Television at the All Star Break

All Stars

Terriers - Terriers is an example of why I love and hate television. It was my favorite show of the 2010 fall season. Excellently cast, written and directed. Donal Logue brought the right balance of dry sarcasm and recovering burn out to the role of Hank Dolworth. Even though I couldn't stand Michael Raymond-James during his run as Rene on True Blood, I thought he was excellent as Hank's partner Britt on Terriers. The writers did a great job creating an updated version of Chinatown without obviously ripping off the Jack Nicholson classic.  Of course, since this was my favorite show of the season FX saw fit to cancel it a week after the season finale. Thanks.

The League & It's always sunny in Philadelphia - Both of these shows started the season slowly with lackluster premieres. Sunny continued a slow run as it wound down the Dennis get married arc but by mid season the shows were producing the funniest hour on television. Taco and Rafi were the the break out stars of the season going away. Taco treated us to modern classics like My Naginata, I'm inside of me and Ghost Monkey. The League added the fear boner, the murder boner and white knuckler to our lexicon this year.  Sunny focused outside the bar this season as we got to see the gang buy a boat, Charlie become a school janitor and Sweet Dee teach a high school Drama class. Mr. Shue could learn a thing or two from her. The highlight of Sunny's season was the premier of the gangs version of Lethal Weapon 5 if you haven't seen it, you need to fix that. Mac's turn as Sgt. Murtaugh is worth the price of admission.


Community - The writers finally figured out what to do with Britta and the show was all the better for it. I could have done without the Betty White cameo but Professor Chang's continued mission of becoming a part of the study group has delivered terrific comedic moments. If there is one thing Community does better than any other show, it's a theme episode. Starting with last season's Modern Warfare episode Community has produced a handful of well crafted clever theme episodes spoofing zombie movies, conspiracy theories and animated Christmas specials.

OK Maybe I have a thing for Lexie

Grey's Anatomy - Yeah, I'm shocked too but this has been the best Grey's season in years. Seems as though the loose gunman in last season's finale opened a wealth of potential character story lines. Dr. Webber is back in his rightful position of Chief. The story lines based around the love lives of the doctors is far less soap opera like since writing off both Izzy and George. The show has been able to get back to the core cast of doctors struggling with the decisions of a demanding career.

30 for 30 - I didn't watch all the 30 for 30 episodes just the ones who's subject interested me. In no particular order my favorite episodes were Run Ricky Run, Pony Excess, Who Killed the USFL?, The U, The Two Escobars, Into the Wind and The Best That Never Was.

Good but not Great

Sons of Anarchy - The season was very uneven and even silly at times. The whole Belfast saga bordered on ridiculous but a great season finale made up of a lot of the disappointments and set things up nicely for next season.


Walking Dead - WD had a great season premier but it's shortened six episode season failed to deliver. The show focused on too many characters we don't care about and really let everyone down with a dud of a finale. Hopefully, a longer run and nearly a year to develop will produce a better season next year.

Modern Family - Season 2 has been a small step back for Modern Family. More Phil and Cameron and less Haley and Alex will go a long way to fixing that.

Todd Margaret- Running Wilde was supposed to be 2010's hit sitcom starring Will Arnett and David Cross but that show has already been canceled. However, over on IFC there is a much better comedy starring David Cross and Will Arnett called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Since it's on IFC and not under the constraints of network television, David Cross is free to let go and do David Cross things.

30 Rock - Another good but not spectacular season from 30 Rock. Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan have basically carried this show for a while now. They need to return to featuring the writers like Judah Friedlander more and less Kenneth. I have to wonder what effect Tracy Morgan's kidney transplant will have on the show but if that means more Jenna then 30 Rock could quickly slide off the DVR roster. This season's Reaganing is one of my all time favorites.

Rubicon - Rubicon's season was the complete opposite of Sons of Anarchy. Rubicon had a great season exposing a little bit more of the mystery and conspiracy with every episode. The story evolved at a measured pace but fans of the show expected this. Then they crapped the bed with a hurried, disorganized finale. Ultimately, the bad finale didn't matter since AMC canceled the show after just one season. I would like the creators get another shot to entertain us though.

Mad Men - Weird season for Don Draper and we all know Mad Men goes as Don Draper goes. I think this will turn out to be just transition season as we saw Peggy and Pete step into more important roles with the firm. The most intriguing item from this past season was Sterling's Gold.

Boardwalk Empire -  I think I'm more excited for next season than I was happy with this first season. Michael Pitt delivered gold as Jimmy and Stephen Graham was magnificent as Al Capone. Eli, Jimmy and the Commodore plotting Nucky's downfall has me excited about next season but I think I'd be much more excited to learn of a spin off based on Al Capone and the Chicago crew. Make it happen. BTW I think I finally figured out what it is about Lucy that has always bothered me.

Top Chef- The fact that I had to look up who won this last season should tell you all you need to know about last season. Angelo, Tiffany and Ed provided some nice moments but DC was a failure as a location and Eric Rippert was a dud as a regular judge. The All Stars season has already been better than last season even though I haven't agreed with the judges more often than not.

Down Season

Dexter - Oh how you let me down this season Dex. You took up with a terribly uninteresting woman in Lumen. You and Quinn have struck a very strange truce and for whatever reason you let the most heinous killer on the show, Batista and LaGuerta's relationship continue to ruin our lives. The writers turned the most interesting story line, the

Weeds - I have no idea why I haven't cut this show yet. Andy, Doug and Silas are basically the only reasons I keep coming back. Nancy got to whore it up with Zack Morris for a couple of episodes and the traveling evangelical pot show was fun while it lasted but this show has the focus of a High Times staff meeting.

Survivor - Once they voted off Jimmy Johnson and the guy who looked like Moose Johnston the season was exceptionally boring. The positive was I able to watch entire episodes in less than 20 minutes. More conniving, back stabbing players always makes for a more interesting season. Let's try to get it right next time.

Big Bang Theory - The joke has worn thin. We get it. Smart guys living across the hall from hot girl. Sheldon is difficult to live with. Leonard is romantically tortured and they're all big dorks. The addition of Blossom as the female version of Sheldon hasn't added much to the equation. It may be time to wrap this one up.

