ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/15/10

Top 5

1. Manny Pacquiao - I don't know if he's the baddest man on the planet but he's damn sure the best pound for pound boxer. I can't remember another fight with such a disparity in size. Margarito towered over Pacman and out weighed him by at least 20lbs and Manny just surgically dismantled him. How bad was it? Margarito is on the short list of worst people in sports and people watching the fight were essentially begging the referee to stop it. Like the other four boxing fans, I'd love to see Manny get a shot at Floyd Mayweather but He'd made it pretty clear he doesn't want any real opponents.

2. Dexter - I've been slow to warm to this season of Dexter but I have to admit I'm really enjoying the budding relationship between Lumen and Dexter. I am bothered by how many people have now known what Dexter does in his spare time and he's never been in any real danger of being exposed. Those worries are far less a concern than getting rid of any story line involving La Guerta. Thankfully, I DVR the show and can FF through most of her scenes.

3. Lethal Weapon 5 - Sunny killed from start to finish this week. Lethal Weapon 5? Yes please. I pray there is a longer form of this included with the Blu Ray version of this season. Has there ever been another show in which a Jugalo, a man in black face, soft core porn, a high school field trip and Dave Nelson of WNYX have all come together in one beautiful story. I think not.

4. The Ol' Ball Coach - Congrats to Steve Spurrier. It took several years but it looks like he's finally earning that membership to Augusta National he reportedly got when he agreed to coach South Carolina. College football is better when Spurrier is winning. No body is more arrogant and funny at the same time than Spurrier as king of the mountain. I'm sure beating Florida and that smarmy slime bag Urban Meyer to clinch the SEC east probably tasted pretty good too. An SEC Championship game featuring the two best players in the conference, Lattimore and Newton, should be great. Too bad Chizik has no chance of measuring up to the ol' ball coach.

5. 30 for 30 - I finally got around to watching the 30 for 30 documentary on Marcus Dupree. It was another excellent doc. The best parts of the film were the interviews with Fred Akers, Barry Switzer, Tommy Reaux and Luscious Selmon. It's was sad to see how he was used by Maverick Carter, uh I mean Ken Fairley. Then again anyone who follows the advice of Billy Sims instead of Earl Campbell is kind of asking for bad shit to happen to them anyway.

Bottom 5

1. Football - This I was witness to a personal football apocalyptic superfecta. That would be the Losses by the Longhorns and Texans combined with victories by OU, A&M and Dallas. I'm starting to think the football gods are punishing me for taking this season off from gambling. My goal was to see if my enjoyment diminished when I didn't have money riding on games. In fact, I find it much easier to get engrossed in one game without worrying about what is going on in every other game on the slate. I fully expect to be back to my degenerate ways next season but so far this year it's been nice to just sit back and take a deep breath.

2. Poorly timed epidemics - This past Saturday was my 20 year high school reunion. Wow that reminds me, when I was 20 and my boss was going to his 20 year reunion and all I could think was "this dude is old." Anyway, We had plans to take the kids to the BBQ during the day then drop them off with my parents so we could go to the dinner party that evening. However, fate had another plan. On Thursday Denise came down with a sinus infection, both kids already had colds and then Friday night I was hit with a stomach bug. You know the kind, you're up all night spending a lot of intimate time with your best friend Johnny. My stomach bug lasted well into the next day so I wasn't nearly brave enough to travel, let alone with kids. So, I missed the reunion and a chance to catch up with a bunch of folks I've known since preK but haven't seen in a decade. Thanks to Facebook, it looks like everyone had a great time and I can definitively say I am aging much better than the rest of my classmates. Here's to the 40th reunion when I still look 35 and you all look like Al Davis.

3. Guys in pajama pants - A few years ago I noticed more and more teenage girls wearing pajama pants out in public. I gave this little attention because I assume all teenagers are stupid and these girls probably just didn't realize they hadn't changed clothes yet. Then grown women started to follow suit. Again, I let this slide because women are generally soft and sometimes make me feel special and funny. On Sunday, we went for our traditional weekend breakfast at Harris County Smokehouse (best buttermilk pancakes in Houston) and I see a man in his 30's wearing a t-shirt, flip-flops and pajama pants. My first thought was to figure out the odds of the cops at the next table arresting me if I threw the pot of hot gravy on this guy. I figured 50/50 at best but considering my issues from the previous day I didn't want to spend any time in a dirty jail cell. Even though I had to let this guy walk after committing this atrocity, I want to make it abundantly clear this is never acceptable. I have a long recorded record of my hatred for guys wearing flip flops but to add the pajama pants makes me assume you are either mentally challenged or you want to be hit by a car. I'm all for comfort but keep it classy guys. No body wants to catch an unfortunate encounter with you and a loose piss flap.

4. Restaurants with smoking sections - One of Audrey's classmates had a birthday party on Friday night out in Katy. The party was girls only so we had a few hours to kill before we picked her up. Driving 45 minutes home seemed pointless so we decided to grab a bite to eat in Katy. Since I failed to get a recommendation from a local I decided to support my favorite radio station, 1560 The Game, by eating at one of their sponsors. We settled on Wild Wing Cafe since neither of us had been there before. I can confidently say I won't be going back. The food was your typical fried fare, neither terrible nor spectacular. The problem though was that as soon as you walked through the door you were overwhelmed by smoke. I thought we had settled this long ago. If you have a smoking and non smoking section, what you really have is a smoking and a slightly less smokey area. Thankfully, I noticed just a few people on the patio and none of them smoking. About 15 minutes into our meal a group of guys all dressed like Quin from Dexter sat down at the table next to us and proceeded to chain smoke. I have both a wife and daughter who suffer with asthma as well as 19 month old toddler, so my tolerance for smoking is somewhere between stealing from the elderly and strangling puppies. If I'd known they were a smoking establishment, I never would have gone there in the first place but as anyone with kids will tell you, once the kids are out of the car you've made your decision.

5. Antonio Margarito's Eye - As I previously stated, Margarito is a bad guy. I was glad to see him get pummeled Saturday night. Hell, I would have been fine with a mid fight rule change to extend the beating to 15 rounds. He deserves every bit of that ass whooping but for those who didn't see it, take a look at that eye. The slab of meat they glued to Rocky's face at the end of Rocky I didn't look that gnarly. Manny pounded that eye round after round and Margarito was too slow and too blind to do anything about it.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/8/10

Top 5

1. Tron - You win. Tron has every male in their 30's and 40's completely geeked. Based on the twitter excitement out there, I expect the new Tron movie to make about $4 trillion dollars. As for me, I didn't really care for the first Tron when I was 11 or 12 and I absolutely hated the Tron video games. So sorry Mr. Tron unless you send one of your bike guys out to the Visa computer and hack my account, you won't be getting any of my money.


2. The Hold Steady - I made it out to Warehouse Live this past Saturday to catch The Hold Steady show. The band was even better live than I had expected. Singer/songwriter Craig Finn brings it live. His voice replaces a bit of the baritone with more nasal but he and the rest of the band sounded great. Live Craig Finn turns into an epileptic St. Bernard with a large collection of books and a raging cocaine habit. Not addiction mind you but habit.


