ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/29/10

Top 5



1. Andre Johnson - How great was Dre's day? Let's see. Set an NFL record for being the first receiver to catch 60+ balls in their first 8 seasons. Check. Catch a touchdown to help your team beat one of your biggest rivals. Check. Lay a beat down on the love child of Josh Koscheck and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Check Check.

2. Nevada - God bless Nevada. You blessed creatures have saved us all from a month of Boise St. overload. I actually gave up on Nevada at halftime when the game was at 24-7. Boise was moving the ball at will and Nevada just didn't seem up to the task. Thankfully I was wrong about Nevada and Boise showed they were not above choking away a lead. Thanks again Nevada and thank you Kyle Brotzman.

3. Terriers -If you haven't been watching Terriers this season then you need to fix that. Terriers is my run away choice for drama rookie of the year. I find the story lines better than Boardwalk Empire and the performances better than Justified. I know there have been rumors of it meeting the same fate as that other rookie, Rubicon. I don't want to face losing another of my favorite shows because you people aren't smart enough to watch it.

4. Antidepressants - To say I'm not a Christmas person would be more than a small understatement. I've always been a bit too socially awkward to be comfortable and much to self indulgent to care how that made others feel. Even as a kid I didn't enjoy Christmas. I never seemed to have the right reaction to a gift and couldn't fake small talk well enough to put others at ease. Now, I'm able to get through the Christmas because I have kids and antidepressants. The kids help me enjoy Christmas because it's about them and their happiness makes me happy. The antidepressants help me deal with everyone else who actually enjoys Christmas.

5. Texas high school football playoffs - I went to my first high school football game since 2002 Saturday night and had a great time. I got a chance to see some people I hadn't seen in years. I mostly hung out with some of my brother's old crew and these boys made the game that much better. The mighty Roughnecks were able to overcome a disastrous second half to advance to the class 3A semi finals. As fate would have it, the Roughnecks are playing at the Berry Center again this week. I've already made my plans to be there. I just need to send Mondo a message to save me seat so I can watch it with those nuts again.

Bottom 5

1. Boise St. - Poor, Poor Boise, this was a tough week, wasn't it. First, they see all their hopes and dreams get flushed down the drain when they choked away the Nevada game. Then, just when things couldn't get worse, TCU bolts for the Big East. Remember a few months ago when you left the WAC to join Utah, BYU and TCU in the Mountain West. That didn't quite work out did it. Now, I'm a well documented hater of BSU but not for the reasons you think. I'm all for the little guy rising up to shake the system. I'm just not for Boise being that little guy. Their fans are insufferable. When you watch a Boise game the first thing you notice is the striking similarities between Boise and Utah Jazz fan, white, angry and way too self important. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see them do a pass interference call in unison. I know you want to be a player and as long as Chris Peterson is there you might just be. Just know that most of us hate you. So, stop being angry, stop playing most of your games on weekdays, get yourself into a real conference and most importantly get rid of that stupid blue turf.

2. College Voters - I'm probably the last person you'll hear defending Texas A&M but even I find it completely ridiculous that they fell in every single poll this week. They have been on a six game winning streak that included beating Oklahoma, Nebraska and finally arch rival Texas. Yes, Texas sucked this season but I was at that game and from the second half kick on the outcome was never in doubt. Still their victory over UT was so unimpressive that AP voters actually dropped them two spots from 17 to 19. As a result, they will have to watch two of the teams they beat over that past month play for the Big 12 Championship. Just another feather in the cap for college football legitimacy.


3. Kiddie Park - So I was told this was a San Antonio icon. Now if you follow me on twitter, you are well aware of my disdain for the city of San Antonio. I find it to be one of the saddest places on earth. Anyway, this is about Kiddie Park. So let me set the scene. If you grew up in Houston picture Peppermint Park but outside. If not just imagine a scaled down version of a traveling carnival with rides only for kids 1-10 years old. Now, age that carnival 100 years. Place it between a row of crack houses and a ravine to dump any dead bodies. Then hire the inhabitants of said crack houses to run and maintain the rides. Now, before you let your kids ride anything, cover everything with a nice glaze of tetanus and communicable disease. That is Kiddie Park, San Antonio icon.