The Office - I guess we shouldn't call it a down season once it becomes a trend. The Office has been slipping for years and so far this season if appears Michael Scott is going to go out with a whimper. The first half of the season has produced three good episodes. I think most hardcore Office fans wish the producers had decided to end the shows run at the end this season with the departure of Michael. At least we did get to vicariously exercise some of our anger towards Jim's character through Dwight's snowball demolishing of his manhood.

East Bound & Down - The season in Mexico failed on many levels. Mostly it failed by trying to tell the same joke over and over. Don Johnson's stint at Kenny's dad was unnecessary and not particularly funny. They took way to long to get the highlight of the season, Stevie down to Mexico. I'm interested to see if there's anywhere they can take Kenny that will keep us entertained with new comedic situations.

Project Runway - Generally boring cast + unexplained bad judging = bad season.



Cut from the DVR roster

The Big C - This show proved that it takes more than Oliver Platt to keep me interested in a show. Laura Linney was able to create the most unlikeable cancer patient in the history of television. Even Kevin Garnett would agree with me on that.

Glee - Wow. You guys were able to take a fun, interesting show and turn it into a terrible weekly hatefest in record time. Last season, the Glee kids were worth rooting for as the school underdogs. This season I wanted to see them all drown in a giant Slurpee. Want a lesson on doing theme shows? See Community.

No Ordinary Family - Never really got off the ground for me. I hated the kids and wanted more Conrad and Vick Mackey from Romany Malco and Michael Chiklis. I'm not sure crime fighting super heroes can successfully work as a family show. Super heroes inherently require dark sides to balance their powers.

S#*! My Dad Says - The opening credits rolled and the show immediately went from 0 to terrible. I lasted one episode and just barely. A sitcom without a single funny moment might not work.

How I Met Your Mother - Much like Big Bang Theory, HIMYM seems to have run it's course. Get to the part where you meet their mother already. We get it. You have a womanizing friend who wears suits and is played by Doogie Howser. You're friends with a kookie married couple and a struggling news anchor and you really like architecture. Now how did you meet these never aging super patient kid's mother?

More Lenore please

The United States of Tara - Maybe I just hate female lead characters or maybe Tara's multiple personalities wore on me almost as much as her ultra liberal hip family. Do television writers have kids? Based on the kids in these shows I would say no, terrible, terrible characters.

Nurse Jackie -I've been re-watching The Sopranos lately and I find that I have to fast forward through all Melfi and most Carmella scenes because I can't stand Edie Falco's voice and face. A hatred for some one's voice and face make it very difficult to enjoy a show centered on that person.

Hung - It's gonna take a lot more full frontal scenes of Lenore and far fewer scenes of Tanya and Ray's kids to get me to watch again.

Winter's ApeDonkey: Netflix reviews - 12/28/10

 I have to be honest it took me a lot longer to write this post than usual. Could be the general malaise of the Christmas holidays or it could be that outside of the documentaries there really wasn't a great movie in the bunch. Even the best of them Winter's Bone had a couple great performances but was just a good movie. All the documentaries I've recommended below are good to great and should be seen by anyone who loves to watch docs. So if you're making your list of what to see based on my recomendations and I know you are, start with the docs, move to Winter's Bone then see if you have time to see the rest. If not, you'll be ok.

The Kids are All Right - See it - I hate Mark Ruffalo's face. I don't know what it is about the guy but I can't stand him. Somehow, I was able to get past my anti Ruffalo feelings and enjoy this movie. Annette Bening and Julianne Moore both give good performances. There's nothing truly great about this film but the central plot is interesting enough along with the performances of Moore & Bening make it worth watching.






Winnebago Man - See it - Jack Rebney embodies all that is good in this world. He's angry. He doesn't give a shit and he's got something to say. After watching the Jack Rebney Winnebago outtakes Ben Steinbauer was moved to track down Rebney to find out who this "Angriest Man on Earth" really is. What he finds is a guy who is out of touch with the world and how creations like youtube have turned him into a revered celebrity in some circles.





Exit Through the Gift Shop - See it - I probably switched whether or not I thought Mr. Brain Wash was real probably 20 times over the course of the movie. The fact that the movie was directed by Banksy leads me to believe that it is more of a commentary on the world of art and the artificial art market created through media buzz. Whether it's a real documentary or an elaborate hoax, it's very well done.






The Living Wake - Skip it -Netflix described this movie as an absurdist black comedy. I think a better description is "a steaming pile of shit." I hated every second of it. I added it to my queue because I like Jesse Eisenberg. You let me down Jesse. You really did.








Dealing Dogs - See it - This is a pretty good doc exposing the black market dealings of some very large kennels who are selling dogs for research purposes. The way the dogs are cared for and treated is dispicable and the fact that these kennel owners have created a market where stealing peoples pets at selling them for as little as $15 is worth it makes their existence that much worse.




Winter's Bone - See it - My assessment is great performances by Jennifer Lawrence and John Hawkes, good movie. I know @bcstagg disagrees with this but then again he's probably never gotten lost while taking a short cut in Arkansas and ended up on the Dolly clan's mountain. I'm more than certain, if I had actually gotten out of my car, I would have ended buried up some holler with hillbilly hump holes drilled in me. Anyway, the movie is worth it for the performances alone.





The Trotsky - See it - I'm a Jay Baruchel fan from his days on Undeclared. He's carved out a niche as a complimentary character actor in movies like Knocked Up and Million Dollar Baby. So it's nice to see him in the lead role of good movie. I was not much of a She's Out of My League fan. Baruchel delivers as Leon a seventeen year old high school student who believes he's the reincarnation of Leon Trotsky. When his wealthy father tries to teach Leon a lesson by making him attend public school, Leon finds a worthy adversary in the dictatorial school principal.




Shadow Company - See it -Interesting doc about how wartime jobs once performed by the military are being farmed out to private armies, security forces and mercenaries. There's a lot of insight provided by actual working "mercenaries" on how they go about choosing jobs, the issues that arise and the moral delimas that go along with their line of work. The doc also does a nice job presenting the history of soldiers for hire and their place in today's world.