Warehouse Live is intimate enough to really enjoy a show like this. The opening acts batted .500 for the night. The first band, The American Heist was somewhere between bad and terrible. The second act, Company of Thieves, who I still think should rename their band "A Conspiracy of Thieve" because it sounds better, was really good. By the middle of their opening song I was starting to dance with the crowd and I'm a guy that dances like Chris Penn in Footloose. I could have done without the masses of hipsters but the show made up for the dip shit factor. I did have the pleasure of meeting the lovely Erin Nicks (@erinnicks) and The Driver at the show. They are now my favorite Canadians, your move Steve in the KT.



3. Addicts - Lindsey Lohan wants to open her own rehab center. This is good for anyone who is being legally forced to go to rehab. Now if you are making the decision about getting clean and you are serious about your sobriety then the LiLo Clinic probably isn't the best place. However, if you're one of the unfortunate that is being forced into rehab by that "asshole" judge, then I can't think of a better place to be. Who better to teach you how to take control of your disease than Lindsey.  This would be like Jeff Skilling teaching a business ethics class at UH. Do you think for a second the LiLo Clinic won't be the most posh crack house on the block. Lindsey will have her "therapists" remove all drugs from your person as you enter the clinic and instantly upgrade you to a better brand of narcotic. I love this idea and hope she decides Houston would be the best place for her clinic. Being an addict is about to get a lot more fun.


4. Dallas Cowboys - Congratulations Cowboys fans you finally ran Bum's Son out of town. Now scroll down to the bottom five for the rest of the story.


5. Cake in the city of Houston - Do any of you remember the show "Amish in the City"? It was a Real World type reality show that put a group of Amish kids together in a house with non Amish kids in Los Angeles. The Amish kids were going through what they call Rumspringa. This is a time in which Amish kids leave and experience life outside the community. At the end of this period they have to decide whether they want to return to the community and join the Amish Church or permanently leave to become a member of the outside world.


Well as you may remember, I started the Quick Weight Loss Center program a few months ago and lost nearly 40 pounds in the process. I still had a lot of weight to lose but I too went on rumspringa. Instead of experiencing electricity, motorized cars and formal education, I was experiencing great walls of chocolate, brownie bottom pecan pie, Lil Big's crack laced fries. Ultimately, I gained about 10 of those lost pounds back.

Just like the estimated 90% of Amish kids that ultimately return to their faith, I too have returned to QWLC. I started back yesterday with little trouble. It helps that I know the program works and when I'm on it and eating better my wife and kids are also eating better. The goal I set back in July was to lose 120 lbs. As I get back to the program, I'm a quarter of the way there. If I can keep my mind right and off of a brownie a la mode from Barry's Pizza, I know I'll get there.





Bottom 5

1. Texan fans - Is there anything left to say? This team is going no where and I don't see that changing with Kubiak and Rick Smith at the helm. I did not hear a single "expert" that thought drafting Kareem Jackson in the first round was a good pick. I don't remember anyone who thought he should have been drafted ahead of Kyle Wilson. Amobi has been a huge failure. We don't know how Cushing is going to turn out. After he fired Richard Smith, Kubiak refused to interview anyone for the defensive coordinator position and instead promoted Frank Bush who had no coordinator experience coming in. Even following a complete disaster of a game for rookie Kareem Jackson, Kubiak refuses to even entertain the idea of benching the guy. Ugh, I would keep going but I'm starting to dry heave.


Kubiak can somehow turn this franchise around and make them one of the better teams in the league but at this point, I just don't see it.



2. The person next to the doofus hipster -That was me on Saturday night. The Hold Steady concert was packed full of doofus hipster guy. I was fortunate enough to be standing next to the one who wanted everyone to know that even though we all thought Third Eye Blind's self titled was a brilliant album, Eve 6 was the real unsung genius of the 90's. What??? First of all dickhead, Third Eye Blind doesn't even think their music is brilliant. In fact, if you put them and Matchbox 20 in a room together I'm not sure they could tell you which band play which songs. These bands were the specific reason ipods and Internet radio was invented. So we no longer had to suffer being ear raped by their putrid music.  If I had known that the rise of Kurt Cobain was going to destroy the hair bands but then spawn bands like these, I would have gone back in time and killed him when he was a baby. Oh and by the way, I'd like to send out a big thanks to the hipster that burped directly in to my nostrils. That was pleasant.



3. Cam Newton - SEC fans love the SEC. They love their schools but they LOVE the SEC. Ask anyone who was at the BCS championship game last year. As the clock was running out on the Longhorns hopes, did the Bama faithful start a "Roll Tide" chant or even a simple "BAMA" chant? No. They went with the classic "S-E-C" chant. You know what SEC schools love almost as much as their conference? Ratting out other SEC schools and dragging them down into the mud. If you're old enough then you remember the 80's and 90's when nearly SEC school was on probation at one time or another.


Cam Newton is amazing and I love watching him play but this stuff isn't going to stop coming out. The people you've pissed off are going to dig up any and every piece of dirt you've left in your wake. I'm not about to tell you this stuff isn't true because I assume everyone is cheating. I hope all this stuff isn't true, Auburn is one of the few schools I don't hold a grudge against and they've been nice enough to send the Longhorns a couple of really good defensive coordinators. I think the other schools in the SEC need to just get over the fact that a black quarterback is running roughshod over the rest of the conference and let the guy play. I'm going to open up a giant can of hate if these other programs continue to besmirch Cam's good name and ruin my chance to see an Oregon/Auburn title game. FREE CAM.



4. Dallas Cowboys -You had a great week by getting rid of Wade but unfortunately, you're still stuck with Jerry Jones and his band of clowns. Jerry's refusal to let anyone else be the GM and evaluate talent will continue to doom this franchise for the foreseeable future. The only period in which he did finally relinquish control was during the Parcell years. According to those who covered the team Jerry hated every minute of it. Hey, I'm not upset by this. I absolutely hate the Cowboys. I'm kind of bummed that Romo is hurt because I miss seeing that dumb look on his face every time he throws and interception. Don't worry though, I'm sure Jason Garrett and John Kitna will get this thing turned around.



5. Parents during time change - If you have young kids, the whole fall back, gain an hour of sleep is a myth. Kids don't run their life by a clock, they run by crazy internal kid time. If you have a kid that was waking up at 6 o'clock last week then they're probably waking up at 5 o'clock this week. In other words, unless you had a 1 year old trying to pull your nose off your face at 5 am, you probably made your own decision to give up that extra hour.

The difinitive case for chocolate over vanilla

Why is chocolate better? Here's why....

• no one ever created a delicious candy bar by accidentally dipping their vanilla in peanut butter.
• no one has ever referred to themselves as a vanillaholic.
• most people believe a black & white cookie is only half iced.
• no one has ever ever referred to their self as "Black Vanilla."
• Johnny Depp is infinitely cooler than Tom Cruise.
• a chocolate offense would hang half a hundred on a vanilla defense.
• no one craves a cup of hot vanilla on a cold night.
• there's no such thing at plain chocolate.
• no one ever gave Jesus a vanilla bunny for Passover.
• Vanilla Fudge was a terrible band.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 11/1/10

Top 5

1. Halloween - I hate Halloween. I'm not a fan of strangers knocking on my door. I loathe the grown idiots who think it's either ironic or cool to still trick or treat. I don't support our national day of taking our kids out to work on their pan handling skills. However, I do love the costumes my wife comes up with. Except for the year she was pregnant with Cash, she always makes the kid's costumes and this year was no different. Last year the kids went as the Hiphopopotamus and Rhymenoceros but there just weren't enough Flight of the Conchords fans in our neighborhood to get it. This year Audrey went as the Tooth Fairy and Cash was her Quarter. They looked great and had a lot of fun but I still don't like the day.
 