4. Sgt. Malarkey & Agent Sebso - Poor Sgt. Malarkey we barely got to know you. You came into our lives and let Jordan Chase tell you what to do. Then the next thing you know, you wake up shrink wrapped to a table in a meticulously built kill room with the woman you raped and tortured ready to jam a very large knife in to your heart. Goodbye. You, Agent Sebso we knew a little longer but it was a bad day for you as well. You mistake was not following your instincts to transfer out of Jersey. Instead, you follow that lunatic Van Alden down to the river and beyond all reason let him baptize you. Huh? I know this won't help you now but if a crazy person asks to let him dunk you under water, don't.

5. Green Lantern - We have a new candidate for worst movie ever made. I saw the trailer the other day and Wow. That movie looks terrible. I mean like Dare Devil terrible, Ashton Kutcher movie terrible. I've got an idea for Hollywood. How about you try casting a good actor in one of these parts? Ryan Reynolds? Really? You do realize he was once the star of something called Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Parlor.

Friday Foresight 11/26/10

It's been a full week already but with Thanksgiving in the rear view mirror, here's a few things I'm looking forward to then next few days.

• I'm looking forward to seeing the Roughnecks play. I missed my 20 year reunion a couple weeks ago and consequently missed out on getting to see some old friends. As chance would have it my old high school (West Columbia Roughnecks) have stormed into the class 3A quarterfinals and even though I now live 80 miles from my home town, the Roughnecks will be playing their next game 5 miles from my house at The Berry Center.
• I'm looking forward to a total of zero minutes spent shopping this weekend. Black Friday be damned.
• I'm looking forward to the Texans stepping up and giving the Titans a Rusty Smith.
• I'm looking forward to no longer being tortured by the 2010 Longhorns. 
• I'm looking forward to a weekend without any kid birthdays.
• I'm looking forward to Oklahoma St. running it up on OU.
• I'm looking forward to not being in San Antonio. Holy Donkey that town depresses me.
• I'm looking forward to BCS Armageddon.
• Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting some good sleep in my own bed.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/22/10

Top 5


1. Orange - There are very few things that can get me behind the Aggies but Bo Pelini is one. Wow, I've written this paragraph several times now and I just can't seem to muster the proper hate. Thanks, Longhorns that's what you and your crappy play has done to me this season. Not only have you sucked the enjoyment of UT games out of me but you've also killed my personal hate machine. I'm sure I'll find my hate before we get to DKR on Thursday night though.  We're also celebrating the orange of Oklahoma St. as they try to save us from having to see OU and their lip less coach in another Big 12 title game. Go Pokes. 


2. Astros Fans - Christmas came early for Astros fans. Last week Drayton McLane announced he was putting the Astros on the market. Maybe he got tired of seeing the guys he runs out of town in the World Series, Bob Watson (Yankees), Gerry Hunsicker (Rays), Nolan Ryan (Rangers). Maybe even he finally got tired of his whole fake "who wants to be a champion" act. I know the fans have been tired of it for years now. Uncle D did do some good things though so in the spirit of Thanksgiving, thanks for the World Series appearance, thanks for the playoff runs, thanks for the great stadium, thanks for letting us celebrate Biggio's career 77 times, also thanks for Carlos Lee's contract, thanks for $9 nachos, thanks for running the Oilers out of town, thanks for Tim Purpura, thanks for taking the farm system from #1 to #30. Mostly, we'd like to thank you for waiting two years to put the team on the market because we would have hated for a local icon like Nolan Ryan to buy the team.

3. The Eagles - They're no Don Henley, Glen Frey and Joe Walsh but Mike Vick, DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy are the most exciting team in the NFL right now. I don't know if they have the defense or the football IQ on offense to win the Super Bowl but they definitely have enough to challenge in the NFC. As a Texans fan, I fully expect the Eagles to put up at least 60 points on the Texans pathetic pass defense. DeSean Jackson getting 15-20 yards of separation on Kareem Jackson isn't a possibility, it's a probability. The biggest issue I foresee is if both the Eagles and the Steelers  make it to the Super Bowl, who do you root for? The dog executioner or the sexual assaulter? As a dog owner and lover I find it very hard to root for Vick but the thought of pulling for Rapelisberger just makes my skin crawl.