Dancing Outlaw - See it - If I told you there was a documentary about a huffing, mountain dancer who will punch a hole in your face if you cook his eggs wrong, is that something you might be interested in?  Yeah I thought so. Jesco White became a legend after this 1991 documentary profile. He and his family are absolute gold in front of the camera. Netflix only carries the sequel so you'll have to do a little work to get the movie but it's well worth it. I was lucky enough to get to see it courtesy of @SeanINCypress and docdaddies.com.

1560 The Change

About a week ago the news came down regarding lineup changes at 1560. John & Lance 6-10a, Raheel & John Harris 10-12p, Sean Pendergast 12-3p and Travis Rodgers 3-6p with Sean and Travis' shows being national Sporting News Radio broadcasts. My first reaction was to run to my computer blog away. I decided though to give myself some time to really think about the changes and fully form my opinions instead of spewing a knee jerk reaction.

The fact that I spent a week thinking about this should tell you how big a fan of the station I am. I've been a gamer from the start through and through. When the changes were announced I had just finished blog posts on both the Sean & John Show and Travis Rodgers Now but had yet to post them. They were rendered moot so I had to now think about where my favorite station was going instead of where it had been. I wanted to break my assessment down into three parts the local shows, the national shows and where the station stands now and it's relationship with listeners.

The Local Shows
It's strange to see a station built around it's local appeal go from four to two local shows. Thankfully, one of the remaining local shows is John & Lance in the morning. I wrote a recent blog post with my opinions on the show and aside from a greater appreciation for Del's input, those opinions haven't change. I expect J&L to continue delivering the best morning product in the market and the callers to deliver the best animal noises in Houston.

I'm a little concerned about the new 10-12pm show with Raheel and John Harris. I'm afraid they are pairing a guy with a narrow appeal with someone who has limited entertainment value. What I mean is that Raheel is a bit of an acquired taste. Kind of like a fried spam sandwich with mustard. To the right person it's delicious and a lunch staple but most people never give it a chance even though they might love it. Johnny, on the other hand, can break down football like no one else on the airwaves. He's able to translate complex football terminology into something consumable to the masses. He's also able to speak intelligently on baseball and basketball. Where John falls a bit short is the entertainment side of a show. He works better as the straight man of a broadcast team. This is what made his pairing with Sean Pendergast perfect. Both of these guys have been at this for a few years now, so I hope they are able to craft a show that appeals to the midday consumer. In all honesty though, they could hire an intern to play with an iPhone fart machine for three hours and it would be better than the Brando garbage being broadcast now.

The new Raheel & John Harris show is walking into a good situation though. The Texans season died just as the Rockets started playing better ball. Raheel's strength is his basketball knowledge which lines up nicely with a January premier. Combine that with John's ability to break down the major bowl games, a likely Texans coaching change, high draft pick and Rockets trade deadline chatter and they could come out of the gate like a fireball. Though I'm not a big fan of caller driven shows, John and Raheel's strengths as broadcasters almost dictates a successful show would have a high caller volume. With a strong lead in from John & Lance they should have a great opportunity to build a winner. The competition down the dial is strong in listener ship but weak on content. The Jim Rome Show has been terrible for years now and I still don't know why the hell the Mighty Gwinn is yelling at us all the time.

I do wish 1560 could find a place for Danny Vara. Unless he's not interested in getting back in to broadcasting outside of South Bound Food, it's an indictment on local radio management that he is a man without a regular hosting job. Danny's a guy that has a great combination of broad listener appeal and good entertainment value. Maybe all these changes will lead to something for him down the road.

I'm a big believer is supporting your local businesses and I see local shows as no different. I'll give these guys every opportunity to win me over and as long as I believe in the product they're putting out, I'll continue to promote them in forums like this.

The National Shows
I couldn't be happier that both Sean Pendergast and Travis Rodgers are getting a chance to bring their shows to a national audience. Both hosts are extremely talented and offer unique perspectives. From the outset of Travis Rodgers Now on 1560, I felt like his show was being honed for national release. I had hopped it would be in the 10-1pm slot but 3-6 is good too. Travis' experience is in producing a wildly successful national show (Jim Rome Show) for over a decade. If you ever wondered who the real talent was on that show, flip it over there one day. It won't take you long to figure out it wasn't the guys still there. It took me about three shows on 1560 to figure out TRN was cannot miss radio. Travis is very good at exposing the twisted reality of the sports world with his dark sense of humor. He has quickly connected with listeners and has successfully integrated those listeners into the show through twitter. I have no doubt Travis will be a home run for SNR.

I've been a big fan of the Sean and John show from day one. They had their marching orders to not suck too much and delivered consistently. I was surprised when the S&J team was broken up but I know Sean has been doing a lot of fill in work on SNR recently. So maybe I shouldn't be that surprised. I can't say I have a strong opinion one way or another on Sean's solo show hosting ability. I always preferred the S&J show when both hosts were present and would usually listen to music when one was out.

What does concern me though is that even though both guys are coming from 1560, we as Houston listeners will be losing six hours of local programming. The old Houston listeners have to change their expectations of what Sean and Travis' shows are going to be. They will now have an audience that doesn't care about the Texans' woes or our frustrations with Gary Kubiak. They'll care about the Buckeyes, the Lakers, the Red Sox and all those other teams we may give a rat's ass about. I like the idea of having a national show to break up all the ridiculous calls from arm chair GMs trying to trade Yao Ming's contract for Carmelo but a six hour block of Yankees/Heat talk? I'm not sure I'm up for that. I need my Gary Kubiak bashing.

The State of the Station
As I took a week to think about the changes at 1560 and my opinions continued to form the one thing that didn't change was my disappointment with what I perceived as a shift away from a local sports focus. When Sporting News Radio moved its operations to Houston and 1560 became its flagship, a lot of listeners, myself included went "uh oh" and waited for the other shoe to drop. I think the sound we heard last week was the sound of leather hitting the floor.

