ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/25/10

Top 5

1. Game day with my daughter - This summer when my Longhorn season tickets came in my daughter Audrey told me she wanted to go to a game with me this season. After much consideration, I decided the Iowa St. game was the game to take her to. At the time I assumed this would be a Texas blowout so if we had to leave at halftime, I'd be OK with that. I took her to the game Saturday and regardless of how shitty the Horns played, we had a great time. We showed her around the UT campus and she pointed out to us which dorm she was going to live in. She told me she wanted to stay until half time so she could see if the players got to eat granola bars at half like they do during her soccer games. Ultimately, she decided she wanted to go to another game with me next season. BTW she called the UT loss on Thursday. Kids know.

2. 2010 college football season - Cam Newton, Oregon, great games 11am-midnight and Les Miles' horseshoe. All the great games and players have almost been enough to help me forget how shitty the Longhorns have been. Almost. I'm about as far from a Boise fan as a person can be but I can't argue with anyone who puts them second. However, I really want to see a Auburn v. Oregon national title game. My preliminary final score prediction is 85-83. What I really want though is for all top five teams to remain undefeated to add another nail in the BCS coffin. 

3. The League - I'm hoping to hire Taco to plan my 10 year anniversary party a few years from now. I am afraid he'll show footage from my first wedding though. For the record, I'm perfectly fine if we never see Meegan again. There are plenty of divorced couples that never run across each other and I would just prefer Pete and Meegan become one.

4. MLB Playoffs - I didn't get into the playoffs until the LCS round. The pitching match ups in the NL were stellar and all the games riveting. I was a little less interested in the ALCS mostly because I'm a NL guy. The Rangers are a nice story but they're still Dallas and Dallas can eat it. I have no interest is seeing a bunch of Ed Hardy, Affliction wearing, Dallas douche bags celebrating a World Series victory even though they can't name two players on the team.

5.  My Wife - I don't say this often enough but I have an unbelievable wife. During football season she goes out of her way to make sure I can watch games without being interruption. She does this even though she works 12-14 hours 6-7 days a week. Under normal circumstances, she handles kid birthday party duty during the football season and is reluctant to ask me to do anything out of the norm during games. This Sunday one of Audrey's classmates had a birthday party and my wife and son were both sick.  I was more than happy to step in and take my daughter to the party even though I know my wife would have done it if I had asked. I do everything I can to make her life as easy as possible but I know I'll never be able to give her half of what she gives me. Next Sunday my daughter has another birthday party to attend and I think I'll take her to that one too. Luckily, this one is from 10-noon so I'll be spared the two hour death march that is the NFL pregame shows.


Bottom 5

1. The Yankees - Hey Yanks, remember a few months ago when the you decided you didn't need the services of Cliff Lee or Roy Oswalt? Well tell me how does running A.J. Burnett out to the mound in a game you absolutely had to win taste? Speaking of A.J. can we just call whatever that is meth does to a person's face an A.J. Burnett? Between MLB drug testing and the fact that he's a professional I assume he doesn't do meth but his face would definitely disagree with that assumption.

2. Short term memory of Austin waiters - We ate five meals while we were in Austin this weekend. Not once did a waiter get our order correct the first time. Mind you, these weren't complicated orders. It was simple stuff like ordering iced tea and getting two cups of coffee. Specifically saying no beans and coleslaw and getting two plates of beans and coleslaw. At one point, while having lunch at Kerbey Lane our waiter came and looked at our table three times and couldn't remember he went to get us more chips. Finally, I felt bad for the guy and reminded him. I can't imagine what could cause such short term memory loss.

3. The Longhorns - I've been saying all year, this team plays like they are entitled to win just because they have a burnt orange longhorn on their helmets. The offensive players play as though there are no consequences for their actions. The offensive line is terrible. The WR's play with no urgency and Gilbert has shown no leadership. The defense, who carried the team early, has been wildly inconsistent and someone would be hard pressed to convince me ChykieOC in the mold of Will Muschamp.