4. Boardwalk Empire - Man, this weeks episode had it all. Arnold Rothstein coolly putting the Philly boys in their place. Al Capone having a moment of clarity during a bar mitzvah. Eddie really feeling it after saving Nucky's life. Van Alden hitting the sauce then hitting a very saucy Lucy. And the coup de grace was Chalky choking a bitch out after finding out he was the person responsible for the lynching of one of his men. Excellent episode.



5. Kids & Art -My wife and I like to expose our kids to as much art and culture as possible. Our daughter, Audrey loves art. She loves looking at, learning about and creating art. She's pretty good too. So last week we a had a pretty successful week when her class went on a field trip to the MFAH to see the German Impressionists and the African Ife exhibits. Then on Saturday we took Audrey and Cash to Via Colori. The Via Colori street paintings were pretty incredible and there was plenty food and activities to keep the kids happy. For a $10 donation you could get your kid a 2ft square and pastels for them to paint themselves. Audrey promptly made a mess of herself in the process of painting her square. In hindsight maybe doing that first wasn't the best idea. Ultimately, we had a great day out and didn't have to spend a lot of money to have a great time.

Audrey got a tattoo of the logo her mama created for Via Colori

 









Bottom 5

1. Bo Pelini - It did not take long for his act to grow tired did it? We get it you're intense. You wear sweatshirts and you're intense. You chomp gum and you're intense. Your brother attacks cameramen and you're intense. You bitch about refs and you're intense. Yeah, so there were some calls that went against you but superior teams find a way to get past the calls. Disciplined teams don't make those penalties in the first place. You think Saturday was bad? Wait until you're playing a night game at the Horseshoe. Listen Bo, just do us a favor stop crying, stop embarrassing your players on national television, stop letting your brother act like an a-hole and stop losing to teams from Texas. Oh never mind that last part, Dr. Tom and the Big 10 already took care of that.

2. Saturday Breakfast - As I've stated before, we go out for Saturday breakfast every week at Harris County Smokehouse. Seriously, they have the best buttermilk pancakes in town. We've got a problem though. For years I could count on them playing some sweet old cowboy music. The restaurant was always full of Johnny Cash, Marty Robbins and all those great old country songs. A few weeks ago someone decided they needed to start playing top 40 country. This is a huge problem. That music sucks and is sucking the fluff and flavor out of my pancakes. I need my weekly dose of family breakfast and I need someone with the skill and magic of HCS to make it but I can't possibly tolerate being sonically tortured for an hour during the process. Please bring back the man in black.

3. VY - Let's get this straight, I love Vince Young. I'll never forget 4th & 5. I'll never forget the best college football player I've ever seen. Unfortunately, it appears for as talented as he is, he's equally immature. There have long been rumors of his lack of work ethic and of course the infamous six on the Wonderlic test. I doubt even Mack Brown believes Vince will win two Super Bowls or come anywhere near the Hall of Fame. At 27, he's a man not a kid. Jeff Fisher is doing the right thing by not coddling him anymore. He's been pampered and told he was great enough for three lifetimes. We'll see if Bud Adams allows Jeff Fisher to give Vince the ass kicking he needs and deserves. If so, hopefully losing his job and possibly team will knock some sense into him much like being run out of Carolina did for Kerry Collins. Vince you were great and every UT fan appreciates what you did while in Austin but your act is tired and you're quickly becoming the worst kind of joke.