I've been a gamer from the beginning. I bought in fully to the little guy taking on the radio giants and I supported the station the best way I could, through word of mouth promotion and by supporting their sponsors. My wife knew whenever we needed something a KGOW sponsor would be my first choice. Whether it was Dirt Free, Indoor Comfort, Wild Wing Cafe or Klein's, I felt it was my duty to repay the station for the hours of entertainment they had provided me by using the advertisers that kept them on the air.

You see I bought in to the 1560 spirit because I'm a small business owner and I'd bet KGOW has a greater percentage of small business listeners than any other Houston sports radio station. As a small business owner/Entrepreneur you're invigorated by the opportunity to stick it to the man. You pull for one another to beat the world of corporations and live by your own rules. But, starting with their marriage to SNR, the us against the man rhetoric from 1560 became increasingly difficult to believe. Now, with the recent lineup changes 75% of it's broadcast day will be national shows. I feel like this is  a 180 degree philosophical change for a station built on a local and extremely loyal fan base.

I realize this is a business and the 1560 management has to do what they feel is best for the company but on the other hand I want "my" radio station too. For more than three years now, those two forces have not only coexisted but flourished together. Now, I worry we are at a crossroads heading in different directions. Maybe we aren't. Maybe I'm being led down a path I never realized I wanted to travel. Maybe I'm just a fan whose favorite indie band just signed with a major label that is going to take them to new heights. The harsh reality though is that the indie band, major label marriage rarely works out and the promise of new bigger heights is almost never delivered.

Spreading Christmas Cheer ApeDonkey Style

I want to do my part and put everyone in the Christmas spirit before that cookie stealing fat fucker shows up tomorrow. Here's a few nuggets I've been thinking about today.

• Is there a law I'm unaware of which requires you to dress your son in a sweater vest in order to have his picture made? I swear every Christmas card I've received this year with a boy aged 2-10 years old had him all spiffed up in a sweater vest. I blame this on Friends and every woman's secret desire to be with Chandler Bing. There's no other explanation.
• If I put a tee pee up in my yard during the months of April and May, the home owners association would crawl up my ass and start laying eggs. Yet, it's perfectly acceptable for my neighbor to have a giant artificial Christmas tree and a 12 foot Santa Claus taking up residence in his yard for 2 months a year.
• Bad Santa is the finest Christmas movie ever made. Period.
• I believe Santa was created so that parents wouldn't have to take the heat when their kids didn't like their gifts. 
• Santa praying over the baby Jesus is still the creepiest yard ornament I've ever seen. And it was in my mom's yard. 
• I've never seen Miracle on 34th Street and at this age I don't see the point.
• Lowes is the most pleasant place on Earth on Christmas Eve.
• My wife got her Christmas freak out out of the way early today, so at least I don't have to worry about that now.
• Any parking lot is the worst place to be during the Christmas Season.
• My one year old hates Santa's face.
• Wholesale baking should not be relegated to Christmas. I'm fat and I love cookies.

Merry Christmas. Be back Monday.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/20/10

Top 5

1. Juliann Faucette - I was fortunate enough to catch the UT women's final four volleyball match vs. Penn St. this weekend. These two teams met in the finals last year in one the best match ups I've ever seen in any sport. Penn St needed a furious comeback to thwart the Lady Horns championship dreams. Once again Penn St. upended the Horns, eliminating them from the tournament. However, the Lady Horns pitched a shutout in the looks department led by their ace Juliann Faucette. Beyond being the best looking player on the court, she was also their best player.  Did I tweet that I'd have her babies during the game? And did I mean it? Yes and Yes. Juliann (yes we're on a first name basis following this weekend) was extra special hot on the court. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her on the beach volleyball circuit soon and perhaps in the 2010 Olympics.

2. Mike Vick - That guy may have killed a bunch of dogs but man can he play football. He put the Giants on the rape stand and choked those bitches out yesterday. Or did they do that to themselves? Either way the Eagles pulled another one out of their asses and Vick had a couple spectacular runs in the fourth quarter.  However, neither of the Vick runs were as remarkable and improbable as DeSean Jackson's punt return for a touchdown on the game's final play. If I were Matt Dodge, I would have gone to the Eagles locker room to avoid facing Tom Coughlin. This is a guy who fines you for being late to a meeting if you're not there 5 minutes early. What do you think he does to guys who kick the ball to the games most dangerous return man, when he has specifically told you to kick it out of bounds. I guess is Matt Dodge will soon find himself a lying next to Jimmy Hoffa on the old Meadowlands site.

Wow. That really happened

3. Rockets Fans - I initially put this in the bottom 5 when the news of Yao Ming's stress fracture was announced. Then I realized this was actually a good thing for the Rockets and their fans. The Rockets can finally leave the Yao/McGrady era behind them and build for the future. Morey has been kind of hamstrung because of having to build a team around "stars" he couldn't count on being on the court. As Rockets fans we may need to come to terms with the the fact that this season isn't going to be successful but I still believe in Daryl Morey's ability to build a team and like every other sport it's better to be really bad or really good than it is to be average or just below average. Being really bad gives you a chance to improve through the draft. Of course this year's draft class may be the weakest in decades. The Rockets will probably be major players on the trade front as well, although maybe not a much as they would like to be with impending labor trouble on the horizon. If the team is willing to admit the days of waiting for Yao to comeback are over then I'm willing to be patient while they put together something new.

4. IFC - IFC is quickly becoming one of my favorite channels. This past summer they began running the entire Freaks & Geeks series on Friday nights. They followed that up with Judd Apatow's other series, Undeclared. Their original series starring David Cross and Will Arnett, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret was outstanding. Oh did I happen to mention they also show reruns of Mr. Show and Arrested Development. Now in preparation for carrying reruns of The Larry Sanders Show in the spring they are having a Larry Sanders marathon all day January 1. Lucky for us the idiots that run college football have made sure there is nothing else compelling on that day so we can all sit back and enjoy some Larry, Artie and Hank Kingsley. Hey Now.

