ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/20/10

Top 5

1. Juliann Faucette - I was fortunate enough to catch the UT women's final four volleyball match vs. Penn St. this weekend. These two teams met in the finals last year in one the best match ups I've ever seen in any sport. Penn St needed a furious comeback to thwart the Lady Horns championship dreams. Once again Penn St. upended the Horns, eliminating them from the tournament. However, the Lady Horns pitched a shutout in the looks department led by their ace Juliann Faucette. Beyond being the best looking player on the court, she was also their best player.  Did I tweet that I'd have her babies during the game? And did I mean it? Yes and Yes. Juliann (yes we're on a first name basis following this weekend) was extra special hot on the court. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her on the beach volleyball circuit soon and perhaps in the 2010 Olympics.

2. Mike Vick - That guy may have killed a bunch of dogs but man can he play football. He put the Giants on the rape stand and choked those bitches out yesterday. Or did they do that to themselves? Either way the Eagles pulled another one out of their asses and Vick had a couple spectacular runs in the fourth quarter.  However, neither of the Vick runs were as remarkable and improbable as DeSean Jackson's punt return for a touchdown on the game's final play. If I were Matt Dodge, I would have gone to the Eagles locker room to avoid facing Tom Coughlin. This is a guy who fines you for being late to a meeting if you're not there 5 minutes early. What do you think he does to guys who kick the ball to the games most dangerous return man, when he has specifically told you to kick it out of bounds. I guess is Matt Dodge will soon find himself a lying next to Jimmy Hoffa on the old Meadowlands site.

Wow. That really happened

3. Rockets Fans - I initially put this in the bottom 5 when the news of Yao Ming's stress fracture was announced. Then I realized this was actually a good thing for the Rockets and their fans. The Rockets can finally leave the Yao/McGrady era behind them and build for the future. Morey has been kind of hamstrung because of having to build a team around "stars" he couldn't count on being on the court. As Rockets fans we may need to come to terms with the the fact that this season isn't going to be successful but I still believe in Daryl Morey's ability to build a team and like every other sport it's better to be really bad or really good than it is to be average or just below average. Being really bad gives you a chance to improve through the draft. Of course this year's draft class may be the weakest in decades. The Rockets will probably be major players on the trade front as well, although maybe not a much as they would like to be with impending labor trouble on the horizon. If the team is willing to admit the days of waiting for Yao to comeback are over then I'm willing to be patient while they put together something new.

4. IFC - IFC is quickly becoming one of my favorite channels. This past summer they began running the entire Freaks & Geeks series on Friday nights. They followed that up with Judd Apatow's other series, Undeclared. Their original series starring David Cross and Will Arnett, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret was outstanding. Oh did I happen to mention they also show reruns of Mr. Show and Arrested Development. Now in preparation for carrying reruns of The Larry Sanders Show in the spring they are having a Larry Sanders marathon all day January 1. Lucky for us the idiots that run college football have made sure there is nothing else compelling on that day so we can all sit back and enjoy some Larry, Artie and Hank Kingsley. Hey Now.

5. Me - I had a great birthday on Sunday. My gift from my daughter was a promise not to whine all day and unbelievably she actually delivered. My talented wife redesigned this blog and created a logo for me. I had the best pancakes in Houston at Harris County Smokehouse. Beyond going to eat I'm not sure I moved 20 steps from my recliner all day. The Texans gave me the gift of comedy. Twitter gave me the gift of a forum to make fun of those Texans. I now am 365 days away from my 40's. That's a scary number for some folks but as an unemployed father of two, it doesn't bother me at all. Regardless, turning 40 has to be better than when I turned 30 and someone thought what I really needed was to go to a Creed concert. Even though I had made it explicitly clear that Creed sucked and deserved to have their tour bus driven off a mountain side. This "friend" said I just needed to see them live to get a proper appreciation for them. They bought me a ticket and they were right. Creed sucked even more live than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for that.

Bottom 5

1. Texans Fans -Did it look like the team quit yesterday? Yeah I think so too. As bad as the team looks though, the scarier thing is that Bob McNair thinks they are on the right track. At least, that's what he's saying publicly. Maybe yesterday's performance changed his view but I doubt it. McNair has always seemed like a guy that was pushed into buying an NFL franchise. He was the richest guy in the best market to add a new NFL team and that's a good business decision. He's never struck me as either an NFL fan nor a super competitive person. He obviously allows his personal feelings to affect his decisions with the Texans. If he didn't, David Carr's option would not have been picked up when it was evident to everyone, he wasn't a starting NFL caliber quarterback. I hope, no pray that his son or someone gets in his ear and convinces him to blow this regime out. He desperately needs to bring in a veteran NFL personnel guy who has had success to completely revamp this organization. Yeah, I know I'm not telling you anything the 4 million other people in the area don't already know. Unfortunately, the only person who doesn't seem to know what needs to be done happens to be the only person who counts.

