this thing turned around.



5. Parents during time change - If you have young kids, the whole fall back, gain an hour of sleep is a myth. Kids don't run their life by a clock, they run by crazy internal kid time. If you have a kid that was waking up at 6 o'clock last week then they're probably waking up at 5 o'clock this week. In other words, unless you had a 1 year old trying to pull your nose off your face at 5 am, you probably made your own decision to give up that extra hour.