5. Me - I had a great birthday on Sunday. My gift from my daughter was a promise not to whine all day and unbelievably she actually delivered. My talented wife redesigned this blog and created a logo for me. I had the best pancakes in Houston at Harris County Smokehouse. Beyond going to eat I'm not sure I moved 20 steps from my recliner all day. The Texans gave me the gift of comedy. Twitter gave me the gift of a forum to make fun of those Texans. I now am 365 days away from my 40's. That's a scary number for some folks but as an unemployed father of two, it doesn't bother me at all. Regardless, turning 40 has to be better than when I turned 30 and someone thought what I really needed was to go to a Creed concert. Even though I had made it explicitly clear that Creed sucked and deserved to have their tour bus driven off a mountain side. This "friend" said I just needed to see them live to get a proper appreciation for them. They bought me a ticket and they were right. Creed sucked even more live than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for that.

Bottom 5

1. Texans Fans -Did it look like the team quit yesterday? Yeah I think so too. As bad as the team looks though, the scarier thing is that Bob McNair thinks they are on the right track. At least, that's what he's saying publicly. Maybe yesterday's performance changed his view but I doubt it. McNair has always seemed like a guy that was pushed into buying an NFL franchise. He was the richest guy in the best market to add a new NFL team and that's a good business decision. He's never struck me as either an NFL fan nor a super competitive person. He obviously allows his personal feelings to affect his decisions with the Texans. If he didn't, David Carr's option would not have been picked up when it was evident to everyone, he wasn't a starting NFL caliber quarterback. I hope, no pray that his son or someone gets in his ear and convinces him to blow this regime out. He desperately needs to bring in a veteran NFL personnel guy who has had success to completely revamp this organization. Yeah, I know I'm not telling you anything the 4 million other people in the area don't already know. Unfortunately, the only person who doesn't seem to know what needs to be done happens to be the only person who counts.

2. - Uncircumsised Houston Texans Players - I don't know if you've heard but The Tebow is starting for the Texans next opponent, the Denver Broncos and he hates foreskin. Among the many miracles The Tebow has performed, circumcising underpriviledged kids is one he likes to get his hands dirty and do manually. But there is hope. There is a group called Intact America or Sat(b)an's Army as Tebowists refer to them, that are putting up billboards and trying to unite the rest of the world against this ghastly tradition of cutting the foreskin from the penises of baby boys. There's a war coming and we'll all have to pick a side. Will you be on the side of The Tebow or will you choose the foreskin?

3. Fantasy Football - Let me start with this, Fuck You Ray Rice. You sucked all year long. You were by far the biggest bust on any of my 7 fantasy football teams. Then after 13 weeks of being a giant turd you have a game like that, 233 yards and 2 Tds. I could even handle you have a good game except because you were such a lousy pick I missed the playoffs in my main league then you explode this week to knock me out of the playoffs in another league. If you want to know how I really feel about you see Ruxin v. Gates on The League. And yes I did wish mouth cancer on you yesterday.




4. UCLA Dynasty - In case you hadn't heard, the UConn womens basketball team equaled the UCLA 88 game win streak. Except, they didn't. There is no way to intelligently compare the UCLA streak and the UConn streak. Yes, they are both winning streaks involving games played with a hoop, a ball and involving humans. And that is where the similarities stop. I'm not saying the UConn streak isn't impressive because it is. If you win 88 games in a row at anything it's impressive but just because you win three Super Bowls on Madden '11 doesn't mean you can start comparing yourself to Bill Belichick. Hell, Edwin Moses won 122 races in a row. I guess ESPN will have to get stable of goons ready to compare a women's basketball team to a hurdler as they approach that streak. Someone needs to tell Geno, no one is saying his girls don't deserve recognition but just don't disrespect those great John Wooden teams by comparing yourself and your sport to what they accomplished.

5. Tron Legacy - Wow sorry Tron maybe I was wrong. That $43 million you pulled in this weekend was a little less than the $4 trillion or so I predicted for you. Worse still it's significantly less than the $200 million it cost to make the movie. I know it's just the opening weekend but with a low buzz/marketing ratio and lukewarm reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a bit skeptical it has the traction to be called a success.

#HandsLikeFeet

There are a few things you can absolutely count on during a Texans game. They will play like shit out of the gate. Steve Slaton will suck at kick returns. Matt Schaub will scream like a little girl at the on coming rush. Gary Kubiak will order white toast with his eggs over easy. The team will make a little comeback then crap its collective pants at the worst possible moment.

One other guarantee in life is that Jacoby Jones will drop several passes that hit him in the hands. Then a few seconds later I will see a post by either MigM_, RyanlostinTX or Clintshane (all very good twitter follows) that simply says #HandsLikeFeet. This never fails to amuse me. The imagery and accuracy is perfect. It also got me to thinking about other athletes/celebrities and their appropriate hashtags.

• Tracy McGrady #PenisLikeVagina
• Tom Brady #ChinLikeButthole
• Yao Ming #BonesLikePeanutBrittle
• Tom Cruise #MarriageLikeDavidCopperfieldTrick
• That 19 Kids and Counting Lady #VaginaLikeClownCar
• Shaq #EyesLikeCyclops
• Peyton Manning #HeadLikeCylinder
• Lance Zierlein #LifeLikeTomBradford
• John Harris #RoseBowlLikeBangBus
• Bob McNair #BusinessmanLikeKruger

I'll add more as they come to me or from the comments section.

1560 The Game part 1: John & Lance

I've been a 1560 listener since the first minute they started broadcasting. Well kind of, those first few months the signal was pretty sketchy, especially out in Cypress. I've been a long time gamer none the less. In fact, I've been listening to John and Lance since way back when they were The Bench. I suffered with them through the Russ Small experiment and laughed through the J-Fizzle years. I remember when John Harris was just Lance's friend who knew a shit ton about college football. What I'm trying to say is, I've been around and I've got opinions.

I started planning a 1560 blog post 2-3 months ago after Travis Rodgers was fully entrenched in his new position but for whatever reason never got around to writing it. Then a few weeks ago I read a post concerning the John & Lance show and Chris Solis at Houston Media Watch. This post along with the 1560 listener survey finally convinced me that yes I do need to put my thoughts on the station down.

