ApeDonkey Power Rankings - 2/7/11

Top 5

1. Green Bay Packers - You win the Super Bowl, you get the top spot on the power rankings. Aaron Rodgers was just shy of spectacular. Actually, Rodgers was spectacular. His receivers on the other hand did there best to keep the Steelers in the game. James Jones and Jordy Nelson dropped two to three sure touchdowns. On a positive note for the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger didn't sexually assault anyone yesterday, at least not during game time.

2. Timely Errands - I was out grilling burgers so I missed what seems to have been a pretty terrible rendition of the National Anthem by Christina Aguilera complete with leaving out a one stanza. Hey, you guys can't have it both ways though. You can either complain that she sounded terrible or that she forgot part of the song. If she sounded that bad then consider it a blessing she left part of the song out.

Fortunately, I had to run out to the store during halftime and was spared whatever the hell that was the Black Eye Peas were doing. I missed most of the performance, just catching the tail end but I did catch enough of Fergie's act to send me straight to WebMD to check if I needed to get a Valtrex prescription.

3. Brooklyn Decker - I guess she has a movie coming out with Adam Sandler. I don't care about that though. Any movie with Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is bound to set a new record for being unwatchable. Brooklyn is also burning up the pages of Esquire this month. She's been the hottest SI model for about five years now. I'm convinced Brooklyn's pick'em videos with Dr. Z is what gave him a stroke. Sampras and Aggasi can sit around polishing their 22 Grand Slam trophies all they want. As long as Roddick gets to polish Brooklyn Decker, advantage Roddick.

4. Justified - Raylan Givens and his itchy trigger finger are back this week. After dealing with Boyd and Bo Crowder last season, these human trafficking, moonshiners shouldn't pose any problem for our favorite US Marshal. Yeah right.

5. The ApeDonkey - Sometime last night the ApeDonkey blog surpassed 10,000 page views. That's just the beginning but I'm pretty proud none the less. That's not bad for a guy who has nothing better to do but watch a ton of TV and movies. Now with Barry helping out with the blog, we're looking to bring you even more TV, movie, sports and general observations in the fucked up world.


Bottom 5

1. Dallas - Thank God it was a good game because the rest of the week completely sucked. I understand you can't control the weather but I like to think that God was trying to tell us that many douche bags shouldn't congregate in one place. Was the snow and ice falling off the stadium on to bystanders something you couldn't control too? How about the 400 fans that didn't get the seats they paid for. I know you'll get another Super Bowl. You've got a billion dollar stadium an owner that stops at nothing to get what he wants and most of all no one dared to give the illusion of showing a nipple on national television. Congratulations Dallas for the 172 year in a row, you suck.

2. Brett Favre - This just hasn't been the Cock Shotter's year. First he throws a dumb interception in overtime that cost the Vikings a trip to the Super Bowl. Then it's revealed he made several calls propositioning Jenn Sterger. The pics of his cock and crocs were released to the public. Everyone finds out he's a dog that will get you fired if a happy ending isn't included with that massage. He finally missed a game for the first time in nearly 20 years. If all that wasn't a big enough kick in the nuts, his former team the Packers won the Super Bowl last night and his memory and legacy in Green Bay faded just a little bit more.

3. Radio Row - The best thing about the Super Bowl being over is no more radio row. Every year those of us who listen to sports talk radio are tortured with a week of terrible interviews involving former players rehashing the same stories they've told 3000 times before then trying to sell us the latest development in foot powder. I can't stand it. Yeah it sounds great when they tell you the guest list includes Joe Montana, John Elway and Jim McMahon. Then the light goes on and you realize why you haven't heard from these guys in 365 days. Please for the love of God make it stop.

4. NFL Hall of Fame - So let me get this straight, the best center of his generation isn't a Hall of Famer. Neither is an 11 time Pro Bowler and 9 time All Pro tackle who was selected to the All Decade team for both the 1990's and the 2000's. I've got huge issues with maximum limits on inductees per year as well as lumping contributors and players together in the same pool. Cris Carter being passed over just makes the voters look foolish but if Dermontti Dawson and Willie Roaf aren't Hall of Famers then I no longer no what a Hall of Famer looks like. Get your shit together voters.

5. Super Bowl Sunday Me - Sunday's game was the last football game of my gambling hiatus. So since I had no dog in the fight and no number to root for Sunday was 100% about gluttony. I kicked off my day with my usual Sunday morning trip to Harris County Smokehouse for a couple pancakes. That was followed up with a bowl of queso for lunch, a burger and homemade fries for dinner and I celebrated the 4th quarter with another bowl of queso. Along the way, I had the more than occasional cookie and peanut butter M&M. By midnight I was laying in bed feeling like John Hurt in Alien. I was praying to God that the sharp toothed bastard residing in my gut would just eat his way out and put me out of my misery. That vengeful son of a bitch never did escape so I spent most of the night tossing and turning. As if turned out fate wasn't done with me. I needed a new pair of jeans so I headed out to accomplish something today. Never again will I put myself through the torture of trying on pants the day after the Super Bowl. I ended up leaving without a new pair of jeans not because I couldn't find a pair that fit but because I never got comfortable with how big the number by the W on the tag was. Maybe I'll head out tomorrow to try again or maybe I'll just finally make that muumuu transition I've been staring in the face.