ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 2/21/11

Top 5

1. Middle East - I watch the news one day a year, during the November elections. Election coverage fascinates me. Writing that makes me a little sad because I really miss Tim Russert. Anyway, even though I don't watch the news I usually have a general idea of what is going on in the world, like with the Middle East. I know revolutions are popping up all over the place and it's for a good reason. They are fed up with oppression. They want their freedom and Facebook. I applaud these citizens for standing up and changing a broken system. I wish there was some way I could do the same thing with the BCS. The only issue I have is with the media coverage. Our media has crawled straight up the butt of the Middle East revolutions but they're paying little attention to the mess we have just south of the border. Hey CNN in case you missed it 12 taxi drivers and fares were killed in Acapulco by the drug cartels. I know the Middle East has all that beautiful black gold we so desperately desire but can't we just let them work that shit out themselves. How about we clean up our back yard and the cartels that are ripping the Mexican government a new one. I know we'd rather spend money making sure no one crosses the border and attempts to build us a new freeway on the cheap but I live in Texas. I can damn near throw a rock and hit a cartel member. Of course they'd then chop my head off with a machete and skull fuck my corpse but that's my point. Let's fix the mess threatening us then we'll get to the stuff with an entire ocean between us.

2. Girl Scout Cookies - If there was a black man on the corner trying to sell you something that would make you feel good but ultimately was bad for you and the police would haul his ass off to jail. Put a white girl in a green uniform on that corner and the same officer would help her set up her table. The socio-economic and racial issues aside those crack slinging, sugar pushers are back blocking the entrance to every grocery store coast to coast. They may not get you on the way in but they'll get you on the way out. They know you can't resist a Peanut Butter Patty or Carmel Delights. If they set up a drive thru tent I'd probably eat three boxes a day. I kind of felt sad for the Boy Scouts out last week trying to hock their sad coupon books. I don't think it speaks well of the Boy Scouts' problem solving skills that the best they can come up with for a fund raiser is a coupon book that only their grandparents are interested in buying.

3. Neko Case - I love Neko Case. She's smoking hot, talented and just a badass chick. Her solo stuff and her stuff with The New Pornographers are some of my favorite music. In fact, I didn't think I could love her any more until I started following her on twitter (@neko_case). She has spent the past few days breaking down the awesomeness of Iron Maiden and the struggles of female musicians getting laid on the road. She's very interactive with her followers and funny. I had tickets the last time she came to town. I made the mistake of telling my wife of my plan to make her my kids new step mommy. Weirdly after that conversation our baby sitter bailed on us and I had to stay home with the kids while she took a friend to the show. Probably for the best though, we named our dog Neko and it probably would have been awkward having both a wife and a dog with the same name. One of them was bound to get offended.

4. Basketball Hall of Fame - Congratulations to the Basketball Hall of Fame. You've worked very hard to become the most irrelevant career achievement of all time. My five year service award from HP laughs at you. Apparently, the only real qualifications you need to get in is to either have been a women's coach or friends with Dick Vitale. How ridiculous is it? Van Chancellor is in the Hall of Fame but Rudy T is not. This becomes even more egregious when you learn that the HOF takes in to account all of your basketball accomplishments. So Rudy T. not only has 2 NBA championships, 1 Olympic Gold Medal and 554 NBA wins as a head coach, but he was also a 5-time NBA all star, college All American and averaged 17.4 pts/gm in his NBA career. But Van Chancellor is the HOFer. I would ask someone on the committee to explain how John Chaney, a coach who never led a team beyond the round of 8 is more deserving of election over Guy V. Lewis who coached 5 final four teams but no one knows who is on the committee. Apparently, it's easier to get a list of undercover CIA assets than find out who is making the decision to leave Reggie Miller off the HOF ballot. Great Work.