As just a base of where I'm coming from, here's a little about me and my listening habits. I've been a stay at home dad for three years now. I spend an average of 5-8 hours a day listening to 1560. On a typical day I start streaming John and Lance at about 7 am and stop listening to Sean and John somewhere around 6 pm. Life and it's many detours keep me tuning in and out all through the day.

Now that you know my listening experience, how much I listen, what I listen to and why I'm writing this let's get going with the John and Lance Show.

The Hosts

What I like

John and Lance have been the gold standard of morning shows for a decade now. They have tremendous chemistry and through years of experience have learned to play off of each others strengths. You can tell these guys genuinely like each other without feeling compelled to agree on everything. Some of their best segments are when they are on opposites sides of an issue.

John's strengths are in driving the show and his willingness to push the boundaries of appropriateness without being overtly offensive. John is also the only radio personality who you don't want to change the channel during live spots. He has a confidence in his relationships with sponsors that allows him the freedom to go sideways with their live spots. The fact that you never know when that is going to happen keeps me tuned in when I would usually be checking in elsewhere.

Lance continues to be one of the funniest guys on radio. He has an array of characters he's developed through the years along with some very good impersonations. I don't want to be the one to pull the curtain back on the wizard so I won't list the characters but they can be heard on various 1560 shows throughout the day.

Both hosts have good sports acumen, although Lance is generally the go to guy for scheme and player analysis, especially concerning football.

Lance has developed a quality list of contacts he's able to call on for inside information and bring on for analysis.

John has very good local contacts and a well developed pipeline of information.

Lance can also be counted on for quality television and movie recommendations.

Points of Criticism

Years ago I almost had to quit listening to the show because Lance's eating on the show drove me absolutely nuts. He's improved greatly in this area but on occasion that old demon will rear its ugly head.

Anytime there's more than just the two hosts, there's a tendency for everyone to talk over one another.

I want Ketch back during the football season. This may be an issue because of the station he works for in Austin but his past appearances for big Longhorn games were pure radio gold.

Gary Trichter - If I ever get divorced, I'm pretty sure his commercials are going to play a big part in it. My wife was hit by a drunk driver when she was a teenager and we both find driving drunk despicable. Whenever the Gary Trichter spots come on, my wife starts fuming and I'm faced with the choice of changing the station of riding around with a pissed off woman in the car. I think you can figure out what I choose. 

Regular Contributors

Richard Justice - I'm one of the four people that really liked Richard Justice's original show on 1560. He always had a great lineup of both local and national guests. He was at his best when having a casual conversation with the likes of Peter Gammons or Kirk Bohls. However, Richard is more in his element the way he's being used now. Justice is plugged in to all the local teams including UT and A&M. He's not afraid to give his opinion on the state of the franchises although that opinion is prone to change on a dime. The dynamic he has on each show is a little different which keeps his appearances fresh. My biggest complaint with Justice would be that he tends to offer up the same anecdotes from show to show.


Chris Solis - Solis is a sniper. That is what he's there for and he's really good at that job. Anyone looking for analysis on the Texans running game would do well to look elsewhere. But if you want someone to offer a biting quip on Drayton McLane's apparent cheapness, then Solis is your man.

Adam Caplan - Caplan offers very good NFL information with his own unique opinions. His laid back delivery is very reminiscent of Mike Leach. Caplan isn't quite as dynamic or staunchly opinionated as Mike Lombardi but he is very good and a quality Twitter follow.

Joel Dreesen - I'm not a fan of player shows in general. Steve McKinney was about the only player show I found worth listening to and that was only when he wasn't talking football. Players aren't going to offer honest insight into the teams problems so I'm not sure what the point of having them on is. I usually spend this hour listening to my ipod.

Kevin Sumlin, Les Miles - The only thing worse than player shows is a segment of coach speak. No insight has ever been gained by speaking to a coach in season unless that coach is named Jeff Van Gundy. I'm a Texas fan and I wouldn't even listen to a Mack Brown segment if 1560 had one. Now Mack Brown on a mobile is a completely different story.

Del - I didn't care for Del's contribution to the show at first even though he was a breath of fresh air following the Raheel era. However, Del has grown on me over the past couple of months. The little snuggie of hate definitely has his own on air persona. I'm still not big on everything being a racial issue but maybe that's just played up for effect.

Listener Interaction

I am so glad the morning show isn't caller driven. There are a few good callers to the show like Lesbian Craig, Jose and Mouton but quality callers like this are few and far between. Longhorn Scott is very entertaining and his ability to get listeners riled up is high comedy at the expense of the lowest common denominator. Most of the rest of the show callers I can do without. Brad is Spring Branch is good for a laugh in small doses. PD is barely coherent and every time he calls I just start hearing the DBT song "The Company I Keep" playing in my head. Once guy, Kirby I think it was, called the other day to tell a freaking joke. Yeah, a joke like you'd read in a "The 1001 Dirtiest Jokes" book. Worse still, it was a bad joke. Let's leave the comedy to the professionals fellas.

Gilbert? Next.

We don't need calls about how great your pee wee football team is or your hitting instructions for Hunter Pence because you coached Little League for 6 years. We don't need you you play Rockets GM even though you've devised a way to get Kobe and Carmelo if only you could get Daryl Morey to listen. If you have a legitimate opinion to offer and you absolutely must share it then, fine call. But don't subject the rest of us to your scripted routine you've already delivered on 790, complete with fake anger and yelling. We didn't care for it the first time and don't want to hear it again.


Around the Dial


610 - I don't fall into their 55-85 year old target demographic so I don't listen to them, ever.

97.5 - Mike & Mike is actually worse than the name would suggest. ESPN hasn't had a decent national show since Tony Kornheiser and Dan Patrick left the network. Don't waste your time.

790 - Matt and Adam are my alternative of choice. Wexler was terribly underused for years at 610. He offers smart well developed analysis on the Houston sports scene. Matt Jackson, I can take or leave as a host. I think Jackson is better when simply talking sports and offering opinions. Whenever, he consciously tries to do comedy, he misses the mark, badly. My biggest issue with Matt and Adam is their tendency to lift bits from other shows. If you hear a good bit or segment on another show, there's a good chance you're going to hear something very similar on their show very soon. They have a good show overall though.

