The ApeDonkey Manifesto: New Laws & Regulations

I huge part of ApeDonkey's mission is to make this country and this world a better place. As a part of that mission we've already given you a list of people you absolutely can't trust and the reasons you should always choose chocolate over vanilla.

Now it's time to address the laws that govern this country. I'm of the opinion there are way too many laws in this country. The bigger problem though is we have the wrong laws. Congress seems much too concerned with making moral choices for adults. How about Congress sticks to building roads and I'll work on making better moral choices.

My point is we waste way too much time and money on the wrong things. So as part of The ApeDonkey Manifesto for a better America, a better World, I've come up with some laws and regulations not created to imprison people but to make us a better society.

• To the mom who "needs" a gigantic, unparkable, gas guzzling Suburban or SUV if that ilk to lug your two kids all over town. Sorry but that's not gonna happen. If you want a bigger vehicle then you need to put in the work and produce a few more kids. Once you get to 3, 4 or 5 kids the ban is lifted and you can then upgrade to a behemoth. Until then it's sedan city.
• There will be and immediate ban on importing music from Canada. Alanis Morissette, Rush and Nickelback among others have done enough damage. Yes we'll have to sacrifice some great acts like Neko Case, AC Newman and The New Pornographers but no one said making America great again wasn't going to be painful.
• I'm a big fat guy but even I can see that we have a huge problem with obesity in the country. From this point on restaurants will now have to charge by the calorie. Fatty wants that chicken fried steak, fries and a piece of chocolate cheese cake then fatty's gonna have to pay dearly for it.
• There will only be three options for disposing of the deceased. 1) Cremation 2) Donated to science 3) If you really must be buried then it will be done out in the Arizona/Nevada/New Mexico desert. We only have so much land let's stop filling it up with dead bodies.
• No more cats as pets. Until someone makes a convincing argument that cats actually have any affection for the person who sustains their life, they're out.
• Gambling will be legalized in all 50 states. I'm an adult. I think I can make the determination if it's morally corrupt to play blackjack.  Mr. Congressman maybe you should think about the morality of getting fat off of the dollars of Nevada, Louisiana and New Jersey lobbyists.
• Only one awards show per industry. That means you can have the Oscars, Grammys and Emmys but no more AMAs, SAG awards, Golden Globes, MTV whatever awards. Your awards show sucks stop cluttering up my television.
• Tyler Perry will be immediately deported to parts unknown. You're at least 7 bad productions over the line pal.
• Douchebaggery will be a 2nd degree felony.
• Everyone will be required to work a blue collar job for a minimum of three years. It humbles you and teaches you how to treat people.
• Gay marriage will be legal. It's completely unfair that a gay couple can spend ten years together and not have to go through the price gouging, soul crushing process of divorce.
• Dallas, LA and Miami will immediately be de-annexed and become thunderdome states.
• "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" will be written into the Bill of Rights. You're not 8, I don't care what someone calls you or says about you. Get over it.
• Education will be funded first. Educate the people and together we'll figure out how to fund everything else.
• One of our new motto's will be "Stupidity is a part of nature. Ignorance is not."