4. MLB managers - I don't get the playoff strategy of bringing your starting in to pitch relief. Relief pitchers spend the entire season with a singular focus. Come in, get outs, leave game. They don't work themselves into a rhythm. They have to be on from the first pitch. A starter and reliever mentality is completely different. Starters work themselves into a game. They have to manage the energy they expend per pitch, per batter. Because of all this, I don't understand the strategy of throwing a starting pitcher into a situation they haven't been in before. Twice, in the Giants/Phillies series we saw managers go to the bullpen and call on one of their starters to pitch in relief. Neither was successful. Roy O. gave up the winning run in game 5 and Lincecum struggled to get outs in game 6 until Bochy had to bring in Brian Wilson to get a 5 out save. Managers, stick to the plan. You put these guys on your roster for a reason. They've been good enough to get you here. Let them bring you home.

5. Holiday Inn - Um, it's 2010 right? I couldn't tell at the Holiday Inn this weekend. I didn't even know they still made Ethernet cables but apparently they do because Holiday Inn still thinks this wireless Internet thing is just a passing fad. I can handle bed spreads from 1973 and air conditioners that only make the room 34 or 87 degrees but don't make me get out of bed and sit at some crappy desk with a 2 foot Ethernet cable in order to use the Internet. Unacceptable.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/18/10

Top 5

1. FX - This past week's Sons of Anarchy not withstanding, no one has been on a hotter streak than FX. SOA, Terriers, Sunny and The League have all been hitting it on the screws for a solid month now. Donal Logue is one of those actors I've always liked but wished he was on better show (The Knights of Prosperity the lone exception) and it appears he's finally found it with Terriers. Following a slow two week start, both Sunny and The League are in mid season form as the funniest shows on TV. SOA is well SOA. They came out of the gate blasting and have kept it going all season. If you're not up on original FX programming then you hate entertainment.

2. Death to the BCS - If you're a college football fan or just someone who hates fat cat corruption, I can't recommend this book more. The authors Dan Wetzel, Josh Peter and Jeff Passan expose the BCS for the self serving, corrupt and borderline illegal cartel it is. The hypocrisy and obvious double talk coming from the BCS is astounding. Read this book and you'll find yourself pissed every time a new college football poll comes out.

3. Sunday Night Television - While Boardwalk Empire and Dexter continue to do their thing, Mad Men and Rubicon both wrapped up their seasons this week. Mad Men once again delivered as the best drama on television. It was a strange transition season for Don Draper. Of course he continued to plow through women like Rex Ryan through a family size bag of M&Ms but we also got to see him become more introspective and looking for more than just the next great line or lay. Peggy finally shed the little girl in a man's world act and really came into her own. By mid season she was clearly Drapers right hand and second in command of the creative department.

Rubicon had a solid if not spectacular rookie season. As long as you had the patience to let things develop, you were paid off by the writing and acting by season's end. The finale moved at a pace inconsistent with the rest of the season and was sorely lacking in Kale. The whole episode seemed to speed along trying to tie loose ends just in case they don't get a second season. I have no idea if AMC is going to bring it back but I'm all in if they do.

4. MLB Playoffs - Slow down before you start pumping your fist and waxing poetic about the beauty and pageantry of the baseball playoffs, I've watched maybe three innings total. I mean come on it's football season. I'm just so happy that since the MLB playoffs are here Joe Buck won't be fucking up any football games for 3 weeks or so. There are only two types of people who enjoy Joe Buck. People who watch a game with a score book on their lap and people who hate football.

5. Travis Rodgers Now - Travis has been on the air for a couple months now and is easily the best mid day show in the Houston market. It will take you about five minutes to realize where the best parts of the Jim Rome Show came from. Here's a hint, you can hear him from1-3 on 1560am. The truth is 1560 now has the three best sports radio shows on the air. The one anomaly is between 10-1 when some guy name Rogers Hampton laughs for three straight hours at some Rush Limbaugh impersonator. Back to Travis, unless you're one of those strange people who have a job during the day and can't listen to the radio, Travis Rodgers Now is better than anything else on the radio or television at that time. Believe me, I know.