4. Reality Show Finales - I rarely watch any shows live. It's much easier to fast forward past commercials or terrible story lines, yeah I'm looking at you Buatista and La Guerta. However, my wife does watch live television while she's working at night and this is where we run into a problem. Just as it had with the Project Runway finale, I happened to be walking through the bedroom at the exact moment they announced the winner for Next Iron Chef. Unfortunately for me, I was just starting the show and still a good 50 minutes behind. Yeah that's right, two shows, two finales and two huge fails on my part. The only consolation was that I had lost a little interest in the Next Iron Chef a couple weeks ago when Bryan Caswell was eliminated. At least my mistake with finding out the ending wasn't nearly as big as Iron Chef cutting Caswell.

5. Thursday Night Football - I want to go on record as not being a fan of a weekly Thursday night game. I'm all for the occasional game and Thanksgiving games but a weekly game unnecesarialy mucks up my Thursday night viewing. One college game mixed with my normal Thursday night television is plenty. On top of that, the announcing team for the NFL network is left of terrible. Bob Papa is fine as a play by play guy but the rest of the team isn't doing him any favors. Didn't we kill Joe Theismann off a few years ago when Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? For the life of me I can't remember anyone clamoring to have him back on their TV. The best thing I can say for Matt Millen is that he's a better television analyst than he was a GM but then again he did GM a team to a 0-16 record.

Friday Foresight 11/19/10

What are we looking forward to this weekend?

• I was looking forward to Northwestern & Illinois players body checking one another into the Wrigley outfield wall but now I guess I'll look forward to the inevitable "you didn't get both feet past the 50 yard line before you headed for the endzone" argument. Half court basketball much? 
• I'm looking forward to taking the wife and kids to Via Colori.  
• I'm looking forward to the Aggies stomping a mud hole in Nebraska and their cry baby head coach.
• I'm looking forward to the one great half of football the Texans will have against the Jets.
• I'm looking forward to settling down Sunday afternoon with the dogs at my side to watch some NFL games.
• I'm looking forward to not looking forward to Thanksgiving. 
• I'm looking forward to the 12-23 minutes of peace I will get this weekend.
• I'm looking forward to not watching the NBA.

What are you looking forward to?

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/15/10

Top 5

1. Manny Pacquiao - I don't know if he's the baddest man on the planet but he's damn sure the best pound for pound boxer. I can't remember another fight with such a disparity in size. Margarito towered over Pacman and out weighed him by at least 20lbs and Manny just surgically dismantled him. How bad was it? Margarito is on the short list of worst people in sports and people watching the fight were essentially begging the referee to stop it. Like the other four boxing fans, I'd love to see Manny get a shot at Floyd Mayweather but He'd made it pretty clear he doesn't want any real opponents.

2. Dexter - I've been slow to warm to this season of Dexter but I have to admit I'm really enjoying the budding relationship between Lumen and Dexter. I am bothered by how many people have now known what Dexter does in his spare time and he's never been in any real danger of being exposed. Those worries are far less a concern than getting rid of any story line involving La Guerta. Thankfully, I DVR the show and can FF through most of her scenes.

3. Lethal Weapon 5 - Sunny killed from start to finish this week. Lethal Weapon 5? Yes please. I pray there is a longer form of this included with the Blu Ray version of this season. Has there ever been another show in which a Jugalo, a man in black face, soft core porn, a high school field trip and Dave Nelson of WNYX have all come together in one beautiful story. I think not.

4. The Ol' Ball Coach - Congrats to Steve Spurrier. It took several years but it looks like he's finally earning that membership to Augusta National he reportedly got when he agreed to coach South Carolina. College football is better when Spurrier is winning. No body is more arrogant and funny at the same time than Spurrier as king of the mountain. I'm sure beating Florida and that smarmy slime bag Urban Meyer to clinch the SEC east probably tasted pretty good too. An SEC Championship game featuring the two best players in the conference, Lattimore and Newton, should be great. Too bad Chizik has no chance of measuring up to the ol' ball coach.

5. 30 for 30 - I finally got around to watching the 30 for 30 documentary on Marcus Dupree. It was another excellent doc. The best parts of the film were the interviews with Fred Akers, Barry Switzer, Tommy Reaux and Luscious Selmon. It's was sad to see how he was used by Maverick Carter, uh I mean Ken Fairley. Then again anyone who follows the advice of Billy Sims instead of Earl Campbell is kind of asking for bad shit to happen to them anyway.

