1. Middle East - I watch the news one day a year, during the November elections. Election coverage fascinates me. Writing that makes me a little sad because I really miss Tim Russert. Anyway, even though I don't watch the news I usually have a general idea of what is going on in the world, like with the Middle East. I know revolutions are popping up all over the place and it's for a good reason. They are fed up with oppression. They want their freedom and Facebook. I applaud these citizens for standing up and changing a broken system. I wish there was some way I could do the same thing with the BCS. The only issue I have is with the media coverage. Our media has crawled straight up the butt of the Middle East revolutions but they're paying little attention to the mess we have just south of the border. Hey CNN in case you missed it 12 taxi drivers and fares were killed in Acapulco by the drug cartels. I know the Middle East has all that beautiful black gold we so desperately desire but can't we just let them work that shit out themselves. How about we clean up our back yard and the cartels that are ripping the Mexican government a new one. I know we'd rather spend money making sure no one crosses the border and attempts to build us a new freeway on the cheap but I live in Texas. I can damn near throw a rock and hit a cartel member. Of course they'd then chop my head off with a machete and skull fuck my corpse but that's my point. Let's fix the mess threatening us then we'll get to the stuff with an entire ocean between us.
2. Girl Scout Cookies - If there was a black man on the corner trying to sell you something that would make you feel good but ultimately was bad for you and the police would haul his ass off to jail. Put a white girl in a green uniform on that corner and the same officer would help her set up her table. The socio-economic and racial issues aside those crack slinging, sugar pushers are back blocking the entrance to every grocery store coast to coast. They may not get you on the way in but they'll get you on the way out. They know you can't resist a Peanut Butter Patty or Carmel Delights. If they set up a drive thru tent I'd probably eat three boxes a day. I kind of felt sad for the Boy Scouts out last week trying to hock their sad coupon books. I don't think it speaks well of the Boy Scouts' problem solving skills that the best they can come up with for a fund raiser is a coupon book that only their grandparents are interested in buying. 
3. Neko Case - I love Neko Case. She's smoking hot, talented and just a badass chick. Her solo stuff and her stuff with The New Pornographers are some of my favorite music. In fact, I didn't think I could love her any more until I started following her on twitter (@neko_case). She has spent the past few days breaking down the awesomeness of Iron Maiden and the struggles of female musicians getting laid on the road. She's very interactive with her followers and funny. I had tickets the last time she came to town. I made the mistake of telling my wife of my plan to make her my kids new step mommy. Weirdly after that conversation our baby sitter bailed on us and I had to stay home with the kids while she took a friend to the show. Probably for the best though, we named our dog Neko and it probably would have been awkward having both a wife and a dog with the same name. One of them was bound to get offended.
4. Basketball Hall of Fame - Congratulations to the Basketball Hall of Fame. You've worked very hard to become the most irrelevant career achievement of all time. My five year service award from HP laughs at you. Apparently, the only real qualifications you need to get in is to either have been a women's coach or friends with Dick Vitale. How ridiculous is it? Van Chancellor is in the Hall of Fame but Rudy T is not. This becomes even more egregious when you learn that the HOF takes in to account all of your basketball accomplishments. So Rudy T. not only has 2 NBA championships, 1 Olympic Gold Medal and 554 NBA wins as a head coach, but he was also a 5-time NBA all star, college All American and averaged 17.4 pts/gm in his NBA career. But Van Chancellor is the HOFer. I would ask someone on the committee to explain how John Chaney, a coach who never led a team beyond the round of 8 is more deserving of election over Guy V. Lewis who coached 5 final four teams but no one knows who is on the committee. Apparently, it's easier to get a list of undercover CIA assets than find out who is making the decision to leave Reggie Miller off the HOF ballot. Great Work.
5. Brandon Phillips - In case you missed it Brandon Phillips in now on twitter (@DatDudeBP). This is a good thing because Phillips in one of those outspoken, unstable athletes who if you listen long enough will inevitably say something inflammatory or stupid. His manager, Dusty Baker and the rest of the Reds organization are already on edge over this development. I can't wait. It's got to be better that the boring crap Ozzie Guillen puts out there. Lets just hope he doesn't start tweeting parenting advice. Scratch that, I absolutely hope he starts handing out advice on fatherhood. Bottom 5
1. Dunk Contest - So the NBA All Star Weekend just passed and everyone was treated to another riveting game of scrimmage. A game of scrimmage that would make Jeff Van Gundy's head look like a guy from Scanners. The highlight of the weekend was Blake Griffin's Dunk Contest clinching dunk over a car. Or as I like to call it the most contrived, least impressive clinching dunk since last year's contest. I'm old enough to remember 'Nique vs. Jordan and Spudd coming out of no where to win in '86. Even then we knew the contest had no credibility when the '88 title (in Chicago) was handed to Jordan even though Wilkins handed him his ass on the court. Through the years all the props, hype men, fake celebrations et al have turned it into a completely unsavory event. This year looked to be even worse. I didn't watch the contest because I'm not twelve but I did see a video of the Griffin spectacle. I was very impressed how Blake was able to, on the spot, find a choir and a brand new Kia to come out and work as props. This contest is all legit right? Kia didn't pay the NBA a load of cash to be the car used in the dunk and that being the clincher was in no way predetermined right? right. 2. Shift Change - Bad things happen at about 3:00 cst at my local McDonalds. That's when all the hard working Hispanics who do their job well and get orders right the first time go home. They're replaced by a bunch of teenage honkies. That's when ordering something a simple as an unsweet iced tea becomes a complete crap shoot. I know what you're thinking "teenagers, they suck at everything." You'd be wrong though. It's not teenagers that are the problem. It's white people. And I have proof. The next time you're traveling from Houston to Louisiana stop at the McDonald's in Vidor. The first thing you'll notice is the lack of color among the employees. The next thing you'll notice is that it's a complete cluster fuck. I've got 20+ years of fast food patronage experience and I've never seen a worse run place. I guess what I'm trying to say is us white people suck and the suburban white kids inability to not suck is starting to affect my life. Do Better.
3. Dog Days of Winter - How bad is the sports landscape? I spent most of yesterday working in the yard with my 6 year old. It takes damn near a television catastrophe for me to willing choose to trim trees over sitting my fat ass in the recliner and watching TV. Who's to blame for this black hole of sports? Donald Trump that's who. If not for Trump and him forcing the USFL to try to go head to head with the NFL in the Fall 25 years ago, we'd be getting ready for a stellar spring season of professional football. I'd be at academy buying a new Gamblers t-shirt to wear as I watch my Mike Leach coached team of pass happy pirates obliterate the league again. Leach and Graham Harrell leading the local good guys. Even as a Longhorn fan that sounds like heaven to me.
4. Pink - Holy Shit! I saw a picture of a pregnant Pink this weekend and it nearly cracked my cornea. Truth be told I have a bit of a preggers fetish. There's just something about the way a pregnant woman looks that I find attractive. Maybe it's the fullness of the face, the eternal hope for the life they are carrying or maybe their desire to kill everything that crosses their path. I don't know. Not Pink though. She not only nearly destroyed my love for pregnant women but she damn near killed my desire for women all together.
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