5. Brandon Phillips - In case you missed it Brandon Phillips in now on twitter (@DatDudeBP). This is a good thing because Phillips in one of those outspoken, unstable athletes who if you listen long enough will inevitably say something inflammatory or stupid. His manager, Dusty Baker and the rest of the Reds organization are already on edge over this development. I can't wait. It's got to be better that the boring crap Ozzie Guillen puts out there. Lets just hope he doesn't start tweeting parenting advice. Scratch that, I absolutely hope he starts handing out advice on fatherhood.

Bottom 5

1. Dunk Contest - So the NBA All Star Weekend just passed and everyone was treated to another riveting game of scrimmage. A game of scrimmage that would make Jeff Van Gundy's head look like a guy from Scanners. The highlight of the weekend was Blake Griffin's Dunk Contest clinching dunk over a car. Or as I like to call it the most contrived, least impressive clinching dunk since last year's contest. I'm old enough to remember 'Nique vs. Jordan and Spudd coming out of no where to win in '86. Even then we knew the contest had no credibility when the '88 title (in Chicago) was handed to Jordan even though Wilkins handed him his ass on the court. Through the years all the props, hype men, fake celebrations et al have turned it into a completely unsavory event. This year looked to be even worse. I didn't watch the contest because I'm not twelve but I did see a video of the Griffin spectacle. I was very impressed how Blake was able to, on the spot, find a choir and a brand new Kia to come out and work as props. This contest is all legit right? Kia didn't pay the NBA a load of cash to be the car used in the dunk and that being the clincher was in no way predetermined right? right.

2. Shift Change - Bad things happen at about 3:00 cst at my local McDonalds. That's when all the hard working Hispanics who do their job well and get orders right the first time go home. They're replaced by a bunch of teenage honkies. That's when ordering something a simple as an unsweet iced tea becomes a complete crap shoot. I know what you're thinking "teenagers, they suck at everything." You'd be wrong though. It's not teenagers that are the problem. It's white people. And I have proof. The next time you're traveling from Houston to Louisiana stop at the McDonald's in Vidor. The first thing you'll notice is the lack of color among the employees. The next thing you'll notice is that it's a complete cluster fuck. I've got 20+ years of fast food patronage experience and I've never seen a worse run place. I guess what I'm trying to say is us white people suck and the suburban white kids inability to not suck is starting to affect my life. Do Better.

3. Dog Days of Winter - How bad is the sports landscape? I spent most of yesterday working in the yard with my 6 year old. It takes damn near a television catastrophe for me to willing choose to trim trees over sitting my fat ass in the recliner and watching TV. Who's to blame for this black hole of sports? Donald Trump that's who. If not for Trump and him forcing the USFL to try to go head to head with the NFL in the Fall 25 years ago, we'd be getting ready for a stellar spring season of professional football. I'd be at academy buying a new Gamblers t-shirt to wear as I watch my Mike Leach coached team of pass happy pirates obliterate the league again. Leach and Graham Harrell leading the local good guys. Even as a Longhorn fan that sounds like heaven to me.

4.  Pink - Holy Shit! I saw a picture of a pregnant Pink this weekend and it nearly cracked my cornea. Truth be told I have a bit of a preggers fetish. There's just something about the way a pregnant woman looks that I find attractive. Maybe it's the fullness of the face, the eternal hope for the life they are carrying or maybe their desire to kill everything that crosses their path. I don't know. Not Pink though. She not only nearly destroyed my love for pregnant women but she damn near killed my desire for women all together.

5. Real Talk - If you ever want the straight poop on something, just ask a 6 year old. They have no filter or regard for your feelings. The brutally honest kid had no problem telling my wife how terrible she looked in dresses when she was trying to find something to wear to an awards show. Then this weekend she was talking to us about death and how long people live. I said something about me living to be about 75 when she abruptly informed me that my stomach was way too fat for me to make it that long and she was not the least bit sad about that. Compassionate to the core that's how we raise them.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 1/10/11

Top 5

1. Auburn vs. Oregon - I refuse to call it by that other game since that title was assigned and not earned. However, I've been looking forward to this game since mid October. I believe I predicted a 85-81 game back then but I think the layoff will cause some rust so I'm lowering my expectations to a 73-68 game. We've got the best player in CFB going against the best offense in CFB. I can't wait. I don't have a dog in the fight, so I hadn't decided which team to pull for yet. My son's favorite animal is a duck, so my daughter decided she was pulling for Oregon. She then begged me to pull for Oregon too so I guess I'm a Pac-10 guy tonight. Besides no one really wants the SEC to win a 5 straight national title right?