The Secret to a Happy Netflix - 12/14/10

Best Worst Movie - See it - Anyone who loves cult classics should see this movie. Anyone loves being a little odd should see this movie. Anyone who had their 15 minutes of fame and lived every second to the fullest should see this movie. Best Worst Movie is a documentary that follows the cult rising of the movie Troll 2. The 1986 movie is widely considered the worst movie ever made. Even though it's called Troll 2 it actually has nothing to do with Troll. Over the 20 or so years since its release Troll 2 has gained a notable cult following through word of mouth and the efforts of fans. Troll 2's child star, Michael Stephenson, now an adult decided to explore why this movie has become a cult classic and make a documentary of his journey. Along the way he recruits dentist George Hardy who played his father in Troll 2. The two of them spend the next few months reconnecting with other cast members, organizing screenings and convention appearances, along with fans of the movie. No one has more fun with this than George Hardy. The only person who doesn't seem to enjoy their new found cult status is Troll 2's director, Claudio Fragasso. Fragasso never seems to embrace the humor of being a cult classic and is uneasy when people laugh at the serious parts of his film. Best Worst Movie is an engrossing look at how we accept the absurdities of our past. Some in this movie have learned to embrace their notoriety while others continue to hide from what they consider a blemish.

Wordplay - See it - I learned three things while watching this nicely done documentary. 1. People who do crosswords are way smarter than me. 2. This is where those spelling bee dorks ultimately end up. 3. Jewish people love to do crosswords.  The doc revolves around two central subjects the New York Times crossword puzzle and American Crossword Puzzle Tournament both of which are led by Will Shortz editor of the New York Times crossword puzzle. In the movie, Shortz details what goes into creating the NYT crossword, from clue submissions to puzzle construction as well as the genesis of the NYT puzzle. Through out celebrity interviews are cut in with their personal connections or obsessions with the NYT puzzle. The other half of the doc is the crossword puzzle tournament where the worlds best puzzle solvers convene every year to crown a champion. The viewer is given a glimpse at the lives of some of the top competitors which adds to the drama as the tournament climaxes on stage at the Stamford, CT Marriott.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - See it - After seeing Youth in Revolt, I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for seeing Scott Pilgrim. I thought, well I've seen all the typical Michael Cera character has to offer. I was wrong. Scott Pilgrim is the natural progression of the Michael Cera character. All his awkward, quirkiness is finally channeled into a focused goal of defeating evil and getting the girl. I haven't read the graphic novels so I can only judge the film on its own merits. The film was beautifully shot and perfectly cast. Kieran Culkin, Aubrey Plaza and Allison Pill provide great supporting performances. The score and songs are pitch perfect for the film's style and subject matter. 


Last Cup: Road to the World Series of Beer Pong - Skip it - I actually gave this documentary a positive rating on Netflix after I initially watched it. After a day or so passed I started to sour on that opinion. Not because the movie was worse than I thought but my view on the subject matter began to change. I'm all for making documentaries about unimportant subjects but I think the more frivolous the subject matter the more well made the doc needs to be. In other words, either have something important to say and/or do it very well. This movie misses on both accounts. There is nothing particularly compelling about the competitors or organizers and the editing is much too clunky to create real drama. There are better movies to spend 90 min with.

Non Netflix Movies

The Secret to a Happy Ending - See it - Over the past few years some of Houston's best small artsy theaters have closed their doors. The Angelika and Landmark Greenway have both gone away and with them went opportunities for Houstonians to see some of the better small independent movies at the theater. The Landmark River Oaks continues to hold on despite repeated threats to its survival. This past week I was able to catch a screening of the new documentary on the band The Drive-By Truckers, The Secret to a Happy Ending at Studio Movie Grill City Centre. My wife couldn't go so I invited fellow documentary enthusiast @SeanInCypress who runs a website dedicated to the enjoyment of the documentaries, docdaddies.com.

I loved the movie but then again I'm a huge DBT fan. The director did a nice job of telling the story of the band while presenting the obvious connection between their music and northern Alabama community they come from. The common theme among all members of the band is that music is the only thing they could ever do. Each member readily admits to being terrible at everything else. But when they do what they are good at they do it in outstanding fashion. DBT writes songs about the south and the people who characterize it. They don't apologize for our shortcomings but rather celebrate what makes us unique while sympathizing with our plight. Technically, the film has it's shortcomings. I would have liked to see more of the bands internal struggles highlighted including the disintegrating marriage between two of its members. The record making process especially during the A Blessing and a Curse sessions. The graphics were terrible and the chapters poorly conceived but the stories behind the songs were priceless and the on stage footage made it all worth it.

30 for 30: Pony Excess - See it - I was fortunate that as a kid my parents took me and some friends to see Eric Dickerson and the Pony Express play at Rice Stadium against the Owls. We got to meet some of the players and get autographs after the game. I will go to my grave with the opinion that the 1982 10-0-1 Mustangs were jobbed out of a national title. Of course, they probably wouldn't still have that title because of the litany of NCAA infractions during the era. Pony Excess spotlights the late 70's early 80's SMU program and its outlandish policy of buying players. The old footage from signing day at Craig James' house and Eric Dickerson driving around in his gold Trans AM is outstanding. Ron Meyer is almost a caricature of the extravagance of Dallas and college football in the 70's. I was 11 during the last year of the Pony Express and Eric Dickerson was my favorite player between the Earl Campbell and Barry Sanders eras. I was a teenager and can remember being at a Houston Oilers charity basketball game when the news of SMU's death penalty came down. We were young and naive but even then we knew this was a terrible thing for SMU. However, I don't think we or the NCAA knew just how terrible the death penalty would be.