2. Peter Pan - I took Audrey to see Peter Pan at the Alley on Saturday. It was an excellent production and I think they won over a new theater fan in Audrey. Big thanks to Barry Stagg (@bcstagg) for the tickets and back stage tour. Audrey was a little anxious to leave during the first act but once I let he know we weren't leaving, she settled in and loved it. She spent the rest of the day telling her mom everything about the play and especially about getting to meet the actor that played Peter.

3. Thursday Night TV - This past Thursday was the best day of television so far this season. The League and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia have been killing it for five weeks now. The Office finally produced an episode that reminded us why we continue to watch every week. Even Grey's Anatomy has been pretty good this season. I'm just eagerly waiting the penultimate Christina and Meredith murder/suicide episode we all so desperately want.

4. Walking Dead - Great, Great premiere episode. There's only six episodes in season one so get on this while it's still fresh.

5. Election Day - I hope everyone eligible got out and exercised their right to vote. I don't know how this is going to go and I'm neither a Democrat nor Republican but I'm all for anything that means I don't have to see Nancy Pelosi's disgusting face on my television.


Bottom 5

1. Longhorn Football - I would ask "what was that?" but unfortunately I know what that was. That was a Greg Davis special. The Longhorn offense has been pathetic all season but they keep finding ways to knock out the barrel's false bottom and find a new low. Of course, the past few games have been complete team meltdowns including muffed punts, missed tackles, dropped passes and overall poor game planning. I've never been a "Fire Greg Davis" guy up until this year but it is becoming painfully obvious a change is desperately needed. Then again I was Chris Simms over Major Applewhite guy so what the hell do I know. This is the last time the Horns will be in the power rankings. You can't be a failure or disappointment if there is no expectation of success.

2. My Netflix account - I need to apologize to my netflix account. I've had the same movies at home for six weeks now. I may consider canceling my account at the start of the football/fall tv seasons next year.

3. Youth soccer coaches - This is my daughter's second season playing soccer and we've been pretty lucky as far as coaches go. Her coaches so far have been very nice upbeat people that truly care about the kids having fun. Unfortunately, not all the coaches are like this. This week they played a team coached by That Guy. You know the guy. Under Armour pants, hat turned backwards, John Kreese type. He never actually said it but he came awfully close to screaming "finish him" at one point. Before the game he was out there bragging to the coach of our team how he had "one of those Indian kids and he can turn the ball real well. And I have two Spanish kids. They're my powerhouses." Nice dip shit. This is freaking FFPS. They don't even keep score and the kids are six. I'm sure there's a Dynamo call in show that's had a call or forty from this guy offering his "experienced coaching" advice to the Dynamo staff.

4. Gary Kubiak - You had two weeks and that's what you came up with? You decided the best way to attack a team with two of the best pass rushers in the league was to drop back snap after snap. I'm not a coach. Hell, I haven't even played football since junior high but I do know that strategy reeked of stupidity. You have the best receiver in the league and one of the best running games so of course you decide to eliminate them from the game. Go look at the schedule the rest of the way. This is an 8-8 team.

5. The World Series - I can not remember a World Series with less buzz that this one had. They played 45 innings and I think I watched 8 of them. I like baseball. I don't love baseball like I do football but I do enjoy watching the game. The FOX broadcast, extended commercial breaks and overall presentation has rendered the product unwatchable for me.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/25/10

Top 5

1. Game day with my daughter - This summer when my Longhorn season tickets came in my daughter Audrey told me she wanted to go to a game with me this season. After much consideration, I decided the Iowa St. game was the game to take her to. At the time I assumed this would be a Texas blowout so if we had to leave at halftime, I'd be OK with that. I took her to the game Saturday and regardless of how shitty the Horns played, we had a great time. We showed her around the UT campus and she pointed out to us which dorm she was going to live in. She told me she wanted to stay until half time so she could see if the players got to eat granola bars at half like they do during her soccer games. Ultimately, she decided she wanted to go to another game with me next season. BTW she called the UT loss on Thursday. Kids know.

2. 2010 college football season - Cam Newton, Oregon, great games 11am-midnight and Les Miles' horseshoe. All the great games and players have almost been enough to help me forget how shitty the Longhorns have been. Almost. I'm about as far from a Boise fan as a person can be but I can't argue with anyone who puts them second. However, I really want to see a Auburn v. Oregon national title game. My preliminary final score prediction is 85-83. What I really want though is for all top five teams to remain undefeated to add another nail in the BCS coffin. 

3. The League - I'm hoping to hire Taco to plan my 10 year anniversary party a few years from now. I am afraid he'll show footage from my first wedding though. For the record, I'm perfectly fine if we never see Meegan again. There are plenty of divorced couples that never run across each other and I would just prefer Pete and Meegan become one.

4. MLB Playoffs - I didn't get into the playoffs until the LCS round. The pitching match ups in the NL were stellar and all the games riveting. I was a little less interested in the ALCS mostly because I'm a NL guy. The Rangers are a nice story but they're still Dallas and Dallas can eat it. I have no interest is seeing a bunch of Ed Hardy, Affliction wearing, Dallas douche bags celebrating a World Series victory even though they can't name two players on the team.

5.  My Wife - I don't say this often enough but I have an unbelievable wife. During football season she goes out of her way to make sure I can watch games without being interruption. She does this even though she works 12-14 hours 6-7 days a week. Under normal circumstances, she handles kid birthday party duty during the football season and is reluctant to ask me to do anything out of the norm during games. This Sunday one of Audrey's classmates had a birthday party and my wife and son were both sick.  I was more than happy to step in and take my daughter to the party even though I know my wife would have done it if I had asked. I do everything I can to make her life as easy as possible but I know I'll never be able to give her half of what she gives me. Next Sunday my daughter has another birthday party to attend and I think I'll take her to that one too. Luckily, this one is from 10-noon so I'll be spared the two hour death march that is the NFL pregame shows.


Bottom 5

1. The Yankees - Hey Yanks, remember a few months ago when the you decided you didn't need the services of Cliff Lee or Roy Oswalt? Well tell me how does running A.J. Burnett out to the mound in a game you absolutely had to win taste? Speaking of A.J. can we just call whatever that is meth does to a person's face an A.J. Burnett? Between MLB drug testing and the fact that he's a professional I assume he doesn't do meth but his face would definitely disagree with that assumption.

2. Short term memory of Austin waiters - We ate five meals while we were in Austin this weekend. Not once did a waiter get our order correct the first time. Mind you, these weren't complicated orders. It was simple stuff like ordering iced tea and getting two cups of coffee. Specifically saying no beans and coleslaw and getting two plates of beans and coleslaw. At one point, while having lunch at Kerbey Lane our waiter came and looked at our table three times and couldn't remember he went to get us more chips. Finally, I felt bad for the guy and reminded him. I can't imagine what could cause such short term memory loss.

3. The Longhorns - I've been saying all year, this team plays like they are entitled to win just because they have a burnt orange longhorn on their helmets. The offensive players play as though there are no consequences for their actions. The offensive line is terrible. The WR's play with no urgency and Gilbert has shown no leadership. The defense, who carried the team early, has been wildly inconsistent and someone would be hard pressed to convince me ChykieOC in the mold of Will Muschamp.