Bottom 5

1. Football - This I was witness to a personal football apocalyptic superfecta. That would be the Losses by the Longhorns and Texans combined with victories by OU, A&M and Dallas. I'm starting to think the football gods are punishing me for taking this season off from gambling. My goal was to see if my enjoyment diminished when I didn't have money riding on games. In fact, I find it much easier to get engrossed in one game without worrying about what is going on in every other game on the slate. I fully expect to be back to my degenerate ways next season but so far this year it's been nice to just sit back and take a deep breath.

2. Poorly timed epidemics - This past Saturday was my 20 year high school reunion. Wow that reminds me, when I was 20 and my boss was going to his 20 year reunion and all I could think was "this dude is old." Anyway, We had plans to take the kids to the BBQ during the day then drop them off with my parents so we could go to the dinner party that evening. However, fate had another plan. On Thursday Denise came down with a sinus infection, both kids already had colds and then Friday night I was hit with a stomach bug. You know the kind, you're up all night spending a lot of intimate time with your best friend Johnny. My stomach bug lasted well into the next day so I wasn't nearly brave enough to travel, let alone with kids. So, I missed the reunion and a chance to catch up with a bunch of folks I've known since preK but haven't seen in a decade. Thanks to Facebook, it looks like everyone had a great time and I can definitively say I am aging much better than the rest of my classmates. Here's to the 40th reunion when I still look 35 and you all look like Al Davis.

3. Guys in pajama pants - A few years ago I noticed more and more teenage girls wearing pajama pants out in public. I gave this little attention because I assume all teenagers are stupid and these girls probably just didn't realize they hadn't changed clothes yet. Then grown women started to follow suit. Again, I let this slide because women are generally soft and sometimes make me feel special and funny. On Sunday, we went for our traditional weekend breakfast at Harris County Smokehouse (best buttermilk pancakes in Houston) and I see a man in his 30's wearing a t-shirt, flip-flops and pajama pants. My first thought was to figure out the odds of the cops at the next table arresting me if I threw the pot of hot gravy on this guy. I figured 50/50 at best but considering my issues from the previous day I didn't want to spend any time in a dirty jail cell. Even though I had to let this guy walk after committing this atrocity, I want to make it abundantly clear this is never acceptable. I have a long recorded record of my hatred for guys wearing flip flops but to add the pajama pants makes me assume you are either mentally challenged or you want to be hit by a car. I'm all for comfort but keep it classy guys. No body wants to catch an unfortunate encounter with you and a loose piss flap.

4. Restaurants with smoking sections - One of Audrey's classmates had a birthday party on Friday night out in Katy. The party was girls only so we had a few hours to kill before we picked her up. Driving 45 minutes home seemed pointless so we decided to grab a bite to eat in Katy. Since I failed to get a recommendation from a local I decided to support my favorite radio station, 1560 The Game, by eating at one of their sponsors. We settled on Wild Wing Cafe since neither of us had been there before. I can confidently say I won't be going back. The food was your typical fried fare, neither terrible nor spectacular. The problem though was that as soon as you walked through the door you were overwhelmed by smoke. I thought we had settled this long ago. If you have a smoking and non smoking section, what you really have is a smoking and a slightly less smokey area. Thankfully, I noticed just a few people on the patio and none of them smoking. About 15 minutes into our meal a group of guys all dressed like Quin from Dexter sat down at the table next to us and proceeded to chain smoke. I have both a wife and daughter who suffer with asthma as well as 19 month old toddler, so my tolerance for smoking is somewhere between stealing from the elderly and strangling puppies. If I'd known they were a smoking establishment, I never would have gone there in the first place but as anyone with kids will tell you, once the kids are out of the car you've made your decision.