2. Mack Brown - My man Mack broke out his recruiting skills to lure a stellar new coaching staff to Austin. In the long run, Terryl Austin and Paul Chryst balking at committing 100% could be the best thing to happen for the organization. The Longhorns ended up with two of the hottest up & comers as its new coordinator. Brian Harsin comes to Texas fresh off of running Boise St. high powered offense and will now we'll have a chance to see what happens when you combine that system with some of the top recruits in the country. He'll have play calling duties but also a highly respected and similarly up and coming co-offensive coordinator in Major Applewhite. Manny Diaz is a high energy DC who likes to get after the quarterback. He hasn't been through the battle Will Muschamp has but he definitely brings a similar energy. These new young coordinators plus new S&C coach Bennie Wylie should be the link Mack needs to connect with the younger players and get this thing turned around.



3. Seahawks v. Saints - Saturday's games will be remembered for Marshawn Lynch's incredible run in the 4th quarter of the Seahawk's game versus the Saints. The Saints still riding the wave of being America's sweethearts grossly underperformed on defense and couldn't complete the comeback. Like any good champ though they went down swinging in what turned out to be the shootout of the weekend. I personally thought Matt Hasselbeck had died of old age shortly after losing to the Steelers in the Super Bowl a few years ago. Apparently, I was wrong because even at 92 years old he was able to shred the Saints for 4 touchdown passes. So, now we have our first team with a losing record in the divisional round. I'll be pulling against the Seahawks mainly because of Pete Carroll. Personally, I don't have anything against Pete Carroll per se but he looks exactly like a guy who stiffed my wife and I for $10,000 of advertising work. So, until Pete changes his face, he can go fuck himself.

4. Rex Ryan - He finally got past his personal enemy, Peyton Manning. Thank God, the NFL is much more interesting with Rex Ryan still coaching and Peyton eliminated. Peyton will now have the entire off season to get that giant red spot on his forehead to subside. I don't dislike Peyton I've just had enough. Is there an irritating person he hasn't done an ad with yet. Justin Timberlake, check. Jim Nantz, check. Look out Bieber you're next.

5. Californication -That was probably the best way Californication could possibly kick off its fourth season. A little Carla Gugino makes everything better. I appreciate that they've decided to pretend season 3 never happened. The entire season was based on the chance to see Eva Amurri topless. And as great as that was, the internet has rendered that strategy for pulling viewers kind of moot. The premiere set the season up nicely for Hank to struggle legally with statutory rape charges, at home with the revelation that he slept with a 16 year old and professionally as he finds himself back in bed with that old devil, the film industry. BTW Sasha revealed that she really did have outstanding wares.

Bottom 5

1. NFL Playoff Sunday -The NFL could not have followed up a great pair of Saturday games with a less exciting set of games. The early game between was interesting for about a half before the Ravens began imposing their will on the Chiefs. The second game never really had a chance with Joe Buck involved. I don't know why FOX keeps a running a guy out there that is universally despised by everyone. Not only does he not bring anything to the broadcast, he actually detracts from it. He sucks the excitement from every compelling game he's involved with by just being himself. Aikman is a good analyst and is getting completely short changed by being hamstrung by the sports world's wet blanket. Maybe they could add Artie Lange to the booth to spice things up a bit. Better yet, if they could somehow team Buck with Steve Tasker, I could just eliminate that game from my weekend viewing all together. Free Troy Aikman.