2. - Uncircumsised Houston Texans Players - I don't know if you've heard but The Tebow is starting for the Texans next opponent, the Denver Broncos and he hates foreskin. Among the many miracles The Tebow has performed, circumcising underpriviledged kids is one he likes to get his hands dirty and do manually. But there is hope. There is a group called Intact America or Sat(b)an's Army as Tebowists refer to them, that are putting up billboards and trying to unite the rest of the world against this ghastly tradition of cutting the foreskin from the penises of baby boys. There's a war coming and we'll all have to pick a side. Will you be on the side of The Tebow or will you choose the foreskin?

3. Fantasy Football - Let me start with this, Fuck You Ray Rice. You sucked all year long. You were by far the biggest bust on any of my 7 fantasy football teams. Then after 13 weeks of being a giant turd you have a game like that, 233 yards and 2 Tds. I could even handle you have a good game except because you were such a lousy pick I missed the playoffs in my main league then you explode this week to knock me out of the playoffs in another league. If you want to know how I really feel about you see Ruxin v. Gates on The League. And yes I did wish mouth cancer on you yesterday.




4. UCLA Dynasty - In case you hadn't heard, the UConn womens basketball team equaled the UCLA 88 game win streak. Except, they didn't. There is no way to intelligently compare the UCLA streak and the UConn streak. Yes, they are both winning streaks involving games played with a hoop, a ball and involving humans. And that is where the similarities stop. I'm not saying the UConn streak isn't impressive because it is. If you win 88 games in a row at anything it's impressive but just because you win three Super Bowls on Madden '11 doesn't mean you can start comparing yourself to Bill Belichick. Hell, Edwin Moses won 122 races in a row. I guess ESPN will have to get stable of goons ready to compare a women's basketball team to a hurdler as they approach that streak. Someone needs to tell Geno, no one is saying his girls don't deserve recognition but just don't disrespect those great John Wooden teams by comparing yourself and your sport to what they accomplished.

5. Tron Legacy - Wow sorry Tron maybe I was wrong. That $43 million you pulled in this weekend was a little less than the $4 trillion or so I predicted for you. Worse still it's significantly less than the $200 million it cost to make the movie. I know it's just the opening weekend but with a low buzz/marketing ratio and lukewarm reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a bit skeptical it has the traction to be called a success.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/8/10

Top 5

1. Tron - You win. Tron has every male in their 30's and 40's completely geeked. Based on the twitter excitement out there, I expect the new Tron movie to make about $4 trillion dollars. As for me, I didn't really care for the first Tron when I was 11 or 12 and I absolutely hated the Tron video games. So sorry Mr. Tron unless you send one of your bike guys out to the Visa computer and hack my account, you won't be getting any of my money.


2. The Hold Steady - I made it out to Warehouse Live this past Saturday to catch The Hold Steady show. The band was even better live than I had expected. Singer/songwriter Craig Finn brings it live. His voice replaces a bit of the baritone with more nasal but he and the rest of the band sounded great. Live Craig Finn turns into an epileptic St. Bernard with a large collection of books and a raging cocaine habit. Not addiction mind you but habit.


Warehouse Live is intimate enough to really enjoy a show like this. The opening acts batted .500 for the night. The first band, The American Heist was somewhere between bad and terrible. The second act, Company of Thieves, who I still think should rename their band "A Conspiracy of Thieve" because it sounds better, was really good. By the middle of their opening song I was starting to dance with the crowd and I'm a guy that dances like Chris Penn in Footloose. I could have done without the masses of hipsters but the show made up for the dip shit factor. I did have the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erin Nicks (@erinnicks) and The Driver at the show. They are now my favorite Canadians, your move Steve in the KT.



3. Addicts - Lindsey Lohan wants to open her own rehab center. This is good for anyone who is being legally forced to go to rehab. Now if you are making the decision about getting clean and you are serious about your sobriety then the LiLo Clinic probably isn't the best place. However, if you're one of the unfortunate that is being forced into rehab by that "asshole" judge, then I can't think of a better place to be. Who better to teach you how to take control of your disease than Lindsey.  This would be like Jeff Skilling teaching a business ethics class at UH. Do you think for a second the LiLo Clinic won't be the most posh crack house on the block. Lindsey will have her "therapists" remove all drugs from your person as you enter the clinic and instantly upgrade you to a better brand of narcotic. I love this idea and hope she decides Houston would be the best place for her clinic. Being an addict is about to get a lot more fun.


4. Dallas Cowboys - Congratulations Cowboys fans you finally ran Bum's Son out of town. Now scroll down to the bottom five for the rest of the story.