Lombardi - See it - As good as Pony Excess was Lombardi may have been better. As a football fan, I've always known who Coach Lombardi was but this exceptional documentary by HBO films enlightened me as to who Vince Lombardi was. The doc does a great job of explaining how his need to coach, to teach and to succeed is what drove him to be great, to be a champion. It was also the same thing that made him a miserable person and ultimately made him work himself to death. The obvious collateral damage of his obsession was his family. His passion for football left him with an alcoholic wife and strained relationships with his son and daughter. The most moving moments though are by those people who worked for or were coached by him. Even nearly 40 years after his death, Lombardi left such an indelible impact on their lives most are moved to tears when speaking of the coach's last days. If the greatness of a man is judged by the imprint he leaves on those he touches then Lombardi was truly one of the greatest among us.

ApeDonkey Power Rankings 12/14/10

Top 5

It's been a pretty shitty week so I'm discontinuing the top 5 this week. If I was going to have one GSP's destruction of Josh Koscheck would definitely be at the top. However, my six year old crawled in bed with us last night and then pissed the bed. So, I'm not in the mood to celebrate anything.

Bottom 5

1. Girl working the window at Chick-fil-a - This chick made the list. On my way to get my kid from school, I decided I really needed an iced tea and brownie from Chick-fil-la. Like any other time I waited in the drive thru for 15 minutes to get my order. When I took the bag it felt kind of heavy and even though my instinct told me to check it, my brain knowing what time it was told me I had no time and sped away. Plus, the girl said "here's your brownie" when she handed me the bag. Once up on the freeway I reached in to enjoy my chocolaty goodness only to find a fucking fruit bowl instead of a brownie. I'm a fat guy and us fat guys don't take kindly to someone replacing our desserts with fruit. I don't know how I'm going to get this person back yet, but I am. Maybe, give her a "stink Lincoln." If you don't know what that is it's probably because I just made it up but it involves a $5 bill and a very stinky part of my anatomy.

2. Texas Longhorns - I thought I was done writing about this crappy Longhorn season and then this weekend happened. Thanks for the cherry on my shit sundae Will. Mack Brown already had an offensive coordinator, quarterbacks coach and offensive line coach to replace and then Florida came a calling for Will Muschamp. Now Mack has to completely rebuild both his offensive and defensive staffs along with keeping a nervous recruiting class on board. My hope is that Mack heeds the lessons of his past and allows himself to step outside his comfort zone to hire the best guys for the job but I'm starting to get the feeling he may want someone he's familiar with. I would have no issue with him promoting Major Applewhite to OC. Major was OC at Rice and Alabama before returning home to Texas. From all accounts, he would be an aggressive play caller and with Muschamp now gone he looks to have the inside track to the top spot once Mack leaves. I'm not exactly excited about Mack's desire to return to a power running game. I think the college game has evolved and a more innovated style is required to attracted a higher level of player. On the defensive side, I'd like to see Randy Shannon hired as DC. Shannon had a solid track record as DC for Miami finishing 7th or better 5 out his 6 years nationally and is a top notch recruiter. He understands coaching speed and developing NFL quality players.

3. Metrodome - You're in Minneapolis right? You've had snow before right? I thought the video of the roof collapsing was shocking then I read that this was the fourth time the roof has collapsed because of snow. What? Look, I think it's time you guys upgraded. I can get you a deal on a slightly used domed stadium. Just send your guys down to Fannin here in Houston and we'll find a way to get the "8th Wonder of the World" sent your way.

4. Dexter - ***SPOILERS AHEAD*** What the fuck was that. Just terrible. The whole season had been just blah but that finale was a total crap sandwich. Oh great you got your bad guy on the table but every thing else was way too mushy Hallmark cardish. From Rita's kids asking to spend the summer with Dex to Batista giving Laguerta some anniversary gift it was all too much. At least Masuka had the decency to bring a hooker to Harrison's birthday party. Everything came a little too easy in the finale. Jordan took himself to a secluded place to be killed. There was a convenient plastic sheet up so Deb couldn't see her brother holding a bloody knife. Quinn and Dexter creating some weird unspoken truce. My hope was that Dexter would go the way of SOA and bring the show back to its basics with a dark singularly focused Dexter and redeem themselves for a mostly forgettable season. That was your mulligan Dex. Time to go back to work.

5. Ketchup Bottles - The Texans are wearing those terrible ketchup bottle uniforms tonight. As if the defense hadn't been bloodied enough now they're going to look the part too. I love the battle red jerseys. They're one of the best in the league but the red pants are hideous. I hate monochromatic unis to begin with so I was against the very idea of these uniforms but the reality of them is even worse. At least with black or blue the horribleness doesn't stand out quite as much. Please Texans, next season when you've blown out the old regime and are ready to start anew, lets go back to wearing the white pants with the red jerseys.

The Making of a Riot Grrrrrrl

I don't know about anyone else but for me being a parent usually involves one of the following; laughing, screaming, gritting my teeth, wanting to throw myself in front of a train or wanting to throw someone else in front of a train. But every once in a while there's a moment that validates everything you've done up to that point.


On our drive home from school on Thursday, I was listening to a "Genius" mix of stuff from the 90's. Juliana Hatfield's "Universal Heartbeat" came on and about half through it I looked in the back seat to see Audrey dancing and swinging her hair like a crazed Metallica fan. As soon as it was over she started begging me to play it again. Three listens later she wanted to hear another song with a lot of guitars and  a girl singing. I put on Verruca Salt's "Volcano Girls" and it sent her into another head banging trance.

Later that evening she asked me if I could help her make a cd with girl singers but they had to really rock. I went through my iTunes library playing samples of songs for her and getting either a thumbs up or thumbs down. Her mom tried to make suggestions but those songs were way to mellow for her tastes. We shouldn't be surprised though. This is the same kid that after watching Girls Rock! let us know under no uncertain terms that once she turns eight she will be going to this summer camp.

I'm very thankful that my kid doesn't blindly follow whatever is popular among her friends. She knows who Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, etc. are but she doesn't like their music. On her "Secret Pals" questionnaire she listed Wilco as her favorite band. She loves music that makes you move and makes you through your fist in the air. I love her for that. I should wait a couple years to introduce her to the Slits though.

List of artists on Audrey's Riot Grrrl cd:

• Veruca Salt
• Juliana Hatfield
• Sleater Kinney
• Bikini Kill
• Hole
• Joan Jett
• Kim Deal Pixies songs
• Breeders
• The Donnas