2. Bob McNair - From the crappy Houston sports owner department comes this quote from Bob McNair “Generally, when you make any kind of change, you sort of hold your breath. You say, ‘Boy, I hope this works out.’" I know he said some other ridiculous things in that interview but this statement in particular really bothers me. Uncle Bob's quote further exemplifies a huge problem with the Texans organization. From the top down, they are so afraid to make bold moves or shake things up they would rather be content with just not sucking. If you think about it, that goes perfectly with Kubiak's playing not to lose play calling. Ironically Bob, that's exactly why you and your team does suck. So here we are Texans fans, stuck with an owner who holds his breath when he makes changes to his staff. Stuck with a head coach who plays not to lose, holds his breath and can't bear to watch as his team kicks game deciding field goals. Stuck with a GM who's shown no intestinal fortitude to make draft day moves to get the guy he wants or to spend the owners money to get that big time culture changing free agent. Just like Stealers Wheel sang  "clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right, here we are stuck in the middle again."

3. Aggies - If you follow me on twitter and you should because I'm fucking awesome, then you know that I declared the winner of the Cotton Bowl could officially claim the title of "Most Ridiculous Fans on the Planet." For about a quarter it looked like you guys really wanted that title but it really is hard to beat LSU fan when it comes to ridiculousness. Friday, I went out to eat and I'd say 2/3 of the people there were wearing either A&M or LSU gear. At the table next to us was a particularly disturbing family of LSUians. They were putting off a real inbred vibe and when they opened their mouth they did nothing to dispel that. Don't worry though Aggie fan you'll always be the Texas state champ in that department.

4. CFB exhibition season - Of the 35 or so exhibition games college football puts on in December and January, I will have watched three start to finish after tonight. If we do the math, that's about 8.5% And that's on you BCS. You put together a bunch of lackluster games, feature 6-6 teams, cheat the fans, cheat the players and steal from the Universities. I would say I hope you got what you wanted but of course you did. You got a bunch of state funded universities to pay you millions of dollars to allow them the honor to play in a meaningless game. Congrats I guess.

5. My sanity - A little back story. I hate the sound of people eating. When I was a kid, my brother and I would get into a fist fight every single morning before school. I didn't eat breakfast but he had to have a bowl of cereal. Unfortunately, he was unable to eat his cereal without smacking like an old Vietnamese lady. Cue the fight. A couple of decades later I was so proud of my 4 year old daughter when she came home to tell me she couldn't stand eating lunch at school because her friends were gross and couldn't eat with their mouths closed. Awesome. Now two years later, she has completely turned heel and likes to sit about 3 feet from my head and smack like a 12 year old with braces trying to eat taffy. This is getting brutal.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/18/10

Top 5

1. FX - This past week's Sons of Anarchy not withstanding, no one has been on a hotter streak than FX. SOA, Terriers, Sunny and The League have all been hitting it on the screws for a solid month now. Donal Logue is one of those actors I've always liked but wished he was on better show (The Knights of Prosperity the lone exception) and it appears he's finally found it with Terriers. Following a slow two week start, both Sunny and The League are in mid season form as the funniest shows on TV. SOA is well SOA. They came out of the gate blasting and have kept it going all season. If you're not up on original FX programming then you hate entertainment.

2. Death to the BCS - If you're a college football fan or just someone who hates fat cat corruption, I can't recommend this book more. The authors Dan Wetzel, Josh Peter and Jeff Passan expose the BCS for the self serving, corrupt and borderline illegal cartel it is. The hypocrisy and obvious double talk coming from the BCS is astounding. Read this book and you'll find yourself pissed every time a new college football poll comes out.

3. Sunday Night Television - While Boardwalk Empire and Dexter continue to do their thing, Mad Men and Rubicon both wrapped up their seasons this week. Mad Men once again delivered as the best drama on television. It was a strange transition season for Don Draper. Of course he continued to plow through women like Rex Ryan through a family size bag of M&Ms but we also got to see him become more introspective and looking for more than just the next great line or lay. Peggy finally shed the little girl in a man's world act and really came into her own. By mid season she was clearly Drapers right hand and second in command of the creative department.