5. Antonio Margarito's Eye - As I previously stated, Margarito is a bad guy. I was glad to see him get pummeled Saturday night. Hell, I would have been fine with a mid fight rule change to extend the beating to 15 rounds. He deserves every bit of that ass whooping but for those who didn't see it, take a look at that eye. The slab of meat they glued to Rocky's face at the end of Rocky I didn't look that gnarly. Manny pounded that eye round after round and Margarito was too slow and too blind to do anything about it.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/8/10

Top 5

1. Tron - You win. Tron has every male in their 30's and 40's completely geeked. Based on the twitter excitement out there, I expect the new Tron movie to make about $4 trillion dollars. As for me, I didn't really care for the first Tron when I was 11 or 12 and I absolutely hated the Tron video games. So sorry Mr. Tron unless you send one of your bike guys out to the Visa computer and hack my account, you won't be getting any of my money.


2. The Hold Steady - I made it out to Warehouse Live this past Saturday to catch The Hold Steady show. The band was even better live than I had expected. Singer/songwriter Craig Finn brings it live. His voice replaces a bit of the baritone with more nasal but he and the rest of the band sounded great. Live Craig Finn turns into an epileptic St. Bernard with a large collection of books and a raging cocaine habit. Not addiction mind you but habit.


Warehouse Live is intimate enough to really enjoy a show like this. The opening acts batted .500 for the night. The first band, The American Heist was somewhere between bad and terrible. The second act, Company of Thieves, who I still think should rename their band "A Conspiracy of Thieve" because it sounds better, was really good. By the middle of their opening song I was starting to dance with the crowd and I'm a guy that dances like Chris Penn in Footloose. I could have done without the masses of hipsters but the show made up for the dip shit factor. I did have the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erin Nicks (@erinnicks) and The Driver at the show. They are now my favorite Canadians, your move Steve in the KT.



3. Addicts - Lindsey Lohan wants to open her own rehab center. This is good for anyone who is being legally forced to go to rehab. Now if you are making the decision about getting clean and you are serious about your sobriety then the LiLo Clinic probably isn't the best place. However, if you're one of the unfortunate that is being forced into rehab by that "asshole" judge, then I can't think of a better place to be. Who better to teach you how to take control of your disease than Lindsey.  This would be like Jeff Skilling teaching a business ethics class at UH. Do you think for a second the LiLo Clinic won't be the most posh crack house on the block. Lindsey will have her "therapists" remove all drugs from your person as you enter the clinic and instantly upgrade you to a better brand of narcotic. I love this idea and hope she decides Houston would be the best place for her clinic. Being an addict is about to get a lot more fun.


4. Dallas Cowboys - Congratulations Cowboys fans you finally ran Bum's Son out of town. Now scroll down to the bottom five for the rest of the story.


5. Cake in the city of Houston - Do any of you remember the show "Amish in the City"? It was a Real World type reality show that put a group of Amish kids together in a house with non Amish kids in Los Angeles. The Amish kids were going through what they call Rumspringa. This is a time in which Amish kids leave and experience life outside the community. At the end of this period they have to decide whether they want to return to the community and join the Amish Church or permanently leave to become a member of the outside world.


Well as you may remember, I started the Quick Weight Loss Center program a few months ago and lost nearly 40 pounds in the process. I still had a lot of weight to lose but I too went on rumspringa. Instead of experiencing electricity, motorized cars and formal education, I was experiencing great walls of chocolate, brownie bottom pecan pie, Lil Big's crack laced fries. Ultimately, I gained about 10 of those lost pounds back.

Just like the estimated 90% of Amish kids that ultimately return to their faith, I too have returned to QWLC. I started back yesterday with little trouble. It helps that I know the program works and when I'm on it and eating better my wife and kids are also eating better. The goal I set back in July was to lose 120 lbs. As I get back to the program, I'm a quarter of the way there. If I can keep my mind right and off of a brownie a la mode from Barry's Pizza, I know I'll get there.





Bottom 5

1. Texan fans - Is there anything left to say? This team is going no where and I don't see that changing with Kubiak and Rick Smith at the helm. I did not hear a single "expert" that thought drafting Kareem Jackson in the first round was a good pick. I don't remember anyone who thought he should have been drafted ahead of Kyle Wilson. Amobi has been a huge failure. We don't know how Cushing is going to turn out. After he fired Richard Smith, Kubiak refused to interview anyone for the defensive coordinator position and instead promoted Frank Bush who had no coordinator experience coming in. Even following a complete disaster of a game for rookie Kareem Jackson, Kubiak refuses to even entertain the idea of benching the guy. Ugh, I would keep going but I'm starting to dry heave.