Bottom 5

1. :01 - Maybe Nebraska should have worried less about the :01 of last year's game and more about the 60:00 of this season's. Bo Pelini had his cry baby act in full effect on Saturday so Will Muschamp and the Texas defense gave him plenty to cry about. And yes an Omaha steak taste much better when seasoned with the salty tears of a Pelini brother. The UT defense completely shut down "Heisman candidate" Taylor Martinez, to the point he was pulled from the game in the second half. Yeah, the Nebraska hopes and dreams were dashed Saturday but at least they have classy fans. You know, the classy fans that booed when Curtis Brown went down with an injury. Is Lincoln a popular retirement destination for Philly residents?

2. Women - This was a bad week for women and sports. Florida Gators head coach Urban Meyer allowed Chris "Time to Die" Rainy to rejoin the team. Coincidentally, the Gators were in the midst of a two game (now three) losing streak. Baylor's basketball coach Scott Drew has decided that punching women and breaking their jaw is no longer an egregious enough offense to keep LaceDarius Dunn off the team. Finally, The original fifteen second man Rick Pitino has decided that being 6'10" is penance enough for punching the mother of your one year old son and fracturing her spine. Wake Forest transfer Tony Woods is looking to join Louisville. Way to set an example you makers of men.

3. Texans defense - Terrible. They can't cover. They no longer can stop the run. I've got an idea. How about Bob McNair take a break from trying to break the players union. Rick Smith take a break from looking slick and trying to win every negotiation and Gary Kubiak take a break from hiring defensive coordinators without interviewing candidates and calling grown men kids. How about these guys get together and figure out how to fix this defense. Look, I know it's outside the box to make trades during the season, but aren't you doing your franchise and your fans a disservice if you don't at least call the crypt keeper to see how many souls Nnamdi Asomugha or Richard Seymour will cost. A baby soul like Amobi's has to fetch a decent price doesn't it?

4. Steve Tasker - Tasker is completely over matched being paired with Gus Johnson. In fact, Tasker is completely over matched being asked to offer analysis on football. Once you've caught his act it becomes perfectly clear that he was a special teams guy mainly because grasping an offense was well beyond his mental capacity.

5. Me - Last week I moved Nebraska up to #2. Down they go. I put Antonio Gates in the power rankings top 5. Down he goes. I put Rubicon in the power rankings top 5. Disappointing finale. Old 97's make the power rankings top 5. I can't get a ticket to the sold out show. I also lost 6 of 7 fantasy football games, stubbed my toe in the bath and had a large section of fence torn down by one of my dogs. This week's gotta be better.

Stringer Bell would be proud

Years ago, whenever you drove by a car wash, what was the first thing that came to mind? Drug money front, right? Well, I'm pretty sure those sly kingpins have moved on from such a transparent money laundering scheme (except maybe Walter White) and moved on to new ventures. That's right postal shops.

Laundering drug money is the only possible reason why there are so many of these places. I've shipped something through one of these places once. I needed to ship something I sold on eBay and I didn't have any packing supplies. I stopped in one of these places thinking "oh this will be quick and easy." Before I left I had spent more on packing and shipping than I had sold the item for. Really? A small box, couple of packing peanuts and some tape for $7. No Thanks. Not Again.

So, if I was left with such a miserable taste in my mouth from this one experience, how can there be enough return business to support all these places? There's a 2.5 mile stretch on Louetta out here in Cypress that has 6 postal service businesses. Yeah you read that right 6. That doesn't even count the 3 post offices that are easily accessible from those locations.

Maybe, I'm paranoid but I've seen The Wire. I've seen Stringer Bell working the counter at his copy shop. His copy shop which by the way had postal services. You can believe what you want. Keep turning a blind eye to what's going on in our community but as for me, I'm gonna see if I can get Lester Freamon to start chasing the money.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/11/10

Top Five

1. The purity of justice in a karmic world - On a day in which the Longhorns were idle, I can't think of anything better than seeing Nick Saban, Urban Meyer and Lane Kiffin getting beat within a few hours of one another. Maybe next year Lipless Stoops will be able to join the blanket party and take a beating of his own.

2. Antonio Gates - Gates is a one man fantasy football wrecking crew. I've been playing FF for nearly 20 years now and for many seasons I had a strict "no tight end" policy in leagues where one wasn't required. The NFL is a much more pass heavy league now than when I started playing in fantasy leagues, so I've had to adjust my thinking. This year I grabbed Gates in several leagues and have been reaping the rewards. 29-478-7 very impressive stat line.