4. MLB managers - I don't get the playoff strategy of bringing your starting in to pitch relief. Relief pitchers spend the entire season with a singular focus. Come in, get outs, leave game. They don't work themselves into a rhythm. They have to be on from the first pitch. A starter and reliever mentality is completely different. Starters work themselves into a game. They have to manage the energy they expend per pitch, per batter. Because of all this, I don't understand the strategy of throwing a starting pitcher into a situation they haven't been in before. Twice, in the Giants/Phillies series we saw managers go to the bullpen and call on one of their starters to pitch in relief. Neither was successful. Roy O. gave up the winning run in game 5 and Lincecum struggled to get outs in game 6 until Bochy had to bring in Brian Wilson to get a 5 out save. Managers, stick to the plan. You put these guys on your roster for a reason. They've been good enough to get you here. Let them bring you home.

5. Holiday Inn - Um, it's 2010 right? I couldn't tell at the Holiday Inn this weekend. I didn't even know they still made Ethernet cables but apparently they do because Holiday Inn still thinks this wireless Internet thing is just a passing fad. I can handle bed spreads from 1973 and air conditioners that only make the room 34 or 87 degrees but don't make me get out of bed and sit at some crappy desk with a 2 foot Ethernet cable in order to use the Internet. Unacceptable.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/18/10

Top 5

1. FX - This past week's Sons of Anarchy not withstanding, no one has been on a hotter streak than FX. SOA, Terriers, Sunny and The League have all been hitting it on the screws for a solid month now. Donal Logue is one of those actors I've always liked but wished he was on better show (The Knights of Prosperity the lone exception) and it appears he's finally found it with Terriers. Following a slow two week start, both Sunny and The League are in mid season form as the funniest shows on TV. SOA is well SOA. They came out of the gate blasting and have kept it going all season. If you're not up on original FX programming then you hate entertainment.

2. Death to the BCS - If you're a college football fan or just someone who hates fat cat corruption, I can't recommend this book more. The authors Dan Wetzel, Josh Peter and Jeff Passan expose the BCS for the self serving, corrupt and borderline illegal cartel it is. The hypocrisy and obvious double talk coming from the BCS is astounding. Read this book and you'll find yourself pissed every time a new college football poll comes out.

3. Sunday Night Television - While Boardwalk Empire and Dexter continue to do their thing, Mad Men and Rubicon both wrapped up their seasons this week. Mad Men once again delivered as the best drama on television. It was a strange transition season for Don Draper. Of course he continued to plow through women like Rex Ryan through a family size bag of M&Ms but we also got to see him become more introspective and looking for more than just the next great line or lay. Peggy finally shed the little girl in a man's world act and really came into her own. By mid season she was clearly Drapers right hand and second in command of the creative department.

Rubicon had a solid if not spectacular rookie season. As long as you had the patience to let things develop, you were paid off by the writing and acting by season's end. The finale moved at a pace inconsistent with the rest of the season and was sorely lacking in Kale. The whole episode seemed to speed along trying to tie loose ends just in case they don't get a second season. I have no idea if AMC is going to bring it back but I'm all in if they do.

4. MLB Playoffs - Slow down before you start pumping your fist and waxing poetic about the beauty and pageantry of the baseball playoffs, I've watched maybe three innings total. I mean come on it's football season. I'm just so happy that since the MLB playoffs are here Joe Buck won't be fucking up any football games for 3 weeks or so. There are only two types of people who enjoy Joe Buck. People who watch a game with a score book on their lap and people who hate football.

5. Travis Rodgers Now - Travis has been on the air for a couple months now and is easily the best mid day show in the Houston market. It will take you about five minutes to realize where the best parts of the Jim Rome Show came from. Here's a hint, you can hear him from1-3 on 1560am. The truth is 1560 now has the three best sports radio shows on the air. The one anomaly is between 10-1 when some guy name Rogers Hampton laughs for three straight hours at some Rush Limbaugh impersonator. Back to Travis, unless you're one of those strange people who have a job during the day and can't listen to the radio, Travis Rodgers Now is better than anything else on the radio or television at that time. Believe me, I know.

Bottom 5

1. :01 - Maybe Nebraska should have worried less about the :01 of last year's game and more about the 60:00 of this season's. Bo Pelini had his cry baby act in full effect on Saturday so Will Muschamp and the Texas defense gave him plenty to cry about. And yes an Omaha steak taste much better when seasoned with the salty tears of a Pelini brother. The UT defense completely shut down "Heisman candidate" Taylor Martinez, to the point he was pulled from the game in the second half. Yeah, the Nebraska hopes and dreams were dashed Saturday but at least they have classy fans. You know, the classy fans that booed when Curtis Brown went down with an injury. Is Lincoln a popular retirement destination for Philly residents?

2. Women - This was a bad week for women and sports. Florida Gators head coach Urban Meyer allowed Chris "Time to Die" Rainy to rejoin the team. Coincidentally, the Gators were in the midst of a two game (now three) losing streak. Baylor's basketball coach Scott Drew has decided that punching women and breaking their jaw is no longer an egregious enough offense to keep LaceDarius Dunn off the team. Finally, The original fifteen second man Rick Pitino has decided that being 6'10" is penance enough for punching the mother of your one year old son and fracturing her spine. Wake Forest transfer Tony Woods is looking to join Louisville. Way to set an example you makers of men.

3. Texans defense - Terrible. They can't cover. They no longer can stop the run. I've got an idea. How about Bob McNair take a break from trying to break the players union. Rick Smith take a break from looking slick and trying to win every negotiation and Gary Kubiak take a break from hiring defensive coordinators without interviewing candidates and calling grown men kids. How about these guys get together and figure out how to fix this defense. Look, I know it's outside the box to make trades during the season, but aren't you doing your franchise and your fans a disservice if you don't at least call the crypt keeper to see how many souls Nnamdi Asomugha or Richard Seymour will cost. A baby soul like Amobi's has to fetch a decent price doesn't it?

4. Steve Tasker - Tasker is completely over matched being paired with Gus Johnson. In fact, Tasker is completely over matched being asked to offer analysis on football. Once you've caught his act it becomes perfectly clear that he was a special teams guy mainly because grasping an offense was well beyond his mental capacity.

5. Me - Last week I moved Nebraska up to #2. Down they go. I put Antonio Gates in the power rankings top 5. Down he goes. I put Rubicon in the power rankings top 5. Disappointing finale. Old 97's make the power rankings top 5. I can't get a ticket to the sold out show. I also lost 6 of 7 fantasy football games, stubbed my toe in the bath and had a large section of fence torn down by one of my dogs. This week's gotta be better.

Stringer Bell would be proud

Years ago, whenever you drove by a car wash, what was the first thing that came to mind? Drug money front, right? Well, I'm pretty sure those sly kingpins have moved on from such a transparent money laundering scheme (except maybe Walter White) and moved on to new ventures. That's right postal shops.

Laundering drug money is the only possible reason why there are so many of these places. I've shipped something through one of these places once. I needed to ship something I sold on eBay and I didn't have any packing supplies. I stopped in one of these places thinking "oh this will be quick and easy." Before I left I had spent more on packing and shipping than I had sold the item for. Really? A small box, couple of packing peanuts and some tape for $7. No Thanks. Not Again.

So, if I was left with such a miserable taste in my mouth from this one experience, how can there be enough return business to support all these places? There's a 2.5 mile stretch on Louetta out here in Cypress that has 6 postal service businesses. Yeah you read that right 6. That doesn't even count the 3 post offices that are easily accessible from those locations.