Rubicon had a solid if not spectacular rookie season. As long as you had the patience to let things develop, you were paid off by the writing and acting by season's end. The finale moved at a pace inconsistent with the rest of the season and was sorely lacking in Kale. The whole episode seemed to speed along trying to tie loose ends just in case they don't get a second season. I have no idea if AMC is going to bring it back but I'm all in if they do.

4. MLB Playoffs - Slow down before you start pumping your fist and waxing poetic about the beauty and pageantry of the baseball playoffs, I've watched maybe three innings total. I mean come on it's football season. I'm just so happy that since the MLB playoffs are here Joe Buck won't be fucking up any football games for 3 weeks or so. There are only two types of people who enjoy Joe Buck. People who watch a game with a score book on their lap and people who hate football.

5. Travis Rodgers Now - Travis has been on the air for a couple months now and is easily the best mid day show in the Houston market. It will take you about five minutes to realize where the best parts of the Jim Rome Show came from. Here's a hint, you can hear him from1-3 on 1560am. The truth is 1560 now has the three best sports radio shows on the air. The one anomaly is between 10-1 when some guy name Rogers Hampton laughs for three straight hours at some Rush Limbaugh impersonator. Back to Travis, unless you're one of those strange people who have a job during the day and can't listen to the radio, Travis Rodgers Now is better than anything else on the radio or television at that time. Believe me, I know.

Bottom 5

1. :01 - Maybe Nebraska should have worried less about the :01 of last year's game and more about the 60:00 of this season's. Bo Pelini had his cry baby act in full effect on Saturday so Will Muschamp and the Texas defense gave him plenty to cry about. And yes an Omaha steak taste much better when seasoned with the salty tears of a Pelini brother. The UT defense completely shut down "Heisman candidate" Taylor Martinez, to the point he was pulled from the game in the second half. Yeah, the Nebraska hopes and dreams were dashed Saturday but at least they have classy fans. You know, the classy fans that booed when Curtis Brown went down with an injury. Is Lincoln a popular retirement destination for Philly residents?

2. Women - This was a bad week for women and sports. Florida Gators head coach Urban Meyer allowed Chris "Time to Die" Rainy to rejoin the team. Coincidentally, the Gators were in the midst of a two game (now three) losing streak. Baylor's basketball coach Scott Drew has decided that punching women and breaking their jaw is no longer an egregious enough offense to keep LaceDarius Dunn off the team. Finally, The original fifteen second man Rick Pitino has decided that being 6'10" is penance enough for punching the mother of your one year old son and fracturing her spine. Wake Forest transfer Tony Woods is looking to join Louisville. Way to set an example you makers of men.

3. Texans defense - Terrible. They can't cover. They no longer can stop the run. I've got an idea. How about Bob McNair take a break from trying to break the players union. Rick Smith take a break from looking slick and trying to win every negotiation and Gary Kubiak take a break from hiring defensive coordinators without interviewing candidates and calling grown men kids. How about these guys get together and figure out how to fix this defense. Look, I know it's outside the box to make trades during the season, but aren't you doing your franchise and your fans a disservice if you don't at least call the crypt keeper to see how many souls Nnamdi Asomugha or Richard Seymour will cost. A baby soul like Amobi's has to fetch a decent price doesn't it?

4. Steve Tasker - Tasker is completely over matched being paired with Gus Johnson. In fact, Tasker is completely over matched being asked to offer analysis on football. Once you've caught his act it becomes perfectly clear that he was a special teams guy mainly because grasping an offense was well beyond his mental capacity.

5. Me - Last week I moved Nebraska up to #2. Down they go. I put Antonio Gates in the power rankings top 5. Down he goes. I put Rubicon in the power rankings top 5. Disappointing finale. Old 97's make the power rankings top 5. I can't get a ticket to the sold out show. I also lost 6 of 7 fantasy football games, stubbed my toe in the bath and had a large section of fence torn down by one of my dogs. This week's gotta be better.