3. The train wreck that is the Cowboys season - Maybe you have the great full life and you don't have to wallow in the misery of others but I do. The Cowboys are one loss away from complete nuclear meltdown and I'm loving it. Romo is proving once again why he was an undrafted free agent while getting paid elite QB money. Wade Phillips still isn't sure whether he or Jason Garrett is the real head coach and Jerry Jones can't cry about all this or is face will slide off his head. What a glorious time.

4. Rubicon - If you haven't seen this week's episode, STOP SPOILERS AHEAD. Spangler is a very evil man and I kind of love him. His wicked little smile when he had the top government officials waiting on the phone for him was priceless. I was very afraid we had seen the end of Kale when he was on the phone with Will. His conversation with Spangler just before was very eerie and seemed like a goodbye. Will is a very smart man but too distracted to put it all together in time. He needs to follow Kale's lead when Kale tells him "I don't trust anyone." I've very interested to find out where the final episode goes now that Qateb has struck. This season has been an A+ so far. I think I can safely say it will make my best of list at the end of the year.

5. Old 97's - They have a new CD coming out tomorrow "The Grand Theatre Volume One" and then will be playing the Continental Club on Thursday. I've seen these guys live countless times and they always give you your money's worth. I'm going to try to make it out on Thursday and I highly recommend you do the same.



Bottom Five

1. Texans secondary - I'd like Rick Smith or Gary Kubiak to give the fans a really good explanation of how having Dunta Robinson in an uncapped year would have made this defense worse. If you though Kareem Jackson was the best CB on the board when you picked, I have no problem with the pick. That's why you have a scouting organization and they know more than I'll ever know about playing CB but letting a solid starter like Robinson walk because of money or because he hurt the GM's feelings is just stupid and an insult to the fans. No he's not elite or even a shutdown corner but he is a solid NFL starter and the guys you're running out there right now are not. This season is balancing on the edge of a razor right now and could be a complete disaster three weeks from now if things go bad. I hope Kubes and Frank Bush have some answers. Luckily, even a complete Texans collapse won't diminish the joy I'll get from a Cowboys disaster.

2. Dish Network - I'm not a Dish Network subscriber and thank God. If I lost FX in the middle of the SOA, Sunny, Terriers and The League season, I'd probably go on a DC sniper type spree. U-Verse, you've been warned. Dish has always seemed like a second rate service to me so I can't say I'm completely surprised. Hopefully, any FX fans have already made the switch to U-Verse or DirectTV. Stay away from cable though. They're a bunch of soulless bastards who will one day burn in hell with their Blockbuster brethren.

3. Attention to details on Dexter - This has not been the strongest season of Dexter so far but in fairness, they had giant footsteps to fill following last season. I'm hopeful the story arc will pick up now that Dexter is back to killing folks. However, what has really bothered me has been the details so far. Maybe I'm only noticing these things because the story line hasn't been all that engaging but stuff like Dexter's laptop having no security really bugged the shit out of me. This week Deb walks out of the room and Dex just open his computer with pictures of dead girls in barrels on the desktop along with a picture of his next victim. Perhaps this is meant to show how effed Dexter has been since the death of Rita but I don't think so. I know others noticed how ridiculously easy it was for Dexter to get detailed information on Boyd. I just need you to clean that stuff up a bit and get back to what you do best. Making us feel OK about rooting for a serial killer.

4. Pearland - You have a great Little League team. Awesome. The rest of the city would fit nicely in my Eat a D*ck post. My parents, brother and sister all live in Pearland and I've been there enough to know better than to go down Cullen on the weekend because of the endless stream of funerals going on. However, going to funeral doesn't give you the right to be a giant prick. Based on the cars and the way the attendees were dressed I would guess that someone connected to a local gang was being buried. The attendees feeling very entitled decided they would pass on the shoulder, cut other drivers off and weave in and out of on coming traffic. Of course the officers working the funeral traffic had no interest in the safety of the other drivers and enabled this behavior. Combine this with the a-holes at McDonalds who refused to make a break in the line so my kid could go take a piss and I could care less if the whole place fell in to the gulf. Oh and Pearland waiters, you can go F*ck yourselves as well.