5. Cake in the city of Houston - Do any of you remember the show "Amish in the City"? It was a Real World type reality show that put a group of Amish kids together in a house with non Amish kids in Los Angeles. The Amish kids were going through what they call Rumspringa. This is a time in which Amish kids leave and experience life outside the community. At the end of this period they have to decide whether they want to return to the community and join the Amish Church or permanently leave to become a member of the outside world.


Well as you may remember, I started the Quick Weight Loss Center program a few months ago and lost nearly 40 pounds in the process. I still had a lot of weight to lose but I too went on rumspringa. Instead of experiencing electricity, motorized cars and formal education, I was experiencing great walls of chocolate, brownie bottom pecan pie, Lil Big's crack laced fries. Ultimately, I gained about 10 of those lost pounds back.

Just like the estimated 90% of Amish kids that ultimately return to their faith, I too have returned to QWLC. I started back yesterday with little trouble. It helps that I know the program works and when I'm on it and eating better my wife and kids are also eating better. The goal I set back in July was to lose 120 lbs. As I get back to the program, I'm a quarter of the way there. If I can keep my mind right and off of a brownie a la mode from Barry's Pizza, I know I'll get there.





Bottom 5

1. Texan fans - Is there anything left to say? This team is going no where and I don't see that changing with Kubiak and Rick Smith at the helm. I did not hear a single "expert" that thought drafting Kareem Jackson in the first round was a good pick. I don't remember anyone who thought he should have been drafted ahead of Kyle Wilson. Amobi has been a huge failure. We don't know how Cushing is going to turn out. After he fired Richard Smith, Kubiak refused to interview anyone for the defensive coordinator position and instead promoted Frank Bush who had no coordinator experience coming in. Even following a complete disaster of a game for rookie Kareem Jackson, Kubiak refuses to even entertain the idea of benching the guy. Ugh, I would keep going but I'm starting to dry heave.


Kubiak can somehow turn this franchise around and make them one of the better teams in the league but at this point, I just don't see it.



2. The person next to the doofus hipster -That was me on Saturday night. The Hold Steady concert was packed full of doofus hipster guy. I was fortunate enough to be standing next to the one who wanted everyone to know that even though we all thought Third Eye Blind's self titled was a brilliant album, Eve 6 was the real unsung genius of the 90's. What??? First of all dickhead, Third Eye Blind doesn't even think their music is brilliant. In fact, if you put them and Matchbox 20 in a room together I'm not sure they could tell you which band play which songs. These bands were the specific reason ipods and Internet radio was invented. So we no longer had to suffer being ear raped by their putrid music.  If I had known that the rise of Kurt Cobain was going to destroy the hair bands but then spawn bands like these, I would have gone back in time and killed him when he was a baby. Oh and by the way, I'd like to send out a big thanks to the hipster that burped directly in to my nostrils. That was pleasant.



3. Cam Newton - SEC fans love the SEC. They love their schools but they LOVE the SEC. Ask anyone who was at the BCS championship game last year. As the clock was running out on the Longhorns hopes, did the Bama faithful start a "Roll Tide" chant or even a simple "BAMA" chant? No. They went with the classic "S-E-C" chant. You know what SEC schools love almost as much as their conference? Ratting out other SEC schools and dragging them down into the mud. If you're old enough then you remember the 80's and 90's when nearly SEC school was on probation at one time or another.


Cam Newton is amazing and I love watching him play but this stuff isn't going to stop coming out. The people you've pissed off are going to dig up any and every piece of dirt you've left in your wake. I'm not about to tell you this stuff isn't true because I assume everyone is cheating. I hope all this stuff isn't true, Auburn is one of the few schools I don't hold a grudge against and they've been nice enough to send the Longhorns a couple of really good defensive coordinators. I think the other schools in the SEC need to just get over the fact that a black quarterback is running roughshod over the rest of the conference and let the guy play. I'm going to open up a giant can of hate if these other programs continue to besmirch Cam's good name and ruin my chance to see an Oregon/Auburn title game. FREE CAM.



4. Dallas Cowboys -You had a great week by getting rid of Wade but unfortunately, you're still stuck with Jerry Jones and his band of clowns. Jerry's refusal to let anyone else be the GM and evaluate talent will continue to doom this franchise for the foreseeable future. The only period in which he did finally relinquish control was during the Parcell years. According to those who covered the team Jerry hated every minute of it. Hey, I'm not upset by this. I absolutely hate the Cowboys. I'm kind of bummed that Romo is hurt because I miss seeing that dumb look on his face every time he throws and interception. Don't worry though, I'm sure Jason Garrett and John Kitna will get this thing turned around.



5. Parents during time change - If you have young kids, the whole fall back, gain an hour of sleep is a myth. Kids don't run their life by a clock, they run by crazy internal kid time. If you have a kid that was waking up at 6 o'clock last week then they're probably waking up at 5 o'clock this week. In other words, unless you had a 1 year old trying to pull your nose off your face at 5 am, you probably made your own decision to give up that extra hour.