Maybe, I'm paranoid but I've seen The Wire. I've seen Stringer Bell working the counter at his copy shop. His copy shop which by the way had postal services. You can believe what you want. Keep turning a blind eye to what's going on in our community but as for me, I'm gonna see if I can get Lester Freamon to start chasing the money.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 10/11/10

Top Five

1. The purity of justice in a karmic world - On a day in which the Longhorns were idle, I can't think of anything better than seeing Nick Saban, Urban Meyer and Lane Kiffin getting beat within a few hours of one another. Maybe next year Lipless Stoops will be able to join the blanket party and take a beating of his own.

2. Antonio Gates - Gates is a one man fantasy football wrecking crew. I've been playing FF for nearly 20 years now and for many seasons I had a strict "no tight end" policy in leagues where one wasn't required. The NFL is a much more pass heavy league now than when I started playing in fantasy leagues, so I've had to adjust my thinking. This year I grabbed Gates in several leagues and have been reaping the rewards. 29-478-7 very impressive stat line.

3. The train wreck that is the Cowboys season - Maybe you have the great full life and you don't have to wallow in the misery of others but I do. The Cowboys are one loss away from complete nuclear meltdown and I'm loving it. Romo is proving once again why he was an undrafted free agent while getting paid elite QB money. Wade Phillips still isn't sure whether he or Jason Garrett is the real head coach and Jerry Jones can't cry about all this or is face will slide off his head. What a glorious time.

4. Rubicon - If you haven't seen this week's episode, STOP SPOILERS AHEAD. Spangler is a very evil man and I kind of love him. His wicked little smile when he had the top government officials waiting on the phone for him was priceless. I was very afraid we had seen the end of Kale when he was on the phone with Will. His conversation with Spangler just before was very eerie and seemed like a goodbye. Will is a very smart man but too distracted to put it all together in time. He needs to follow Kale's lead when Kale tells him "I don't trust anyone." I've very interested to find out where the final episode goes now that Qateb has struck. This season has been an A+ so far. I think I can safely say it will make my best of list at the end of the year.

5. Old 97's - They have a new CD coming out tomorrow "The Grand Theatre Volume One" and then will be playing the Continental Club on Thursday. I've seen these guys live countless times and they always give you your money's worth. I'm going to try to make it out on Thursday and I highly recommend you do the same.



Bottom Five

1. Texans secondary - I'd like Rick Smith or Gary Kubiak to give the fans a really good explanation of how having Dunta Robinson in an uncapped year would have made this defense worse. If you though Kareem Jackson was the best CB on the board when you picked, I have no problem with the pick. That's why you have a scouting organization and they know more than I'll ever know about playing CB but letting a solid starter like Robinson walk because of money or because he hurt the GM's feelings is just stupid and an insult to the fans. No he's not elite or even a shutdown corner but he is a solid NFL starter and the guys you're running out there right now are not. This season is balancing on the edge of a razor right now and could be a complete disaster three weeks from now if things go bad. I hope Kubes and Frank Bush have some answers. Luckily, even a complete Texans collapse won't diminish the joy I'll get from a Cowboys disaster.

2. Dish Network - I'm not a Dish Network subscriber and thank God. If I lost FX in the middle of the SOA, Sunny, Terriers and The League season, I'd probably go on a DC sniper type spree. U-Verse, you've been warned. Dish has always seemed like a second rate service to me so I can't say I'm completely surprised. Hopefully, any FX fans have already made the switch to U-Verse or DirectTV. Stay away from cable though. They're a bunch of soulless bastards who will one day burn in hell with their Blockbuster brethren.

3. Attention to details on Dexter - This has not been the strongest season of Dexter so far but in fairness, they had giant footsteps to fill following last season. I'm hopeful the story arc will pick up now that Dexter is back to killing folks. However, what has really bothered me has been the details so far. Maybe I'm only noticing these things because the story line hasn't been all that engaging but stuff like Dexter's laptop having no security really bugged the shit out of me. This week Deb walks out of the room and Dex just open his computer with pictures of dead girls in barrels on the desktop along with a picture of his next victim. Perhaps this is meant to show how effed Dexter has been since the death of Rita but I don't think so. I know others noticed how ridiculously easy it was for Dexter to get detailed information on Boyd. I just need you to clean that stuff up a bit and get back to what you do best. Making us feel OK about rooting for a serial killer.

4. Pearland - You have a great Little League team. Awesome. The rest of the city would fit nicely in my Eat a D*ck post. My parents, brother and sister all live in Pearland and I've been there enough to know better than to go down Cullen on the weekend because of the endless stream of funerals going on. However, going to funeral doesn't give you the right to be a giant prick. Based on the cars and the way the attendees were dressed I would guess that someone connected to a local gang was being buried. The attendees feeling very entitled decided they would pass on the shoulder, cut other drivers off and weave in and out of on coming traffic. Of course the officers working the funeral traffic had no interest in the safety of the other drivers and enabled this behavior. Combine this with the a-holes at McDonalds who refused to make a break in the line so my kid could go take a piss and I could care less if the whole place fell in to the gulf. Oh and Pearland waiters, you can go F*ck yourselves as well.

5. FSU v. Miami - Remember when this was a big game? Yeah no one playing in it can either. I think the oldest person on the roster was about 3 the last time it had any significance. I'd like to personally thank the genius who decided we should get this POS instead of the USC/Stanford game featuring Houston's own Andrew Luck. I ended up watching Les Miles pull another rabbit out of his ass instead. Just remember TCU v. SMU used to be a big deal too back when Slinging Sammy and Doak Walker roamed the gridiron. No amount of Eric Winston tweets will make this turd interesting again until they stop playing their crappy ACC brand of football.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings

Top Five

1.  Taco - Taco's performance of "My Negenta" at Dr. Andre's whites only party was only slightly less stellar than when he rides his Vespa while flailing said negenta.
2. Shrimp and Grits at Zelko Bistro - Went to Zelko again last week. Fried pickles followed by shrimp and grits. If you haven't tried this place. Get there.
3. Bored to Death - The season 2 premier was OK at best. The second episode on the other hand had more laugh out loud moments that "East Bound & Down." If you didn't see the first season, don't worry, you can pick up right here and be fine.
4. Into the Wind -Very touching, well presented 30 for 30 documentary on Terry Fox. Honestly, I started feeling a little guilty for all the comedy mileage I used to get out of the Terry Fox imitation back in the neighborhood.
5. Pac10 football - I have no issues with saying Oregon is the second best team in the nation. I feel even stronger that the Pac10 is the best conference. Alabama is far and away the best team but from top to bottom the competition is better in the Pac10 than the SEC. Part of that has to do with.....

Bottom Five

1. Les Miles -  Really? I just have to assume Les stumbled across a very powerful Voodoo witch doctor his first season in Louisiana and is milking him for all he's worth. With the revival of Mickey Rourke's career, I smell an Angel Heart sequel in the works.
2. Charmin Mega Roll - I've been to a couple different stores and can't find my beloved Mega Roll. I can't possibly go back to using those tiny "Big" rolls again after years in Mega paradise.
3. OU tranny cheerleaders - Wow. Just in case you missed this brute, here "she" is for your viewing pleasure. BTW, if you are The University of Oklahoma, why do you call yourselves OU?
4. The Office - Just quit already.
5. Network television patience - Lone Star gets two episodes to build an audience. Really? Hell Cavemen got six. What is the point of putting a show on if you would consider pulling it after only two episodes? You obviously thought the pilot was good enough to build a series around. Not to mention the millions you spent on promotion. If you had something that much better to run in it's place, I think you would have had it on the schedule in the first place.