5. FSU v. Miami - Remember when this was a big game? Yeah no one playing in it can either. I think the oldest person on the roster was about 3 the last time it had any significance. I'd like to personally thank the genius who decided we should get this POS instead of the USC/Stanford game featuring Houston's own Andrew Luck. I ended up watching Les Miles pull another rabbit out of his ass instead. Just remember TCU v. SMU used to be a big deal too back when Slinging Sammy and Doak Walker roamed the gridiron. No amount of Eric Winston tweets will make this turd interesting again until they stop playing their crappy ACC brand of football.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings

Top Five

1.  Taco - Taco's performance of "My Negenta" at Dr. Andre's whites only party was only slightly less stellar than when he rides his Vespa while flailing said negenta.
2. Shrimp and Grits at Zelko Bistro - Went to Zelko again last week. Fried pickles followed by shrimp and grits. If you haven't tried this place. Get there.
3. Bored to Death - The season 2 premier was OK at best. The second episode on the other hand had more laugh out loud moments that "East Bound & Down." If you didn't see the first season, don't worry, you can pick up right here and be fine.
4. Into the Wind -Very touching, well presented 30 for 30 documentary on Terry Fox. Honestly, I started feeling a little guilty for all the comedy mileage I used to get out of the Terry Fox imitation back in the neighborhood.
5. Pac10 football - I have no issues with saying Oregon is the second best team in the nation. I feel even stronger that the Pac10 is the best conference. Alabama is far and away the best team but from top to bottom the competition is better in the Pac10 than the SEC. Part of that has to do with.....

Bottom Five

1. Les Miles -  Really? I just have to assume Les stumbled across a very powerful Voodoo witch doctor his first season in Louisiana and is milking him for all he's worth. With the revival of Mickey Rourke's career, I smell an Angel Heart sequel in the works.
2. Charmin Mega Roll - I've been to a couple different stores and can't find my beloved Mega Roll. I can't possibly go back to using those tiny "Big" rolls again after years in Mega paradise.
3. OU tranny cheerleaders - Wow. Just in case you missed this brute, here "she" is for your viewing pleasure. BTW, if you are The University of Oklahoma, why do you call yourselves OU?
4. The Office - Just quit already.
5. Network television patience - Lone Star gets two episodes to build an audience. Really? Hell Cavemen got six. What is the point of putting a show on if you would consider pulling it after only two episodes? You obviously thought the pilot was good enough to build a series around. Not to mention the millions you spent on promotion. If you had something that much better to run in it's place, I think you would have had it on the schedule in the first place.

Can't Trust'em

There are things in this world you just can't trust. Some of them are common sense. Some you learn from personal experience and others still are well kept secrets. Now there's no substitute for life experience when it comes to recognizing trap doors but being the generous person I am, I feel it's my duty to give you a good base of 25 people, places and things that cannot be trusted.

Never Trust...

1. a red headed quarterback.
2. a left footed kicker.
3. a skinny chef (submitted by Heath Parker. Although anyone who's eaten Jaime Zelko's food will disagree.)
4. a white yard guy.
5. anyone who likes to sit in the last row of the movie theater.
6. a man with bedazzled jean pockets.
7. anyone that doesn't like dogs. They're trying to hide something.
8. anyone you play fantasy football with.
9. a Conference USA team to pull over a 4 team parlay for you.
10. the football knowledge of a Cowboys "fan".
11. the 45 year old guy all by himself at Dave & Busters.
12. your order is correct in lane B at Whataburger.
13. a car salesman that doesn't smoke.
14. a guy who doesn't have a favorite team.
15. cat guy.
16. anyone who votes straight ticket.
17. anyone that doesn't know the difference between a Texas and Tennessee accent. Most of Hollywood.
18. anyone on television.
19. anything a kid gives you.
20. anything a teenager tells you.
21. a front runner. Yeah, I'm sure the Lakers, Yankees and Cowboys were always your favorite teams.
22. the guy that can't work a grill.
23. anyone who hasn't held a blue collar job.
24. the guy who wants to go to the mall.
25. bloggers.

OK so who else should not be trusted?