Kubiak can somehow turn this franchise around and make them one of the better teams in the league but at this point, I just don't see it.



2. The person next to the doofus hipster -That was me on Saturday night. The Hold Steady concert was packed full of doofus hipster guy. I was fortunate enough to be standing next to the one who wanted everyone to know that even though we all thought Third Eye Blind's self titled was a brilliant album, Eve 6 was the real unsung genius of the 90's. What??? First of all dickhead, Third Eye Blind doesn't even think their music is brilliant. In fact, if you put them and Matchbox 20 in a room together I'm not sure they could tell you which band play which songs. These bands were the specific reason ipods and Internet radio was invented. So we no longer had to suffer being ear raped by their putrid music.  If I had known that the rise of Kurt Cobain was going to destroy the hair bands but then spawn bands like these, I would have gone back in time and killed him when he was a baby. Oh and by the way, I'd like to send out a big thanks to the hipster that burped directly in to my nostrils. That was pleasant.



3. Cam Newton - SEC fans love the SEC. They love their schools but they LOVE the SEC. Ask anyone who was at the BCS championship game last year. As the clock was running out on the Longhorns hopes, did the Bama faithful start a "Roll Tide" chant or even a simple "BAMA" chant? No. They went with the classic "S-E-C" chant. You know what SEC schools love almost as much as their conference? Ratting out other SEC schools and dragging them down into the mud. If you're old enough then you remember the 80's and 90's when nearly SEC school was on probation at one time or another.


Cam Newton is amazing and I love watching him play but this stuff isn't going to stop coming out. The people you've pissed off are going to dig up any and every piece of dirt you've left in your wake. I'm not about to tell you this stuff isn't true because I assume everyone is cheating. I hope all this stuff isn't true, Auburn is one of the few schools I don't hold a grudge against and they've been nice enough to send the Longhorns a couple of really good defensive coordinators. I think the other schools in the SEC need to just get over the fact that a black quarterback is running roughshod over the rest of the conference and let the guy play. I'm going to open up a giant can of hate if these other programs continue to besmirch Cam's good name and ruin my chance to see an Oregon/Auburn title game. FREE CAM.



4. Dallas Cowboys -You had a great week by getting rid of Wade but unfortunately, you're still stuck with Jerry Jones and his band of clowns. Jerry's refusal to let anyone else be the GM and evaluate talent will continue to doom this franchise for the foreseeable future. The only period in which he did finally relinquish control was during the Parcell years. According to those who covered the team Jerry hated every minute of it. Hey, I'm not upset by this. I absolutely hate the Cowboys. I'm kind of bummed that Romo is hurt because I miss seeing that dumb look on his face every time he throws and interception. Don't worry though, I'm sure Jason Garrett and John Kitna will get this thing turned around.



5. Parents during time change - If you have young kids, the whole fall back, gain an hour of sleep is a myth. Kids don't run their life by a clock, they run by crazy internal kid time. If you have a kid that was waking up at 6 o'clock last week then they're probably waking up at 5 o'clock this week. In other words, unless you had a 1 year old trying to pull your nose off your face at 5 am, you probably made your own decision to give up that extra hour.

The difinitive case for chocolate over vanilla

Why is chocolate better? Here's why....