Can't Trust'em

There are things in this world you just can't trust. Some of them are common sense. Some you learn from personal experience and others still are well kept secrets. Now there's no substitute for life experience when it comes to recognizing trap doors but being the generous person I am, I feel it's my duty to give you a good base of 25 people, places and things that cannot be trusted.

Never Trust...

1. a red headed quarterback.
2. a left footed kicker.
3. a skinny chef (submitted by Heath Parker. Although anyone who's eaten Jaime Zelko's food will disagree.)
4. a white yard guy.
5. anyone who likes to sit in the last row of the movie theater.
6. a man with bedazzled jean pockets.
7. anyone that doesn't like dogs. They're trying to hide something.
8. anyone you play fantasy football with.
9. a Conference USA team to pull over a 4 team parlay for you.
10. the football knowledge of a Cowboys "fan".
11. the 45 year old guy all by himself at Dave & Busters.
12. your order is correct in lane B at Whataburger.
13. a car salesman that doesn't smoke.
14. a guy who doesn't have a favorite team.
15. cat guy.
16. anyone who votes straight ticket.
17. anyone that doesn't know the difference between a Texas and Tennessee accent. Most of Hollywood.
18. anyone on television.
19. anything a kid gives you.
20. anything a teenager tells you.
21. a front runner. Yeah, I'm sure the Lakers, Yankees and Cowboys were always your favorite teams.
22. the guy that can't work a grill.
23. anyone who hasn't held a blue collar job.
24. the guy who wants to go to the mall.
25. bloggers.

OK so who else should not be trusted?

Forget it, Donkey, it's Netflixtown

Private Investigator must have been the most bad ass job during the 30's, 40's and 50's. The guys were constantly nailing the jilted client or the dysfunctional target. They moved seamlessly amongst lawmen and the leaders of the underworld alike. They had the freedom to capitalize on play both sides against the middle and always found a way to get paid. Even in the 80's you had Thomas Magnum driving around in a Ferrari and slaying everything that moved in Hawaii. Before he was a movie star Bruce Willis as David Addison was able to charm his way into every random pair of panties that walked through the office doors while still working Maddie

So what happened over the past two decades? I have a friend who is a PI and from the stories he tells, the life isn't all that exciting. You apparently work crazy hours, spend your nights waiting for guilty couples to come out of hotel rooms and getting to break the news to women that their husband can't keep it in his pants. As far as I can tell, the jilted spouse never wants a revenge bang from the PI.


I can only assume PIs coast to coast spend those long hours in strip club parking lots dreaming about the good old days.

Chinatown - See -The latest installment of my 70's classics series was Chinatown. A beautiful film noir directed by Roman Polanski and starring Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway. The story twists and turns like a lonely road in the Hollywood Hills. Private investigator JJ Gettis (Nicholson) seemingly ends up working for everyone before the movie is over. Every time he thinks he knows what he's looking for or who's to blame the case takes a hard right turn. This is a great film.

The Runaways - Don't See - About 20 minutes into The Runaways I sent out a tweet stating I was watching it. A friend asked me what it was so I sent him a link with the description. His response "that looks like the worst movie ever." He wasn't far off. If you know anything about the band The Runaways, who's members included Joan Jett and Lita Ford, you know there is a great story behind the band's success. This movie failed to capture any of the compelling parts of their story. Pile on terrible performances by Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning and you have one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

Happiness - Don't See - I read the reviews and saw where the cast won numerous awards at Sundance and other film festivals but once I put the DVD in and started watching, it failed to deliver. I badly wanted to like this movie. You have Jane Adams when she still resembled someone attractive, opposed to Tanya on Hung and Phillip Seymour Hoffman jerking off while calling a random person in the phone book (Jane Adams). What more could you want? However, if I fall asleep twice in the first hour of your movie, then it probably isn't for me. I ended up turning it off after the second time I dozed off. Unfortunately, the last scene I saw was the pedophile character offering to teach his nine year old son how to masturbate. I wish I had turned it off five minutes earlier.

The Cool School - See - Good not great documentary about a group of modern artists in the LA area during the 50's and 60's. They were the artists who basically created the art scene in LA. If you don't have any interest in art itself then you probably won't care much for the movie. However, if art is a point of interest then it's very engaging. Interviews with the artists' friends, Dennis Hopper and Dean Stockwell, only add to the cool factor. 

The Thin Blue Line - See - This is a very good crime documentary by esteemed documentary film maker Errol Morris.  Morris uses his film to shoot holes in the Dallas Police's case against Randall Adams for the murder of a Dallas area police officer Robert Woods. Morris interviews several material witnesses from Adams trial along with individuals who disputed the credibility of the witnesses. As you watch the movie unfold, you find it hard to believe an investigation could be botched this badly. The graphics and style seem a bit dated now but those are the only issues I have with this movie.

Date Night - Don't See - Two very funny actors making one very unfunny movie. Steve Carell in a bad movie is no surprise. Since becoming famous on The Office, it should be obvious to everyone, he has given up on trying to make a decent movie. Maybe, after he leaves the show next year, he'll start to give a crap again about the type of project he lends his name to. I had much higher hopes for Tina Fey. I though Baby Mama was a decent movie and since she was head writer on SNL, she seemed to still care about the quality of her films. Either she really misjudged this script or the director butchered the writers vision. Regardless, the final result was a less than entertaining movie.

The Staircase - See - I challenge anyone to watch this documentary series originally aired on the Sundance Channel and not change your mind twelve times every episode on whether or not you think Michael Peterson is guilty. By the end I had a pretty good idea of his guilt but had I been on a jury I don't think I could convict beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's amazing the documentary crew was able to begin capturing the story within a couple of weeks of Kathleen Peterson's death. The director Jean-Xavier de Lestrade delivers a tremendous story with so many twists and plot points, you'll find it hard to believe it's all real.

Conspiracy - See - Conspiracy is a HBO movie from 2001. It stars not what I would call an All-Star cast but a cast made up of very good actors, including Kenneth Branaugh, Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci. It tells the story of the Wannsee Conference. This was a secret meeting of Nazi power brokers including Adolf Eichmann, to discuss the final solution to the Jewish question. Eichmann had strictly instructed everyone to destroy their copy of the conference minutes once they had read them. Fortunately, German politician Martin Luther failed to follow these instructions and the only known copy of the conference's minutes were uncovered and another window into Nazi scumbaggery was opened.

Eat A D*ck and Chocolate Bars

Every week someone or something pisses you off to the point of wanting to pound it to dust. At the very least you want to tell it to Eat A Dick. You need a place to vent. Hell, I need more than one place to vent. I need an entire planet to vent. Let this be your place. Feel free to leave a comment telling me all the people, places and things you want to Eat A Dick. You may even want to tell me to Eat A Dick. Good. I promise I deserve it.

Well, I can't think of a better time to do that than on a Monday. In Fact, let's get this started by telling Monday to Eat A Dick.

Monday can Eat A Dick.  It's Monday nuff said.

Brett Favre can Eat A Dick. I would like to blame myself for waiting until the later rounds to take a quarterback but I've seen you play. Yes, you do need training camp. You do need to run drills with your receivers. No losing Sidney Rice is not an excuse. Yes you are ruining my fantasy football team. No you aren't bigger than the game or the franchise. Yes your coach looks and acts like Mr. Noodle. No this does not give you an excuse for being a giant suck hole.

Lowes and any other store that already has Christmas crap out can Eat A Dick. Really? You do realize it's September. Can you at least wait until the temperature drops below 90 before you want me to buy a wreath for my door?

Gary Kubiak's vagina can Eat A Dick. I'm thrilled the Texans beat the Redskins but Kubiak has shown on more than one occasion a penchant for clinching the old sphincter in critical moments. More than once we've all seen him play it safe and Sunday was no different. I know a 52 yard field goal is no gimme but on the road you have to go for the win when it's there. The end result does not excuse you for not kicking it in the first place.

The Dallas Cowboys and all their fans can Eat A Dick. This is Dallas hate week. Now don't get me wrong, every week is Dallas hate week but this one has a special significance. The Cowpokes are coming to town and the Texans are going to stomp a mudhole in them.

I don't want this to be all negative though. Let's hand out some chocolate bars to those people and things that have filled our hearts with joy over the past week.

Andre Johnson. You can have as many chocolate bars as you want. You sir are a stud.

Gary Kubiak. You get a chocolate bar for your genius icing the kicker timeout. It saved your ass.

Rubicon. You and your entire staff get chocolate bars. This show is getting better with every episode. Kale is becoming a television favorite of mine to the point that I'm becoming a little gay for him. I sincerely hope all you dip shits who've yet to get up on this show, correct that problem soon. If this gets canceled because you're not watching, I'm gonna hate you for a very long time.

Iron & Wine. Chocolate bar to you for finally scheduling a show in Houston. Sam Beam and company will be making an appearance at Fitzgerald's in November.


That is all for this week. Now everyone go out and show a Cowboys fan just how much you hate them.

Back on the wagon

It was a bad, bad, bad week on the weight loss front. Two Fridays ago, I took the kid to school and on the way home decided I'd have a donut. It's just one donut. It won't hurt. I got two buttermilk glazed donuts and ate them in about 45 seconds. From there I fell completely off the wagon. By Monday, I was blowing guys in a Buc-ees bathroom for a Snickers bar. Tuesday, I passed out after scoring a giant chicken fried steak with cream gravy. The rest of the week is just a blur of cupcakes and Ben & Jerrry's ice cream.

Saturday afternoon I realized I needed to get back in the program. Tuesday morning I crawled back into the QWLC and was honest about my transgressions. Over the course of the week I had gained 4 pounds but felt much worse emotionally for my backslide.

They put me on a restart program to get me back to losing. I've lost 6 pounds since the restart so I'm actually lower than before I went on my binge.

Gotta stay focused. Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can't Lose.

Starting weight: 333
Current weight: 294
pounds lost: 39
weeks: 10

Texas vs. Rice

My wife and I got a chance to go to the Rice/UT game Saturday at Reliant Stadium thanks to a pair of swell grandparents and a friend who bought good tickets and scheduled a vacation on the same weekend. The outcome of the game was predictable but at an event like this the game itself is only part of the experience. Since this was the opening weekend of the college football season, I wanted to check out how the Longhorns transition from the spread offense they ran with VY and Colt McCoy to a pro style offense under Garrett Gilbert was going.  Of course and possibly most importantly, people watching is always on the agenda.

The Fans
I love the University of Texas. I hope one day my kids feel the same and graduate from UT. That's assuming they are still accepting WASPS then. My wife and I are football season ticket holders. Any games I can't attend in person I watch on television. However, there is a one certain element I could live without. Yeah, I'm talking about you penny loafer, popped collar, country club guy. I know, I know, you give lots of money to the university and maybe it's because if you they continue to build beautiful facilities but you're also the reason everyone hates UT. I'm sure the Aggies feel the same about their fans who drive maroon cars and have sex with animals. Just like the Sooners don't like to talk about their fans who live in trailers and cook meth.  You just learn to deal with it.

I started to feel sorry for the women at the game who were attractive but not smoking hot. There were so many smoking hot females along with so many complete train wrecks at the game, the women who fell in between just kind of got lost. Of course the first girl I saw in Rice gear had what can only be described as "leg acne." Rice shouldn't fret though, I did see three attractive Rice fans around the stadium. Still, even when you play a school like Rice that is no excuse for you, Mrs. Fiftysomething to wear a see through burn out t-shirt, inside out. Unless, you really believe it's The University of Texas SNROHGNOL. Shameful. 

The Experience
I was a Texans season ticket holder for the first four years of their existence. As a yellow lot resident, I had the previledge of walking from Main, past the practice fields, across Kirby then finally to the stadium each home game. There was a 32% chance of dying in the parking lot after a September game and taking a piss in a Reliant stadium Port-o-Johns is the ninth biggest killer in Houston. For this game, We decided to use the South Fannin park & ride and ride the rail to the stadium. This was the best decision we could have made. There was plenty of parking at the Metro lot and a short walk to the platform. We only had to wait a few minutes for the next train to arrive then the ride itself took just a couple of minutes. The walk from the Metro platform to the stadium is much shorter than from the yellow lot. Especially, if you want to go in at the North gate. When we left, we once again only had to wait a few minutes for the next train to arrive and we were able to quickly exit the Metro parking lot without having to deal with any of the stadium traffic. I encourage you all to continue using the stadium parking lots and keep the ease of the Metro lots a secret between just us.

In the eight years it's been open, I've sat all over the stadium. We had 6th row field level seats on the 20 yard line for this game. These seats are great for getting to see all the action on the sideline and for getting a sense of how fast the game really is. They were also great if you wanted to know when Bevo took a dump. About 45 seconds after said dump the wonderful cow patty aroma would engulf you. Overall, I still prefer the club level. You can see plays develop better from the club level than the field seats but because the seating at Reliant is very vertical, you're still close to the action.

It's obvious to me and it should be to Bob McNair, the reason the Texans haven't made the playoffs yet is that they serve Breyer's instead of Blue Bell ice cream at Reliant Stadium. Come on Texans. I mean you're called The Texans for God's sake. Get with the program and serve the best ice cream in all the land. 

The Team
The defense had a rough first drive especially the secondary but they settled down in the second quarter and pretty much dominated the rest of the game. That doesn't count a 47 yard brain fart with 16 seconds left in the half. I've got a huge man crush on this year's defensive line. Kheeston Randall and Sam Acho had their names called all night and even freshman Jackson Jeffcoat got into the act.

The Offense was a different story. I still don't really understand why Mack Brown feels like they need to change the offense to a more pro style system when they've had so much success running the spread option the past 5-6 years. The running game has a long way to go to even be average. Starter Cody Johnson struggled to get anything going and was completely stoned in goal line situations. Tre Newton wasn't much better but ended up scoring three goal line touchdowns. Fozzy Whitaker showed the most explosiveness but was limited to 9 carries. Maybe we've just been spoiled by Colt McCoy's crazy accuracy but Gilbert was unimpressive at best He short armed several passes and missed on a couple deep opportunities. He definitely has the arm and I was very impressed with his ability to throw while on the run but I never got the feeling he was the leader on the field.  I'm willing to be patient and give him time to develop into that leadership role but this team needs to improve in several areas before the OU, Nebraska back to backs.