• no one ever created a delicious candy bar by accidentally dipping their vanilla in peanut butter.
• no one has ever referred to themselves as a vanillaholic.
• most people believe a black & white cookie is only half iced.
• no one has ever ever referred to their self as "Black Vanilla."
• Johnny Depp is infinitely cooler than Tom Cruise.
• a chocolate offense would hang half a hundred on a vanilla defense.
• no one craves a cup of hot vanilla on a cold night.
• there's no such thing at plain chocolate.
• no one ever gave Jesus a vanilla bunny for Passover.
• Vanilla Fudge was a terrible band.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/1/10

Top 5

1. Halloween - I hate Halloween. I'm not a fan of strangers knocking on my door. I loathe the grown idiots who think it's either ironic or cool to still trick or treat. I don't support our national day of taking our kids out to work on their pan handling skills. However, I do love the costumes my wife comes up with. Except for the year she was pregnant with Cash, she always makes the kid's costumes and this year was no different. Last year the kids went as the Hiphopopotamus and Rhymenoceros but there just weren't enough Flight of the Conchords fans in our neighborhood to get it. This year Audrey went as the Tooth Fairy and Cash was her Quarter. They looked great and had a lot of fun but I still don't like the day.
 

2. Peter Pan - I took Audrey to see Peter Pan at the Alley on Saturday. It was an excellent production and I think they won over a new theater fan in Audrey. Big thanks to Barry Stagg (@bcstagg) for the tickets and back stage tour. Audrey was a little anxious to leave during the first act but once I let he know we weren't leaving, she settled in and loved it. She spent the rest of the day telling her mom everything about the play and especially about getting to meet the actor that played Peter.

3. Thursday Night TV - This past Thursday was the best day of television so far this season. The League and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia have been killing it for five weeks now. The Office finally produced an episode that reminded us why we continue to watch every week. Even Grey's Anatomy has been pretty good this season. I'm just eagerly waiting the penultimate Christina and Meredith murder/suicide episode we all so desperately want.

4. Walking Dead - Great, Great premiere episode. There's only six episodes in season one so get on this while it's still fresh.

5. Election Day - I hope everyone eligible got out and exercised their right to vote. I don't know how this is going to go and I'm neither a Democrat nor Republican but I'm all for anything that means I don't have to see Nancy Pelosi's disgusting face on my television.


Bottom 5

1. Longhorn Football - I would ask "what was that?" but unfortunately I know what that was. That was a Greg Davis special. The Longhorn offense has been pathetic all season but they keep finding ways to knock out the barrel's false bottom and find a new low. Of course, the past few games have been complete team meltdowns including muffed punts, missed tackles, dropped passes and overall poor game planning. I've never been a "Fire Greg Davis" guy up until this year but it is becoming painfully obvious a change is desperately needed. Then again I was Chris Simms over Major Applewhite guy so what the hell do I know. This is the last time the Horns will be in the power rankings. You can't be a failure or disappointment if there is no expectation of success.

2. My Netflix account - I need to apologize to my netflix account. I've had the same movies at home for six weeks now. I may consider canceling my account at the start of the football/fall tv seasons next year.

3. Youth soccer coaches - This is my daughter's second season playing soccer and we've been pretty lucky as far as coaches go. Her coaches so far have been very nice upbeat people that truly care about the kids having fun. Unfortunately, not all the coaches are like this. This week they played a team coached by That Guy. You know the guy. Under Armour pants, hat turned backwards, John Kreese type. He never actually said it but he came awfully close to screaming "finish him" at one point. Before the game he was out there bragging to the coach of our team how he had "one of those Indian kids and he can turn the ball real well. And I have two Spanish kids. They're my powerhouses." Nice dip shit. This is freaking FFPS. They don't even keep score and the kids are six. I'm sure there's a Dynamo call in show that's had a call or forty from this guy offering his "experienced coaching" advice to the Dynamo staff.

4. Gary Kubiak - You had two weeks and that's what you came up with? You decided the best way to attack a team with two of the best pass rushers in the league was to drop back snap after snap. I'm not a coach. Hell, I haven't even played football since junior high but I do know that strategy reeked of stupidity. You have the best receiver in the league and one of the best running games so of course you decide to eliminate them from the game. Go look at the schedule the rest of the way. This is an 8-8 team.

5. The World Series - I can not remember a World Series with less buzz that this one had. They played 45 innings and I think I watched 8 of them. I like baseball. I don't love baseball like I do football but I do enjoy watching the game. The FOX broadcast, extended commercial breaks and overall presentation has rendered the product unwatchable for me.