Quick Hitters

I'm gonna fire out a few thoughts I've had this week. They're pretty football centric but I've got a little something for everyone.

Holy Shit! that fish talks

- My daughter was watching the Style network the other day and I was absolutely floored when I saw not only had they taught this fish to talk but it could also host its own show.

- I barely care about preseason football. They haven't invented instruments to measure the level of care I have for the last preseason game. Let's just say it's hanging out with preseason basketball and someone else's ingrown toenail.

- I just read a story on Jennifer Grey finding cancerous lump because of her DWTS physical check up. The most shocking part of the story was finding out the she is 50 years old. Holy Shit! How old am I?

- The college football season started tonight. God we live in a great country.

- Further proof that I'm morphing into a girl, I actually debated with myself whether or not to turn on Project Runway during the Pitt/Utah game.  I will now go remove my tampon.


- Shouldn't Bristol Palin be going to college or something? Isn't that what young republicans are supposed to do? Go to college, drink a ton, do lots of cocaine and manipulate their classmates into do their homework.









- I'm trying to not gamble on football this season. It's not a moral decision or a financial one. Just an experiment to test my level of enjoyment I get from football alone.




- I love Jenn Brown.

- I hate Dr. Lou.

- I've had 5 fantasy football drafts so far and somehow I've only overlapped 3 players.

- If you love football then do yourself a favor and send an email to sidelineview@gmail.com. Lance Zierlein and John Harris put out one of the best football (pro and college) newsletters around. There's a nominal fee for the year but it's worth it. They're sending out a free 230 page College and NFL Preview magazine.

- My national champion pick this year: Texas. Of course, the Longhorns have been my pick to win it all 30 years running.

- Eff You Top Chef. Tiffany has been the most consistent contestant this season and she gets the boot the episode before Singapore. FU.

- Busy fall concert season coming up. I had to decide which shows I want to get out to see. Looks like I've got it down to 4. Drive by Truckers in Sept, Chris Isaak in Oct, Bob Schneider in Nov, Social Distortion in Nov. I wanted to add the Old 97's in Oct but I've seen them a ton of times and just couldn't fit them in. If you've never seen them though you should definitely check them out.

Weightloss Wednesday - 9/1

Ok, I haven't written about my weight loss in a couple weeks but if you follow me on twitter, and you should (@fidoz), you already know that I'm under 300lbs. I've used the last 2 weeks to consider what exactly that means.

Well, what that means depends on who you are.

• To my cardiologist, whom I saw the other day, it means that I'm finally taking their advice and getting the weight off. 
• To my home, it means I've got more energy and have been keeping a much better house. Minus the destruction brought on by a nutty six year old.
• To my yard, it means I just bought a lawn mower and will begin mowing my yard myself for the first time in about 15 years. As a side note, if you see a story about a fat Cypress man dying in his front yard, that's me.
• To my kids, it means I'm a better playmate. 
• To my wife, well it means all of the above plus I can better take the pressures of day to day home life off of her. She's been working long days every day lately and I want to do anything I can to make life easier on her. 
• To me, it just means I've reached one milestone in a series of milestones to come. 
• To you, it means bad news. Once I reach my goal of 200 lbs, I'm going to take a bunch of pictures of me in my undies and spam them out everywhere. You won't be able to hide from my sexiness. You'll open an email from work and there I'll be, You'll see a retweet and there I'll be. You'll open up facebook and there I'll be in all my sexy glory.  Get Ready.

Starting weight: 333
Current weight: 296
pounds lost: 37
weeks: 8

Free Netflix Reviews

When You're Strange - See - I'm not the biggest Doors fan but I am a sucker for a rockumentary. I liked the style in which this was done. It uses all old footage, no interviews (old or new), just Johnny Depp narrating the story of Jim Morrison and The Doors. Maybe it's his involvement with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but there's something about Depp's voice that is perfect for the late 60's early 70's sex, drugs and rock and roll.






Hell on Wheels - See - I think it's time to face facts. I have a roller derby problem. I'll watch just about anything that involves tattoos and women on skates. This documentary chronicles the beginnings of the roller derby revival in Austin. This fledgling league would eventually become the TXRD which is the league featured in A&E's series Roller Girls. I found it interesting to see where this all started and the power struggle that ensued. I was equally glad to see some of the girls from Roller Girls when they were a bit younger and not necessarily playing "characters" on a tv show.




Rolling Stones: Stones in Exile - See - This was the documentary that was made for the release of the remastered Exile on Main Street CD. I've always held the opinion that it was no coincidence the Rolling Stones made their best album after the break up of The Beatles. Throughout the 60's The Stones always seemed to be following in the wake of their big brothers The Beatles. Changing music styles one step behind them. Then when they were the biggest band left standing, they went out and made the album that best expressed the aesthetic they had been culturing throughout the 60's. I think the most amazing thing about Exile is The Stones made their most American album while living as English tax exiles in the south of France. Who said nothing good ever came out of France?


Shane McGowan: If I Should Fall from Grace - See - There's a really interesting internal tug of war that happens to you as you watch this movie. The instant you hear the Pogues music start you have an overwhelming desire to break out the Irish whiskey and drink until you pass out. Then you see the state Shane McGowan is in and you never want to touch alcohol again. Here's a fun game I played while watching. Count how many words McGowan says that you can actually understand then compare that to the number of teeth he still has. It's closer than you think.


Shine - See - I'm a little embarrassed that it took me 14 years to see Shine. I really don't have any excuse. It's a movie I always wanted to see but for what ever reason it continued to fall through the cracks. Thankfully, we now have Netflix. I'm glad I finally got see it. It's a pretty amazing and inspiring story about a piano prodigy that has a mental break down. Though I loved the movie overall, I was pretty disappointed with the way the movie kind of limps to its climax and then just ends. The performances of Noah Taylor and Geoffrey Rush are worth the price of admission by themselves.




On the Waterfront - See -  This is young Brando at his absolute best. One of the things I love about Netflix instant watch is the ability to go back and watch some of the best movies ever made. On the Waterfront is definitely on that list. Brando and Karl Malden both deliver beautiful performances. This is a movie for anyone that loves great acting or wants to stick it to their boss.


Youth in Revolt - See - Before you even push play you can pretty much guess how this is going to go. Let's face it.  It stars Michael Cera which means it will be about a socially uncomfortable teenager who really likes a girl and his struggle to get said girl. Does that cover it? Yeah, no one's breaking new ground here but there are enough laughs to make this a See. Plus, Zach Galifianakis, enough said.






Marathon Man - See - This week's 70's classic is another good one. Spies, check. Nazis, check. Dustin Hoffman, check. Torture with a dental tools, check. Yep, sounds like a great 70's movie.

Roller Girls: Season 1 - See - I finally finished season 1 of Roller Girls. Unfortunately, there wasn't ever a season 2. I enjoyed this series quite a bit. Tattooed chicks on skates getting drunk and beating the crap out of each other. What's not to like? I've really got to make it out to a Houston Roller Derby bout one of these days.




Clash of the Titans - See - I was pleasantly surprised here. I went in to this expecting to hate every minute. I didn't and actually enjoyed quite a bit of it. The movie is far from great and fails to leave a lasting impression but as a way to spend ninety minutes, it wasn't bad. If given the choice I'd always pick over the remake but that is probably true of most people that see a movie as a kid then it's remake as an adult. Long live Burgess Meredith! What?....Oh never mind.